Best Somewhat Poems
If love is a game I need a referee
If sex is a game I want instant re-play
I played the game of life but fouled out
Life stinks (Forgot to take a shower his morning)
Just my luck, life was but a dream and my alarm went off
Does a bear sh-t in the woods? (Don't think Polar Bears do)
When pigs fly, my windshield's in BIG trouble
The egg came before the chicken but some fool sat on it
I want to fly like an eagle but I have a fear of heights
NEVER venture outdoors when it's raining cats and dogs
Maggots began the tradition of getting married in June
She told me to go fly a kite but the take-off was rather chaotic
Two neighbors gossiped over an electric fence and were shocked at the news
If you need someone to lean on make sure they don't have Vertigo
A new cemetery employee is often assigned to the graveyard shift
A harried and harassed mother accidentally threw the bath water out with the baby
Due to inflation, every time it rains it rains, quarters from heaven
I took the money and ran but ran into an old friend...
First grade, pelted with eggs
Second grade, broke both legs
Third grade, fell down the stairs
Fourth grade, clawed by a bear
Fifth grade, ran into a tree
Sixth grade, twisted a knee
Seventh grade, concussed my head
Eighth grade, fell out of bed
Ninth grade, had meningitis
Tenth grade, appendicitis
Eleventh grade, torn hamstring
Twelfth grade, acute bee sting...
So, to allay any fears from admission committees
I wrote the following college application ditty:
You may consider me somewhat injury-prone
But I have yet to break my first wishbone
And I give you my whole-hearted assurance
That I will use my parents' health insurance
If love is just a game we need a referee
If SEX is just a game I want instant replay
She stole my heart and as a result, I became a heartless person
SO, when I asked her to have a heart she said “Heck no, I already got two!"
I was captured and tortured in The Battle of the Sexes but must admit I rather enjoyed it
*Submitted for the contest 'When One Line is Never Enough' sponsored by Bev Smith
It was just after I posted
My last two poems
Our precious poetrysoup
Went Ka Boom
With hope I pray I wasn't the cause
Of the dreadful fall
But I must get something off my chest
My son-in-law is climbing the walls
You see he read his poem
And called me a liar
He said he may let me keep my cane
But the coke will have to go
Unless it is a real small cup
With lots of ice or snow
So with head hung low
I must make a correction to my verse
He only cut the bottom off one bottle
Not two like I was assumed
And then he reminded me
He had to drop to the floor on one more chore
He had to retrieve my cane for me
Once more
I guess he really had been abused
But there is one thing he doesn't know
His daughters friend has made for him
His very own pair of BEER GOGGLES
And then I AM GOING TO ROAR
SOMEWHAT MORE THAN A PHENOMENON - FAITH
FAITH IS A POWERFUL THING…
F alling to my knees in prayer,
A sking not but worshiping the Lord.
I am only a crusader for the cause of creation.
T herefore, I bow unto The!
H e will hoist my spirit and embrace my soul into contentment.
I mage forms via an informed acumen.
S trength augments my strife in life.
A mazing is the lucidity of the mind.
P lease, may I have this honor of speaking to you?
O rnate you with lavishing words.
W isdom and knowledge you award.
E verlasting faith bequeathed through imploration.
R ising above my trials and trepidation,
F or you are the keeper of my soul.
U shering relevance in the most significant way,
L ife guidance provided each day.
T empered to the intensity of my faithfulness,
H ow time is only the hourglass of eternity.
I nvenerate in the privacy of my home.
N othing is more invigorating than adulation of the Lord God.
G ist is faith being that it is the most powerful entity universal.
______________________________________________________________________|
Penned on January 07, 2015!
NEVER venture outdoors when it's raining cats and dogs
It rained cats and dogs during a drought and the farmers were NOT amused
It rained cats and dogs and the county WORKERS were not amused
However they were grateful because there had been recent layoffs
Due to inflation, every time it rains it rains, quarters from heaven
When Gene Kelly sang in the rain he got arrested for disturbing the peace
So Donald O’Conner had to take over and HE got arrested for public intoxication
So they asked Debbie Reynolds and she said, ‘You have GOT to be kidding... I just got my hair done’
Every time it rains, it rains pe…Ouch (THAT’S gonna bruise)
Just my luck…It rained pennies from heaven and I forgot to turn my freekin' umbrella upside down
Due to inflation in now rains quarters from heaven (Dude, you seen the price of UMBRELLAS lately?)
Sure wish it would rain on somebody ELSE’S parade for a change
Once it HAILED on my parade (The floats sustained irreparable damage and there were minor injuries)
Nobody’s gonna rain on MY pa…(Uh, God…You forgot to clear this with Mother again didn't you?)
Submitted for:
‘Poem: Rainy Days’ sponsored by Leonora Galinta
ON THE ROCKS
Talk about bad luck, I hit rock bottom and broke a leg
One advantage to hitting rock bottom is at least I know which way is up now
I hit Rock’s bottom and he promptly kicked my bottom from one end to the other
It usually bottoms out when I hit rock bottom
WAXING PHILOSOPHIC (YEAH YOU MOPPED, BUT DID YOU WAX?... I THOUGHT NOT!)
A tree fell in the forest and a hearing impaired gentleman was nearby so it did NOT make a sound
You think, therefore you are and just who do think you are, anyway?
What does not kill me only makes me weak in the stomach when I am presented with the hospital bill
People who live in bakeries should not throw scones
DONCHA’ JUST LOVE IT?
Love is blind and keeps bumping into things
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways! Um…
I loved her to death but got off on a technicality
Star-crossed lovers occasionally get crossed up and can get rather cross about it too
I SAW ONE THE OTHER DAY I SWEAR TO GOD I DID
I made a Snowman that frankly speaking, looked Abominable
The Abominable Snowman retired to Florida and melted on the spot
Bigfoot treated The Abominable Snowman and family to dinner and footed the entire bill (however, things got pretty hairy when his credit card was refused)
Bigfoot often puts his foot in his mouth and he’s got a big mouth too
YOU’RE A REAL PAIN IN THE ASS AND STOP ACTING LIKE A HORSE’S ASS, SMART-ASS AND MY ASS CAN WHIP YOUR ASS ANY DAY OF THE WEEK TOO
A mule got a species change operation and made a real ass of himself
So WHAT if I’ve got it all backwards? (You whole-ass- b_tch-of- a-son!)
Secretariat lost his ass in a High-Stakes poker game
A horse was unjustly discriminated against because it was a horse of a different color
this is the tale of jim drew
who did what mom told him to
except for the dishes
when they ate cat fishes
then he would quickly skiddoo.
I made a wish upon a star and really got burned
I made a wish upon a star and left Madonna breathless
I hitched my wagon to a star but forgot my spacesuit
The stars in my eyes turned out to be black holes
I couldn’t rise to the occasion so I took some Viagra
Did Harvey Wall Banger? Nope, Willy-Nilly slapped him silly
I once had sex on a golf course but wasn’t up to par and got penalized three strokes
A sex therapist counseled a maggot couple to make love in Earnest
I decided to take a brisk walk but there was this plank…
I WALKED that plank but they drained the pool so I cracked up
I walked the line and it was a very thin line (A very fine line though)
I walked the straight and narrow and had to stop for directions
I made a molehill out of a mountain and the EPA was NOT amused
I made another molehill out of a mountain and the CLIMBERS were not amused
I made ANOTHER mole hill out of a mountain but some mole dug up some dirt on me
I was shamed when the scandal was published in The Holey-Moley Enquirer
So I dug up some dirt on THEM and completely ruined my manicure…
If life is a rat race, God needs to set out some traps
Life was a bowl of cherries til I cracked my tooth on a pit
Speaking of pits, I escaped The Pit and the Pendulum but (Oh, rats)
Speaking of rodents, three-blind-mice ran into a herd of stampeding lemmings and quickly took the plunge…
Overweight law enforcement official:
Whopper
Copper
Nickname for a rather pudgy Charles Dickens Character:
Whopper
Copper
Overweight Janitor:
Whopper
Mopper
Big fat lie:
Whopper
Whopper
Lockjaw:
Chopper
Stopper
Highway Patrolman pulling over a Hell’s Angel:
Chopper
Stopper
Louis XVI banned the Guillotine and thus was nicknamed the Great and Royal:
Chopper
Stopper
Church secretary to parishioners in a confession line: ‘Lunch break! In which time you certainly may NOT’:
Bother
Father
Shocking and irreverent response to the priest's query from an obviously irritated and frustrated parishioner who had the misfortune of being the last in line: ‘Do I wanna make a what?? Hell’s Bells!...Don’t even’:
Bother,
Father!
Spaced-out church officer:
Freekin’
Deacon
Grouchy, grumbling and humiliated congregation member to the officer who dropped the communion tray on her lap:
Freekin’
Deacon!
Elderly church officer forced to depend upon Depends:
Leekin’
Deacon
Postscript: Sadly, the last three verses refer to the unfortunate soul mentioned above. The pastor was forced to accept the deacon's resignation for drug abuse, improper behavior and dress code violations because he insisted on constantly tugging and yanking his suit coat down in a futile attempt to conceal his rather puffy and swollen hindquarters which of course made his pants far too short, exposing his sagging socks and rather pale, boney calves...On a brighter note, he was hired by FEMA to council and assist stranded flood victims after the water had receded to a safe wading level...
There was an old Santa from Limerick
Who became so odd as a maverick
He drove all his reindeer insane
When they showered him with methane
And lived the rest of his life choleric.
He was nominated Santa once more
When the weatherman forecast rain to pour
But his reindeer had all passed on
Tender and rare the steak all gone
When having shacked up with the local whore.
© Harry J Horsman 2018
Painted were her eyes,
Somewhat azure and syphilitic, her heart;
And when I got home I realized,
I'd just fallen in love with a tart(!)
Safety tip: NEVER venture outside when it’s raining cats and dogs
The last time it rained cats and dogs the county workers were NOT amused
It rained cats and dogs during a drought and the FARMERS were not amused
When Gene Kelly sang in the rain he got arrested for disturbing the peace
So Donald O’Conner had to take over and HE got arrested for public intoxication
So they asked Debbie Reynolds and she said, ‘You have GOT to be kidding... I just got my hair done’
Every time it rains, it rains pe…Ouch (THAT’S gonna bruise)
Just my luck…It rained pennies from heaven and I forgot to turn my freekin' umbrella upside down
Due to inflation in now rains quarters from heaven (Dude, you seen the price of UMBRELLAS lately?)
Sure wish it would rain on somebody ELSE’S parade for a change
Once it HAILED on my parade (The floats sustained irreparable damage and there were minor injuries)
Nobody’s gonna rain on MY pa…(Uh, God…You forgot to clear this with Mother again didn't you?)
5/27/2013
Francine’s contest
It’s a double-shot espresso at midnight
Where you filter my dreams into
Have-beens and maybe-nots
And I feel so alone
It makes me shiver upanddown my spine
The lone lines left in the vacant lies
You abridged me with
It’s the smile of warmweather
Chalking up nuances of gators and florida
And orange – which I hate
(Just because it was your favorite color)
It’s a pastry in a darkartic bitterbrisk morning
When I numbed and bled my fingers raw
Typing – for you : of you
I want to paint the sky with all the colors
Of the life I’ve spent dying over you
It would be a palate of wonder
For any Picasso: who would dream of such a dementedmanic mona lisa
I fear even if I conquered all the known world
And brought it back in a handmaiden’s scarf
You would still throw me fast to the dogs: serfs to your trade
And let them muddle and scrounge on me for awhile
Until they grew restless wanting something younger and a bit more androgynous
I know I shouldn’t want to rip out my insides
When an old ford truck tinkers by
Or howl out into the night
Like a lone wolf whitewanting her mate
It’s a double-shot espresso at midnight
When all thoughts are scattered
And the whole world’s shattered
And I feel so alone
It astounded me when my husband felt
no pain when he had his first heart attack,
but bumps his toes and I learn an array
of words in high tone that takes me aback.
It's innate when my dog does a ditty
chasing a kitty in a speeding match,
but when he confronts it he wants to play.
Kitty hisses and draws it’s claws to scratch.
My son's sense of humor was decidedly quirky;
they all pushed and gave each other encouragement
I never knew what to expect from my turkeys.
Their poor wife’s now face the embarrassing moments.
7/4/2018