Best Sniffer Poems
90 down the expressway and I’m handling this stick
I am the true definition of a ride or die chick
Changing lanes, swerving in and out of traffic
Head in your lap, and I’m working my magic
Doing things to you that you’ll never forget
I thought I told you from the start that I’m an exhibitionist
You can take me anywhere, I don’t care who sees
Say you want it now and I will fall to my knees
I don’t care who’s watching, I hope they enjoy the show
Mind blowing sex like this, they will never know
The original Mrs. Nasty, Janet stole that name
I enjoy it nice and slow, but I thrive off the pain
Take a hit of me, and I’ll control your mind
Believe me when I tell you, I am one of a kind
I don’t want your money; keep your diamonds and pearls
Not a gold digger, a money sniffer, I’m not a material girl
I just need a Mandingo warrior who can rock my world
I am not the quiet type. I’ll loudly scream and shout.
I dont want to make love, just tryin' to get my back blown out
I don’t want to be your baby’s momma; you can keep the baby carriage
I’m not trying to lock you down; I don’t want your hand in marriage
This is just a booty call, a sexual relationship
Please don’t get too clingy, I don’t want your commitment
I might call you Papi, when I need a helping hand
Or I may not call you at all. This was just a one night stand
The beagle with a brown tail really stood out
for his high intelligence and good behavior;
he looked up to me as his rescuer and savior,
he was well-loved by me, he had no doubt.
I sought a related name for his sniffing cognition,
" Sniffer " seemed the perfect one I deemed;
very remarkable was his sensory perception,
I was stunned by this beautiful and gifted breed.
Out into the empty baseball field we often went,
I threw my hard ball and he caught it instantly;
I sat down and he ran to me breathing heavily
and licking my face, he smeared it with his scent.
The beagle with a long brown tail was rarely quite;
he had gorgeous eyes more brilliant than a lapis stone;
they winked and shone while I fetched his cookie bone...
many afternoons we chased rabbits to beguile time.
Entered in Laura Loo's contest,
" I Love My Pets "
Written on 1/ 24/2016
Solomon Grundy, Solomon Grundy,
sniffer of glue, when offered, on Monday.
The Tuesday was hash, a whopping great spliff;
on Wednesday took coke, a generous sniff.
For Thursday some crack, the dodgiest brand,
and Friday’s dope needle was quite second-hand.
When Saturday came, a massive OD;
on Sunday it ended, this hedonist spree.
In spite of the blurb you find on a packet,
right up to the end, he thought he could hack it!
~
For Debra's 'Nursery Rhyme' Competition.
Today I stopped to smell a rose
And got a fairy in my nose.
She buzzed her little fairy wings
She kicked and punched and other things.
It kind of tickled as she fought
But all her struggling was for naught.
Like glue my boogies held her there
Her tiny frame lodged in my nare.
Some pixie dust she threw therein
And though she tried, she could not win.
It turns out I’m allergic, see
To all that dust she threw on me.
I hacked and coughed and then I wheezed
I snorted, sniffled…even sneezed
And yet despite those awful fits
Up in my nose, the fairy sits.
A nasal home where she must stay
Until she figures out a way
to climb down and my nostril breach…
She’s just too deep for me to reach.
So next time when you hear them say
to smell the roses on your way,
Recall the fairy in my sniffer
And know that my advice may differ.
05/01/15
I Slept with a Female Mosquito..... By Peter Onyancha
(part I)
I Slept with a Female Mosquito.
Waking up, Good morning, but goodness!
Stupid lewd fly; family of the blood sucker
Fretful, I study the plumped mosquito
My science talks to me, unfaltering
My eye bulges and I nod, I see, I understand
Pretentious snout, proboscis, piglet wishes, I nod
Crooked legs, Ague grass hopper
Supporting a red load, Oh lord
Overladen rotund raw bottom, I see
Drooping head, like a sniffer dog
Satisfied silence, night accrued quietness
Anopheles! I scream –
She clutches tighter on the net; what next?
The scandalous vampire, ague hawker
A female mosquito, Anopheles
I lay flat, you lay fat
Goiter! I slept.
a cadaver is laid down on a cold dissecting table;
to study all about life, an anatomist ponders
which organ to be excised for examination without bias
he decided to use a median value of the life
from normal curve within +/-1 sigma area
after a thorough examination of the body
the anatomist who is still breathing decided to excise the heart,
which never was stopped until the cadaver breathed his last breath;
and the brain’s layer after layers of good and bad memories, caused from good and evil thoughts or his behavior while he was alive
inside his heart was contaminated from all kinds of waste
and that’s why it made difficulty in breathing; on the surface,
so many big and small cut outs and stab wounds all overshadowed
by the immorality of the mundane world it makes you want to turn
your face away from it
the brain is no difference, after chopping the skull, the anatomist carefully pulled the brain out, unfolded and examined every nook and corner of the brain. the connected cobweb-like thought’s narrow passageway consisting from all kinds of chemistry symbols; it was, found to be a lump of fossilized DNA so fragile that just a little touch of the hand would make it crumble
at the time when the pulverized fossil blown in the air
carried by a gust of wind, started to release an overpowering
stench so disgusting that nauseates the sniffer; however, as you sniff more
and more, it becomes sweeter and finally enraptured the sniffer.
and after all the mysterious aroma thus becomes powerful enough
to delude you into pretense that you bear a charmed life, thereby
dragging you to stand at the edge of a deadly cliff
if a day of life is entangled with so much oddity and complication,
there won’t be any better and simple life beyond death,
yet the grotesquely structured brain wanted to look into
the world beyond as ever
Do you know the guy
who works his rear
right out of his jeans??
Then I have a tale for you:
This is my town---na -na--na---na!
Crack Police on the scene
{Ordinace --crack slack}
In pursuit perp.,
with K-9 crack sniffer,
Jack Rabbit Russell.
Tracking exposed crack
via baggy butt or belly
by apple strudell overload!
Also can be rendered
crack slack via no thought shopping!
Sentenced to one week in the crack house!
Gives crack patrol
a whole new meaning
***Watch out in your small towns!! There are new ordinances forbidding baggy pants
or skirts below the natural waist---HELLO PEOPLE!! Where will the madness end??
What next --fine mothers for breast feeding in public?? The working dad with a little
moon shine?? Absurd!! ABSURD I SAY!!
If your girls or boys fall out of those baggy pants---I WILL LAUGH MY GUTS OUT ALL
OVER 'EM!!
Thanks to my hubby and son for a little poetic humor advice!
She’s a little missile
Hears my whistle
Pretends it’s a whisper
Too busy with her sniffer
Every doggie has a nose
Some worth more than gold
My little one, uses hers for fun
She ignores me in her hunts
It smells good everywhere
She doesn’t care just where
But catching her’s no fun
When I call she’s off to run
How to get her back
Will she listen if I snap
What about a snack
That I’ll carry in my pack
She’s a little missile
Hears my whistle
Pretends it’s a whisper
Too busy with her sniffer
Maybe I can give
A toss to a twig
Oh forget that she’s more beagle
Than she’ll ever be retriever
I’d rather not chase
Seems a little haste
Maybe just wait
Till the squirrel scent dissipates
You know they trained her kind
From way back in old times
It’s ingrained in her blood
To follow scents for fun
She’s a little missile
Hears my whistle
Pretends it’s a whisper
Too busy with her sniffer
April 4,2021
FAST EDDIE SPEAKS OUT IN THE RABBIT CAGE
Say, pass me that half-carrot, Guido, before I fall asleep with boredom.
Those lettuce leaves are tasty but, oh boy,
It would take a thousand to fill me, Guido my man.
OK, ears down, boys : here’s that dog again -
Don’t move or he’ll stay all morning.
Give him the old glassy-eyed stupid stare.
Hold still, hold the line, stay with me, stay with me ,
If we hold together we have a chance of survival. . . . . .
Aw, Eddie, you’ve been watchin’ too many re-runs of “Gladiator”
You’re startin’ to sound like Russell Crowe, ha ha ha. . . . . . . . .
Good, that four-legged urine-sniffer has gone after the cat.
Wow! Look at the fur-shine on that new doe.
Man, she gets my whiskers twitching all right.
Listen, Fast Eddie, you can look at the goods but don’t touch.
She’s new in the hutch and Minnesota Fats has his eye on her.
He’s one big buck to handle.
Yeah, well I ain’t scared, I coulda been a contender. . . . .
Eddie, you gotta stop watchin’ those movie re-runs.
That doe? Remember how old Black Legs and Pretty Boy with the grey eyes
Ended up as pies and sausage after “accidentally” falling into
The hot soup pan when Minnesota was nearby,
And that was just because they laughed at his nose-twitch.
Listen Guido, I can take him I tell ya, and then I’ll be the man,
Then all the dough will belong to this big buck. . . . .
Don’t you get it, Guido, “dough” and “doe”. . . . ?
Fast Eddie, the only “Doh” I’m gonna hear is the Homer “Doh”
Cos here comes Minnesota now. Quick, offer him your carrot.
Mornin’ Fat Man, wanna chew my carrot? Go ahead, make my day, ha ha
Man your fur sure is shiny, Minnesota, wish I could get mine like that.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Written for Miranda Lambert's Contest BEHIND BARS BLUES
A nose is called many names
Some of them quite funny
Sometimes they are spotty
And often very runny
If you are unlucky you could have a bulbous nose
I would rather have a slender one, that's choosy I suppose
Roman noses are much larger and inclined to bend
Retrousser ones are saucy and turn up at the ends
Prominent noses stand out and can be very long
Hooters are another name that sounds more like a gong
A pig has a strange nose it is called a snout
It's not like other noses it's flat and don't stick out
An elephants nose is called a trunk it looks more like a hose
It is very useful as well the elephant knows
Then there's the proboscis monkey with his extraordinary sense of smell
They can use their schnozzle to find a boy or girl
There are lots of other names like sniffer, bugle, pug
I bet you've read enough of this so i'll pull out the plug
Imagine for a second
that the entire Afghanistan affair
were a baseball game between two archrivals.
The United States Rainbow Eagles and the Taliban Death Stars
The Eagles start the game with their ace pitcher
who is pitching a no-hitter for 8 2/3 innings.
But as it were, he blows his arm out and can't finish the game.
Their coach, Joe "the sniffer" Biden (a Likeable but well past his prime sort of fellow)
despite having a great relief pitcher in the bullpen
decides to go with an untested rookie
to close out the one-sided game.
To nobody's surprise (but Coach Sniffer), the Taliban Death Stars rally
getting hit after hit and run after run
and close the gap rapidly.
Much to everyone's amazement
Coach Sniffer sticks with the rattled rookie
and the Taliban Death Stars surge
ahead for a stunning victory.
After the game, Coach Sniffer bleats "c'mon man!" to no one in particular...
Then dips his silver head and takes his battered team out for a consolation ice cream cone.
With plenty of crushed nuts to go around.
When I met my forever man
I warned him I have a few idiosyncrasies.
He looked into my pair of 42 C’s and said
He was okay with them
There are two wizards battling inside
My coffee table, I told him, and there is
A nest of bats living in my coffee pot.
He laughed.
So I went on. There are some
Crotch sniffers living in the bowels of
My chimney and they bite sometimes.
In that chimney? He asked, pointing.
I nodded yes.
And so it went. And we were a twosome,
And things were great like all the other times.
Until he realized it was the truth, and my home
Was magical, and I was more that a pair of 42C’s.
The coffee table could not stay put. Every night it
Would be rolling in the hall, and there would be
Slashing and gnashing sounds. It is startling to try
And sleep over two wizards who are beating each
Other’s brains out with swords.
One of the bat’s bit his lip as he was drinking a cup of
Coffee that first morning. I did not think he would mind
The crotch sniffers, as none of my other boyfriends had,
But unfortunately, he had a unique scent and a crotch sniffer
Bit him hard, there….so that was the end of boyfriend number
Six hundred and thirty three. I guess it’s just the wizards, bats,
Crotch-sniffers and me now. I am tired of hunting.
A bulldog was having a day so fine
The weather was scrumptious simply divine!
The pony came upwind, scared him to death.
He must have fallen into load of meth.
Bulldog’s eyes watered, he thought he might cry.
Cat and bunny wandered rapidly by.
Bunny was hopping, and giving him flash
Of a cute tail, her name was McNash.
Cat, mean as the day is lively and smart.
He smelled her butt, a tiny feline fart.
The hen clucked by, with her six baby chicks.
He fell down laughing, at her lively mix.
The pony was ageless, the hen was old.
All of this, he knew. His sniffer was gold.
I love the cold realities of this world,
Watching all the faces as their lies spiral.
When you shiver, just a sliver of yourself will show,
And I'll be watching while your white skin is blued by snow.
I'll be listening as the glistening of your eyes freeze closed,
So I can hear the pounding fear as your heart beat slows.
I shove a thermometer way up your nose,
That bloody sniffer leaks just like a loose hose.
Then the mercury makes itself right at home,
Dripping from your eyes as your mouth starts to foam.
Can you feel the heat now?
As you're being beat down,
Can you feel the frostbite,
As it seizes daylight?
Frozen, as you've chosen this life as your own,
a sculpture of a vulture, in it's carcass-home.
"Please," I tease, "don't think about this too hard,
The trembling could leave your being in shards.
You're balanced on a pedestal of reason,
You're out of place, perhaps it's just the season.
Could you break, for your mind's sake, and make amends?
When you fall, I promise all this will make sense.
Can you feel the heat now?
Frozen sweat on your brow,
Buried by a snow plow,
Let your body cool down.
I love smells
Vicks and lemon comforts me
Cinnamon roll and pine cone
Remind me of Christmas
Smells seduce me, entice me, delight me.
I use my sniffer to figure out the world.
Old Spice. Hello Daddy.
Sweet Honesty. My days of being young and cute.
Fresh paint. A new beginning.
Varnish. The one dresser I refinished.
Gasoline. Vanilla. Caramel. All with their own memories.
Parading around in my head, reminding me of days I thought I had lost.