Best Slimming Poems
Shadorma (slimming)
Low fat cheese
Tastes like rubber soles
For weight loss
I eat it
Abusing my true taste buds
And I am still fat
They promise it is personal
No –one knows your weight
You step trembling on the scales
To hear the awful fate
You’ve put a kilo on she says
With a bell on every tooth
Been a naughty girl have we
We had better take a look
You sit around her on your chair
Waiting for the truth to emerge
You clap the clever ones who lost weight
For you it will be a dirge
Now then come on admit it
What have we had naughty this week
She goes through your eating list
Me I can hardly speak
Ahh here it is she says triumphantly
You dared to eat some duck
With orange sauce I do not doubt
Geez I thought just my luck
No I said it was the bananas
In milk shake everyday
Cos I had tonsillitis
I just about could say
Just like a child at christmas
I promised to be good
Losing some kilos next week
Just better forget about food.
I am wanting to look good.
It is high time that I should
The mirror in the wardrobe told me so
I am now no longer fit
Just an old decrepit git
Who lost his youthful figure long ago
My hair is going grey
Doesn’t look like it will stay
My teeth are on the sideboard in a glass
I’ve somehow lost my zip
and put inches on my hip
I spend too much time sitting on my ****
If I’m not consuming grub
I’ll be boozing down the pub
At keeping fit I am an abject failure
And when I’m in the nude
My belly does protrude
So much so that I cant see my genitalia
I must go on a diet
I know that I should try it
No more Pork Pies, Sausage Rolls or Steak and Chips
No more will I take on
A sandwich of bacon
For I wish to reclaim those snake like hips
I think I’ll make a pledge
To eat only fruit and veg
I will cut out beer and wine and stuff like that
If I tell the truth
My cholesterol’s through the roof
Yet I’ve never been unhappy being fat
I was reared on bread and lard
So I sometimes find it hard
To take on board the things my Doctor said
I tell you I’m not joking
I enjoy food, beer and smoking
And as for my old Doctor, well he’s dead.
So should I reduce my food?
I’m not really in the mood
As I sit here watching Masters Chefs on telly
And when I’m no longer here
There’s no need to shed a tear
Just be happy that I went with a full belly.
Bugger the diet!!!!!!!
Don’t wait to lose that weigh you hate.
Don’t leave it for another week sign up quick its not too late.
And you will become a right, light weight.
Be an angel and don’t you syn
And in your group slimmer of the week you will win.
And we are all you’re journeys soul mates.
The ups the downs we can all relate.
But here at slimming world we are into losing weight.
And your success we celebrate.
Give food a number
Count as you eat all day long
Exceed the total?
TAKING OFF THE FAT
--At 185 Pounds--
Weight loss
Exhausts
--Nutritionist's Guide--
Fastfood
No good
--Doctor's Advice--
Workout
No doubt
--Monk's Prescription--
Yoga
Goodah
--Support Group's Slogan--
Let's quit
Do it
--My Choice--
Did try
Goodbye
Contest: March Of The Footle
Dated Mar 7 2016
I strive for simple life and simpler deeds,
Cut down on needs,
And minimize the multiples of me,
And wriggle free
Of whirligig complexity.
I took my mum to slimming world
On every Tuesday night
She’d get her finest glad rags on
And beam with sheer delight
Not much of an adventure,
On the way she’d barely speak.
But she’d set her sights on glory
As the slimmer of the week.
With eager expectation
We queued up by the scales
Catching surreptitious glances
“Has she come off the rails ? “
“Shoes off please and on the scales”
Then handing in your book,
You felt your pulse start racing
When you dared to take a look
“Just a half pound gain this week”
“But don’t get too despondent “
The lady scribbled in mum’s book,
Like a weight gain correspondent.
“Have you checked the scales” said Mum
“They simply can’t be right ?”
“I think they need to be reset
Because I didn’t weigh that last night ?”
“Are you staying for the chat ?”
Said the slimming world consultant
“We’ve got some bars for you to try”
And mum looked quite exultant
“Would you like a raffle ticket ?”
I can still picture the scene,
When they drew your numbers out
And you won an aubergine.
“So how’s your week been Linda ?
Did you keep track of your syns ? “
“I just had lots of chicken breasts
But I didn’t eat the skins “
“Mark - our slimmer of the week !
Share your story with the group”
“I just ate Quorn and Quark all week
And pints of lentil soup”
Mum kept smiling all the time
While others told their tales of woe,
A Chinese meal that took its toll
Or a Hot Dog at the show
Brenda stormed out of the room
Just looking for attention.
“ I’ve not put on 3 pounds” she screamed
It’s just water retention
“See you all next week” said Sue
The hall’s needed by the Vicar
Mark, smiling smugly, swaggered out
Showing off his latest sticker.
On the way back in the car
Mum was smiling, full of glee
I said “what are you so pleased about? “
She said “ They’re all bigger than me”
Once when an overweight boy, named JOE BLOGGS,
Tried slimming on cornflakes, made by KELLOGGS.
Then with an APPLE each day,
To keep DOC MARTIN away.
Gave up AFTER EIGHT, MCDONALD'S mac dogs.
Sponsor Sara Kendrick.
12 / 24 / 2020.
She’s the icing on a birthday cake
The sausage in a roll
The jam in your dough nut
The hotdog in the roll
The custard on a spotted dick
The hundreds and thousands on a cone
It’s a shame she’s food optimising
and the syns are really high
Its all about how much lettuce is on the salad
The fat content of the meat
How much speed foods is piled up on her plate
and What syn's are in the yoghurt's
and whats the readings on the scales
The goods news is
Roses don’t have calories
But they do look really sweet
So no rose shaped chocolate boxes
No fine dining restaurant meals
Just a salad box and a diet coke from subway
for my valentines this year .
Please, continue with your exercise
To sensibly check your goddamned size
And profitably win A Painless Prize:
For The Sport Body Ounce must not rise;
For contests a loss The Bone dries
And no blunders in the end seem wise…
Please, continue to watch overweight
That could make Coveted Prizes wait
And Expected Honors arrive late
And you leave in melancholic state…
In Boxing make you A Punching Bag,
Fellow The Rival to along drag;
Blows keep landing on, until you sag
And the floor wipe with: A Piteous Rag!
Please, Exercises, not Slimming Pills
Yes, Exercises with Honest Thrills!
Before and after
May show a positive difference
Like a weight loss program
That deceives and soothes people's eyes
But never time and aging
Time comes and goes
Aging lingers and deteriorates
And both of them leave or linger
Without any concrete reasons
And of course
Without your permission
And of course
Without the control of man