Best Pain In The Ass Poems
Good morning ladies and gentlemen,
I'm just looking out my door.
It has been raining through the night,
Looks like we'll get some more.
But don't worry all you gardeners,
The sun will be out soon.
Just as quick as this snow melts,
Your flowers will start to bloom.
The wind will blow away the leaves,
So you can cut your grass.
I am your local weatherman,
A right pain in the ass.
11/march/2022
You're a weather forecaster poetry contest
Sponsored by
Matt caliri
Categories:
pain in the ass, fun, funny, nature, weather,
Form:
Rhyme
Less than twenty-four hours after dashing off a poem
explaining why i wanted to die
found me experiencing physical duress vis a vis,
a bowel movement wherein waste unable to expel
from the anus of this guy
which bout with rectal obstruction
found me doubled over with lower abdominal distress
whereby comfort found me unable to lie
down nor sit upright (with back padded with pillows
against the cellar brick wall),
thus severe bloating a bonus well nigh
and managed to muster the means to bare
frigid arctic vortex aire to purchase
the Acme brand Metamucil, which akin to Drano doth ply
thru the excretory tract supposedly loosening the stools,
which optimism (product didst earn claim to fame) generated a sigh
if that expressed intent to cease LivingSocial would try
humph enjoining this lvii year old married male
to cede victory to the grim reaper, who would vie
as winner de jure to this common fellow invoking libretto
ohm resistant understudy waste not want not
allowing, enabling and providing relief,
without successful defecation
despite the oppressive urge to bolster this Uriah
heap of balled up and tuckered out five foot and ten inches of lovely bones
thence mouthing retraction of former thought to cease existing
though a non-bull lever in any power broker qua mankind
relief at long last provided posterior answered prayer
yet, this scrivener scrutinizes his recurring pain in the ass jagged torture
and asks a rhetorical one word question "WHY"?
Categories:
pain in the ass, angst, anxiety, blessing, conflict,
Form:
While others writers think of love
you’ve shat on that pure white dove.
Before on and on, I must go,
I’m telling others of what I know.
Love to ride the ‘Royal Scotsman,”
but this train I’m on is full of flotsam.
What I’m saying is so loaded with duress,
Its’ like riding the “Midnight Express!”
When you first pulled into my station,
this old heart was filled with elation.
At first things really went fine,
unscheduled love was always on time.
But love doesn’t run on a rigid time table,
I’m tossing you off while I’m still able.
I’m not one to be keeping score,
don’t catch your ass in the exit door.
First you changed from commuter to freight,
all the while saying “ain’t this great?”
Now I’m carrying a very heavy freight load,
my heart is chugging, ready to explode.
You always think you’re the lead conductor,
No wonder friends call you Hannibal Lucktor.
I’m tired of you always blowing your whistle,
you’re the pain in the ass you get from a thistle.
You were demoted from engineer to porter,
this really screwed up our manifest order.
Instead of your up front driving, which I loved,
ya put a foot in my ass n’ shoved.
Day n’ night your mouth goes Yakity Yak,
driving your hate spikes Klickety Klack.
Since I’m not the last one you let on board,
love’s driven down, now I am floored.
Folks would say our love’s a signal flop,
so I’m getting off before the flag stop.
And where would that next place be?
Where you try to totally, dominate me!
I know where the air brakes on this train are,
you’ve switched from sleeper to a baggage car.
You always lash out with such hysteria,
makes me think you’ve got diphtheria.
So I am punching your last ticket to ride,
Frankly, you can shove or stick it inside.
Before I lose the last of my brain,
you n’ yer baggage jump another runaway train.
* For Runaway train contest and no this certainly isn't about me. LOL
Categories:
pain in the ass, life, satireheart, heart, love,
Form:
Rhyme
I know of a pretty New Jersey lass
Who decided to vacation First Class
But on the very first night
Oh no! Cancelled flight
What a total pain in the ass
I'm sure her tomorrows will be better
Or she'll surely be posting a letter
If her plane don't take off soon
It could be worse than High Noon
She'll be angry, we'll just have to fetter
When things couldn't have gotten any worse
Once again she has to dip into her purse
For the flight is okay
But triple charges she'll pay
A vacation just shouldn't be a curse
.
Categories:
pain in the ass, anger, holiday, humor, money,
Form:
Limerick
Being an American in Australia isn’t easy,
but I’m trying to integrate;
I’m trying to fit in.
Just one of the boys with all the right expressions
under my belt, like:
pasty glut
cosmetic spring roll rut
five o’clock shadow cigarette butt.
I mean, I’m trying to integrate;
I’m trying to fit in.
I try to talk about the good ol’ U.S. of A.,
and I’ve never mentioned Uncle Sam once,
except to suspect he lives inside Colonel Sanders
who also gives me a big pain in the ass
with his mysterious suppository herbs & spices;
cos I’m trying to fit in, see?
I’m trying to integrate.
Okay, I can get nervous about women,
and cover it up under muscle and toughness, O.K.!
Say: “All sheilas are made fer ****in’!”
while dreaming:
leather cock thrust
beer lubrication
violet steak lips!
Say: “All poets are poofs!” and
beat my balls around fields of green
with wooden sticks so stiff and clean, screaming
semen icing power
spread on scones of breasts!
Bloody hell! Can’t ya see?
I’m trying to integrate,
trying to fit in.
Like wearing high-heeled snow-shoes
and roller-skater shirts;
doing al the expected things, even tho’
my Balinese sarong trips me up occasionally.
I’ve got a sun-tanned *******,
and I’m keeping me nose to the ground,
no bloody fear! I’m integrating, ya see?
Trying to sit in.
I’m a tough-fisted slow-sauntering grog-pissing
knife balling tit watching ***** hating self-deceiving
regular visionless mate of no matter:
Swallowed by deserts
and the fear of ******s;
Tortured by sun
and the freeze of lost passion;
Murdered in business;
resurrected in wages!
Enslaved in the cities and
imprisoned by FACTS
that stretch from my body
in steel rails of tracks I ride on,
I hide on:
I’ve lost where I’ve been.
But I’m integrating
(yeah, INTEGRATING!)
I’m just fitting in.
Categories:
pain in the ass, culture, immigration, international, metaphor,
Form:
Free verse
< our top story tonight is Lawyers
a pain in the ass and real spoilers
with fancy cars homes suits
fifteen hundred kaboot
rather hire cowboy wearing just spurs
Entry For Carolyn Devonshire's
Lawyer Limerick's Contest
GL All
Categories:
pain in the ass, adventure, caregiving, cowboy-western, education,
Form:
Limerick
You messed around
and married a real
"pain-in-the butt" man
known throughout the land
for ripping
burning
completely deserting
then leaving
women hurting
his only claim to fame
is over reacting
and lacking class
a self-proclaimed pain in the ass
a crook with line
and hook to cast
things will never be the same
trade away your maiden name
to Mrs. Hemorrhoid
and wear his name with class.
Categories:
pain in the ass, funny, girlfriend-boyfriend, husband, life,
Form:
Rhyme
ON THE ROCKS
Talk about bad luck, I hit rock bottom and broke a leg
One advantage to hitting rock bottom is at least I know which way is up now
I hit Rock’s bottom and he promptly kicked my bottom from one end to the other
It usually bottoms out when I hit rock bottom
WAXING PHILOSOPHIC (YEAH YOU MOPPED, BUT DID YOU WAX?... I THOUGHT NOT!)
A tree fell in the forest and a hearing impaired gentleman was nearby so it did NOT make a sound
You think, therefore you are and just who do think you are, anyway?
What does not kill me only makes me weak in the stomach when I am presented with the hospital bill
People who live in bakeries should not throw scones
DONCHA’ JUST LOVE IT?
Love is blind and keeps bumping into things
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways! Um…
I loved her to death but got off on a technicality
Star-crossed lovers occasionally get crossed up and can get rather cross about it too
I SAW ONE THE OTHER DAY I SWEAR TO GOD I DID
I made a Snowman that frankly speaking, looked Abominable
The Abominable Snowman retired to Florida and melted on the spot
Bigfoot treated The Abominable Snowman and family to dinner and footed the entire bill (however, things got pretty hairy when his credit card was refused)
Bigfoot often puts his foot in his mouth and he’s got a big mouth too
YOU’RE A REAL PAIN IN THE ASS AND STOP ACTING LIKE A HORSE’S ASS, SMART-ASS AND MY ASS CAN WHIP YOUR ASS ANY DAY OF THE WEEK TOO
A mule got a species change operation and made a real ass of himself
So WHAT if I’ve got it all backwards? (You whole-ass- b_tch-of- a-son!)
Secretariat lost his ass in a High-Stakes poker game
A horse was unjustly discriminated against because it was a horse of a different color
Categories:
pain in the ass, funny, me, day, horse,
Form:
Light Verse
Ah, that smell of bread from Home Ec.,
Just can't be real to me,
Because school just seems to be a part of everyone's misery,
But then I realize
The bread from there is as real as a bakery's.
And when I'm with my friend,
The fun of bugging her in the hallways
Never seems to end.
Then I take one more look at what school is like,
I begin to admit to myself
That it's not so bad,
But when my mother gets mad at me
About homework.
I stress about how hard it all seems
And think that my teachers are all jerks.
But I always finish it off in the end,
And then the whole cycle goes around again.
The truth is, I always change my mind and say
My teachers are so nice that I could consider them friends,
Sometimes I only pretend to like them.
But what's worse then teachers
Is how I see people smoke
And hear their choices about drinking and parties.
I stare at them and think, "They're gonna be really ugly..."
'Cause I'll never give into peer pressure,
Because my only pleasures are a lot better.
High school is such a big thing,
That when the bell rings
A rush of students go up and down the stairs.
Once you get to class,
Sems like the assignment you get is a pain in the ass,
And it feels like the day will never end,
Especially if you don't have a friend.
I always want to sleep-in, but when I wake up
I think school is so lame,
And sometimes I sleep through the whole day.
And when the sky is grey,
It always seems to be trying to say
That there should be no sun rays on a day at school.
But then, I think through it again and believe that there will
Always be good and bad things in whatever life will bring.
Categories:
pain in the ass, school,
Form:
Free verse
SLY FOX - Dramatic verse, Epic and Deep.
Dramatic verse? How surprising coming from the SLY FOX Drama Queen.
Epic and deep? Well, excuse me
but you have me confused with somebody else entirely.
I'm about as deep as PD's so called poetry.
So listen good and listen hard to me my little SLY FOX Drama Queen pretty.
Go stick your SLY FOX head on the body of a donkey
so that all who then see you will truly see you as
what you truly are. A Royal Pain In The Ass!
Yeah, again I know this isn't the correct form
Feel free to disqualify me.
I just happened to be rambling along
and thought I'd stop for a quick slam on PD.
This isn't for PD's contest,
but I'm entering it anyway because I'm her nemesis and pest.
*TheKidsterWasHere*
Categories:
pain in the ass, slamme,
Form:
Rhyme
Unwanted love, like constipation, a pain in the ass
It will upset you for many days
Once dumped, system cleared, the trouble will pass
You’ll be able to go your separate ways
Categories:
pain in the ass, funny
Form:
Chastushka
Jim Steneson had a problem with gas
without warning he'd let out a blast.
The stink was obscene
folks escaped the scene
and denounced Jim as a pain in the ass.
Categories:
pain in the ass, humor,
Form:
Limerick
Hey what did I miss?
Do I owe you something,
that every time I make a move in life you react?
Do I owe you success?
That every time I drown, making bad decisions
You recognize,
Judging like an expert.
Does it hurt to mind your own business?
To make absoluteness in your own garden?
And Show us how magical your opinions can be,
Unfortunately, I am not even really bothered in what you do
Course I am too focused on what I do.
Few Opportunities I blew,
And I am not afraid to start off building by a canoe
In my life patience is virtue, and that is one of my principles.
I am not running a race, nor am I in competition,
I am passionate, even risk I don't mind taking
And with assurance I am gonna top up my life with a barbeque.
I dont really care what you think of me,
Please do the same,
I am trying to live my life.
Please stay back from following me around, you are not my shade.
Please stay back, I am not getting married, I dont need a brides-maid
And I am not your lake so please stop showing up like you are a mermaid.
I am saying this and it does not mean I am afraid of you
It’s just all irritating.
Let me downgrade,
Of course that would be so unfortunate.
And Let me loose concentration,
Of course that might seem out of fashion.
You are not sorry, so no need to pretend.
Cut the act,
Course I know it is what you wanted to celebrate in a decade.
Maybe it got delayed.
And maybe I overplayed, but that is still not your concern.
Hey, Im trying to live,
I am trying to live my life the best way I know how.
I fall, I brake, I rise, I succeed, I loose, I fail, make bad decisions, overstay in my struggles?
That should not matter.
Please give me a breath,
I am just trying to live
And In advance I forgive you
Just please! stop being pain in the ass, I want relief,
I don’t wanna be aggressive
You are so destructive, please Just exit.
Exit from my bussiness,
The show is full, I don’t need a guest speaker.
You are too lost in my space please go find yourself somewhere else,
And Stop being a gossiper, you will grow weaker.
Stay focused in your own lane, and use your brain,
And Stop peeping through my book, write your own.
Live your life,
I am also trying to live my own the best way I know how.
I am trying to live,
I am trying to live my life, in peace The best way I know how.
Categories:
pain in the ass, anniversary, deep, life, poems,
Form:
Rhyme
We never had a gap year when I attended school
Now when I meet those that did, I feel such a fool
While I rushed to get my grades and a job of work
Others lay in bed till noon studying the art of shirk
That must be the reason why in the present day
I seem not to understand a word that the kids say
Like kool and awesome omg laters and cu
Who is Vivienne Westwood or bloody Jimmy Choo
Is Armani Junior child of Monnalisa and Ralph Lauren
What do I say when I’m asked if I come here Ofn
I’m told I have an ata2ud and that I dhac
They say that I’m 404 to goi and that they won’t bcnu
I’m told to go and gal not to be a pita
I just can’t seem to understand a single word they say
There seems no sense no reason to all those words I hear
Would I comprehend or understand if I’d had that gap year
TEXTSPEAK ( Translation)
We never had a gap year when I attended school
Now when I meet those that did, I feel such a fool
While I rushed to get my grades and a job of work
Others lay in bed till noon studying the art of shirk
That must be the reason why in the present day
I seem not to understand a word that the kids say
Like cool and awesome oh my God see you later and see you
Who is Vivienne Westwood or bloody Jimmy Choo
Is Armani Junior child of Monnalisa and Ralph Lauren
What do I say when I’m asked if I come here often
I’m told I have an attitude and that I don’t have a clue
That I’m clueless, to get over it and that they be seeing you
I’m told to go and get a life not to be a pain in the ass
I just can’t seem to understand a single word they say
There seems no sense no reason to all those words I hear
Would I comprehend or understand if I’d had that gap year
Categories:
pain in the ass, confusionwords, art, art, child,
Form:
My molten core is bursting at the seams
Billowing ash and smoke circle above
Volcanic eruptions are on the rise
Intense balls of fire I toss from my glove
That damnation isle, this Icelandic land
Eating away at our profits, typically planned
This mother nature, no dollar sense
No bonus for us, can she redistribute and condense
Mankind has been playing hardball too long
His head's over-sized and his ego too strong
Iceland is but the tip of the iceberg
I'm now plotting the next eruption surge
There she goes firing of again
Airports are closing, grounding more aeroplanes
Tourism again hampered by her vociferous bellows
Which is a pain in the ass for us holidaying fellows
Don't toy with my gifts; I'll be more gentle
Your fine Earthly home is but a rental
Be kind to my creatures both great and small
Perhaps my fiery heart will cool down after all
Perhaps we have been harsh shooting from the hip
It's a trait of man, it's why we self worship
We appear to have grown a streak of selfishness
As we now look around at our self made mess
Categories:
pain in the ass, natureself, self,
Form:
Quatrain