Best Keister Poems
Bottoms Up[
I was looking around for a new winter sport
Something rigorous but not a dangerous sort
A good friend of mine suggested to me
“if you can walk, you can cross country ski”
So I shopped around at a sporting goods store
It was a nice discount I was looking for
Soon I found a pair that didn’t cost a lot
And I got a lesson right on the spot
The very next day; don’t you know?
The ground was covered with eight inches of snow
So I packed my skis into the van
And headed to the golf course, a sensible plan
Others like me had the same thing in mind
So I strapped on my skies and waited in line
The weather was great and the conditions superior
But in no time at all, I was on my posterior
I dusted myself off and started to glide
Just as two experts jostled me on my side
I lost concentration and didn’t see a bump
There I was again, flat on my rump
Never discouraged, I stood tall once more
Starting to feel the perspiration pour
But just as I felt I was starting to get it
Back on my derriere; should I forget it?
Never! I said to myself with resolve
This is a puzzle I can solve
Just then I steered right into a bush
And landed sans dignity right on my tush
Two ladies came over to help me up
I was whining now like an orphaned pup
“I’m sorry ladies to be so troublesome
But would you mind rubbing my aching bum?”
They left in a hurry as you might think
Actually quicker than a wink
I made it home with a sore keister
Hoping I’ll feel better come next Easter
Next day I saw my good friend at work
And squelched the urge to call him a jerk
And while removing our lunches from the office fridge
I explained my plans to take up Bridge
Categories:
keister, funny, sports,
Form:
Rhyme
Jay Z
Had no where to flee
When Beyonce's sister
Tried to kick his keister
Categories:
keister, fun,
Form:
Clerihew
Horn Haiku.
To be culpable,
You do not need to complete,
Any obstruction.
Trump is never nice;
With his vice he does entice,
And sins shall suffice.,
Truly a lost cause;
Qualities not redeeming;
Sets poor example.
Trump lied while we cried;
He had killed figure of speech,
Being blasphemous.
Trump has been lazy;
Always sitting on keister;
Never getting off.
Sri Lanka so sad;
Once was country of Ceylon,
And now death does part.
He fought off our foes;
We know that Jesus arose,
After death He chose.
You should think about,
All of the things that I wrote,
Then read them again.
Jim Horn
Categories:
keister, allegory, analogy,
Form:
Haiku
They said, "his bark is much worse than his bite"
So, I opened the gate, without fright
But the beast would outwit me !
In the keister, he bit me!!
He will feast on my trousers tonight !
.................................
5/4/15 For John Freeman's Contest : Dumb and Dumber Quotations
(Never trust someone who says "his bark is much worse than his bite".... !! LOL !)
Categories:
keister, animal, dog, funny,
Form:
Limerick
Oh my gosh it’s almost Easter
Time to get off my fat keister.
To buy a dozen eggs, or more
Coz now there’s five kids over four.
And one of them always cries
Painting eggs with stupid dyes.
I almost forgot the candy bars;
Who needs new brakes for the cars?
I don’t have time to talk to you
Where are the peeps or poops or pooh?
And then I’ll stay up way to late
Hiding eggs for Pete Rabbit’s sake.
I got to get all this stuff done
To make the holiday more fun.
But someday I’ll be all done with
This crazy Easter Bunny myth.
Wait! I’ll save a pile of money
By killing off the Easter Bunny.
And lay him down in a casket
On plastic grass from a basket.
3/9/2013 For Clue Contest
Categories:
keister, animal, death, easter, easter,
Form:
Couplet
Tick...Tock...Tick...Tock...
(Aye apologize for straying way
outside thee usual canon -
a poetic souffle,
boot desperation
finds me cent less,
Thus i pray
for divine intercession, this may
day call sent out, far
chump change moo nay
(near zero dollars
in checking account)
this near crack 'o dawn
to rescue me - okay?
----------------------------------
aye yie yie,
aye ham awake
at two o'cock
in the morning
ye yie yie,
aye ham awake
at three o'cock
in the morning
ye yie yie,
aye ham awake
at four o'cock
in the morning
keenly aware of major
appliances conversing ad-hoc
no doubt conspiring to sock
this dirt poor dada
directly in ma keister,
where i take flight
amidst a flock
of seagulls honking
at my unintentional
"FAKE" chutzpah to block
their instinctual migratory path
from swift tailored kick
in the buttock
as iterated above
from energy guzzling
electricity trapping shock
king lee vengeful
Peco powered accouterments,
whence this air
born papa chock
full of anxiety, asper
no where to
turn and jock
key for getting,
perhaps stealing myself
as a stowaway aboard
an unattended ship at dock
or as a las resort resort
to a life of crime
with deliberate intent,
where "the fuzz"
take me to lock
up, no way most certainly
not a place
to sing sing about,
and most likely end up
a scape goat kid
ding lee bullied a knock
on me noggin will
find me seeing mock
believe stars, which warrants
emergency medical
treatment by "Spock"
of star trek fame, whose
Vulcan antidotes wok
like a charm and find me
well on the Scottish peck
road less traveled,
which sends me Bach
to the future,
where i encounter
my pluperfect self
(barely recognizable
richly adorned other self),
with many a golden lock
compared to mine limp hair
resembling plastered schlock.
Categories:
keister, 11th grade, 12th grade,
Form:
ABC
If you like big butts Hippopotamuses have big baabottomuses you may say, that’s just asinine A tall tale, you horse’s derriere but I can, so I’ll fanny the flames of posteriority **** thou off-ended take a seat you say Bullocks behind my back but I say buttocks subsequently Haul keister you bum
Categories:
keister, allegory, allusion, cheer up,
Form:
Free verse
There I was, a lonely soul, lollin' on a Bermuda beach soakin' up the sun,
Where the sand is pink and the rum swizzles will never be outdone!
Where college goils from New Joisey and New Yawk flock to each Easter,
To frolic on the beaches, find romance and display their comely keister!
From across the way I espied this beauty strollin' along the shore.
I mused, "Is this the steamy summer love that I've been pinin' for?"
The statuesque bikini-clad doll came towards me with a cat-like stride.
I could hardly quell the romantic notions that were wellin' up inside!
I leapt to my feet, pullin' in my gut and puffin' out my puny chest!
(After all! To impress this stunner wouldn't you want to look your best!)
"Hi-ya, big fella", she purred, "I've come to Bermuda for a little fun,
And my ten-day holiday in this lovely paradise has just begun!"
Well, what's a feller to do - I invited her for a Manhattan at the local pub.
Afterwards, we sipped champagne and played toesies in a heated tub!
Later, strollin' the beach, we noted that old man winkin' at us from the moon.
This was enhanced by romantic music serenadin' us from across the lagoon!
Things were goin' so well that I just could not believe my good luck.
Suddenly, it all ended as if I'd been dinged in the head with a hockey puck!
Alas, I had been dreamin' this romantic interlude that was far from borin',
When my spouse poked me sayin', "Wake up and stop that infernal snorin'!"
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved
Placed No. 1 in Sweetheart Of Poetry Soup's "Steamy Summer Love" Contest - Jul 2010
Categories:
keister, romanceromantic, summer, me, romantic,
Form:
Rhyme
Bums are funny, I don't know why
giggling 'til I nearly cry-
Silly nicknames are so much fun
like tuchis, tail, rump or buns
Some are dainty, sweet or cutesy
like heinie, cheeks, and petootsie
Timid hinting at their meanings
“back-end”, “behind”... backward leanings
While some are spunky, full of sass
like keister, bum, or tush, (or ass)
Posterior and derriere
both spell it out with quite a flair!
But buttocks, butt, or plain “backside”
bare it all- with nothing to hide
Haunches, hindquarters, can or seat
the list goes on without repeat...
Rear-ends, bottoms, duffs, full moons
all leave me laughing like a loon!
Categories:
keister, funny, humor, humorous, moon,
Form:
Rhyme
By Angeline Vine
He went through the morning
ritual
Scooping spoons of coffee
One . .
Two . . .
Three . .
Four . .
and one to grow on!
Suddenly, his keister felt
a slap
Categories:
keister, age, birthday, memory, morning,
Form:
Free verse
Roses are red and grown by my own see-ster
Violets are just a pain in my keister
Though I came here to say
Happy Valentine’s Day
I long to kiss your tulips come this Easter
Categories:
keister, flower, valentines day,
Form:
Limerick
It was freezing so, and cold winds did blow
As I walked slowly through the fallen snow
But I slipped on some ice
My keister paid the price
Tried getting up, but down again I'd go
12-29-2020
Winter Snow Or Ice Limerick Contest
Sponsor: Tania Kitchin
Categories:
keister, snow,
Form:
Limerick
We've been having a "Bash Santa" week, but I wrote limericks this morning about Putin breaking his tailbone. So, Tom suggested we have a "Bash Putin" week. Here are three more from me. Please join in bashing that dastardly demon if you wish.
That Evil Putin fell down and hurt his tushy
He swore, "It was one of my bodyguards pushed me!"
Not wanting to be blamed
For he was so ashamed
That he had to change his pants cuz they were gooshy
It was on his darn keister that Putin landed
I'm going to be honest and very candid
He was chasing a skirt
When the scumbag got hurt
While being frisky with her, he was caught red-handed
Now he can't sit in a chair on his derriere
Cuz that lowlife tried to ruin the innocent, Claire
It's his tailbone he broke
His neck I'd like to choke
He's worse than Hitler, the annihilator Herr
Written by Jenna Logan
V. Putin has fallen on his tush
Pity was not in a thorny bush
Put him on a chain gang
Better yet, let him hang
Then let us have in Russia a putsch!
Arrogant Putin's butt is sore
Love this special news, tell us more
The ass is hurtin'
The world is certain
Putin needs to be shown the door.
Written by L. Milton Hankins
Putin is a fascist like Hitler, no doubt
That's what he really is all about
He fell on his a.r.s.e
Emitting methane garse
And learned it's three Reichs you're out!
Putin to his guards was accusatory
So let us embellish on that story
Shoved down from his thrown
Cracked his smug coccyx bone
This tail-ends his self-proclaimed glory
Written by Robert Gorelick
Vlad Putin was dealing with state affairs
On his way back he skidded down the stairs
You could smell the foul gas
Cos' he ruptured his a.s.s
No get well wishes because nobody cares.
He'd fallen over and broke his a.s.s. bone
A guard rushed over when he heard a moan
Hard luck you commie jerk
Cos' it's karma at work
Start praying now for your sins and atone
Written by Tom Cunningham
Categories:
keister, evil,
Form:
Limerick
Keister and Easter
Will have to get off my kind keister;
Write some more poems after Easter;
What I found in poem to be surprising
was there was no mentioning of arising.
Many problems we may have to face;
Kids left egg shells all over the place,
And after more and more surmising
Christ's death started a civil up rising.
Jim Horn
Wow. Five limericks in one hour.
Can you beat that?
Categories:
keister, allegory, analogy,
Form:
Limerick
Lower gastrointestinal war civil declared
because sweet tooth (er...rather dentures)
craved absolute zero sum game yoking,
wickedly villainous, x'acting tummy
upsetting Pavlovian salivating, romancing,
quid pro quo woe pea pie us, orthodox,
conventional, nun habit forming (Lie),
mouth watering, lip locked, kickstarting,
Je Suis ill lust trios, hymn bracing, gob
stop ping, feasting immediate enema
inducing, decadent chocolate baneful
cake courtesy of adoring bubela, (the
same over stuffed ego freezer oft
mentioned counterpart), charming,
hugely overpowering tenderly loving
zee missus diabolically exuding
"FAKE" gracious humane insinuating
jabbering, knowingly loo man hating,
needful offal pestiferous quasi rip
snorting, tush under fire, violent
whooshing, expelling xyz lower
abdominal contractions, indubitably
kindling, jumpstarting instagramming
howling, fostering execrable, debilitating,
besieging posterior, automatically
clutching derriere, experiencing ferocious
gluteus maximus intractable jabbing, knifing,
lacerating, mutilating nameless oaf (me),
painfully quaking das simian, torturously
undergoing vicious wretched excessive
yawping worse fate than death!
Otherwise ass hide from irritable bowel
syndrome this second July Sunday 2019
quite yawningly wonderful, uneventful,
sedate, quiet, ordinary, mundane, languid,
joyously humdrum, fabulously drab
characterizing local buffoon, i.e. yours truly.
Shall I cut thee a slice of outrageously
luscious, keister heavenly gourmet deluxe cake?
Categories:
keister, 10th grade, 11th grade,
Form:
Dramatic Verse