Best Jokes Poems
i am made up
in equal parts of what i believe
and
in equal parts, i believe in
what i am made up of.
you break me down and you've got
equalityfreedomwomansrightsproch
oiceantibullyingantistigma-
herpes.
it makes no difference to
you
what happens when I take my pants
off.
but somewhere along the line I
became a
**** a whore a promiscuous little girl
with no rules and regulations about
who
sticks their dick inside me until I'm
infected with everything wrong in the
world-
herpes.
they sell you protection in the form of
condom boxes,
tied up in ribbons that say things
like,
happy anniversary happy birthday
happy Thursday happy **** me
happy little ***** at the bar i can get
my hands onto.
sex education is
vacant and expressionless and
i fell victim to
don't get pregnant don't get pregnant
don't.
get.
pregnant.
oh **** what the **** is happening to
my insides and my outsides and
please dear god let the burning stop.
this isn't some blame game,
this isn't some speech,
this is a plea and a please stop
satirizing my life
with your late night comedy show
jokes about my ******.
my herpes
not yours
not my next door neighbors
not the pharmacists
not the doctors
not yours.
So get down off your high horse and
try to figure out how
you
will avoid an infection that affects
80% of the population and why
we are all so damn afraid of it.
Herpes isn't hereditary but ignorance
is.
Santa, weighed four hundred lbs at his yearly check up.
"The Kids bribe me Dr, with Burgers, fries and ketchup."
Dr said, " That's a lame excuse,
your eating habits, you abused!"
"Doc, the reindeer are mad, I'm too fat, and they can't take off!"
Why don't you see Santa in the Hospital, because he has private elf care?
Why was Santa's little helper so sad, because he had low elf esteem?
How much did Santa's sleigh cost, it was on the house?
What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride, A Holly Davidson?
What do you call a kid that doesn't believe in Santa, a rebel without a Claus?
How can you sense Santa is real, you can always sense his presents?
Why is Santa afraid of Chimney's, cause he is Claus-trophobic?
What is Santa's favorite potato chips, Kringles?
What do Santa's elf's learn in school, the elf-abet?
Santa humor
credit Kelly O'Sullivan
Michael Tor Limerick
Hope you enjoyed,
Cheering you up for
The Holidays...
Who ever gave me
The Special Gift, I
want to thank you
from the bottom of
my heart, and I
hope and wish the
Good Lord returns
a Blessing back to
You. God bless you
know you are a
very Special Human
being. Again words
can't describe my
appreciation... for
the gift you have
given me...
I wanna see what's underneath", you say
And as we both laugh nervously you add
"Just kidding"
But is this a lie?
I wonder
Is it the look in your eyes
The smile on your face
The warmth of your voice
Or the depth of your hugs
In which I drown every time
That tell me how much I love you
Or are they just kidding
You reassure me
That I'm not annoying
That it'll be alright
That I'll find my own purpose
And that you will stay
For as long as I want you
I hope you're not kidding...
I know
How you love her
And how this will never be mine
But you give me a flower
While we sit in the grass
And the sun's in the sky
Then I remember that I was your sun
While she is the rest of the universe
You were not kidding.
"I'm in love with you", I say
And as we stare at each other's eyes I add
"Just kidding"
And this is a lie.
Patrick Ewing is Neanderthal, but his wife is pretty yawl.
Neil Cannon face is comical, but Mariah Carey loved him so.
Michael Jordan is crooked teeth and Juanita is petite.
Donald Trump is running for President and so funny in what he represents.
Jeb Bush is so political savvy his teeth sashays.
Mark Anthony and Jay-Lo is an epitome of ethnicity and now divorcees.
Just a critic here trying to make a living.
Tamela Mann king is David Mann, but why is he so weak and his humor never
entertains me.
The Steve Harvey Show on radio is nothing though.
Reverend Marvin Winan got car jacked in Detroit and now he is trying to
revitalize youth to be attack some more.
Hillary Rodham-Clinton fell and knock her brain to a southern hemisphere
thereby becoming cognitive impaired.
Barack Obama states he is not athletic at all, but why is he a cycling kangaroo
–does anyone know?
Dr. Oz is not a wizard a tall.
Just a critic telling the score.
Supreme Court Justice Ginsberg is another political Queen Elizabeth and this is
not a compliment.
Justice Young of Michigan Supreme Court looks like dummy.
Mary J. Blige and Taylor Swift are haters of reality.
Dr. Dre is a Putin made.
Michelle Obama journey will soon sojourn.
Maria Shriver is still in love with Arnold.
A critic that knows from observation.
Lame Jokes!
_______________________________________________|
Written August 28, 2015!
" Sci-Fi Bar Jokes & Riddles ... "
( 1 Tim. 1: 11)
(1.)
"Star Wars Bar ..."
A Jedi Knight and a Wookie, walk into a bar ...
The Jedi tells the bartender to keep the drinks coming.
Around dawn, when the Jedi is too drunk to think,
the bartender, then tells them both, its time to pay
their tab. Then the Jedi, turns to his buddy, the Wookie
and asks, "Do You Mind?"
------- ------- ------ -------
(2)
"Dune's Sand Bar ..."
On Arrakis, the desert planet known as Dune,
A Duke and a Baron, walks into a bar ...
Now, which one orders the biggest bottle of Mezcal?
------- ------ ------- -------
(3)
"The Matrix-Mixer Bar ..."
Neo and Morpheus, walk into a bar ...
On that night, every patron, gets their first drink free
Now, the selection is between two drink choices on
the list: They can choose either the 'Crimson Cocktail'
or the 'Blue Kamikaze' ... Which did Neo pick?
------- ------- ------- ------
(4)
"Stargate Symbol Bar ..."
Col. O'Neill and Teal'c, walk into the Stargate
and wine-up in a bar (he-he) ... in a world
very much like our own. While there, they
socialize with the locals, sample strange brews
and get very intoxicated. However, not to worry,
on this world, the bartender is used to visitors
who can't handle the native liquors ... So,
the bar has their own taxi, on standby
for such occasions. So he dials the cab.
But before the cabdriver comes, the taxi
has to be gased up. The question is:
"What gas station does he use?"
------- ------- ------- -------
(5)
"Barsoom/Mars' Whiskey Bar ..."
A Thern and a Thark, walk into a bar ...
They join John Carter, who was drinking Cutty Sark
and a Martini. Also there, is The Princess, who
sips on deja-blue water and a shot of Royal Crown.
The Thern, gives his order for a glass of Jameson & Gin
And the Thark, orders: Jim Bean and Jack Daniels
... and a Bourbon ... and a Beer
------- ------- ------- -------
(6)
"Star Trek's Hit The Deck"
As They Journey Into Darkness & Each Distant Star
Kirk & Spock Walks Into The Enterprize's Bar
And Tho' The Ship May Shake & Warp-Drive-Drop
Mr. Spock Keeps As Cool As A Glass of Ciroc
And Captain Kirk, Just Orders A Scotch On The Rocks
('Cause Scotty Takes Care of All The Enterprize's Stock)
------- ------- ------- -------
Poem/Jokes by: MoonBee
Hello my name is Pizza
It's me you wants tuh eatsa
You want with lotsa meatsa?
The fave of the Tsaritza!
The jokes on you
Flit
As we walk home from the party
The atmosphere declines
Just you and i alone again
There’s nowhere left to hide
In and out of consciousness
We always wear a different face
Whatever we decide to show it’s never out of place
A game for two that one can play
I know you’ll never stay away
A never ending episode
Of day and night –night and day
Of day and night –night and day
Hello Jekyll goodbye Mr. Hyde
To me you are the joker
The jester deep inside
You are the joker- ---
But the jokes on you
A switchback roller coaster
Always coming of the tracks
Its double vision eye to eye,
It’s time we faced the fact
I know you’ll never catch me,
I’m gonna slip right through
Your altered twisted attitude will be the end of you
I see you in the mirror
There’s no freedom there for me
Cause this schizophrenic multitude
Is deep inside of me?
Is hiding deep inside of me?
Hello Mr. Jekyll
Goodbye Mr. Hyde
To me you are the joker
The jester deep inside
You are the joker----
But the jokes on you
The jesters deep inside
Aahhhh, The Quirky/Idiosyncrasies of MoonBee
Knock, Knock …
Who’s There ?
Icky …
Icky Who ?
… Never Mind, I’ll Come Back Later …
Knock, Knock …
Who’s There ?
Juan …
Juan Who ?
I Don’t Know, What Do You Have In Mind ?
Knock, Knock …
Who’s There ?
Hula …
Hula Who ?
Yes, When I Was Young …
Knock, Knock …
Who’s There ?
Toodle …
Toodle Who ?
… Ok
Knock, Knock …
Who’s There ?
Bye-Bye …
Bye-Bye Who ?
Look Lucy, We Found Ricky !
Knock, Knock …
Who’s There ?
Nu …
Nu Who ?
Well, If You Know Who, Why You Ask ?
Knock, Knock …
Who’s There ?
Woo …
Woo Who ?
… Ok, Who’s In Trouble ?
(The Obvious-Obvious, One)
Knock, Knock …
Who’s There ?
Who …
Who Who ?
Late Night, Huh ?
Knock, Knock …
Who’s There ?
Yu …
Not Me !
Yeah … Yu !
Knock, Knock …
Who’s There ?
Yu ! …
You Who ?!
… Hi …
Knock, Knock …
Who’s There ?
Yu !
Naaaaa, Naaaaa Interested !
Knock, Knock …
Who’s There ?
Boo …
Boo Who ?
Wait, I’m Not A Bill Collector !
Knock, Knock …
Who… who oo ‘s There ?
Sue …
Su suu sue, Who ?
(but then Door Opens, With A Crash
Double-Barrel, Points Out, Blasts
The Knocker Runs Fast, as Voice Shouts Out Rash
“ … Sue That ! and Don’t Come Back Talking ‘bout Whiplash”
And The Man Sits Back Down, To Finish His Glass
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Oh, Darn, I’m Out Of Egg-Nog and Jack D
Now, How Can I Make My Moonlight-Tea
Well, It’s Back To The Market, For MoonBee
He He He ! …
Have A Great Day, Y’all …
MoonBee
Do you think that you can’t write a verse
Free or formed, a villanelle or song
Do you fear the end , so feel accursed?
The first words are banana,gold and terse
Start from that new sentence on your tongue
Do you think that you can’t write a verse?
Bananas ,phallic symbols, unrehearsed
What you write is almost never wrong
Is you fear the end be not accursed
Golden is the joy when we’re immersed
In the company that knows our tongue
Do you think that you can’t write a verse?
My lover speaks but he is often terse
He prefers to use a gesture not a word
Is you fear the end you’re not the first
In the mind float symbols , gold, absurd
Metaphors that hunger to be heard
Do you think that you can’t write a verse?
If you fear the end , we’re here at worst
I. There was a zombie gentleman walking down in a valley and he turned to the child and asks, "Why did a vampire climbed the mountain?"
The child says, "I do not know. Why?"
He replied, "To get to the very top to shine up!"
II. a. The children came to the door and they banged on the door. "Knock, knock".
The man says, "Who's there?"
The first child replied, "Zombie."
The man says, "Zombie who?"
And the child replied, "Zombie home? Get out of here, you can't stay here!"
b. The second knocked on the door. "Knock, Knock."
The man says, "Who's there?"
The child replied, "Ghost."
The man says, "Ghost who?"
The child replied, "Ghost there? Get out of my house!"
c. The third child banged on the door. "Knock, knock."
The man says, "Who's there?"
The child replies, "Beast."
The man says, "Beast who?"
The child replies, "Beast there or be square!"
III. The Frankenstein's Monster walked downtown and then he turned to a villager and says, "What did the werewolf say to the sky?"
The villager says, "I don't know. What did he say?"
And the Monster replies, "Beware the mooooooon!!"
one: they say philosophies are like a-holes. Everyone has one. I say a-holes are like philosophies. No one wants to hear it. Two:What are jewish moms famous for saying to their sons. Why are you doing this to me? Now . What are us Jewish sons famous for saying to our moms? Why are you doing this to me? I say to the rest of women,"Why aren't you doing this to me?
Tell me I'm not funny?
Neither are you honey
I was telling a joke
Wasn't trying to poke
It's nothing personal
If I did that's a sign
Maybe you've been blind.
Issues issues issues
Yeah you have them
Go beat a bag or something
See a shrink or whatever
You've got 20 years on me
You've got way more to bleed
When I smile you're way
Try to bring the sun out that day
Even if it's fake. I don't care
If you stomp on my fun beware
A philosopher friend asks a mathematician friend
If you see one bird with one eye
How many birds will be seen with two eyes?
Mathematician fails in mathematics says one in answer
Now, mathematician friend asks philosopher friend
if one bullet kills a bird sitting on a branch of a tree
then how many birds will be killed with two bullets?
Philosopher friend says all will fly away
It's April the 1st today
A day of jokes, laughter and pranks on each other.
It's April the 1st today
A day to act like fools
It's April the 1st today
A to pretend to be clowns
Happy April Fools Day to you!!!
The highlight of our week
Knock knock
who’s there ?
A barrage of punchy one-liners
Hilarious skits to crack you up
Ruth Buzzi swinging her purse
Lily Tomlin at the switchboard
One ringy dingy…
two ringy dingy
Rowan & Martin’s snide remarks
Giggles from behind doors
Goldie Hawn flashing her smile
And her infectious laughter
Unconditionally raising
Sunday night’s goofy silliness
To new lofty altitudes
Of exuberant cheerfulness
Lavishly overflowing
well into...
bluesy Monday mornings
AP: Honorable Mention 2025
Published in my 24-page photo/anthology ~RANDOM MUSINGS VOL.2~ 2020
Submitted on February 6, 2020 for contest STRAND SELECT F sponsored by BRIAN STRAND - RANKED 1ST