Get Your Premium Membership

Funny Jokes For The Coming Holidays Read At Your Own Risk Thank You

Why couldn't the lizard get married and have children?
Because he had Reptile Dysfunction.

Two men broke into a drug store and stole all the Viagra.
The police put out an alert, to be on the lookout for two
Hardened criminals.

Why does it take a 100 million sperms to fertilize an
egg? Because they wont stop and ask for directions.

Why did Popeye Punch the Pope?
Because he heard, The Pope had gone to Mount Olive.

What's made of Rubber, handed out in some schools,
and exist to prevent mistakes? An Eraser.

Did you hear the one about the guy with the Viagra Overdose?
They couldn't close his casket.

What did the elephant ask the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?
 
What goes up, lets out a load, and then comes back down?
An elevator.

A man runs into a psychiatrist office naked wearing Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist without skipping a beat, says to him, " I can clearly see your nuts."

What do you call sheep that can sing and dance?  Lady Ba Ba.

Dogs can't operate MRI machines, but Catscan.

What do mermaids use to wash their fins? Tide.

If your house is cold just stand in the corner there, it is always 90 
degrees there.

Hi I'm cliff drop over sometime.

Why did the Rolling Stones stop making music.? Because they got to the bottom of the hill.

Why do people who live in Greece hate waking up at Dawn? Because Dawn is tough on Greece.

In the late 1880's a train is making it's way through the canyons heading South.
An Old Native American Chief and his brave are headed back near their Reservation. The Chief tells the Brave, "Brave go and Fetch me Water to Drink." The Brave takes off and brings the Chief Water right away. Later on the trip the Decorated Chief says, "Brave bring me more water." The Brave takes off and quickly brings his Chief water. Hours go by they have Dinner on the train and the Chief gets thirsty again. He Begins to say ,"Brave, and the Brave says to him, "I know Chief you want more water." The Brave takes off and he's taking a long time getting back. Finally the Brave shows up with the water. The Chief asks him, "What took you so long, Brave?" The Brave responds and says,"Tall White Man Sitting Over Well."

Michael Tor

Please tell me
which one you
like best.

Hope they
weren't too
offensive.
I did not think
these up, I 
just re wrote
them. Credit 
to Blair Donovan.
and Parade.com
I have 3 more ask
in your comments
and you will receive
through Soupmail.




















Credits Parade

Copyright © | Year Posted 2024




Post Comments

Poetrysoup is an environment of encouragement and growth so only provide specific positive comments that indicate what you appreciate about the poem. Negative comments will result your account being banned.

Please Login to post a comment

12
Date: 11/16/2024 10:35:00 AM
Well, Michael, I loved them all...especially the first one. I'm still puzzling over the last one, however.
Login to Reply
Tor Avatar
Michael Tor
Date: 11/16/2024 1:24:00 PM
Jim so the Brave goes and fetches water the final time and he takes a long time. The Chief asks him what took you so long to bring me the water. The braves response is, "Tall man sitting over well." What the well is, is a toilet. The Brave did not know what a toilet was he thought is was a well because back than on the reservations there weren't toilets. He called the toilet a well. The funny part was he was getting the Chief water from the toilet. I hope you liked it better now that the punch line is made more clearer. Thanks for asking, and I am glad you loved them all. Enjoy the rest of the weekend...
Date: 11/12/2024 4:08:00 PM
Here's one I heard recently - I bought an elephant for my friend's room. He said "thanks". I said, "don't mention it."
Login to Reply
Tor Avatar
Michael Tor
Date: 11/12/2024 6:11:00 PM
I like this one David. It's funny and clean. Good one for the kids. Enjoy the rest of your week. See you later...
Date: 11/12/2024 4:06:00 PM
Thanks for giving me a good laugh. Now, I'm prepared for the holidays. I think my favorite was the guy in the saran wrap in the psychiatrist's office, but they were all good. Also, you included one that is safe enough to use for the kids I tutor in math, the one about always being 90 degrees in the corner.
Login to Reply
Tor Avatar
Michael Tor
Date: 11/12/2024 6:07:00 PM
Hey David you can share that one with the kids. How nice is that? Glad you stopped by, and glad you enjoyed them. God bless you my friend...
Date: 11/12/2024 3:36:00 PM
Michael, these are clever, entertaining, and funny! It would be hard to choose favorites. Janice
Login to Reply
Tor Avatar
Michael Tor
Date: 11/12/2024 6:05:00 PM
Thank you Janice, it is hard to choose a favorite, I agree. Thank you for taking the time to read glad you thought they were funny. I hope they brightened your day...
Date: 11/11/2024 12:11:00 PM
Michael, I enjoyed your humorous collection, made me laugh.
Login to Reply
Tor Avatar
Michael Tor
Date: 11/11/2024 3:00:00 PM
So glad Tania you found them funny. Nothing like having a good laugh...Thank you for stopping by really appreciate you...
Date: 11/11/2024 10:44:00 AM
Ha! Love the Popeye one... these are really funny and not offensive.. You have a great sense of humour.. Thank you for sharing..
Login to Reply
Tor Avatar
Michael Tor
Date: 11/11/2024 3:02:00 PM
Your welcome Silent One I borrowed them, I wish I was that clever to have written these. I saw them and I thought everyone would enjoy reading them and from the response they have. Thank you Sir for your comments. I really appreciate you...
Date: 11/11/2024 10:06:00 AM
Enjoyed reading and laughing at them all, if i had to pick one, it would be the psychiatrist claiming, he could clearly see his nuts.lol just one thing regarding Mick Jagger, many years ago I worked in his house in Chelsea London when he was living with jerry hall. Have a lovely day Michael.
Login to Reply
Tor Avatar
Michael Tor
Date: 11/11/2024 10:20:00 AM
John I am so happy you got to laugh at the psychiatrist one. I think this was my favorite also. Wow I am sure you were shocked to know it was Mick Jagger. I am sure he was a nice man and his beautiful wife too a lovely person... Lucky you. Thanks for stopping by John I appreciate your comment...
Date: 11/11/2024 7:24:00 AM
- Fun to read, thank you very much Michael :) - hugs
Login to Reply
Tor Avatar
Michael Tor
Date: 11/11/2024 10:11:00 AM
Thank you Anne-Lise for stopping by. I'm glad to see you. Hope they weren't too offensive, glad you stopped by...
Date: 11/11/2024 6:33:00 AM
Hello Michael, These were very entertaining to read! It was the one with the coffin and Viagra that made me laugh the hardest. Made me laugh out loud! Because we could all need a nice chuckle occasionally, I appreciate you posting them. Wishing you nothing but the best!
Login to Reply
Tor Avatar
Michael Tor
Date: 11/11/2024 10:15:00 AM
Hello Sir. Lasaad I am so glad you were able to laugh at these silly jokes. I thought I write them to cool people down from all the election turmoil. Yes we could all need a chuckle occasionally. I appreciate your support my friend it is always nice to read your thoughtful comments. Thanks again for stopping by...
Date: 11/9/2024 7:57:00 PM
Well written and picked Michael, All of them a hilarious and clever - with some being just a little bit naughty which makes the imagination work in 'overdrive' but in no way offensive. They are all great and a difficult choice but if I were to pick, the elephant and naked man 'Stand Out', while the and the Sperms who don't ask directions are a result of the 'stand out' joke Lol. Hugs Maria
Login to Reply
Tor Avatar
Michael Tor
Date: 11/10/2024 2:14:00 AM
Maria so happy you stopped by. I thought a little humor before the election would take people away from the Politics. I am so glad you laughed and I have been enjoying your You Tube channel so much with your Poetic Song Videos. How awesome is that? Your Halloween one is Spectacular and Tom Woody's is exceptional too. Are they expensive to do? It takes so much skill computer wise I wouldn't know where to begin. So much enjoyed watching. Hugs back...
Date: 11/9/2024 11:04:00 AM
I enjoyed reading your fun writes. Thanks for the laugh. I needed it. Yes, men will Not ask for directions. Love the Catscan one. Also the mermaids/Tide... Have a blessed day/weekend writing away...............
Login to Reply
Tor Avatar
Michael Tor
Date: 11/9/2024 5:28:00 PM
Thank you so much Dear Paula so glad you loved the Catscan and Mermaid one. Thanks for the visit and have a great weekend. Hugs.
Date: 11/9/2024 6:14:00 AM
Well they were extremely funny and you gave both hubby and I a good Saturday afternoon laugh. Blessings my friend Michael. Jennifer.
Login to Reply
Tor Avatar
Michael Tor
Date: 11/9/2024 5:30:00 PM
So glad Jennifer you and your husband were laughing best way to start the day. Thank you for stopping by...
Date: 11/8/2024 7:17:00 AM
I liked many but for me it’s a toss between the casket one and the psychiatrist one with punch line I can clearly see your nuts! Lol
Login to Reply
Tor Avatar
Michael Tor
Date: 11/8/2024 1:09:00 PM
Ha Ha Ha Karen it is Hilarious. Thank you for stopping by.
Date: 11/7/2024 11:28:00 PM
Tie for #1: 'Catscan' and 'Dawn is tough on Greece.' Super selection there, Michael!
Login to Reply
Tor Avatar
Michael Tor
Date: 11/8/2024 12:25:00 AM
Thank you Sir. Glad you stopped by Gershon. I always appreciate your feedback my friend. Thanks so much for stopping by...
Date: 11/7/2024 11:21:00 AM
Hello Michael, What a joy to read these today and made me laugh. I think my favorite one was about the psychiatrist, but then again, I loved the one with the Pope. Thanks for your humor! Autumn Blessings, My Dear Friend, Daniel
Login to Reply
Tor Avatar
Michael Tor
Date: 11/7/2024 3:02:00 PM
Daniel I am so glad you had a laugh today, so glad you enjoyed the funnies. I too like you liked these two. We need to cheer up from time to time to escape this world. Glad you stopped by and thank you for your input. God bless you...
Date: 11/6/2024 3:43:00 AM
Michael, I thoroughly enjoyed your humorous diversion this morning!! My fae is Mount Olive!! There were all great!! Happy Wednesday !!
Login to Reply
Tor Avatar
Michael Tor
Date: 11/6/2024 2:41:00 PM
Thank you Mike. I am so glad you enjoyed. Thanks for your positive feedback my friend. You too have a happy Wednesday. Thank you again Mike for visiting.
Date: 11/5/2024 9:57:00 PM
Dear michael, these were fun to read, i especially laughed the most reading the casket and viagra one! Left me in stitches. We all need a laugh once in a while, thank you for sharing these. Sending you light always~
Login to Reply
Tor Avatar
Michael Tor
Date: 11/6/2024 12:29:00 AM
Thank you for sharing your favorite Ink Empress. I liked that one too. I was a little apprehensive of sharing that one. I did not want to offend anyone, but everyone seemed to enjoy everything and I was happy that I got at least a smile out of our family here on the Soup. Thank you for stopping by it was very nice of you to do so. God bless you Ms Empress...
Date: 11/5/2024 9:04:00 PM
hahaha Loving it How do get 100 math teachers into a room that only fits 99? You carry the one My wife traumatically lifted the blankets off of me last night, but I will recover
Login to Reply
Maverick Avatar
Joe Maverick
Date: 11/6/2024 3:01:00 PM
Well i think this event was Only thinly covered here Arthur can we have more of The Detail.? Or was it just (plain Funny) material.?
Tor Avatar
Michael Tor
Date: 11/6/2024 12:25:00 AM
Arthur I am sorry to hear of your wife's actions. I would hate to wake up without my blanket over me there would be a price to pay lol. Can you imagine if someone took Linus blanket from Charlie Brown there would be severe withdrawals lol You will have to do the same when she falls asleep, this is called Blanket Karma lol. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your joke with us. I am glad you enjoyed the warped Jokes I stole and shared lol. We all need to laugh my friend. God bless you...
Date: 11/5/2024 7:44:00 PM
This morning you made me laugh so hearty, though some I have heard before. Most of them are really humorous. I loved the elephant's question to the naked man the best. Also the reason for the sperms' reckless journey. Thanks Michael for sharing this.
Login to Reply
Tor Avatar
Michael Tor
Date: 11/5/2024 8:53:00 PM
Valsa I am so happy you laughed. It means so much to me to know that. The elephants's question is Hilarious. I liked that one too. My wife as well. we all need to laugh and be happy for a while. Thank you for your visit and God bless you Valsa...
Date: 11/5/2024 3:35:00 PM
Wow did you make these up all by yourself. I do t think I could come up with half this many. I liked Lady Ba Ba just because I can't stand that singer. Greece, Rolling Stones, Tide just s few if the cleverest ones.
Login to Reply
Tor Avatar
Michael Tor
Date: 11/5/2024 3:58:00 PM
Andrea I gave the credits below from whom I got the funnies from. The Native American one was mine, the rest I borrowed to share. I am glad you liked the ones you did. Kim liked the Tide one it was the cleanest of the jokes no pun intended lol. I hope these funnies brought a smile to you Andrea on election day. Thank you for stopping by. Read John Lawless's comment and joke it's pretty clever and funny. Hugs...
Date: 11/5/2024 6:36:00 AM
thanks for the laughs Michael...especially on election day....for we know that ...Politicians, like diapers, should be changed frequently and for the same reason...
Login to Reply
Dietrich Avatar
Andrea Dietrich
Date: 11/6/2024 3:31:00 PM
Ha!
Tor Avatar
Michael Tor
Date: 11/5/2024 3:52:00 PM
Hi John love your Politician joke lol. I should include your comment in the joke collection. Can you imagine having the National Guard at voting sites? We were lucky not to. Yes we need some humor in all the Bull that is taking place around us. Thank you for your support John and I am glad you stopped by my friend. Enjoy the rest of the evening and think about anything else accept Politics...
Date: 11/5/2024 6:22:00 AM
I liked the dawn joke! Cute
Login to Reply
Tor Avatar
Michael Tor
Date: 11/5/2024 3:45:00 PM
Glad you liked the Dawn joke Kim. That was one of the cleaner ones lol no pun intended lol. Hope it made you smile... Thank you for stopping by...
Date: 11/5/2024 5:19:00 AM
lol fab humour Michael,Of course being queen of poop and a lover of risque humour i like the viagra one the best lol:-) hugs Jan xx
Login to Reply
Tor Avatar
Michael Tor
Date: 11/5/2024 5:49:00 AM
That one you pick Jan was my second choice, my fav was the psychiatrist lol. I thought you would get a kick out of this Jan. You're always making me laugh I am just returning the favor. Thanks for stopping by and I appreciate your comment. hugs enjoy your day today. Got to go and vote later. I can't not wait till this voting stuff is over. TTYL Jan...
Date: 11/5/2024 4:39:00 AM
Just what's needed to start the day off, everyone a real hoot Michael, The world and even this site needs more humour right now. Tom
Login to Reply
Tor Avatar
Michael Tor
Date: 11/5/2024 5:13:00 AM
Thank you for stopping by Tom and enjoy your day or afternoon have to look up England time difference. Have a great day and as Paula says , keep writing away...
Tor Avatar
Michael Tor
Date: 11/5/2024 5:11:00 AM
Totally agree my friend. I hope to lift some spirits up today Tom. Today everyone is voting here in America. Sadly my wife was telling me they are deploying the National Guard to maintain order in these voting establishments. To much division in this Country I am sure England is more civil toward it's people and you don't need a militia to protect you when you vote. Getting back to the Joking, I hope everyone has fun and picks out their favorite Joke.
Date: 11/5/2024 3:19:00 AM
My friend, you have a sense of humour. I loved the elephant best.
Login to Reply
Tor Avatar
Michael Tor
Date: 11/5/2024 3:40:00 AM
Ha ha ha Victor My favorite one is the Psychiatrist one lol. Victor I borrowed these jokes from two different sites. I am hoping to make people smile and maybe even laugh today to offset all the seriousness of voting today. You have to laugh every once in a while, and get away from reality. Hope you have a nice day and thank you for your comment it put a smile on my face. Be safe out there and wishing you great health my friend... Victor come back and read everyone's favorites and their comments you will be smiling all day...
12

Book: Radiant Verses: A Journey Through Inspiring Poetry