Best Hortense Poems

Why does our nose smell and our feet run?

Methinks the answer could be kinky

If Mother Nature chose the other way round

It sure would be messy and stinky

Here's something you should never ever do

Don't make fun of a paleontologist

Bet you're wondering why, you bright people

Coz surely...

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There once was a lass named Hortense
When she spoke she didn't make sense
An interpreter was needed
But the interpreter cheated
Swore like a trooper, made the air blue and intense


© Jack Ellison 2015...

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Hortense Reads a Romance Novel

By Elton Camp

The cover picture is easy to understand 
Beautiful woman with bare-chested man

Into her lusty eyes he does peer 
Their intentions are quite clear

It’s a book designed only to sell
So needn’t be written very well

Sexual scenes loosely connected
From such drivel...

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Hortense and Gertrude
   Priscilla, Imogene
Once-popular names
   no more to be seen

Isadore, Cornelius
  Cyrus and Mortimer
Back in the day such
  names courted her

You never know though
  when a name may return
Such as Ambrose, Edsel
   Penelope or Fern...

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Tonight is for reflection.
Not the kind found in a mirror.  
Which of course I have none.  Mores the pity.  I would love to see how splendid I look 
in my new shirt with French lace and ruffles.  Under my sapphire blue...

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IT HAPPENED ONE NIGHT

Not a knockout to begin with
Dubious  the juices beneath her skin
Hortense Winesap was a last resort
(after all    the callers had needs)

She sat around the house
Feeling bruised and unwanted
Hoping every knock on the door
Would lead to a last of...

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My given name is Hortense, and I am an English Professor,
I love my job and my life, and to do my best I endeavor.

I am popular with my students, as I also am with friends;
And I have a loving family, like springtime joyful trends!

I am...

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There once was a fat lady named Hortense
who claimed she could sing but this was nonsense.
She would make our ears ring
when she tried hard to sing
for her hitting high C was an offense....

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I see no Knight in shining armour
On his trusty steed
I can't see the local farmer or man of any
Colour or creed

Who would want a valentine like me
No man with any sense
Who would date a woman
Who's name is Hortense

Hortense stable is my unfortunate name
Not a good...

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Hortense Halle was a regular hoot
She bought herself a new cottontail suit
   Hula hoop earrings
   A pair of pink wings
She never did fly ~ but boy, was she cute...

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Horton smelled a Who, what about Hortense
  Did she have that special female 'sixth sense'
     It seems she was lacking
     But not 'cos of hacking
  'Hortense! Stop burning that freaking incense!'...

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Hortense was an Opera singer,
Who thought she was a humdinger.
Every breath that she took,
Screamed like a strangulated chook,
The audience put Hortense through the wringer....

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