Best Funny Life Poems
When hard times come they sit a spell,
Like kin folk come to stay
A-packin' troubles, pets an' kids
That always get ‘n your way.
It's drought an' flood, an' flood an' drought,
There ain't much in-between.
You work like hell to make ’em good,
But still they’re sorta lean.
The ranch went under late last year,
The drought got mighty tough.
The boss held-out a long, long time,
But finally said, "enough!"
So here I am dispatchin’ cops
An’ watchin’ felons sleep,
In Junction, at the county jail,
A job I’ll prob’ly keep.
The wife, she works at Leisure Lodge,
Where older people stay,
A-makin’ beds an’ moppin’ floors
To earn some ‘extra’ pay.
Though “extra pay‘s” the term I used,
It goes to payin’ rent,
An’ after all the bills are paid,
We wonder where it went.
We hocked my saddle, guns an' chaps,
An' then our weddin' rings;
Then when we couldn't pay the loan,
They sold the 'dad-blamed' things.
We felt real bad a day or two
But then we let it go,
Cause it got Christmas for the kids
When money got real slow.
When hard times come they sit a spell,
Don't matter who you are;
They'll cost ya things you've set aside,
An' clean your cookie jar.
You'll loose some sleep an' worry some,
Won't pay to moan an' groan;
But hang on to your happiness,
They'll finally leave ya 'lone.
"It was 6 or 7 years ago
Or so I'd like to think
I traveled to my eye doctor..
(I should'a seen a "shrink"!!)
My dad and I we awaited
In a filled up waiting room
Patients all a'seat
Magazines all askew
There wasn't much to say there
There wasn't much to do...
Slowly I did notice
Some odd glances made at me...
Some hand-covered conversations...
Some smirks I seemed to see
It made me feel self-conscious
They seemed fixed looking at me in my seat
When slowly I did realize...
That they were staring at my feet...
I looked down, and to my horror
And much to my surprise...
A sight I could not fathom...
I could not believe my eyes!!!
For one foot was well fitted
with tennis sneaker white...
The other a black dress shoe
It was a startling sight!!!
Now I found how hard it was
to hide one's mismatched feet
I wished to God to run out
And escape onto the street
I was red with great embarrassment
and shocked how stupid I could be!
Had I been that darn sleepy?
Or could I just not see?
Then it slowly dawned on me,
Well, darn it, here I sit....
Proves I need an eye-doctor...
and I don't give a sh__......."
Think I need a man in my life-
a dear writer-friend suggested.
So please dismiss and remiss,
prior I've requested.
Thinking, a man in my life,
could really make things right.
he my man could be my fan...
and fan me all the night.
Cleopatra I could be,
he could be my slave...
YES I think I need a man in my life,
excelled in a good wave!
Think I need a man in my life,
makes me very hot.
"Think I need a husband"-
I simply have forgot.
Think I need a man in my life,
that sounds like so much fun.
Winter time he'll be all mine,
a heater like the sun.
Think I need a man in my life,
to bring me lots of flowers...
Chocolates too; must bring a few,
hand feed me for hours.
Would be nice to have a man in my life,
oh how it sounds so sweet.
I could yell- what's that smell and
he could kiss my feet !
My Chicken Adventure
Authored by Chuck Keys
I found a chicken at my door
barely moving on the floor
kind of bony in and out
dirty stinky not proud nor stout
what brought him to my door today
with nothing in hand nor able to lay
I asked "where came you"
replied he "a land away true"
I asked "friend or foe this fine day"
replied he, "I am here to dine n' stay"
another mouth to feed and care for
maybe I need to show him the door
thinking of dinner for myself, " hmm" said I
"should I eat the chicken with potatoes and peas?"
so happy and gleeful he smiled so free
Thinking maybe wouldn't be eaten by me
Hungry as I was, riled at my noisy uninvited guest
i looked at him, thinking, maybe he should be my quest.
Fried, baked, barbecued or soup?
He was destined to my food group.
I ate him.
I
jerked it
out to place
it back in and
it seems as though I can't get any out.
I
jerked it
out again
to place it back
in, yet, no luck in getting any out.
So,
I tried
ANOTHER
form of Pleasure,
taking off the lid and using plastic.
I
simply
just wanted
to drink my milk-
shake using a straw but a spoon will do.
Pace, G
04-20-2012
Oh laundry, how relentless you are in this house,
It’s as if I were a polygamist’s spouse.
By: Sabina Nicole
Got home awound twee (I was dwunk as a wouse)
Awose pwomptly at six wit' dwy cotton-mouth
I knew wather soon my day was gonna' bwow
When I stwuggled outta' bed and stubbed my wight toe
Fwopped back on the mattwess cwying and twitchin'
Staggoid back up and wimped to the kitchen
Stumbled to the counter to bwew Folger's bwend
Spiwwed it down my Hanes and boint my widdle fwend
Hobbled to the bathwoom to wustle up some Tums
Twipped on my fwip-fwop and bwuised my weft bun
Should not have cawoused wit' owe Bugsey wast night
Now my head hoits and de wight is too bwight
If I had not dwunk gin for my mowale booster
I coulda' swept in trew 'dat wascally wooster
(Don't feel wike wunning dat siwwy wat-wace
Tink I might caw in sick at the Woony-Tune pwace)
A foggy Cuervo morning
I crawl out of my bed
Stagger to the bathroom
With a pounding in my head
It’s just another Sunday
Things can’t get much worse
I think i’ll write a poem
Yes, another drunken verse
Tiny glass of 80 proof
What courage you gave me
To dance upon a table
While crooning karaoke
I truly thought that I could sing
I could hear the people cheer
Then I lost my footing
And fell right on my rear
Now falling off of tables
Isn't really all that dumb
Cause I got such a chuckle
Telling everyone to kiss my bum
I kissed a man I didn’t know
You think that’s absurd
Well his wife was rather angry
When I flipped her the big ol bird
When Jose takes control of me
I have no pride or shame
Doesnt really matter much
Cause no one knows my name
I drank until the wee hours
Things were going great
Until that final shot of gold
That sealed my eveings fate
I spent some time talking
On a ice cold porceline phone
If I survive this night
Tomorrow I will atone
Well today is tomorrow
So forgive me for my sin
Never again will I drink tequila
Instead I’m drinking gin
Sticky smears on the table top.
on the couch spilled soda pop
one chewed up shoe and one flip-flop
I’m doomed to clean this mess non-stop
Greasy dog bones gone astray
found buried in the rug today
the hamster made a getaway
where he’s gone it’s hard to say.
The shower drain is plugged, I swear
the tub has grout and needs repair
dirty laundry everywhere.
it really is a mess out there.
Under beds dust bunnies show
all closets are on overflow
the fridge is packed with things that grow
dishes clog the sink, I know.
Spaghetti sauce dumped on the floor
12 eggs broke, need I say more
fingerprints on every door
this place, a never-ending chore
Just when I think things can’t get worse
the leaking fish tank cracked and burst
40 gallons was dispersed
I think this house is cursed.
In every corner, ledge and groove
dirt and grim must be removed
there’s one solution I approve
pack your things, we’re going to move!
Liz Relly – 3/06/2012
“Cobwebs and Dust” Contest (new start)
eyes of deepest blue
lips sweet as maple syrup...
his dog loves him too
Before sentence is passed, please hear my plea
I promise to be the man that I should be
Don't give me death. Please be kind
I have a family I don't want to leave behind.
I was unaware at the time
That what I did was a horrible crime
So now I feel like a louse
Please don't kick me out of the house.
I know what I do now is totally right
I am surrendering without a fight
And with head bowed I know it's time
For me to pay for my crime.
From now on I will go straight
When I start snacking very late
The last thing I do after finishing my drink
Is put the damn dishes in the sink.
In a small town there lived a little lady
The lady`s name was Lucinda
Lucinda was always bubbling, cheerful and happy
When she laughed here rolling laughter,
both her cheeks and bosom shaked
She was a beautiful woman with wide hips,
and a butt as big as a dinner table
Lucinda was old and walking was difficult
and life was not so easy for her
She had not so much in this world,
but she always brought a bicycle
Everyone in the small town would help her
as best they could
Whatever you did for her, she thanked with these words:
"You shall have my old bike when I die"
Following the bubbling laughter, shaking cheeks and bosom
Everyone in the small town knew Lucinda,
loved her and wanted to help her
Same thanks every time:
"You shall have my old bike when I die"
Now Lucinda is dead
Her bike the city has received as a gift from Lucinda
If you see a bike in the flower park in the small town
Is it to remind the beloved sweet, rolling round Lucinda
that was always cheerful and happy
27.04.2012
A-L Andresen :)
Copyright © All Rights Reserved
Oh, toilet bowl
Did you hear me in the hall
Talking to that bastard wall
Asking who moved the door
Oh, toilet bowl
Don’t ever have gin and tonic
Cause inebriation is quite ironic
When lost in your own home
Oh, toilet bowl
So accessible and cool
Forgive my 90 proof drool
Irony is about to surface
Oh, toilet bowl
We're no longer alone
I’m talking to Ralph
on your big white phone
He says he’s sorry
Oh, toilet bowl
My porcelain gold
If I may be so bold
Meet my bottom
Oh, toilet bowl!
sugar substitute
low fat carbohydrate free
feed it to the cat
How is it that I
Can forget the objective
Before I get there?
Writer's Note:
No, I'm not a senior (not even close) so I don't have any excuse for this dilemma!
DG