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Best Poems Written by Celia St. James

Below are the all-time best Celia St. James poems as chosen by PoetrySoup members

Details | Celia St. James Poem

After

Since forever I've wanted to disappear,
Death is something I long for not something I fear,
For forever I've been imagining how life would be,
If flames turned me to ashes or if I became one with the sea.

They'd be devastated maybe for a month or two,
Then they'd be really happy, no more feeling blue,
They'd be happy that I finally chose to die,
So it doesn't really matter if there's a cloud less in the sky.

They'd read all my notes, all my secrets would be unveiled,
Everyone would see how horribly I failed,
They'd be disappointed and angry maybe even pity me,
But the cages would open and I know I would be free.

They'd decorate and clean my grave,
My presence they'd never crave,
But maybe they'd cry and wonder what went wrong,
And maybe for answers they would long.

They'd move on with their life and forget I was ever there,
and slowly and gradually they'll stop to care, 
they'd start to recover the once-taken space ,
and slowly and gradually they forget my face.

And when I am gone there will be no one to remember me in pastel skies,
No one to search my face in the butterflies,
finally, unbothered I would take my eternal rest,
so I guess it all probably was for the best.

I finally pull the trigger I know I won't regret, My flowing blood pays my life's debt,
And for the last time, I  close my eyes,
as I seal the letters with all my goodbyes.

And hopefully, I'll be somewhere far away sleeping in the stars,
where there'd be no more pain, no more suffering, no scars,
The battles I fought till the end would finally cease,
I'd  be happy living in evermore peace

Details | Celia St. James Poem

Hate

I hate my stupid self for still having hope 
I hate myself for not yet tying the rope 
I hate myself for still trying to cope

I hate myself for not moving on
I hate myself for still being a pawn
I hate myself for being hopeful of dawn

I hate myself for not sealing the cut
I hate myself for not glueing my heart shut
I hate myself for not trusting my gut

I hate myself for always being wrong
I hate myself for still waiting so long
I hate myself for never being strong

I hate myself for never being enough to satisfy
I hate myself for believing that I could still fly
I hate myself for still not wanting to cry


I hate myself for never letting go
I hate myself for not allowing me to grow
I hate myself for not rising from below


I hate myself for still being in pain
I hate myself for throwing my efforts in vain
I hate myself for not being sane

Details | Celia St. James Poem

Living in it

I live in delusion, I live in fear, 
I Don't let anyone too close, don't let anyone near
I keep my eyes open and don't let my guard down 
I'll be floating and in the next blink I'll still drown

I live in disbelief, I live in denial
I'm not depressed, I'm not suicidal
I'll Gaslight myself, I'll say that I'm fine
Any hint of sanity I'll still  decline
   

I live in anger, I live in rage
I'll write and draw, I'll tear the page
I won't be restrained, I'll scream and shout
I'll tear every nerve to let the demons out


I live in remorse, I live in regret
I try to move on, I try to forget
I want to take the next step, the next chapter I want to read
But the wounds of the past continue to bleed


I live in suffering, I live in pain
Through myself, blood I make rain
I shed tears, I forever mourn
The book of my life is shredded and torn.

Details | Celia St. James Poem

Self-harm, a drug

The violence is my addiction
The pain keeps me lingering
It's like my self-diagnosed prescription
Every shade of red now I find it triggering.

I want to stop it for once and for all
But my body doesn't sync with my mind
It's now deep and intense what once started off small,
The weapons somehow my hands still find.


I promise myself I won't let it get worse
Alas promises are meant to be broken
I don't even try to undo this curse
I collect the scars like they're precious tokens

I hide as if my life would end if they see,
Different swords I use to commit the same crime
I myself tie the ropes so I can't break free,
Sigh and say I won't go this deep the next time.

I make not a single thought and I'm already bleeding,
the blood and tears combine giving me mere seconds of peace.
My shivering body for an end is pleading 
in the dripping blood that ricochets I find ease.


I reassure myself despite knowing I'm lying
I'm the one fueling this loop of misery
I make cuts to hang on instead of dying
I continue to do it even though it kills me, the injury.



The skin that keeps me contained has slits all over
Every day I wash away the blood behind closed doors
I'm an addict always failing to get sober
Out of shame, my head lowers seeing as the blood everywhere pours.

Details | Celia St. James Poem

Healing

I've given it my blood, sweat, tears,
It has taken every ounce of self-control,
I've been so close to relapsing but I didn't,
I did all that I could and I did it.
I've been clean.

But I undress, I strip,
I stare at myself in the mirror with eyes open wide,
It frustrates me to not see myself bleed, not in suffering, not in pain.
I zoom in on the scars that I once punished myself with, they're healed, they don't bleed, they don't hurt.
The violence, the anger, the rage they once were now they're just innocent marks left by crimes of hatred.
I should be happy to see my scars heal,
I should celebrate the disappearance of them,
Instead, I cry, it takes everything in me to not try to give myself new ones,
The healing doesn't fit right with me,
Peace, calm, tranquillity, they're unsettling to me.
The curse lies in me it eats me I become the curse.
I cannot fathom anything good.
Every inconvenience results in bloodshed,
I try to stop myself,
But I know I never can
I can't not go back to my old ways
The story of my life is written in blood
Then who am I to stop the blood from dripping
After all, it's me who's hurting no one else
I can make the choice, 
Every ounce of pain and suffering I am well deserving of,
So there's no true point in stopping, not being in pain is going to do no good to me, so why should I even consider putting an end?
Healing is a myth
Recovery is a lie.

Details | Celia St. James Poem

Wants

The stress, the frustration, the anger.
All so invading, taking over every cell in my body,
Not letting me rise, not letting me move on
I try to run but my legs are caught up in the thorns, the vines, the stalks of depression, denial, disbelief. My eyes refusing to see, my ears refusing to hear, my heart refusing to feel, my scars refusing to heal, my throat refusing to let out a cry,  my body and soul refusing to die.

The confusion, the million questions, all of this for what? Was that single blurry glimpse of peace worth all the desperate war? Did the flesh, the skin peeling off my bones make up for it all? Did the shedded blood refill the sand in the hourglass? Were my shattered bones enough to bury the minute scratch on your diamond?


I want the satisfaction of revenge,
I want the pleasure of violence, I want to continue to fight till my last breath, I want bloodshed and battles. but truly, deep inside the million broken pieces of my glitching heart, all I wish for is an end, my bones are broken, my will is shattered, my blood is flowing, and my tears are dripping. My last ounce of energy is used to lift the sword again. I want to step into an eternal hibernation, become one with the grass, let the bugs and worms feast on my scarred dark, sinful flesh, Peace I want but peace I can't grant.
The end stays there longing for me to give it the touch of life. I repeat the cycle once again and go on and on provoking the same violence for now and for infinity.

Details | Celia St. James Poem

Destiny

I have ghosts who live inside me and refuse to move out
They tear me apart piece by piece with every passing moment, as I try not to remain silent anymore but my cries are muffled by the shadow choking me, I tremble and shiver as the air inside my lungs slowly disappears and starts to get replaced by non-existent water, the force of a million goodbyes pulls me under the water I try to hold on to a glimmer of hope on the surface but my strength is nothing compared to the regrets that pull me in. My desperate hands try to hold on to the air for the last time, but as obvious as it is I held on to nothing, to an expression that doesn't exist, I might be foolish but maybe I was just lost in the moment, I was a child, I was innocent and naive, I didn't know better, but somehow it's still all on me, it's my fault so I pay the consequences of my own actions and I with tears in my eyes and heart being turned to shreds watch without flinching the life being sucked out of me and I smile as I get crushed and bear the pain of my heart and soul simultaneously being burned to ashes multiple times over and over until I breathe my last still smiling because I know the end to this merciless voyage has arrived and my mind is now free from this constant state of torture and suffering. 
But when I finally close my eyes I am greeted by the sound of all my burdens and mistakes, the people I've hurt, the ghosts I've provoked, the pages I've torn and the bridges I've burned following me ruthlessly with swords and daggers the peace I dreamed of turns out to be a myth, a lie. I lift my skirt that weighs the weight of my crime and try to run and escape them all but I trip and fall and scream as I land on the shattered glass that pierces through my skin, the flowing blood tying me to the ground as they all catch up to me and pitilessly stab me with their weapons, my clothes my body, my hair all drenched in blood every inch of me reeking with the scent of it. I lay there lifeless finally accepting that this is my forever and nothing I do or don't do would be able to change it.

Details | Celia St. James Poem

Clean

I say that I'm clean, I say that I'm Okay, I say that I'm fine,
I'm clean but I never don't miss it, not one moment goes by where my hands don't long for the feel of the blade between my fingers, where my skin isn't desperate to be drenched in blood, where my nerves don't crave the pain and burn.
No matter what I do, no matter how many times I rise,  no matter how many times I swim and soar, I'm bound to go back into the same rabbit hole, back to the grave I rose from, I'm bound to fall and drown. My attempts to crawl back up are all buried by the weight of all the blunt blades, the candles, the knives I've hidden with every step I've taken,
My unfought battles, my body all in a constant state of war with me, I keep retracing the same wrong path, keep stabbing my heart with the same dagger, as far as I can see the end is never near, I crawl through the infinite loop, still somehow in hopes for an end, but I never reach it do I? I sit there burning my flesh to make light for your arrival but you never come do you? I provoke myself until my limits are long gone, but I never learn, do I? I stitch the cut and confiscate the sword, but I never heal do I? I'm covered in wounds and breathing my last but I never die do I?

Details | Celia St. James Poem

The bane of my existence and the object of my desire

"You're the Bane of my existence and the object of my desire", I could never tell you that, these words could describe what I feel for you but only incorrectly. You could never be the Bane of my existence, because I feel blessed to have known you, I feel honoured to have had the great joy of seeing you smile, you aren't the Bane but you are solely the cause of my existence, I would rather have my lips sewn shut for eternity than to think of you as a Bane or curse because you, my darling, are the what makes my existence exist, without you, love, I wouldn't be who I am my existence wouldn't be mine, I'd be a fraud, an imposter without having had the chance to have been changed for good by you, I wouldn't recognise who I se in the mirror, I wouldn't have known myself, id be a stranger to my eyes, if it wasn't for you. I'd still be living in darkness, convinced that the world is just fifty shades of black if you hadn't lit my world the moment you told me hi, if the darkness in my life hadn't swept away the second I have seen your eyes twinkle and your cheeks turn maroon ever so slightly when you smiled at me. 
You, my love, aren't just an object that I desire, you are the answer to all my prayers, the one glimmer of light that I'd begged god for, you are my destiny and my fate, you are the missing piece that my soul has forever longed for and I'd be a fool to turn such a perfect and complex person like you into merely an object that I desire. But you aren't just an object,.you are so much more meaningful than that. And Yes, I desire you, it is true that you're all my desires combined, but I not only desire you I need you, I want you and I love you and those words don't nearly compare enough to what I feel for you, I feel oceans of love for you I'm not able to express even a drop worth and that I will forever regret.