Doom sets in watching night turn to day, horror and grief at what I’ve done—circadian rhythm brutality murdered by my own hands.
The light bleeds in through the blinds, thwarting my best efforts to block it out.
I know what I must do.
Hide the evidence—the bags under my eyes tucked away, the subtle pause in my movements, and my draw more southern than I usually give.
The bitter black mixed with sweet richness keeps me going for the rest of the day.
They all know what I did that night.
I know they can sense it.
I killed her.
I mourn your death, though you still breathe and speak,
No carved stone waits where your memory should lie;
I hear a silence where your laughter used to peak,
And rehearse your absence like a practiced goodbye.
There is no grave to mark the shape of your end,
No earth has closed where your shadow might remain,
Yet I still kneel where I imagine you’ll descend,
Tracing future hollowed out by unnamed pain.
I build you a coffin out of all I cannot say,
And line it with the seconds you have not yet lost,
Each one a small betrayal of a coming day,
Each one a quiet accounting of an unseen cost.
Your voice still stands, but I already hear it fade,
Like a room remembering the furniture gone cold,
Like iron slowly learning to degrade,
While no hand has yet dared to make the story old.
So I learn your leave before it learns your name,
And I grieve a shape that time has not agreed to form;
A future stitched from silence, woe, and borrowed flame,
Where I know no stone—only pain keeping me warm.
Paranoia can be common among
People who
Persist in believing tales which are
Patently false.
Perhaps they want to
Prove to themselves that what they believe is really true. Or
Possibly, are blind to the truth.
It comes at night, a tendril below pillowcase.
It comes in a café, steam rising in accusatory curls.
It comes when reading, words spooling into wordsearch loops.
It comes in conversations, translating words into true falsities.
It comes within noise, an invisible barking that hunts in silence.
I went on a bike ride, I was hyper-alert
I had just emerged from the mental ward
I thought I was despised, felt wounded and hurt
But I lied to the doctor to get out the door
For the first miles I felt the wind in my hair
Then a car drove by, I heard a loud jeer
It was just a dog with his nose in the air
I had mistaken my species, all was clear.
Two miles on, an ambush from the side
A loud sneer, I felt sudden stress
On closer look, a Downs Syndrome guy
I let out my breath, stress got less.
Got into Kingston, car passed, a shout
"Go Home" it said, and then passed by
Was this true, should I block it out?
Why riff off a chord, if the chord don't apply?
Ten miles later, a hand reached out of a car
Tried to push me off the road
They failed, but threw my mind's door ajar
Stress climbed, I felt I would explode.
I crested a hill, a view opened wide
Then I started to think, was it all the same?
Why get anxious, on this scenic ride?
My illusions and theirs - it' was all a game.
We fear the government spies in the dead of night,
So we buy a wiretap to adjust the light.
We panic over microchips implanted in the skin,
While carrying a tracker where the scrolling begins.
There is no need for a fly on the wall to watch the show,
When we livestream our breakfast so the advertisers know.
In July, the sun mocks me—burning bright,
yet I shiver in corners, wrapped in fright.
The air is warm, the world is gold,
but something ancient, cold, takes hold.
A voice from the mirror whispers my name,
the walls are breathing, they play a game.
Shadows crawl like thoughts I hide,
my mother’s eyes in the ceiling slide.
I light a candle—no warmth, no glow,
just flickers of memories I’d rather not know.
Did I lock the door, or was that a dream?
The teacup laughed. The faucet screamed.
A child cries in my spine each night,
clutching Oedipus too tight.
Paranoia, hallucination, the soul's disguise—
I freeze beneath a summer sky,
and truth, like ice, lives behind the eyes.
Be a still shadow when the void is
smeared
onto concrete walls.
The void—
a deafening drone—
devours shadows that dare speak.
It closes in, fast—
in my head it whispers:
Join us. You are
hollowed enough
to blend in without fault.
I sit still—
because I was told:
If I move—If I shiver—
I become the smeared void.
In the sky, a brightly shining sun
is sending rays to catch someone,
but 'neath the trees I swiftly run.
Now, the hunt is taken by the moon,
but she won't snatch me very soon.
I peek from bed at that cratered goon,
who, undaunted, does then recruit
reinforcements, evil stars that shoot
twinkles at me, in hot pursuit,
but I'm laughing, oh so loud,
stars in bed, sun behind a shroud.
What's this - I'm chased by a cloud!
Everything in the heavens, high,
is after me, an important guy.
Do you know the reason why?
Sometimes, I dream of lying on the bed
Being silent, falling asleep,
Waking up and not talking to anyone.
I lie down and keep silent
I think about what is happening
Every day in my country,
In my friends' country and in the world.
Then, I want to screw up and down
Finally, flower gardens save and help
For the first time in my life,
I saw a large group of hibiscus to roses
It's awesome. It's magical. It's miracle.
Brush my teeth and ring the bell.
Floss and smell every smell.
They tried to tell me that the bed was right.
But I can feel more than bright.
Stay up late, as if I’m diving underwater.
Drown again, and I concur.
Stay up all night, and eat a sandwich.
Feel the evil switch.
Brush my teeth again, and again.
This lottery I try to win.
The slot machines keep me awake.
I wish I had a juicy steak.
They said that the cameras in my room were off.
But I hear that doll in the corner scoff.
But I don’t care if they see me dance.
As I dance in a way that makes no sense.
Brush my teeth, then turn to him.
He told me he will turn me in.
The sirens are not that far away.
So under the covers, I will stay.
Toothbrush dripping with water.
I hear them swerve.
The police are coming to check if I’m asleep.
But I can’t close my eyes and I make a peep.
Brush my teeth, and stay alive.
All I have is the sound of a beehive.
Brush my teeth, and try to stay in bed.
Or stay awake and die instead.
i wake up
in a body
that is not mine
who tied these strings
to my bones
and made me dance
-–
there are eyes
i cannot see
but they see me
whispersofverses.com for more i guess
they weigh me down
with their silence
with their judgment
-–
the mirror whispers
you are not enough
not the face
not the heart
not the soul
it spits back
what i already know
-–
how do you live
when your shadow
feels like a stranger
when the voice in your head
is your worst enemy
-–
they tell me
to love myself
but how can i
when my reflection
is a war zone
when every piece of me
is a battle lost
-–
the walls are closing in
the masks are smiling
the strings are pulling
and i am breaking
-–
but no one notices
because my cracks
are silent
Paranoia
I Don't Think
They Think
I Think
The Way
They Think
I Think
At All...
TOO MUCH!
-Gray Squirrel
12-13-2024
Trump Derangement Syndrome
and Hoya Paranoia*
Both reside in Washington D.C.
both designed to annoy ya
_______________________________
*The Georgetown University basketball
team's nickname is 'the Hoyas.' The
team is known for its 'annoying,' but
effective, full-court pressure defense.
Other teams became paranoid about
dribbling the ball against them. Hence,
'Hoya Paranoia.'
Practicing how to breathe, when there's a shortness of breath.A slow rhythm in the background calms me down, when a void tried to look into me.I was up alone yet again while the demons of the night visited me. Has it been a year now since sleep has become paralysing.I dared something much deeper within me, to find out it wasn't me who was talking back. A mindless creature may exist outside my comfort zones. Too long since we found a sense of belonging inside our lives, so I stepped into other people's life. Only to be found as different than all the rest. Being like this was never choice, have you ever seen what afflicts me? Please don't kick me out of your circle, it's dark where I am.I found you to understand me, helped me out of my misery. It's a gratitude that I don't belong with the monsters,my skin still remembered the abuse it's done to me. I've grown to be stronger than them, yet still my mind has captivated an attention of a million.
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