It was the night before Christmas, and I couldn't sleep,
I got out of bed without so much as a peep.
And headed to the kitchen for something to eat,
buck naked, except for the slippers on my feet.
I didn't dare turn on the nightlight and wake my wife,
for the last time I did that, she threatened my life.
The house was dead quiet; I could not hear a sound
as I ventured downstairs, feeling my way around.
I got to the living room, stumbling a few times,
then I heard music that sounded like Christmas chimes.
So, I went to the window and pulled back the drapes,
thinking the neighbors were playing some Christmas tapes.
I forgot I was as naked as a jaybird;
till I heard the loudest scream I had ever heard.
The church quire was midnight-caroling on my lawn,
and in plain view, I stood bare-assed, not a stitch on.
Judging by the faces I saw scrambling to leave,
I don't think they'll ever forget this Christmas Eve.
It was never my intent to flash anyone,
I simply wanted a ham and cheese on a bun.
Categories:
naked as a jaybird, anxiety, christmas, eve, fantasy,
Form: Rhyme
They say Adam and Eve pranced around wearing nothing
But fig leafs and the biggest grins the world has ever seen
Imagine NO FREAKING RULES!!!
All they had to worry about were those thorny bushes
And the occasional lightning bolt accompanied by a loud booming voice
Reminding Adam, “You owe me big time for this one, my friend!”
Caine and Abel along with seven other offsprings
Were the result of a lot of hanky panky
Do you blame him??? He was the luckiest dude EVER!!!
My question is, how did they keep those fig leafs in place
Scotch Tape? Elmer's Glue? Velcro?
Also why did they need those damn things to begin with
There wasn't another living soul to be seen
Imagine today, if we walked around naked as a jaybird
The population of the world would soar from 7 billion
To well over 20 billion in a matter of nine months counting twins
I'm not saying we couldn't carry on as usual with our daily routine
But perhaps the routine would be interrupted now and then
I have a suggestion for future generations if this becomes a problem
Think of Drew Carey nude!
Categories:
naked as a jaybird, beautiful,
Form: Free verse
prim and proper Miss A
Naked as a jaybird
in throes of dementia
chose the wrong room
old man screams for help
Categories:
naked as a jaybird, age,
Form: Limerick
Now this here Humorick is totally absurd
A naughty Humorick, naughtiest ever heard
But yours truly's got more
Some Humoricks hardcore
Where me and my friends are naked as jaybirds
Categories:
naked as a jaybird, fun,
Form: Limerick
Prancing through the house naked as a jaybird
was a spider with such a provocative hour-glass body
I thought she needed clothing. Maybe an itsy bitsy bikini?
Pajamas? An evening gown with a cloak?
I was never able to properly fit her, for she moved
Stealthily and quickly, slipping in and out of crevices
Sixteen times smaller than her body.
She disappears more easily than the dog does.
And she does not snore as loudly, so she is not easily found.
The only proof I have that she existed at all
is a raised bubbled up spider bite mark on my left wrist.
It is almost perfectly round; another talent of hers that I admire.
The next time a sexy spider comes to call, I have a closet of clothes for her.
Categories:
naked as a jaybird, animal, sexy,
Form: Light Verse
I am the Devil, alone in my Room
Redolent of pungent cologne and perfume
Naked I parade, in front of my mirror
No leering or catcalls, nothing to fear here
Incantantations I utter, so weird, so strange
Ha! There's no one around to call ME deranged
I make my way to my bed, a kingly throne
Where I curl up with my pet rat, telling bedbugs, "Begone!"
Time now to cross-dress: Where's my pitchfork and tutu?!
My adoring subjects dare not label ME 'Cuckoo!"
Alas, there' begun a steady knock at the door
It's Mom or it's Dad, unaccustomed to wait... But
"I'M NAKED AS A JAYBIRD, HIGH UP ON A ROCK!" So...
Just one more second, revered elders, while this pistol I load
~ As I prepare to return to my fiery abode...
Categories:
naked as a jaybird, dark, daughter, death, horror,
Form: Rhyme
I was a good wife that kept a spotless house,
And cooked good food each day for my dear spouse.
When he mowed the lawn in the summer heat,
I would bring him a cool drink, just to be sweet.
After thirty years we have parted ways.
Now I have a new trail in which to blaze.
I’m finding out that being single has its perks.
I’m in charge now, and that’s how it works!
I don’t have to clean the house if I’m not inclined,
Or cook every day, working off my behind!
I can go out to dinner whenever I choose.
I don’t have to watch a man on the couch snooze!
I can run around the house naked as a jaybird,
And go without makeup, which in the heat is preferred.
Yes, the single life has given me a taste of freedom.
My new motto in life is “love ‘em and leave ‘em.”
6/15/17
Categories:
naked as a jaybird, freedom, house, humorous, love,
Form: Light Verse
I decided some time ago
To go naked from now on
It saves a lot on my laundry bill
Plus I admit it's a bit of a thrill
The town has gotten used to the absurd
Of me being naked as a Jaybird
Although there still are ladies fainting
And lots of babies crying
There's no better feeling than letting it all hang out
Plus it gives the bridge club something to talk about
Even if it's just a little bit
Did I mention it's cold as I'm writing this?
Though I might have taken it over the edge
That day at the grocery to buy milk and bread
The cashier thought me deranged
When she saw where it was that I keep my change
One thing good came out of all of this
They treat me now like nobody's biz
Although I've never been that cheap
They now give me everything I need for free
Categories:
naked as a jaybird, funny, humor,
Form: Light Verse
They say Adam and Eve pranced around wearing nothing
But fig leafs and the biggest grins the world has ever seen
Imagine NO FREAKING RULES!!!
All they had to worry about were those thorny bushes
And the occasional lightning bolt accompanied by a loud booming voice
Reminding Adam, “You owe me big time for this one, my friend!”
Caine and Abel along with seven other offsprings
Were the result of a lot of hanky panky
Do you blame him??? He was the luckiest dude EVER!!!
My question is, how did they keep those fig leafs in place
Scotch Tape? Elmer's Glue? Velcro?
Also why did they need those damn things to begin with
There wasn't another living soul to be seen
Imagine today, if we walked around naked as a jaybird
The population of the world would soar from 7 billion
To well over 20 billion in a matter of nine months counting twins
I'm not saying we couldn't carry on as usual with our daily routine
But perhaps the routine would be interrupted now and then
I have a suggestion for future generations if this becomes a problem
Think of Drew Carey naked!
© Jack Ellison 2014
Categories:
naked as a jaybird, fun, humorous,
Form: Narrative
reminds me of the funeral job,
at the morgue 40 tables, i logged,
one of a hundred jobs id see,
blood n guts an misery,
macarbe on mentality...
but id come to get ol Marge,
suspended on 3 chains, was large,
stiff as iniquity,
came flying though the air,
6 feet up without a care,
no bloody dignity,
as naked as a Jaybird she,
but death had set her free,
as she said to me...
re:"While Waiting At The River Styx"
Terry O'Leary
Don
Guys at the morgue like to shock ya, so i get this naked lady zooming towards me suspended on 3 chains attached to rollers on the ceiling...one under the neck, one under the waist, and one under the ankles..a shock to the system...
as i come in the door...the tables 40 were all occupied with the grim reapers handiwork...
Categories:
naked as a jaybird, adventure, me,
Form: Ballad