Long Say it out loud Poems
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I let lust lead.
So when I speak on this,
I’m not guessing.
I’m not judging.
I know what it does.
It rips your heart.
Messes up your mind.
Twists how you see people
how you see yourself.
It cages you.
Makes you smile in public
but cry in secret.
Makes you feel too dirty for grace.
Too broken for mercy.
Too far for forgiveness.
And the worst part?
It makes you think God’s done with you.
And truth is — He should be.
But He’s not.
Because Jesus didn’t die for the cleaned-up version of you
He died for the broken one.
The ashamed one.
The addict.
The liar.
The boy with secrets.
The girl with regrets.
You can’t delete demons with a filter.
You can’t kill sin by willpower.
You can’t win this war by fighting flesh with flesh.
You need the Spirit.
You need God.
I tried everything.
Fasted. Blocked sites. Prayed.
Deleted apps. Made promises.
And still fell.
Until the Holy Spirit whispered:
"You don't get free by pretending you're not bound.
You get free by bringing it to the light."
So I did.
I confessed.
Not to impress.
But to survive.
To finally live.
And you know what?
God didn’t cancel me.
He covered me.
He didn’t shame me.
He saved me.
No lightning.
No thunder.
Just quiet conviction
and loud mercy.
Now, I don’t boast in my strength.
Because it wasn’t me.
It was always God.
Every time I said, “I can’t,”
He whispered, “I can.”
Every time I fell,
His grace picked me up again.
I still fight
but now I fight from victory, not for it.
I’m not perfect
but I’m free.
And I write this for you.
Yes, you.
If you’re stuck in ****,
trapped in shame,
thinking it’s too late
It’s not.
Jesus didn’t just die to save you from hell.
He died to save you from this.
This secret sin.
This silent prison.
This hidden addiction.
So bring it to Him.
Say it out loud.
Let the light in.
Because when you confess,
He doesn’t walk away
He walks in.
He breaks chains.
He still does.
And I am living proof.
So let the world hear this:
My little secret sin is now exposed
not to shame me,
but to free someone else.
Because if He did it for me,
He can do it for you.
Let the world hear.
Let the broken repent.
Let the captives run free.
Let the light shine in the darkest room.
This is not weakness.
This is freedom.
This is Jesus.
And He is still breaking chains.
Dusts of chalks are floating in the air,
We’re bit not cozy for this boredom to care.
Gladly stuck in this wooden peach room,
Surrounded with blooms who are obviously gloom.
I’m out of my mind to say it out loud,
Feels like I want to go out where I could shout loud.
Sparks are flying in a hot dead end,
Bounded with confusion like they all want to blend.
Stately want to say that I’m sick of this routine,
Too much of works are killing my intestine.
I hate how this thing strikes in the mid of my day,
White dusts in my hand are little bit vex to play.
Maybe I got lost in this smoothless progression,
Absurd malady is strongly quite revolution.
I don’t know how to get along with these things in proper,
Knowing that boredom is all I have to suffer.
Holy Prayer
If words ain't enough, I'll say a prayer
Hoping that it will be heard
Cause I'm on my knees facing up
Hands clasp together as I say this prayer
I'm not worthy to demand anything
But I still come before you
Hoping that you'll hear this prayer
Cause this time I ain't praying for me
I'm praying for my dear old grandma
For her health to be back
For her to heal and get on her feet
Cause she's all I've got
I'm praying that she regains her smile
Cause she's my pillar in terms of despair
My rock when I've got noone there
A true representation of your presence here
That's why I pray for her speedy recovery
Cause she's got a lot to look forward to
And this prayer I've just said now
It's her who taught me, and that's why I say it out loud
The PO£T
Let Them Judge You
When you stand up and speak for the things you believe,
Or you show what you feel; wear your heart on your sleeve.
When your thoughts and opinions don’t follow the crowd,
And you’re brutally honest and say it out loud…
Let them judge you.
When you work extra hours for no extra pay,
To ensure the job’s done by the end of the day.
When you cover a colleague who’s often off sick,
Or tolerate bosses who get on your wick…
Let them judge you.
When you finally snap cos it’s all got too tough,
And you throw in the towel and shout, “I’ve had enough!”
When you storm off and leave everyone in a daze,
Muttering and commenting about your odd ways…
Let them judge you.
Let them judge and opinionate, gossip and label.
Let them do everything better than you, if they’re able.
Let them build you up, put you down, doubt your ability.
Let them chatter and natter with puerile hostility…
Let them judge you.
You know who you are, for greater or lesser.
No need to retort or to be the aggressor.
Their thoughts, words and deeds will judge them in turn.
They are feeble, and immature and not your concern.
Every step I take I know I will regret
Thump
Thump
Thump
Each step is a step closer to the place I hate most
But can I really say that when it’s the only place I feel safe?
It’s my own mini-home, so why must I insatiably and greedily want something better?
It’s not like it’s ugly or small, smelly or uncomfortable, so why must I hate it the most?
Each step I take is a step away from what I long to have
Will they love me one day?
Will they ever want me?
Will they grow tired of trying?
I don’t mean to, but it’s only second nature
I leave like the selfish child they see me to be
Have I ever been a good child?
Have I ever given them something to love?
Have I ever given them a sense of completion?
This is what separates me and them
Every step
Every time I go forward, I lose something dear
Every time I go back, I lose something dear
Insaitable, am I?
Greedy, am I?
Their dark, unwelcoming, a path to doom but for some reason I still march forth
Thump
Thump
Thump
I’ll never say it out loud
I’ll never tell them
They miss me, I know they do
They tell me
They give me that gaze
Their eyes tell me all I need to know
It’s too late
The lights remained bright-
you were quite fidgety yet relaxed,
and as for me; I remained stiff.
It was as though sadness, confusion,
and hurt took its toll over my body; Only I couldn't react.
My body remained numb, wanting to cry
and scream but knowing that doing this would only make matters
worse.
Starring into space, I found myself looking for answers.
As if somehow my eyes would gaze upon a word,
perhaps even a person who could give me some kind of
direction.
The answer was there, I knew the solution,
but never had the guts to accept it, let alone say it out loud.
In result my mouth remained shut.
Maybe it wasn't your heart that I was afraid of breaking, but my own.
Because it was moments like these where the truth hurt.
And I'd much rather the silence over power the painful truth,
that was bound to slip through our lips.
the bell rings,
and the world moves again—
backpacks swing,
voices fill the hall,
and i’m still sitting here,
staring at a blank page
that keeps whispering his name.
my uncle is dying.
they said it so quietly,
like maybe if they whispered,
it wouldn’t come true.
pancreatic cancer—
last stage,
no cure,
just time,
as if time were mercy.
i used to think sadness was loud—
crying, breaking,
some movie thing.
but it’s not.
it’s quiet.
it’s when your chest feels heavy
but your face doesn’t move.
it’s when the teacher’s words
slide off your brain like water,
and all you can hear
is your own heartbeat asking,
“why him?”
i sit behind a school desk
while he lies on a couch somewhere,
fighting to keep his food down.
and i hate it—
how i’m here,
how i still laugh sometimes,
how life doesn’t stop for this.
they tell me to focus,
to eat,
to stay strong.
but how do you eat
when guilt sits where hunger should be?
how do you focus
when grief is already practicing its lines
inside your skull?
he still smiles when i visit.
two hours a week,
every time he says, “hey, kiddo,”
like it’s just another day.
but i see it—
the shaking hands,
the thinness.
he’s slipping,
and no one wants to say it out loud.
the bell rings again.
everyone leaves.
i stay.
because i can’t learn equations
when i’m already counting
how many weeks might be left.
So you want me to tell you my story
it's a long one, you'd better take a seat
It's not meant for all ears and hearts
Bad people are who you are going to meet
I had a rough time of it growing up
I write about it quite a bit
I feel it helps me to heal and grow
And when I write it's a place where I fit
Let me tell you some bad thing happened
things you could not think up in your head
these things were conjured by very sick people
I can write of it now that they are dead
I've always felt obligated to keep it secret
I'm not sure why but it was a fact
Like they knew I would and didn't worry
about me spilling the beans on their act
My parents were the monsters in this story
they said they loved me but that was a lie
They hurt me over and over again
It never even occured to me to ask them why
It was every kind of abuse you've heard of
and a couple more that you'll never have to know
When I say it out loud I get sick inside myself
you can't see the scars, they don't show
I didn't get to learn as most kids do
I didn't get the luxury of play
I figured a new way to survive and heal
As I barely made it from day to day
They liked to cause me the utmost pain
and suffering that they could possibly do
I was an infant when all of it started
stopping only when a neighbor in my teens somehow knew
My parents were very prominent people
we were rich by anyone's view
I wanted for nothing but regular things
like love, attention and stability to name a few
Life went along as it usually does
I learned the hard way to say the least
I didn't have a childhood to draw from
and inside my head was a beast
My personality split into dozens back then
and whittled down through the years
To where now there's on only me and two others
One for anger, me for life and one for tears.
I've bared a lot in these words I've wrote
I hope you can make sense of them
My only hope is to help someone
and maybe from here healing will stem
10/19/21
Are you as you want it?
First of all
You have to visualize say it out loud
What you want
Whether what you want to do
What you want to take place
How do you want it to be
for you - glorious you
For starter
I want to cook
Do I cook right now?
No - so it would be a milestone for me
An effort
What else do I want?
I want to be financially stable - self sufficient
Debt free
How do I get there?
Do I just sit here and it will happen?
No
I have to make an effort
Of not eating out too much
Of spending too much
Of watching to see where my money goes
And make an effort of keeping it in my bank
It does not have two legs
But it does have two hands - mine
And it’s gone - just like that
I have to think - it’s okay
It can stay there
And not having me feel like I have to spend it
Does anyone have a problem like mine?
No one?
Lol it’s okay
Mine and I am dealing with it
I want to treat people nicer
And not too set in my way
And not be emotionally responsive
Of their needs - and too absorbed in mine
Things do go two ways
Your ways and the other person’s
Both have to be satisfied
Can you ensure that?
Asking myself lol
I want to be socially responsive
It means making more friends and keeping them
Instead of letting go and let it drift apart
Away from me and long gone
before I notice it
Let bygones be bygones
Today is a new day
Promise?
Chocolate’s a drug, but it’s legal
It wont get you on charges in court
You can buy it on any street corner
There is no other drug of this sort
Its power is quite meteoric
As its essence goes straight to the brain
The feeling you get is euphoric
You can do it again and again
Each bar that you eat feeds the urges
But once it has passed by your lips
As into your brain chocolate surges
A little will stick to your hips
Your beam will get wider and wider
You will start to stand out in a crowd
They will know you’re addicted to chocolate
There is no need to say it out loud
And as the addiction gets stronger
You’ll eat chocolate with every course
You won’t have friends any longer
You will find yourself wracked with remorse
As your rear end continues expanding
And your energy levels get low
You will find exercise more demanding
When you’ve only one speed, and that’s slow
Luckily there’s a solution
It’ll get you up off of your back
Just make it your new resolution
To get an addiction to crack
© John W Fenn 08-05-2009
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