Long Lossheart Poems
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* DARREN SMITH* 1971---2006
KEEPING YOUR MEMORY ALIVE
ONE YEAR AND COME AND SWIFTLY GONE
TO THAT THAT ONE YEAR AGO,
WHEN I GOT THE NEWS I ALWAYS DREADED
AND IT RIPPED MY HEART AND SOUL.
MY TEARS ARE STILL FRESH AS ON THAT DAY
YOUR LIFE WAS SUDDENLY TOOK AWAY.
THINGS ARE NOT THE SAME ANYMORE NOW
SINCE THAT DAY YO WENT AWAY.
SOMEDAYS I FEEL MY HEART IS HEALING GOOD
AND OTHER DAYS I JUST DONT CARE,
WHEN I THINK OF ALL THE PAIN YOU SUFFERED
MY HEART GETS FULL OF DESPAIR.
I REALLY MISS YOU DARREN MY PRECIOUS SON
AND I TRY TO STAY RALLY STRONG,
BUT SOMETIMES I FIND IT SO VERY HARD
WHEN I WONDER WHAT WENT WRONG.
THIS WORLD IS GETTING VERY BAD NOW DARREN
THERES DESTRUCTION EVERYWHERE,
THE LOVE AND COMPASSION IS GONE FROM LIFE
AND THE BURDENS ARE HARD TO BARE.
KNOWING THAT YOU ARE IN HEAVEN WITH JESUS
HAS HELPED ME TO GET THROUGH,
AND JUST KNOWING SOMEDAY WE WILL MEET AGAIN
HAS EASE MY HEARTACHE TO.
I NEVER GOT A CHANCE TO GIVE YOU A HUG
AND NO CHANCE TO SAY GOOD BYE,
AND NOW ONE YEAR LATER I DONT UNDERSTAND
THE REASON YOU HAD TO DIE.
I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW I LOVE YOU DARREN
AND HAVE YOUR MEMORIES STORED IN MY HEART,
AND THEY WILL NEVER FADE AWAY,
FOR I HAVE LOVED YOU SINCE THE START.
AND SOMEDAY SOON I WILL SEE YOU AGAIN
AND THEN WE WILL PART NO MORE
WHEN WE REACH THAT HOME UP YONDER
GODS GREAT ETERTNAL SHORE.
WRITTEN BY ANN HART,JULY 19TH 2007
IN MEMORY OF MY PRECIOUS DARREN
THAT WAS MURDERED IN JULY OF 2007
COPYRIGHTED
* I MISS YOU DARREN *
Form:
He was found that morning, the peace of the day was shattered
Before the day had begun.
That call raped my virgin heart from its’ happy emotions.
Leaving behind an emotional scar.
As I walked down the church isle,
I knew in my broken heart this would be the last time I’d see him.
What a memory to have the rest of my life.
The reality of not being able to laugh and have fun set in,
Even the walls, ceilings, and floors mourned.
They were used to hearing us laugh casting echoes of laughter.
Now they were quiet like the rest of us.
The sound of clinking silverware and sniffling
was the only sound heard that holiday season.
When I visit my aunt, the living room’s quiet,
The sound of the ticking clocks break the awkward silence every time.
If it weren’t for the clocks, I’d go insane.
This is a walk I don’t want to remember but always will.
Seeing my uncle regret that bargain.
One never knows the events that’ll transpire,
in reality it wasn’t the bargain. He would’ve used whatever, it just happened to be that extension cord.
But that’s the weight of my uncle’s unhappiness,
it wasn’t my aunt getting onto him that day,
Nor the officer that gave him a ticket,
nor the fight his girlfriend picked that night. It wasn’t his brothers fault either
For not lending him some money nor mine for not spending the night and everything else. What if’s replaced
our joy.
“What if I’d stayed, would he have done that ?”
When a pebble’s cast into water, it doesn’t cast a one sided ripple casts ripples in every direction. I guess
that’s why we all blame ourselves.
When we walk into the living room it’s not his pictures that reminds us of what we lost, it’s that new piece of
sheetrock that’s brighter than the others. I guess my uncles regret never gave him the motivation to finish
the ceiling.
______________________________
Written in the perspective of a friend
If I could choose the right way in the right situation,
I would choose you.
You’re a picture perfect screen on a rainy day.
I was easily lost in the suppleness of you arms.
It's perfection because you made it that way.
I am a reckless dream that will never again return to normal.
But I am here, weather you see or hear from me or not.
Reality; he tares at the wounds that were made so long ago, the ones you made me forget
when I was around you. Maybe that’s why you’re perfect.
He has changed, and all is better till I think of you. That’s why I have my broken moments,
at times a broken heart.
Who am I to him?
Who am I to you, now?
I try to think through this, but my head does not know what my heart tells it.
Its stronger then my heart. That’s why I am here.
Vastly intrigued by you still.
Love was once kind, naive, and so easy to fall into.
I will never know that kind of gentle again.
It makes you and brakes you all in the same moment.
As I did to you,
It’s dense and yet so clear at times.
Perfect couldn’t possibly exist.
This distance hurts,
My dreams now leave a cold vague image in my head and a fire in my heart that melts my
soul…
There is an emptiness that only you can fill.
Weather it is wrong or right, it is real.
Why does it have to be this way?
I will only end up bottling my emotions and putting them away,
I can hide it well, but you know that.
I wish you could be there,
Wish you could be my friend.
I am sorry I ruined that.
My reckless world has brought you closer to my heart and for that I am not sorry.
I only regret the loss that is now mine.
If perfect does exist,
Then perfect is you.
I miss you.
Form:
I lay upon a stranger's bed
The mattress hard and sharp
There is no comfort here tonight
My fear plays with the dread
My mind is frail; my thoughts are pale
I'd like to nail them down
My heart is pounding, time is gone
I feel my slow, slow breath
I wish I had the dreams of old
I wish I had the will to turn
I wish I had the hopes I held
As I lay upon this bed of cold
I wish I could embrace those hopes
As they twist and pace and burn
I wish I could remember them
I wish I heard their sweet, sweet songs
I'd hold their frozen hands in mine
I'd carry them along
Yeah, I'd carry them along
I'd kiss that frozen child of mine
And carry him along
I have regrets, but none so hard
As when I saw the light turn dark
As when I heard the lock again
When with his magic, brilliant pen
The doctor signed me in again
Sometimes fate is not so kind
It puts us back in time
It pulls us hard against ourselves
Like a siren in the rain
Like a muted siren fading
In the black, coughing rain
Now I feel the hand of time
It grips my mind, turns out the light
The room spins round with colors white
To stay awake you have to fight
They'll come for you if you don't fight
I lay upon this stranger’s bed
I lay without a plan
Perhaps I’ll find that I am me
Perhaps I’ll find that I can’t be
Perhaps I’ll never give a damn
Perhaps again the door will slam
There is no comfort here tonight
The room spins round; where is the light
I feel the creeping ice of night
Lay on my soul with fingers white
My breath is slow, my thoughts are frail
My heart is weak, my muscles fail
The siren fades into the night
And leaves another kind of light
everything you’ve said
whispers round to me
here now I sit
this warning is free
dead are my dreams
in your pretense of care
sweeping the misery
as you reek of despair
A fair weather friend
in the mirror narcissus
your lies pave roads
a consummate actress
I have begun to believe
ricin flows in your veins
everything you touch
weeps of black stains
all poison you leach
flows right back to me
and as I found out
I raged disbelief
a roaring rant
told them they lied
here as I weep
the truth will not die
to my face you smile
as fangs stroke my hair
coaxing and pleading
pretension webs there
a black widow spider
masked in mortal garb
the spear of your words
broke my skin like a barb
through the weather of life
in the course of the rain
I have measured my life
in the blood of the pain
A beaker of misery
I add to the pot
from friend to foe
this cant be forgot
I’ve come to tell you
you’ve been mistaken
for my spirit breathes
and is not forsaken
see I maybe down
but honey not out
you watch your back
when I come I wont shout
as the Chinese whispers
you’ve spread about me
in this river of hate
my agony is freed
revenge is served cold
is something I’ve heard
but the blood of a mongol
pumps the heart of this bird
so watch through the night
keep your ear to the dark
that scratch in the wall
carries more than a bark
from wretch to the wrath
I have now become
you killed all the light
in the heart of my sun
I found some old pictures of us that I thought were lost.
In an old book called memories that you had bought.
I remember your smile the day you gave it to me.
You said we’d make our own book like that for the world to see.
It wasn’t long after that when you had left.
It’s a book that will never get finished that I must accept.
I would let it find its way back to you if I knew where it could be sent.
Cleaning out our past has left me exhausted with my mind spent.
No I’ve never been good with good-bye.
So glad that the night can conceal the pain in my eyes.
Wish I could give you back your life and your last breath.
So I could tell you so many feelings that I have that I need to express.
No I’ve never been good with good-bye.
Sitting alone by this fire here tonight.
I can’t find reason to why you were taken from my side.
I know like the angel you are you have taken flight.
Just here hoping you hear my broken good-bye.
I love how you haunt me when I’m sleeping.
Yet when I wake my heart is once again left to bleed.
Your voice sings as I sit back and watch us on old videos.
I’ve been crawling these walls thinking of how to let you go.
I put the scent of your perfume on our bed once again.
I know at some point soon this will have to end.
There is no question that in my heart your memory will never die.
I’ve just never been good with saying good-bye.
No I’ve never been good with good-bye.
So glad the night can conceal the pain in my eyes…..
Form:
Where to begin is the hardest part of all
What to say, what to write
Why is still a mystery
Why was I answered and then denied
Watching, waiting, wondering; why
When I knew the answer all along
When I saw it in your eyes
Still I managed to fall
I opened my heart and soul
Only to watch it crumble
A feeling I know all too well
Yet I can still see you
My mind is tortured
With images of a time never allowed
Joys never felt
Feelings never known
Never will I be free
Never again will I love another
Never again will I
Open my heart and soul
I thought we could be happy
Dancing, laughing, playing
Only in my dreams
Will I see the sweetest of things
My heart aches for you
To be healed by your warmth
To be touched by your words
To be loved with your love
Not a day goes by
Where I wish to hold you
To feel your strength
To feel your warmth
Not a night goes by
When I close my eyes
I can see you there
Where my wildest dreams come true
I imagined so much
In such a short time
Wanted more, much more
And got nothing
Even after hearing the truth
My heart still will not let go
Of a dream so real
Yet so far
I will never be free
Yet you gave me strength
To make my escape
Only to watch it vanish
Originally written 2000
On a beautiful morning one day in May - I went to my grandma and grandpa's to stay - My
grandpa fixed breakfast and fed it to me - I felt so secure as I sat on his knee - I ate every
bite of my eggs and my grits - For a snack later on we'd have cheese whiz and Ritz - But on
this bright morning when the dishes were done - We went out on the porch and sat down in
the sun - Grandpa picked up his paper and on that old porch swing - He went in a flash to
meet Jesus the King - Before I got grandma I climbed on his lap - Hugged him and kissed
him then my heart felt a gap - Although I was little my heart felt such dread - The moment I
realized my grandpa was dead - This was a day the angels rejoiced - Soon grandpa would
sing with his heavenly voice - Though I miss him dearly I know where he's gone - He's
joyfully worshiping God at His throne - I can't wait to see him - I know he is there - He's
praying that I will be kept in God's care - Soon we will be singing Amazing Grace as we all
live forever in that glorious place.
In Loving Memory of My Grandfather
Frank J. Geddings
5/21/63
Form:
I heard today on the radio news
about diet soda's bodily abuse
yesterday's bit, a blood-soaked whack
about my likely acute heart attack
I remember well my last cigarette
years peeled away, never to get
back to an ever longer life
cutting truth with sharpened knife
that too much carbs will metabolize
my body to twice it's natural size
and also, all that fat I'm ingesting
will contribute to my heart arresting
crossing against a light, the J-walk trot
seems so pedestrian, could hurt...a lot
some terrorist's bomb, a flash done quick
more preferable than linger, diseased and sick
or maybe the decades old saccharine
that I used to drink will do me in
or a cranial aneurysm, a stroke ungenius
a wikileak bloody, arterial or venous
my cell phone may irradiate my head
and leave me the message that I'm dead
tomorrow something will, I'm sure be found
to insure that I'm no longer around
until then I'll continue on my path
trying to avoid the Angel of Death's wrath
will several billion or so, patient souls
remember that they have little control
so could just one notice, I'm the absentee
and remember something was the death of me
© Goode Guy 2011-05-24
was there ever a time where u didnt know how to feel?
what words to even say or what feelings to conceal?
emotions u didnt want to hold and the things u say are cold
some days its not easy to turn the page
thoughts of being trapped in a cage
scared to even move but eager to run
days u sit there wishing it was done
no this mess aint fun
sitting there wondering if its easier to speak
clawing to get away but ur feeling so weak
off in a corner with complete devastation
words unspoken with no contemplation
hopes and dreams failing to come true
so many things i still have to go through
before i open my heart to the pain
frozen emotions and a cold soul i blame
is this just a mind game?
emotions still trapped and a heart still broken
giving up is an option but not whats spoken
curled up in fetal position on the floor
eyes dried out, puffy and sore
this isnt how i imagined myself to feel inside
but this happy place inside me completely died
i cant seem to find these emotions in me
blinded by confusion i will never see
will i ever know these feelings inside of me??
by taneia j. nelson
Form: