Long Hairdressers Poems
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There's a little town in Ouyen Vic.'' Under 1200 people so
I'll tell you bout aspects; of it sort'a quick!
There's Clarys slate bush etching, in three d real fine.!
And a little hairdressers that comes to mind.?
The conveniance store.' And theres some more.!
Like the old English banknotes found under
Its timber hall floor.' Also Kingdon chickens thats out a bit'
Where I worked a time 'come to think of it?' There
Was that pet Emu..Dang! I've forgot its name?
It would steal your food, just take it plain.' Away
From your hand, on the way to your mouth!!
Maybe thats the reason i left the South? I reckon
I'll get back there one of these days..And lay a
A fresh sandwich upon that old birds grave.!
The truth is that people think I am the best listener in the world.
I have mastered the face and the expressions of the most interested.
I can toss out the best impression of a person who cares.
I am doing it correctly, for waitresses sit down and tell me their story.
I scoot over for waiters, hairdressers and bartenders too.
A few well placed “hms”, “wows” and “oh, mys" make me fast friends.
Most are self-involved, care not if they learn anything about me.
They want my deeply empathetic hazel eyes to pull out their truths.
I am an actress, playing a role, giving them what they need.
Wondering why they are too selfish to ask me anything about me.
I am the world’s most notorious imposter of a listener.
Many times I am on autopilot, not hearing a word they say.
Sadly, they hug me goodbye and tell me how much it means to them.
Once upon a time, as the fable goes
There were us, your dog and my cat
Behind the fences the big outside was
Suggesting the stuff that we used to get
Pharmacies, hospitals, vets, hairdressers
Asda, the Co-op, your long earrings
Your roses and hyacinths, Uniglo dresses
The golden rings on your fingers
Your laughter when you threw your head back
And we drank wine talking about
Everything until we blurred into black
And the dawn was close to come out
Bottles of Lucozade, pods and sensors
Your blood glucose measures and pills
Your vapes, your questions and my answers
The photos you took from Coombe hill
I can't seem to put it into consistency
Into a somewhat coherent narrative
Can’t glue back the broken vase in subsistency
It seems like forever preparative
Here’s the apple tree in the sunset rays
With the apples down on the ground
Once upon a time, as the fable says
There were us, but we can’t be found.
I stood in the middle of a rose garden
I watched nature map out its own pattern
I quietly listened out for the budding
And heard the sound of a bee buzzing
I stood in the middle of a rose garden
I saw withering evened out by blossom
I sought after a floating flutter
I sought after the wings of a flower
What could be missing in this scenic botany?
Aroma and beauty is not the only expectancy
It feels like a beauty parlour without hairdressers
It feels like a sweet flavor without taste-testers
The greeter of the flower buds
The day watch of rosariums
The symbol of a warm welcome
Is in the romance of a butterfly
Daylight misses their soundless claps
Daylight misses their flight
We clipped their colorful flaps
When we killed all the butterflies
Oh bother I look like a badger
and I do not have any hair dye,
But I’ve discovered the perfect product
on its coverage you can always rely
It’s a temporary spray on hair colour
believe me it really is a godsend
as my hairdressers closed cos of covid
and it’s driving me right round the bend!
I shake the can for about 30 seconds
as the mixture’s in need of a mix
then spray it onto my grey parting
my hair’s fixed in a couple of clicks!
If your hair‘s in-between a colour
please take notice of my handy tip
buy a spray on temporary colour
to remove your silver landing strip!
For my sweet on line friend Sundae
05/19/20
Would I change from a girl, and give up all my curls?
Would I quit wearing dresses, stop paying hairdressers?
Change places with him? Be a “he”, not a “she”?
Be a guy? Would I buy it?…For awhile I might try it!
I’d rise in the morning, shave off my stubble
Put on some clothes, no need for much trouble,
No lipsticks, or makeup, no blushes, nor creams.
What should I wear?….Just a shirt that is clean
I would wiggle my toes, discard panty hose!
Buy me some boots, holler and hoot
Own handyman tools, love my Lazyboy throne
Where I'll watch all the games, claim the remote
If I want to be cool, cigars too, I’ll smoke!
I could slurp eating soup,
then burp like a guy, and wear a toupee, unless I go gray!
If there’s gray at my temples, distinguished, ….how simple!!
Instead of Miss Clairol, I'll use a Gillette
Hold in my belly, and puff out my chest
Whistle, and flirt, at young girls in short skirts!
I would eat steak and fries and a big piece of pie!
Not stress over size, of my hips or my thighs!
I won’t drink tea so dainty, out of cups filled half empty
No tantrums or tears, just a beer with the guys!
Start a fight just to try it, get a punch in the eye!
If I pout, they won’t buy it, if the girl in me cries out!
Well, I gave it a whirl…I was a guy in my dreams
A dream that I had? Or a nightmare gone bad?
I’m glad I'm awake..and the switch I WON'T make!!
I woke up as a girl, it's not as bad as it seemed!
(Apologies to all the fine gentlemen out there!)
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People often say now I understand
When they hear that I'm from Paree
Not Gay Paree silly, but redneck
In the heart of Tennessee
I am the newest style of hairdressers
Here to lay out all the facts
I no longer work on the tops of heads
But straight out of the pits
It all happened when I got bored
With the every day to day
Trimming of the head left me feeling dead
That's when it hit me..."Underarm Braid"
That right there was my life saver
That right there was my turn around
If it didn't make me world famous
At least it did on this side of town
Now people come from as far as Nashville
To have their underarms done
I even gave a left and right pit Mohawk
To the Governor's daughter and son
What? Did you think I only braided?
There's so much more that I can do
Just ask the Punk Rock Chick's that wait in line
To have their armpits colored blue
My older clientele have let there hair grow out
Since it is they learned
I'm now specializing in for both women and men
Their favorite sets and perms
So feel the freedom of the pits
That hippie chicks have long since known
Here at Michael's Salon Of Pits
We'll do something special with that growth
** Apologies for anyone unfamiliar with the metaphors used, they're quite British ***
Most people in life work for someone
as all the statistics have shown
but I thought I'd go out and start up by myself
as an entrepreneur, go it alone.
My radio shop called in the receivers,
someone got in and all the stock stole,
so I switched to creating a unique shampoo
but that all went down the plug hole.
I started a wallpaper business
but that quickly went to the wall
My pet grooming venture has gone to the dogs
And my parachute school took a fall.
My submarine business went under,
my brake shoe shop, that hit the skids,
the paper shop folded, boat builder ran aground
but I wasn't surprised when it did.
The detergent idea is all washed up,
and my driving instructor school crashed,
my water filtration is in liquidation
and dustbin cleaning business got trashed.
My hairdressers, that came a cropper,
I thought that would do well the most,
then my skills as a medium,
nobody did need 'em,
and that has now given up the ghost.
My last chance is growing tobacco,
as that should appeal to some folk,
it does sound quite appealing,
but I have a bad feeling
that the whole thing will go up in smoke.
I never voted, anyhow supported, never trusted
Those who rule now
Yet I am claimed responsible
Over the deeds of people I never trusted
And my name is not Josef K.
In the light of the absurdity of what’s happening,
The catastrophe of the rational and the triumphs of the irrational
I have a humble request
To masterminds that manage
The great impersonal AI
Keep the dystopian novels away from it.
For if you let the AI read those books
It can use them as direct instructions
To set the fairiest society on earth
Exactly like you’re doing now
Without AI support, all by yourselves
But with the help of AI
The multiplication of entities will increase,
and Occam's Razor will be a network of hairdressers.
Reduction to the absurd will be norm
Argumentum ad hominem will be considered as the proof of decency
As it actually happens now, but a written law will state it.
City of the Sun will replace the Bible.
There will be no more art, for art will be deemed as a loophole
For those who shirk control over the control of those who control.
The list of forbidden thoughts will be updated daily.
It is my duty to warn.
The rest is entirely at your disposal.
Thank you.