Long Fiver Poems
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A chronological anthology
Of legends, folk lore and mythology
There’s no one called Eric
Or Ethel or Derek
For which I shall make no apology
Samson just got himself sheared
Delilah had cut off his beard
She cut off his hair
Then headed ‘down there’
And cut off far more than he’d feared
The Romans detested Boudicca
She never would be a boot licker
That feared Celtic lass
Stuck a spear up their a.s.s
And that made them march a bit quicker
According to legend and fable
Merlin was slightly unstable
His spell came apart
So ‘a wheel for a cart’
Turned into a bloody great table
In years gone by Lady Godiva
Had no car... she wasn't a driver
No licence of course
But show her a horse
She'd whip off her kit for a fiver
Robin Hood’s men were all merry
They'd guzzled a flagon of Sherry
With Marion pissed
Young Robin got kissed
And then they got all missionary
A fella who’s called Calvin Klein
Is a legend in his own time
Those rich city slickers
Wear Calvin Klein knickers
But wouldn't be seen dead in mine
But stand aside Canute and Midas
For legends still amble beside us
Not witch nor soothsayer
Nor some Dragon slayer
But mortals who get rid of Spiders
Perchance it’s your husband or wife
Who acts without sabre or knife
They might be an Eric
Or Ethel or Derek...
(And might be in fear of their life).
Contest: Your favourite legend
Sponsor: Chantelle Anne Cooke
27 February 2020
Lyrics start 0.05 - timed to the music
Pack your bags dear, there’s a Croc near
And he’s creeping, through the night
With his eye on - on our old stead dear
And it appears - we’re within his sight
You know when that Croc smiles - shows his teeth dear
Concrete jungles start to spread
Whips the grass from right under their feet dear
Scams now filling, each word he’s said
What no scruples you ask, well he ain’t got’em you should know
Seeks locations both, far and wide
Look he’s sneaking - sneaking down the alley
Is there no - place - left to hide
Another Archway, off the highway down the road
Golden handshakes, don’t go the mile
Men in black suits they make it all happen dear
Sanguine red soon, turns into bile
With our kids dear – it’s the buzz 'we gotta go'
Family meeting place, just come on down
Try these milk shakes - they're just like the real thing
And these burgers, the best in town
Bet you a fiver - oh that bun is barely fresh
Kids now falling sick - while their doctors frown
Green backs talking – they don’t give a nickel
Have our bags packed
‘Cause the Croc is
Look out Sneaky Croc is
Sneaky Croc’s back
Back in town
EPILOGUE
Oh these outlets they keep spreading far and wide
In a hurry, they just can’t wait
Food so tasty, don’t you wonder ‘bout it all
No time to ponder it’ll make you late
Good old family name – so familiar dear
Look out folks for, deceit and lies
Another archway - around the corner
Now that Croc is stopping by
Look out OLD Croc is back
Footnote:
On our recent visit to Japan I noticed the proliferation of Fast Food outlets. It is such a pity to see a country that was once so fastidious with their traditionally healthy diets and that of their kids, changing their lifestyle and falling prey to corporate fast food giants. Even the kids are now embracing this way of life.
It’s sad to see traditional food outlets also losing their livelihood as the trend takes over.
Acknowledgement:
My deepest appreciation to Chris Green on agreeing to spare some of his wonderful talent and collaborating with me to bring you this arrangement.
Thank you so much Chris.
Copyright © Maria Williams & Chris Green | 3 June 2017
Deck the Halls
Whacked the guy that stole my money
Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la!
"Jail's the place for you now, sonny,"
Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la!
"Grant you pardon? Kill that notion!"
Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la!
Toss the key now to the ocean
Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la!
Good King Wencelas
Christmas Day has come around
Let's play Dirty Santa
Where your goodwill won't rebound
We'll just go bananas
Be as cheap as we can be
Spend no more than fiver
And I think we all agree
Everyone's a miser
We Wish You A Merry Christmas
A bad girl I've been
Forgive me my sin
Please don't give me charcoal
For the gift swap this year
Merrick Brigs worked at Caldwell’s ranch,
offering two-week excursions by horse,
up in the Rockies they’d ride and camp,
suburban cowboys loved it, of course.
One summer day he got a new rider,
so he saddled Sundown, and High Fiver,
his best two mustangs in the corral,
in horses you could not as for more.
A car pulled up and out of it stepped
a raven-haired beauty sublime,
Merrick stopped dead in his tracks,
his words he was trying to find.
She said,”Hi. My name’s Clarice,
I think you’ve got a horse for me?”
Merrick stammered,”Y-yes, I do.
Are you ready for a good time?”
She just gave him a knowing smirk,
and poor Merrick felt his heart race,
the packed up all their camping gear,
and towards the mountains made their way,
he found himself falling back
to watch Clarice ride the track,
the way her hips moved captured him,
a sensuous and rhythmic sway…
That night they camped by a small lake,
high up in a mountain defile,
after a dinner cooked by fireside,
they stayed up to talk a while.
Clarice said, looking up at the stars,
“I’ve heard the you cowboys are
the sort who do a woman right
when she’s looking to get a bit wild.”
The look on her face left no doubt
and they stumbled down to the tend,
ripping of their clothes frantically,
dropping them to the ground as they went.
Both the earth and tent did shake,
right up until the morning’s break,
she was as wild as she proclaimed,
Merrick called her his godsend.
Needless to say, for the next two weeks,
they rode the mountains and made love,
in every possible place and position,
neither seemed able to get enough.
So distracted by lusty travails
that they only traveled half the trail!
Not that either of the two
minded falling short all that much...
CONCLUDES IN PART II.
My Two Cars
The end of the week
I feel weak and meek
I struggle to survive
Burdened, wish I could die
Christmas is near
I am in fear
With only eight fifty left after rent
Never more wisely have I been forced and spent
The dollar store
There they were
Two hot wheels cars and only one dollar each
One more dollar for wrapping, and a fiver left for food
My eyes laden with sadness
The future looked bleak
As I hugged little Adam
Daycare over, I took him from the Madame
Now with five dollars, in my purse
I bought some Mac and cheese
A candy and apple
Some juice and small snacks
On Christmas I woke
My son at my bed
Santa came he shouted, “momma”, he really came!!
So up we went peeking under the tree
Two Hot wheel cars wrapped neat as could be
He unwrapped them with smiles
He shouted with glee
Santa got all this just for me!!!
I know nothing of Cars
A single mum in struggles
When I saw my boys’ eyes light up
Tears began to bubble
Appleby is my destination.
My SatNav shows me the shortest route,
just ten miles is its estimation,
consulting the map I wouldn't dispute.
Black text on yellow, I spot a sign:
THE ROAD AHEAD IS CLOSED FOR 3 DAYS
LOCAL ACCESS ONLY – now that's a bind.
The DIVERSION signed will cause me delays.
Should I chance it and hope I'll get through.
I'm guessing the work hasn't begun
though maybe the sign will prove to be true;
or perhaps the work's already been done.
Ahead I proceed to see how this plays
but round a bend I come to halt.
the pole they're planting overhead sways.
Struggling to turn having been brought up short
I reverse on this single track road
back to a gate where I sink in the mud.
Deep inside I feel something implode
my hasty choice has been rudely snubbed.
Once Ive completed a six point turn,
the car with mud and dung is splattered.
So back to that junction I return,
my trust in the signage now shattered.
Grudgingly I follow the arrow
then squeezing past a car that's obese
on a road that is far too narrow.
I'm in danger of breaching the peace
as the wing mirror catches and breaks.
Arriving at the top of a brow
I'm confronted by a sign that makes
no sense, leaving me perplexed as to how
to read DIVERSION ENDS. Where next to go?
– Appleby beckons but I'm feeling lost.
As I notice the fuel's running low
so I mutter at the extra cost.
And the insurance with an excess clause,
means the mirror won't be worth a claim.
At last I reach a junction and pause –
Appleby's sign points back whence I came.
I turn to the left and after a mile
left once more to approach the Fair.
Finding somewhere to park takes a while,
with last year a fine I need to beware.
A man flags me down. Is he a farmer?
No. “Can you give me a lift to the Fair?”
Into my hand he presses a fiver
my mood now brightened, I this with you share.
...The last day they rode slowly back,
still giving each other naughty looks,
a love affairs go, theirs was intense,
truly one for the record books.
Merrick hesitated to leave her side,
then Clarice looked him in the eye,
said,”I have something I have to say
before we bid farewell for good.”
“I know you probably think that we
could be a truly wonderful thing.
Much as I wish this could go on,
I know what the future brings.
I must return to responsibilities,
but thank you for making this fantasy…”
With that she reached into her coat,
and slipped on a wedding ring.
She kissed him softly on the cheek,
then drove away rather quickly.
Merrick’s mind reeled from it all,
left him feeling unsteady and sickly,
But he had a week off ahead,
and spent most of it brooding in bed,
when not sleeping he was at the bar,
sitting silent, and acting quite prickly.
But Merrick had to pay the bills,
so he pulled himself out of his slump,
went into the ranch for another tour,
hoping none would see his blue funk.
Boss said,”Got another requesting you,
paid in advanced for weeks one and two.
Show her the sights, nothing to it,
I tell you, this one’s a slam dunk!”
Merrick wasn’t really feeling it,
but he kept that to himself,
he saddled up Sun Down and High Fiver,
preparing for a two-week spell.
The job was the job, he had to go,
even if his movements were slow,
perhaps it wouldn’t be that bad,
he supposed only time would tell.
A car pulled up and out of it stepped
a platinum-haired beauty sublime,
Merrick stopped dead in his tracks,
his words he was trying to find.
She said,”Hi. My name’s Dani,
I hear you’ve got a horse for me?”
Merrick stammed,”Y-yes, I do.
Are you ready for a good time…”
she had a fiver in her pocket
but couldn’t flip it, like in days of old
then
without those satin liners
a hole seized what little she had
and
she leaned over to find a useless penny
engraved with Abe Lincoln’s head
cut off
from making anything at all
happen in this tough life
still
she read of someone who had
spun straw into gold
must
she give up her firstborn
to a chump like Rumplestiltskin
will
money make her a monster
is that what she’s really after
then
she slips on a banana peel
no it was her crisp fiver
which
she slips into a poor man’s hand
he accepts without regrets
and
takes her hand in marriage
he turned out to be rich after all
where
would she be, if she had
listened to the beast