Long Dern Poems

Brody McGregor, who’d all of us fig’red fer single, come struttin’ into the pub, 
all slickered up like a man fit to bury…an’ fairly well knowed fer ‘is smile -
Strolled to the bar like a...

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When strollin' by the ol' saloon,
on chairs they kept outside,
I spied a dried up, lonsome sort
folks walked by, but eyed.

He had a faithful doggie
with head laid on his knee.
The ol' man stroked him softly, 
kind,...

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Now, ol’ Twister Tom he was quite a cowboy find—
A real rock hard cowpoke, though the question begged—
Some say that he was a legend in his own mind,
He’d a been six foot six if he...

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Ol’ Prickly was dead, shot down with hot lead, and all of his friends did grieve—
But so it now seems, they fell for his schemes – he owned money before he did leave.
“In that dern...

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Ben raised up a dern disappointment, Daddy, well, he wanted a boy.
Wasn’t nothing under the bleeding red sun Ma could do but keep on a tryin’
Ya’siree, she was one branded filly and dern iffin that...

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There was a rumor that I heared ‘bout Pete
Goin’ and committin’ matrimony—
But that’s likely as ol’ Scratch getting’ beat,
And who said it is full of baloney!

But John-Bob done says he was the best man
And shore...

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Cnt think ov anythng other than u
cnt stop smiln whn yo name z talkd ov
uve managed to get thru me ,all wories turnd of
u hve cleand dat melancholy on ma mind
mde m show u, parts...

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With the hot summer sun beating down,
leaving blisters on our necks and back.
Walking through those swift murky currents,
just you‘n me, and a gunny sack.

Dipping our heads below the surface,
searching for a fish’s hidden den.
With nimble...

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Just because there was a limited access to truth
Does not mean there was an interruption declaring my love for you
I have had all the opportunity in the world to express myself
Self just got in the...

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Ya know whuuut?
E’en when Iiiii’m dawunk
I aam steel a gud po’et,
An if this dern puter 
keybroad wud stop
mov’n in curcles, 
I cud e’en show it.

In…in…intoxication
dun mmm’pair me none;
I’ll jest show you
how dis is done.

Ware’s my...

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“Things ain’t the way they used to be,”
The old cowboy sadly said.
“Herds stretched as far as you could see
Some two or three thousand head!

“There was a time your word was good,
Only your handshake would do—
Now...

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You know you been too long at life’s ol’ rodeo,
When them jeans get too tight and that ol’ paunch does grow—
And then your teeth fall out instead of bein’ knocked
And you pay entry fees with...

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When the mortgage comes due
And you ain’t got a dime
And the new calf turns blue
As you’re wipin’ ‘way slime…

And the pond’s all dried up
From this dang five-year drought,
And your dog had twelve pups
While your wife’s...

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It seems the Old West and America
Are two of the many things we must save—
All these changes are coming much too fast—
Big John Wayne must be turning in his grave.

They’ve done and made cowboys an...

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Why is sweetness a target for the buggiest frights?
Sweets do attract the sweet but
honey can come with a sting.
You see, the dern ants are in the honey jar
so I had to throw out the thing!

Why...

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Come Dance


"Come dance with me", she said and smiled
And he fell off his chair.
He blushed and rose and all the while
He couldn't help but stare.

Prettiest thing he'd ever saw
Was askin' him to dance.
If he could...

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He's the last of the suburban cowboys
At the end of the cul-de-sac.
Oh, he may still have that Western Channel
To bring his memories right back--
But those days of Roy Rogers and Trigger,
They're now just fading to...

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T hey’d aughta not called nookie
H eaven’s blessed cookie...
E ither burd or bee, cause neither's a lookie! 

B urds well der feathered, not like me?
I n da interest of clarity, I’m certainly NO bee?
R obins...

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Alice had many friends, seems quite a few others 
have fallen down the rabbit's hole.
Janet appears often at the foot of the mushroom arguing with the Caterpillar.
Rubbing her legs tired from dream running, 
"Dern nightmare's...

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When long johns get religion
And you’re fallin’ out the door—
And bowels just move a smidgeon
When they need to move much more—

Then ol’ north winds come knockin’
And it’s then that you sure know—
If relief don’t come...

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Not all them ol’ time cowpokes
Wore them tight blue jeans, of course—
Most wore hot ol’ striped dress pants
Of thick cotton that was coarse.

It was Levi that came ‘round
To cover up our backside—
So we didn’t bust...

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There’s been a lot of speculatin’
‘Bout the cologne some cowboys wear,
And the toothpaste and the sweet mouthwash
And the way he combs his long hair!

I’s here to clear up the confusion
‘Bout these gallant ol’ equine gents—
And...

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I’m just a used-to-be cowboy
With one boot in the ol’ cow pie—
I used to be quite the young gent;
Now I just wait around to die.

Oh, you know you’re getting’ dern old
When your knees creak like...

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There are dude’s questions in this world
That gives a cowboy a fit—
Like why is he missin’ digits?
Or what makes a cowboy spit!?

And there are those tender subjects
He just don’t care for a whit—
Those dern aggravatin’...

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This redneck is fixin' to go dancin'
You reckon we get gussied up and go?
I'll be a high flutin' and a prancin'
Is the honky-tonk puttin' on a show?

Shall I wear my fanciest clod hoppers?
Shall I phone...

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