Long Back against the wall Poems
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The world doesn’t want me—
I feel it in the spaces between words,
in the rooms that fall silent when I enter,
in the way their eyes cut through me, sharp and indifferent.
I exist like an echo no one listens for,
a presence only ever tolerated,
never embraced.
They laugh like glass shattering,
pointing fingers dipped in poison,
whispering daggers into my skin.
I hear them, I hear them… I hear them.
The boys say my body takes up too much space,
as if my skin was never mine to begin with,
as if I should shrink into something softer, smaller, unseen.
The girls look at me like a wound that refuses to close,
a thing to be pitied, or worse—ignored.
And my friends—
God, my friends.
They don’t feel like friends anymore.
They feel like hands reaching, pulling, taking,
and I give and I give and I give,
until my ribs are hollow, my soul threadbare.
But when I need, when I break, when I fall—
there is nothing but the sound of my own breathing,
ragged and lonely.
I am so tired.
Tired of searching for warmth in a world made of ice,
tired of running when there is nowhere left to go.
I used to love the game, the sound of the ball on the court,
I used to think my feet belonged there.
But I stumble now, hands grasping for something solid,
and all I find is the weight of failure pressing against my chest.
So tell me—
what do you do when the things that made you feel alive
become the things that remind you you’re not?
The world doesn’t want me,
so I press my back against the wall,
trying to disappear into the paint.
But I am still here, still breathing,
whether they want me or not.
Whether I want it, or not.
Sitting here.
Without fear.
Looking about me.
Feeling blessed for all I see.
Stood tall.
Even with my back against the wall.
Sometimes I did fall.
Decided.
Confided.
Laid my soul to bare.
Up to you to be fair.
Chose not to hate.
It is never too late.
To change that fate.
Life is such a gift.
Use yours to give others a lift .
Choose kind words to say.
Be a sign and point the way.
Kind words may save the day.
In the darkness be the light.
Is fighting each other worth being right?
Losing a friend.
A love to end.
Don't think so.
This I know.
Better to have them around.
Where love can be found.
Where hope is bound.
A willingness to give.
This is how we should choose to live.
The love i wish to show
To help it grow.
For all to know.
It was dusty, dry and endless
Stretched beneath an empty sky
From horizon to horizon
Where the turkey buzzards fly,
Like a landscape meant to warn you
Just how far a man can fall.
Except for Ruby in El Paso,
Hell, it weren’t worth Texas at all.
Took a powder in Fort Stockton.
Crossed the Pecos makin’ time.
San Antone gave way to Austin
On the Travis County line.
Shot a rattlesnake in Waco
With my back against the wall.
Except for Bobbi-Jo in Beaumont,
Hell, it weren’t worth Texas at all.
I’ve seen Lubbock and Laredo,
Seen Odessa/Midland, too.
Met a sweet young thing in Brownsville,
Just another déjà vu.
Didn’t tell her I was leaving,
But I promised her I’d call.
Except for Emmylou in Houston,
Hell, it weren’t worth Texas at all.
Learned to do the Stockdale two-step
In the local Lone Star style.
Danced a Galveston fandango
With a Corpus Christi smile.
Set a sucker up in Dallas,
But my partner dropped the ball.
Except for Jill in Amarillo,
Hell, it weren’t worth Texas at all.
Facing life the best I can , standing tall
Got my back against the wall
But here I stand
Holding the dead man's hand
Dancing to the devils band
Six guns blazing
Bullets grazing
Maybe my last fight
And I'll probably die tonight
But untill then got you in my sight
Holding the dead man's hand
Dancing to the devils band
But I won't go down
May be my last trip to town
Riding the outlaw way
May end today
Boots on mind clear
Forgot what it is to Fear
Or hold someone dear
Lost to all I see
Dancing to the devils band
Saw I held the dead man's hand
As I lay dying
I thought I heard crying
Angels crying for those Holding the dead man's hand
Time stands still
My body pays the bill
Lost to tomorrow
Beyond the sorrow
Long as your Holding the dead man's hand
You'll be Dancing to the devils band
Great grace
Broken home broken heart
Family life just fell apart
Mother tried and did her best
Father took off failed the test
She an only child bullied at school
Battled embittered couldn’t follow a rule
She turned to drugs a way of escape
Lying in the gutter mouth agape
Needed grace
Eight months pregnant lying in the rain
The agony hitting her again and again
How did I get here who am I broken and torn
Emotions run deep the shame the scorn
Alone and afraid the answer was clear
End it end it all right now right here
Enters grace
Excruciating pain a feeble but gut wrenching shout
Then alone and with child she passed out
Somebody maybe an angel saw her lying there
Pitiful only a young girl desperately needing care
Paramedics came what an amazing statement
Mother alive baby born crying on a pavement
How many of us experienced this back against the wall
No way out considered maybe even decided, end it all
Sufficient grace
Note from the author. This story is based on fact.
Devil came calling on me late that night.
I wasn’t ready to put up a fight.
Searching, I looked up and down, far and wide,
Trying to find a safe place I could hide.
Devil came calling and he knew my name.
My ev’ry weakness and all of my shame.
He teasingly whispered right in my ear
While I could just stand there, frozen in fear.
Tell me! Now tell me what was I to do?
I am standing up only to fall!
Tell me, my Lord! Tell me just where are You
When the devil is coming to call?
‘Twas nowhere near dawn and I heard the sound
And I knew he was still slinking around.
I covered my eyes so I would not see.
Still, I could feel him burn, right next to me.
I felt each word in my heart and my head
As I lay shivering cold in my bed.
I saw no stars, ‘twas no light from the moon.
I knew that he would be taking me soon.
Tell me! Now tell me, where was I to go?
For he has my back against the wall!
Tell me, my Lord! Tell me, I sure don’t know,
When the devil is coming to call?
Devil came calling… Was it but a dream?
Frozen in bed, I could not even scream.
Never before was I so close to death.
I heard his dread voice. I smelled his foul breath.
Devil came calling… Would he ever leave?
Could I escape from the webs he would weave?
I prayed so hard for the coming of dawn
When all of my fears at last would be gone.
Tell me! Now tell me, Lord, for goodness sake!
I am feeling alone and so small!
Tell me, my Lord! Tell me what choice to make
When the devil is coming to call?
Tell me what's good
because it damn sure ain't me
I'm broke, jobs ain't hiring my souls crying
thinking I ain't gone make it
thinking GOD overlooked me when he handed down his graces
I'm just thinking if I die now
I won't get in Heaven later.
Life is what you make it, right? wrong!
At least i don't think so.
Last night I saw myself in a dream
wit a whole in my chest
it was kinda hard to swallow
that I was a bloody mess
there I was a bed full of sweat
and a face full of tears
thinking damn, was GOD punishing me
for the sins I committed over the years.
Question? How do I cope with all this?
Maybe wit hydro and malt liquor
pouring it out for all my innocent niggas
you know the niggas that's doing time for
crimes they didn't do
and the peoples testified against them
I'm telling you that stop snitching is true.
But if you live by the gun you die by the bullet
you die soon as that trigga happy nigga
behind it that pull it
Life's a grimmy chick she's doing everbody raw
riding this nigga deep throating him,
while she's playing wit the next mans balls.
She a dirty broad either she on her back
or got my back against the wall.
What's good in this world, not a thing
that is until I see the King of Kings.
Sorry if I offend
With the words I bend
I wont pretend
To be bothered by your hate
Not my fate
Go ahead and walk right on by ....I won't cry.....
Though I cant denie
Thoughts in my head
Fill me with dread
People want to play
But never stay
Just walk away
Say they love you
Then leave you blue
.....Stand tall....
You done took the fall
Back against the wall
Sun so bright
Getting lost in its light
Dont really wish to fight
.....such a delight..
To see a true soul
Thinking that's my goal
Stuck in the rain
Masking the pain
What did i gain
....some restrain...
Untainted
Unpainted
Don't have to be a saint
I promise not to faint
Just be real
A heart that can feel
I'll take that deal
Doing Time is not easy but it's something that I gotta do/
Survival of the fittest so this how I gotta move/
I'm not the strongest so I got a lot to lose/
Pound for pound round for round I got a lot to prove/
Every night I go to sleep paranoid and schizophrenic/
In my prison cell feeling like they're trying to get me/
So I sleep with one eye open and a shiv in my mattress/
Can't let them catch me off guard tweaking like an addict/
I can't enjoy my yard with other people playing ball/
I gotta watch my back so my back against the wall/
My hand on my shiv alert 24/7/
Can't even trust my own kind or anyone for that matter/
Everybody gangbanging trying to earn a few strips/
I refuse to be a victim so I'm playing with my knife/
Survive by any means is the only thing on my mind/
Fighting through these dark days waiting on the Sunshine/
Doing what I gotta do just to get by/
But I won't be a punk so it's respect me or die/
I got years to go but you know how that go/
If somebody cross the line they have to add more/
I know the game and how it go, when they think you a punk/
Try to bait you in with funny talk to make you a punk/
Or call you out to fight just to see if you'll do it/
If they do, you better fight for your life or get ruined/
I don't care if you're 4' 2" and they're six eight/
You better grab a weapon be ready to bang/
Let the whole unit know you stand as a man/
You gotta build your reputation of not caring/
So the next dude thinking he tough will give up/
Your best bet, is to mind your own business/
Because if you do anything they'll find a witness/
The game is not the same cuz they'll add fifty years/
They're playing dirty games and they'll lie to get it/
Don't try to kick it, just do your time/
But if it's going down, make them respect your mind/
I'm so unfit for this, there's still so much in
me thats unfinished
I need to replinish catch me @ the brook
I dehyrated myself
With my lack of selflessness
So its evident what I'm developing
My battles with sin flesh & the devil got me weary
So I enslaved myself in the prism
Isolated myself from you sometimes
When you win you're really losing
And I lost most of me in the process
Solitary confinement with no lock pick
What I sinned and hurt God most with I cut it off
Count it as loss, my back against the wall
Standing tall to this giant I'm trying to slay
But like him I have no power...unless I learn
To be obedient and obey so in the end
Who really gets slain