Long Awkwardness Poems
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Ghostly frail figure,
that I am now,
neath nebulous moon,
where I shed tears,
on brambled verge,
as thin bones quake,
emaciated earthly being,
whose nocturnal solace,
bereft of suave signage,
with a deathly sickness,
icily immune to healing,
taut threadbare skeletons,
prone to clinical diagnosis,
never fugitive in closet,
nor courtroom strict sanction,
cordoned off camera setting,
where splurge of guilty scruple,
in atonement an utter ruse,
yet musings mercurial lurk,
as the net of darkness threatens,
indignant isolate me stranded,
whilst casting mirrorlike,
reflections shed under veil,
of midnight mosaic,
on my mishap strewn life,
due to brittle bony,
fragmented awkwardness,
that wreaked wild havoc,
with long term intimate bonds,
commonly entailing excess,
swing by to overflowing wards,
I eschew self-pity, period,
so vain and vacuous,
alien and anathema,
barren rattle cerebral
sqeamish stream of,
inlaid tract,
rumination razor-sharp,
from emaciated mortal,
whose stealthy lurch,
is frame vulnerable,
torrid touchstone,
as skeleton key,
gaining ingress to,
stubborn locked doors,
syndrome blight,
hailed as,
lean skinny shell,
resignation rare,
stoic coexistence,
copper-fastens
I met her at a place I dine
along a lonesome road
I tried to think of a pick-up line
I went into clever mode.
But they've taken all the pick-up lines
I didn't want to offend a date
Should I buy her, her choice of wines?
I spent ten minutes in that debate.
Then I asked her if her name was Google, because she was what I was searching for
She said, "I heard that one, it makes me snore."
I said, "how was heaven when you left it?" she said "they've tried that one too:
Why don't you get lost and leave me to my brew."
I could not give up, her beauty gave me a thrill
I tried a different tack, showed a thousand-dollar bill
I said, "how can I plan our wedding if I don't even have your number?"
Her eyes flashed; she picked up a piece of lumber.
the bartender saw me plead
He came forward to intercede
She said "he's hitting on me, but lumber can hit too:
And as for this bar, I could sue."
So I left her in the bar
I felt so sad and old
With the wrong line you can't get far
I guess I had to fold
So I married Mary Lou instead
Though she watches reruns of "Daffy Duck."
Better to take what you can get
it's not always smart to push your luck.
I must be the last fellow
dedicated to a platonic love,
that makes me dream
while life flees
and just disappears
into the shadows of the evening:
forgetting that life
exists because of love...
These walls of cold stone,
suffocate me in a space
where my freedom
is an erring clone:
it will be summoned by self-esteem,
to let it lie there and die in scattered pieces...
Still treasured letters, unyellowed by light,
with a name which meant a trust so imposing
has lost its preciuos meaning;
a big heart drawn in red,decorated by roses
that weren't given for the passionate cause:
is as imperceptible as hypocrisy,
but the sweetened air,that my nostrils breath,
is confined by an hysterical guilt
and an insignificant fight
struggling with an unseen enemy...
I must be the last lover
of this remakable century,
whose eyes resent
the shallowness
and awkwardness of reality
when faced by the rudest reality,
while my perturbing questions
demand an answer
and compell me to persist:
forgetting that life exists
because of love...
When we are aged in body and mind,
most of us hurriedly close each window
wide open to Nature thinking of our end;
we feel cold and shiver 'though it's not winter yet,
will it come soon come and wound us with a sharp arrow?
Ah, we are helpless and feeble souls that fall to defeat!
A menace is a horrible threat if not a warning,
when we perceive it: does it awake all senses in disarray?
Can we hear strange and muffled voices from far away?
It's murmurs that mourn the cursed isolation
despising the awkwardness of old age to convey
the absurdity and behavior of their unfounded thinking:
who surrenders to fate and despairs, widens desolation
and accepts what is offered without hope for consolation!
And now we aren't able to hide inside
the constant fear that makes us tremble and display
anger when the hurricane devastates all in its way,
and staring at a minacious sky without light,
we don' ask for a truce and start dreaming after a while,
letting all escape to a distant realm of delight!
Woe to all who seek a solitude gloomier
than a dark horizon: it's unconceivable folly
believing that death is unexpectedly imminent!
Woe to all, don't wipe off tears without a cry;
we shouldn't be overwhelmed by doubt,
or any other thought entering our ear:
it's completely absurd to accept fright!
Bassoon's over eagerness often
made it's social awkwardness
more awareable
aloofness or disinterest, often
lacking eye contact
fidgeting, or over-monitoring
their own behavior the cantars
mindfulness to stay present
approaches designed to make
interactions feel more comfortable
and natural.
Being the "fifth wheel in your own relationship"
typically means feeling like an unnecessary,
third-party addition rather than an equal partner
This often happens due to a power imbalance,
emotional disconnect, or when an outside third
party seeking or a power play
. When somesong or some songs
deliberately puts themselves
in appealing or high-attention environments
to manipulate others into thinking
they are highly desired.
Stage Fright
This has been a long Sunday it started off with two toasts with cheese and the glucose rose to stratospheric, insulin is needed where the heck
Is the bloody needle, mlg if you please followed by a thundering heart and unwanted anxiety, I have tried to overcome for over 60 years
In my younger days, I tried to overcome my nerves by drinking whisky as a calmer which made me annoyed with anxiety-riddled myself
My wish was and still is to be a brave person, who is able to express himself with confidence But, no deal baby, I ended up alone in a room
It is not like I don’t know what caused my total lack of confidence, our dysfunctional family was poor and I was literary farmed out
I was fourteen years old when I was set free to get a job as an errand boy in an office of nice people, who made me feel loved and wanted
Somehow, despite my nervous hands and clumsy manners, I was able to get an education, which was well-paid, in the Norwegian merchant navy
Later in life, I was in the café trade both in Britain and in Norway a business one has to be social and I had the hope to be cured of awkwardness
Finally, I sold out and went to live in Portugal where I bought a ruined house, fixed it up, and for years lived alone with a dog as companion
My dog died, and my aloneness became ghostly until I met a woman and my life changed, but my nervousness didn’t, but it didn’t bother her
I look back on my life and ask how the hell, did I managed this, with a lump of fear in my stomach nervous hands, and a lack of self-confidence
The house on the prairie is sold, and my rustic dream is over, what the hell man, stop worrying about where to live tomorrow
As I sit in my chair, I stretch and feel, without hesitation pleased with myself, a voice utters, you are a jerk, now, take Elon Musk……
I'm noticing
you're not noticing
I'm starting to look for
what you've already heard
with anticipation
overpowering my internal anxious voice
with calm
and kind compassion
When Other disharmonious human voices
speak of win/win choices
Or sing
a right-handed dance
within my balanced EarthTribal range
of listening
for sacred silent choice.
I become
my still-maturing surprise,
replacing my "Other" anxiety,
awkwardness
disappointment
About unfocused AnthroVoice insecurities
in suffering Other's compassion,
insufferable curiosity,
predative empathic touching,
yet igniting mellow multicultural waves
of resonant pastel sound,
resilient brilliant sight
And these in-between times
silent solitude sacred rests
between transparent syncopations
of impatient human sounds,
inhumane frowns
Not interacting with same room
or screen-time voices,
thoughts
verb-tainted feelings,
These soulful un-nouned bests
have, until recently,
invited anxious boredom,
apathy,
depression,
aching loneliness,
emotional apartheid,
While now
in this human sound silence
of co-redemption
I absently reach out
for deeply exploring
sounds of Simon's silence.
Negative and positive felt voices
provoking newly found choices
liberty of equanimity,
good humored curiosity about anxiety
stress
trauma triggers
Cooperatively reaching
for anticipating
future eco/ego therapy
indigenous healing
wisdom securing
conserving liberating
internal/external co-passions,
Smiles
and frowns,
ups
and downs,'
transcendent lights
and immanent powers,
remembered lives
projected loves
for capitalized risks
minimized by win/win nutritional opportunities
for nurturing silent
calm and kind
time outside/inside co-invested bliss.
I try not to give it much thought
But chances are soon enough one of us will be gone
And probably not the same time
Funny how people are selfish when it comes to dying
Where mostly we go it alone
Most often without even knowing
Spending each day on the edge of the cliff
Waiting till we step off of it
Is it that we're afraid of goodbyes
Not wanting to spend too much time
Leaving the awkwardness of it
On the backs of the living who are better equipped
And when we arrive on that fateful day
I hope I'm the first to go out with a bang
I couldn't imagine being left behind
It wouldn't be life without you by my side
So do me this one small favor
Please stick around till I'm no longer here
I try not to give it much thought
But chances are soon enough one of us will be gone
He lights up the places in my soul
Where I need to shine, to smile, to grow
He fills me up with kindness, joy and peace
He reminds me that my light is something
Only He can stir up inside of me – filling me,
Inviting me to shine like the brightest Son…
He silences my fears, my awkwardness, my doubts
Colors me in hopefulness, inspiration, wonder
He awakens my heart’s best dreams, all the feelings
The longings and gentleness, filling my soul
With a knowing that He is always available,
Always willing to listen to my prayers, my desires
All the things that make me who I am…
He erases the worries that bring me such apprehension,
The dread and the despair, the depression that doesn’t
Care if it destroys my dreams, burdens me with uneasiness,
Wipes away the serenity, the pleasure that comes alive
Inside me when I feel my dreams turning into a reality
He walked across my spirit with a tenderness
That left me feeling so loved, so cherished, so adored
Only the grace that inspired me to praise
Left my lips and fell at His feet, where I pray – I pray
He sees the worship that I have given, the worship that
Is His, the Creator, the most amazing Savior…
The One who gave me hope when I was hopeless
The One who gave me joy when I was desolate
The One who gave me light when I was living in the dark
The One who gave me faith when I was skeptical
The One who gave me love when I was unlovable
Thanks to Him, I know what it means to give with an open heart,
With a love that is alive, a love that lives inside, a love that promises me
He is always there, always aware, always shining hope through me,
Lifting me from the past shame, pouring down joy – removing the pain,
Assuring me that, with Him – there is a way through anything,
A second chance, a burning favor, a belief in love that can’t be measured.
Thanks to Him, the love He gives.. I will always be blessed by my Savior!
I.
Carter Gray was a retired marine,
who’d done two tours in Afghanistan,
discharged at thirty, he moved to Utah
to raise cattle on a big spread of land.
He’d worked dawn to dusk every day
for two years to make it thrive,
when the money came in, he struck it big,
‘organic beef’ commanded prices quite high.
One day in town at his favorite place,
an Italian restaurant with great chicken parm,
he caught the eye of a pretty waitress
when by accident he brushed her arm.
She had olive skin and raven-dark hair,
soft, brown eyes full of deep mystery,
“Sepidah,” was the name on her sweet lips,
when Carter asked who she might be.
The next time he went out on the town,
this lovely woman was upon his arm,
they talked all night, with no awkwardness,
he was hopelessly lost to her charms.
This went on for weeks, until on spring day,
Carter dropped to his knee with a ring,
Sepidah smiled, said,”I want to say yes,
but before we do, you must know something.
“See I was born far away in Tehran,
but was raised here, eighteen years a Muslim.
when I dated a boy not of my faith
my life turned to the brutal and grim.
“My father Selim and one of my brothers
thought that I’d brought the family disgrace.
They found me one day walking with John,
and stuck a loaded pistol in my face.
“John jumped in front, he died for me,
bought me the time to run away.
My brother, the shooter, was given life,
but for lesser charges is my father’s stay.
“He has sworn that he will never rest
until he’s made me ‘pay fore my crime,’
And he’s already proven that he’ll go after
any poor boyfriend of love of mine.
“To make things worse, he doesn’t know
about how afterwards I changed my faith,
For his Christian daughter he’ll be enraged,
True Believers must kill apostates.”
To make the point she motioned to
the pistol she carried in her purse.
He nodded and said,”I didn’t know,
but to be honest, I have fought worse.
“And I won’t give up the love of my life
because her dad’s a damned extremist,
to do that would be a surrender to
the designs of a damned terrorist.”
So he put the ring upon her,
to marry her would be his honor.
CONTINUES IN PART II.