OLD AGE
My hair has turned gray,
My hips lost their sway,
And my knees have started to creak.
I`ve got corns and bunions,
My arches have fallen,
And my bladder has started to leak.
I`ve got glasses too,
Keep around pairs, a few,
`Cause I can`t always find them, you see.
It`s a must needs to keep them,
`Cause if I can`t find them,
I can`t see to put in my teeth.
My knees are both achin`,
And that has been makin`,
My back hurt clear up to my head.
My youth is gone too, Dear,
But old age I don`t fear,
I`d rather be old than be dead.
So keep on a-smilin`,
And keep on defyin`,
The Grim Reaper long as you can.
I`m goin`full tilt,
Until I get kilt,
Or die from old age, that`s my plan.
Judy Ball
Not Afraid To Have Fun
By Elton Camp
Although he’s an old man with money,
This man enjoys life and acting funny
You can tell by his delighted smile
He hasn’t forgotten the joys of a child
In his mansion, he has an elegant staircase,
But alongside it, a slide he also had placed
And down the smooth chute he will slip
And he does reach the floor in only a zip
If a sourpuss frowns with criticism implied
As if one of his status should act dignified,
Because he’s old and rich, what does he care?
He’s earned the right to fun anytime, anywhere
I’m All Ears
By Elton Camp
When we become adults, most growth will cease
There’re places that continue their size to increase
The lens of the eye, bigger and bigger will it get
In middle age there’s no longer any focusing of it
To read fine print, farther and father we hold it away
No use, we will be forced to wear glasses some day
The nose is another body part that continues to grow
When old enough, we say, “Oh, if only that wasn’t so.”
Another place that will gradually grow bigger, I fear
Is the flap of the ear, which will bring to us no cheer
While even normal sized ears look quite bad enough,
Having them become huge when we’re old is tough
And while it is sad, but true, the belly may grow too
But unlike the other three, if it happens is up to you
Why Not Throw Them Away?
By Elton Camp
I wonder just what quirk in our psyches it’s about
That we have such a problem throwing things out
Musty old books that we will never read anymore
Dirty old curtains that hung on the window before
Faded, stored-away dresses from you were size ten
Since you know full well you can never wear again
A figurine all covered in chips and with a bad crack
One that the least styling sense does so utterly lack
Slick-back magazines that may look to be so fine,
But long ago to the trash can we needed to consign
Broken appliances that aren’t worth the cost of repair
Yet, for years to come they will continue to be there
Back to the Eye Foundation Hospital
By Elton Camp
It’s great to be able to see much better now
The surgeon replaced my old lenses somehow
Now, sagging eyelids, like lots of ugly old men
Are causing me to need to go there today again
Drooping eyelids the visual field overrides
And you can’t see to the top or the sides
The final results are likely to look okay
But ugly, black stitches will the work betray
My wife looked like the “Bride of Frankenstein,”
The time to look so scary has come to be mine
But so that little children I won’t have to scare,
I have some black glasses that I plan to wear
Drunk as a Dog
By Elton Camp
Some similes don’t make much sense at all
Like the intoxicated, “drunk as a dog” to call
“Drunk as a skunk” is also heard all the time
But I figure that is because of the nice rhyme
A dog I’ve never once seen shop a whiskey store
Likewise, one has never entered a saloon before
Anyone ever seen a dog with a six-pack of beer?
We sure don’t have anything like that around here
Our old hound dogs all seem to get along just fine
Without a slug of whiskey or even a sip of wine
The dogs might well say it’s unfair to compare
Them to the swaggering bipeds with so little hair
But it might be well to keep old Brutus on a chain
So that “sober as a judge,” your dog does remain
It isn’t likely that he’d be accepted at the local AA
And I never have heard of any groups called DDA
~Ann and Andy Drogynous~
(sung to the tune of ‘Mister and Mississippi’)
She would wear a pantsuit
He wore a pink beret
Ann and Andy Drogynous
Had a neuter way.
I’d love to have their bathroom
My odor would improve
Their towels could be hanging
As paintings at the Louvre.
Oh, he would do the ironing,
Her hair does need a comb.
Ann and Andy Drogynous
Re-modeled my old home.
Until I heard them talking
I thought that he was she
Ann and Andy Drogynous
Sang alto with a glee.
He’ll be watching ‘Housewifes’
While she field dresses deer
He’ll be eating tofu
And she’ll be drinking beer.
Oh, he would do the ironing,
Her hair does need a comb.
Ann and Andy Drogynous
Re-modeled my old home.
There once was an old man from Thomaston
Who said old rats like cheese like young rats, son
~~My favorite shoes sport rat~~
~~Who eats chunk cheese where he sat~~
Constant reminder of old man with pun
(About a year before my father died at age 96,
we went to a funeral and a lady of about 38 to 43
years old escourted him from the family car to the
cemetery..The farther they walked the more he
leaned into her..My husband said something to him
about it..He said old rats like cheese just like young
rats..I found a pair of pj with shoes with the rat and
cheese..Always a reminder of my father..)
A wealthy old cat lover named Rover
To save money called his idlers over
Gave dough to his cats
Who became very fat
And slept under his bed and its cover
Once rich they became very slim
Enrolled in fanciest gym
Forgot about taxes
Enjoyed expensive waxes
'til their pile-o-change became dim
The tax man, obsessed with this cash flow
A miserly old fellow named Moe
was greatly shocked
His bottom rocked
To see the hep cats without any dough
Dedicated to Debbie Guzzi without whom this poem lacked its punch.
WONDERFUL TOWN
Dear Harry,
Tell ya bout this here town
Cornfield Junction
Man! This here be a clean town
I mean clean!
Got a fine old church
Minister a preachin’ hell’s fire
Aint no bars in Cornfield Junction
No siree – nary a one
Sun goes down – town closes down
Evreebody know evreebody
Like……..
“Mornin’ Jim. How ya be?”
“I be jist fine. Hows bout ye?”
“What’s new, old Jim?”
“Nuthin’ Hows bout you?”
“Nuthin too.”
Aint no loose wimen in this here town
Back in “36 Mayor Hook put ‘em down
Gamblin?
No! No!
Jist bingo ‘n dominoes
Got a small clean station in Cornfield Junction
That’s where I’m a headed now, old Harry
I’m clearin’ outa this damn town!
Yers Trooly, Elmer
As The Old Year Dies
by Rick Rucker
As the Old Year dies,
Bury it, with all past lies.
Start out this bright New Year,
With Truth, and your conscience clear!
It seems to be our Fate,
To let old Lies accumulate,
Then we have to try to think,
Of what we said, to whom, in a blink.
If you do not tell a Lie,
You'll be one very relaxed guy!
But, there is a special class,
For these, you can get a pass,
These are the Lies of White,
And I think you have the right,
To tell them, if you have the need,
And so that you won't bleed!
"White Lies" aren't White, they're gray,
You can tell them, or stay away.
They are meant to spare some pain,
And so you can breathe again!
Like When Aunt Bea asks, if in this dress, she looks fat,
You're a idiot, if you say that!
Honest Abe would have lied,
Though, inside, he may have died.
But he won a brief reprieve,
'Til the next like question he did receive!
Honest Abe was very Wise,
He knew the good of Little White Lies!
In younger days we would watch our figure
Now hear behind the back people snicker
Now through many years
Christmas treats and cheers
Behinds not in line, those bellies bigger!
I’ll make Chocolate pie resolution
Along with Pecan pie restitution
When our congress acquits
Stupid party line splits
That’s when this old sort admits, protrusion!
Once old fat cell was triggered
Being in behinds he snickered
In belly overlap
In lassie and old chap
Got them just the way he figured!
For and in honor of Carolyn Devonshire
And Contest
A dear old friend of mine of many years was retired the other day.
In many ways I'll miss my pal more than words can say!
Alas, there was no longer need for him and his upper and lower case
Since the computer is now all the rage - he is gone without a trace!
I speak of my trusty IBM Selectric upon which I used to hunt and peck.
Now, I rely solely on my computer - frankly, 'tis a pain in the neck!
'Twas some comfort knowing that if my Selectric went on the fritz,
That I didn't have to call some "expert" in Mongolia when it gave me fits!
In his elder years his parts began to show some wear and tear,
And since the dear old chap hardly qualified for medicare,
'Twas getting difficult to find a typewriter doc for his repair.
After all, he and his elderly peers are becoming rather rare!
It was with some remorse that I consigned him to the Goodwill Store,
Hoping some less technological soul would give him life once more.
Now 'tis just this puzzling 'puter and me for which I have little affection!
(My monitor screen is becoming so blurred using whiteout for correction!)
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved
Santa in Florida
By Elton Camp
In Florida, Christmas ain’t so grand
Santa’s sleigh won’t slide on sand
And not many children there stay
Most of the folks are old and gray
Santa’s thick, red suit will be right
To keep away the mosquito bite
Children have to leave him a Coke
On its foul water, he would choke
In land that’s so flat and swampy
The old elf just has to feel grumpy
After Florida, Santa’s not seen later
He got swallowed by an alligator
Bubba’s Away at College
By Elton Camp
“Howdy, Leroy, how’s you and you’rn?
I ain’t seed you since th’ baby wuz born.
Livin’ way up hear in th’ mountain,
Of th’ days I sorta lose accountin’.”
“Well, Jim, as fur as I kin tell
We’se doing tolerable well.
Lulu’s marriage has at last been laid.
Wuz getting’ afeared she be an old maid.
Kinda bad fer her to be publicly seen.
When she’s wuz single at fourteen.”
And Bubba’s got as big as a bear.
He’s ugly enough to throw a scare.”
“What kind of job did Bubba ever get?
He wuz always too lazy t’ break a sweat.
Fer him, schoolin’ wus a mite too tough.
Th’ schoolmarm made it mighty rough.”
“Bubba ain’t been around for many a day.
Because off to a college he went away.”
Jim looked at Leroy with suspicious doubt.
Since he had to wonder what that was about.
“Nothin’ like thet I’ve never seed.
Why old Bubba, he can’t even read.
Hit must be you has money to burn.
How, in college, can Bubba learn?
Leroy realized that he hadn’t made it plain
The way at college big Bubba could remain.
“You has plumb th’ wrong idea there, Jim.
Bubba ain’t studyin’. They’se studyin’ him.
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