Humorous Patter Sayings
Bow to your partner now let's begin
Lift your skirts and kick his shin
Hold it tight and jump and cuss
Don't worry you can't offend us
Get her back gents, catch her quick
Snap her bra lickadee split!
Ain't she red now but comon let's dance
If you never now’s your chance
Got two left feet so you can't walk straight
That's OK cause you can promenade
Promenade up and promenade down
Your the purdiest girl in the whole durn town
Slap your knee and holler an’ wail
Bend on down and shake your tail
Tail, tail, pretty little tail
If you pull it I won't tell
I won't tell no sir yes ma'am
Do-si-do, do it all again.
We sing “Holy is thy name, O Lord,”
Yet attach it to every unsavory word
Then euphemizing, we say “gall-durn,”
It seems like we will never learn!
We pray “Hallowed be thy name,”
Forgetting our curses mean the same
We even go so far as to say “Holy Sh*t,”
And rarely consider what we mean by it.
I must plead guilty too often saying
Words that wouldn’t be fit for praying
And when I lose my temper, most often,
I spit out words like nails in my coffin.
written December 21, 2021
There was a courtly gent name Hearn.
Who was fastidious from stem to stern.
He showered morning and night.
Kept his teeth pearly white.
But couldn't find a wife worth a durn.
Jhonny Knuckleblaster
dum diddly did,
go further
on doddly down
the crick
than his durn daddy had
ever before
He fiddly middly found
a fine finny fish
big as a wish
larger, larger, larger
than he'd ever wished.
Catch it, catch it, catch it,
gotta catch that fine
finny fish.
On doddly down
all short summer long
gotta, gotta, gotta
catch it, catch it, catch it
gotta catch that
fine finny fish!
One dog darn day,
he dang diddly did,
catch the fine finny fish.
With a submarine.
Yes, yes, he did diddly did.
How? What? I don't get it.
Few do... And that's
Johnny Knuckleblaster!
Arkansas
OK, I hail from R-Kansas
That’s what some call the state
We’re the model of the future
Stuck in 1958
My cousins are your cousins
Our DNAs the same
And sometimes when we marry
We don’t have to change our names
In spite of public thinking
I still have all my teeth
‘Cept for 2 or 3 the top ones
And 3 or 4 beneath
I lost some in a bar fight
The others lost to chaw
My mother was an angel
I don’t even know my Pa
I have shoes but I don’t wear them
‘Cept with Sunday overhauls
We sing praises to our good lord
In our sleepy southern drawls
As for fishin’ and for huntin’
Well that’s a gull-durn given
If you ain’t killin’ somethin’
Then you ain’t really livin’
Don’t knock me for my birth place
I’m just having fun
It’s just the place where I grew up
And now I’m glad I’m “From”
Mdailey 3/31/12
Written for someone on facebook as a joke. I have never lived in Arkansas
They said it was time to go on.
The audience claps had begun.
I strolled on the stage
in my thong that was beige.
The spotlight now on me was thrown.
I started to twist and to turn.
My face was so red it did burn.
Embarrassed to be
exposed and so free.
I said, "Aw I'll dance, what the durn!"
The music was loud and so fast.
To keep dancing was such a hard task.
I strutted around.
My thong fell to ground!
Burlesque BAH, my first and my last!!!!!
*For Miranda Lambert's "Burlesque Boutique" contest
There once was a super bowl hero.
Who knew that he fiddled like Nero.
But Rome didn't burn.
His team did by durn.
All the way to the playoffs ate crow.
For Royal Trevinos "Super Bowl" contest.