Best Vicars Poems
Window cleaning is my trade and I want to tell my story
Like the time I saw the Vicars wife in the bath in all her glory
Or when I saw the Vicar tied up, I thought there'd been a slaying
I called the police but it turned out, t'was a game that they were playing.
And Mrs Smith from two doors down, well she is kind of hot
Always leaves big gaps in her drapes just to show me what she's got
Next door to her a stripper lives, well she just doesn't care
She walks around as I try to clean and yes she's totally bare.
Then across from her a nymphomaniac lives, she's always wanting more
Whenever I call to clean her glass there's men queueing at her door
I always cringe when I knock her door to ask her for my money
She always offers payment in flesh; winks and calls me honey.
Next door to her is 'Dirty Pete' watches movies all day long
Not Hollywood films you understand but titles like King Dong
Well I'm no prude each to his own but quadrophonic sound!
The first time that he blasted it, I fell off my ladder to the ground.
Round the corner is Jim and Sue, she always calls me handsome
I heard it from the man next door they want me for a threesome
Well maybe to some weirdy folk, it is their fantasy
Not my thing I assure you 'cos she is eighty three.
The sorority house I'd leave till last ' cos I found it hard to cope
They always leave the windows ajar to let out the fumes of dope
Then the world around me, would turn colourful and bright
My eyes would see some very strange things and I'd fly high as a kite.
See that's what I have to endure, to make an honest living
I never tell my wife you know, she'd be so unforgiving
When I get home she always asks, "Darling how was your day?"
I tell her each time same old same old, but it helps me pay my way.
Written on the 8th November 2020
Categories:
vicars, funeral, funny, humor, nursery
Form:
Rhyme
There’s a party tonight so I bouffe up my hair
Pamper and powder my sweet derrière,
Arrive at the door, all done up to impress.....
Oh man, I forgot! Invite said “fancy dress”!
Pete and Sue are here, seems their theme’s ‘Tarts and Vicars’,
Sue’s skirt’s microscopic! Look at her tiny knickers!
Pete’s in a nun’s habit; the image is scary,
I’ve not seen a nun with a chin that’s THAT hairy!
And there’s Spider-Man! (although I’m perfectly certain,
His cape is made out of his living room curtain),
His curve-hugging costume’s quite “cosy” in size,
I think our friend Spidey gobbled too many flies!
In the corner, a lady has come as Snow White,
Gee, her bosoms are out there, her corset’s so tight,
They look like two bald heads squeezed into a sack,
Glad my hubby’s not here - he’d have a heart attack!
In the hallway, a robot is looking well-oiled -
Her costume’s made out of three rolls of tin foil,
She looks more like a turkey at Christmas, so later,
I really hope no one is tempted to baste her!
By the buffet, Fred Flintstone is looking contrite,
I think he and Wilma are having a fight,
Behaving all “caveman” has got Fred in trouble -
He showed his big man-club to poor Betty Rubble!
There’s a massive man-baby dressed just in a nappy,
The “milk” in his bottle has made him quite happy,
He’s shaking his tooshie and sucking his dummy,
And asking a lady, “can I call you Mummy?”
On the sofa is Princess Fiona from Shrek,
Blimey, Count Dracula’s nibbling her neck,
I avert my eyes to avoid his rising passion,
In walks his wife, and his face turns quite ashen.
His irate wife’s dressed up as pop singer Cher,
In her see through outfit she looks almost bare,
Then she lays into Drac just like Rocky Balboa -
She’s drunk as I skunk, I’m relieved I don’t know her!
Suddenly, Batman bursts through the door,
In his skintight costume - my jaw hits the floor!
He’s so muscular - bulges in all the right places,
If I play my cards right, could be me he embraces!
Well sadly I haven’t a costume of course,
Til I spot a young chappie dressed up as a horse,
I leap on his back - I’m a great improviser -
Strip off and shout “Hey I’m Lady Godiva!”
Collaboration between Jan Allison and the amazing Nina Parmenter
3/17/18
Categories:
vicars, celebration, clothes, humorous,
Form:
Rhyme
OLD MA.
Old Ma always gave the kids a nice treat
Always nuts and never anything sweet
But they soon found out why
Nuts were in great supply
Choc nut bars she'd only suck cos no teeth...
NO HIDING PLACE.
An old gangster robbed a bank and he ran
Flew out from Canada then onto Japan
The Mounties tracked him down
In old Tokyo Town
He was caught cos they always get their man...
A WARDROBE MALFUNCTION
Went to a posh restaurant called Vicars
A girl walked out the loo, there were titters
Her face turned a bright red
At what's every girls dread
She'd gone and tucked her dress down her knickers...
DOMINATRIX.
A dominatrix from the state of Maine
Enjoyed hanky panky out in the rain
She'd use a leather fetter
T'would shrink as it got wetter
And her clients would pass out with the pain..
A FRIEND IN NEED.
The outback two mates went to catch a 'roo
One got cut short and said "I need the loo"
A spider crawled up his knee
As he was starting to pee
And bit him hard on his digeridoo...
His mate phoned the flying doctor who said
"Suck out the Poison if it has turned red"
He thought to himself no way
His mate said "well what's he say?"
He said "in 'bout half an hour you'll be dead" ...
LOST THEIR WAY. For Gershon Wolf
Geese flew south they were honking and hinking
Snow storm came they were blinded and blinking
They had no way of knowing
Where the hell they were going
To see them sway you'd think they'd been drinking...
Written 21st October 2020.
Categories:
vicars, humor,
Form:
Limerick
rain-clouds hide the sun - -
vicars splash the pope and run
on to kiss a nun
written 16th September for Nina's Mischief contest
rhyming haiku
Categories:
vicars, nonsense,
Form:
Haiku
My auntie wears 'Bridget Jones' knickers
But last week at tea at the vicars
She’d purloined MY lace thong
It was morally wrong
T’was the cause of very loud snickers
My thong’s wedged between her butt crack
Stuck firmly between front and back
But it’s not a surprise
As it’s not in her size
There’s no room to cut any slack
Aunt waddles around like a duck
Like a chicken she begins to cluck
‘Yes I took her G-string
Get me out of this thing’
Stop gawping, help me get unstuck
The Vicar say’s I’ll get my pliers
On reflection it’s what this requires
The vicar doesn’t shirk
As he gets down to work
But after an hour he tires
My auntie’s visage is not pale
(Her embarrassment is off the scale)
When my G string gets cut
It pings clean off her butt
It’s a shame she’s the tush of a whale!
For a ‘sweet’ friend BB xx
07/22/21
Categories:
vicars, clothes, humorous,
Form:
Limerick
There once was a party of vicars,
Well known for their liking of liquors,
They said to the masses:
‘Hey, look at our asses’,
And peeled off the skimpiest knickers.
For Roy’s Bawdy limerick contest
Categories:
vicars, nonsense,
Form:
Limerick
We were invited to a party; the theme was tarts and vicars
Though I better get in the part and get some skimpy knickers
Well I can’t go out in my ‘Bridget Jones’ drawers
If I give them a flash I wouldn't get any applause
So it’s off to the lingerie store to do some stopping
Won’t take my hubby or his eyes would be a popping
The shop had knickers of every colour shape and size -
Selection was enormous, I couldn't believe my eyes
In the end I chose a beautiful lacy pink thong
It fitted so snugly what could go wrong
Back home to change then off to the party we did go
When we arrived the party was in full flow
Everyone was in character – but then I heard a ‘vicar’ swear
People started pointing could they see my skimpy underwear?
I began to feel embarrassed, feel really uncomfy
Then I discovered what the others could see
Skirt tangled in the thong - at my almost naked butt they could peek
It was time to turn on my heels and turn the other cheek!
A TOTALLY FICTITIOUS POEM
WRITTEN ESPECIALLY FOR JUDY KONOS
Entered in Whats The Big Idea Contest - idea for a new contest is to write about embarrassing moments - fact or fiction
17TH May 2015
Categories:
vicars, humorous,
Form:
Rhyme
As Women now have more power and rightly now have a voice
In the western world there are many more opportunities
Than there used to be and so much choice.
While men are today unashamedly in touch with their feminine side
And are now at last allowed to cry
Men wearing pink was just not done when I was a nipper
But now anything goes
Some men wear women's clothes make up and fluffy slippers.
Is something in the water or something in the air
But some women are getting more masculine
While men are showing touches of femininity everywhere.
Men may talk about swapping knitting patterns or tips on child care.
The girls around here have tattoos are rough and show off their bits
They have earings through their tongues and noses get drunk and aggressive
Always fighting
In pubs and the street when pints of beer touch their lips.
We now have lady vicars in lace knickers
Female body builders and bricklayers
Men have took a giant step backwards
While women race to the top
And I hope they'll never stop.
House husbands are more common these days
They can change a diaper with just one hand
And talk on the cell phone for hours while doing the housework
Or taking the baby to te park in it's pram
I think women taking over the world
And using men as slaves is the masterplan
And men live in fear because they know they can.
Of course now men have big problems
Like deciding what dress to wear
Does my bottom look big in this
And ooh I hate my hair.
It's so difficult to tell the difference sometimes
When on a date
If you're heterosexual
You may find out a bit too late.
Now it;s women who wear the trousers
And men who wear the skirt and bra
No one seems to care no more
Just who you are.
Women had been repressed by men for too long
Now they play the tune
And bang the drum and sing the song.
Well if you can't beat then join them
Before it's much too late
My operation is next Thursday I hope keep the date
Please don't look down at men
I know we are sometimes a pain
But you have to realise
Men are going through the change.
''Now pink or yellow dress,?, hmmm.
Peter Dome.copyright.2015.June.
Categories:
vicars, conflict, men, power, woman,
Form:
Free verse
There once were two elderly vicars
Who had unreliable tickers
But they perked up no end
When they saw a lass bend
And got a good view of her knickers
Categories:
vicars, funny
Form:
Limerick
At the edge of the town, hidden amongst the trees
Is a nudist camp where folks walk around as they please
They all go about their business strutting their stuff
And as you've probably guessed, they're all in the buff.
There's all shapes and sizes, some skinny, some fat
Others go all out while some cheat and wear a hat
There's vicars, teachers, scientists and truck drivers too
And more from all walks of life, doing what they like to do.
Some boys in town were bored, and wanted some fun
And came up with a heinous plan to make the nudies run
They all covered up and they put a wasps nest in a bag carefully
And planned to throw it over the fence and film it for all to see.
But someone in town had heard of their dastardly plot
And phoned the nudist camp and said "some info I've got"
The nudies were alerted and waited for the town boys attack
And they put robust plans in place for a counter attack.
A lookout then spotted the town boys heading their way
The nudies were going to make those delinquents pay
One of the boys threw the nest over without making a sound
But a covered up nudie quickly caught it, before it hit the ground.
He threw it back over the fence, the town boys were in shock
All the angry wasps had now escaped and were flying amok
Then the nudies rushed forward with water pistols full of honey
And squirted it over the boys until it was sticky and runny.
The wasps picked up the sweet scent and nosedived on the boys
The nudies were laughing so much it drowned out the boys cries
A nudie filmed it all and told the boys to go online and take a look
And said this footage you'll find on our group site on Facebook.
All the boys started running fast and were trying to get away
The air was blue as they tried to keep the stinging wasps at bay
They reached the lake that was just on the outskirts of town
And all jumped in and knew that they'd never live this down.
Written on the 7th July 2022
Categories:
vicars, funny, humor,
Form:
Rhyme
The medic said put on these knickers
By golly they caused me loud snickers
Featuring a butt flap
They are truly mad cap
Not ‘cut out’ for tea at the Vicars!
Some people would term them ‘moon panties’
Their massive like those of my aunties
You may not want to spoon
When panties show a ‘moon’
These truly are not ladies scanties!
Inspired by my recent colonoscopy experience!
07/19/20
Categories:
vicars, clothes, health, humorous,
Form:
Limerick
The Church ladies love tongue-tied vicars
Adept at removing their knickers
For many have found
That whetting the mound
Just beats the Hell out of bootlickers
Categories:
vicars, funny, lust,
Form:
Limerick
hear the happy skittle
knows he isn't brittle
laughs at flying spittal
from the vicars
see the sullen dancer
living fearing cancer
seldom wants an answer
always bickers
smell the Christmas fairy
legs and arms so hairy
makes me rather wary
nostril pickers
man who's always smiling
messing up the tiling
says he's done the filing
wearing knickers
thinks he's Jack the Ripper
breaks another zipper
eats a mouldy kipper
pounding tickers
LOL, pure nonsense but wanted to try this interesting form
written 31st March
for Mick's Violette contest
Categories:
vicars, nonsense,
Form:
Little town do not frown, this is no country circus, there are no smiling clowns,
please wear that pretty party gown
One road in and one road out to get us all about, a spin around the roundabout,
you wandering gadabout
In the fields are sweat stained bodies toiling, tempers boiling, tilling drought ridden
fields of hardened, unforgiving soil
The sheep and cows patrol the never ending pastures, while eating off the local plate
for them there's no escape
Machinery working overtime, thrashing, cutting, relentlessly taking full grown life,
never stopping till the farmhands bedtime
Lonely streets sits waiting for any sign of life, a mother and baby, perhaps the vicars wife,
this sense of isolation rife
There's silence running all around as if this place has come to rest, upon this sandy ground
leading to the west
Though far into the distance a desperate howl is heard, it chills me to the bone, i'm ashen
faced and all a feared
The hotel sits just off the street, a bleak and sad reminder, a bitter taste of yesteryears,
when the darts team played a blinder
Yet in amongst this emptiness there is a rose filled garden, with scents, bouquets and
vibrant blooms that tantalise my weary senses, oh sweet oasis, so please i beg your pardon
For decent, honest people are living here today, to earn the pay so they will stay, their
children with a place to play
But having left the garden it's the lonely sound of tumbleweed, blowing down the empty
streets and through my head, I must take heed
Before the spiteful dust returns to seed, making plants that cry and bleed
Categories:
vicars, society,
Form:
Blank verse
A day in the life of the Evening News
Headline stories and various views
Robson Green, stole the vicars wife
I forgive him said the vicar, that's just life
An aeroplane, is hit by a drone
A girl is mugged for her mobile phone
Two 14 year old kids, armed with knife
Kill a husbands daughter and a husbands wife
Three teenagers, burn a school down
A sink hole opens, on the edge of town
Six people hurt in a taxi crash
The new red wonder boy is Marcus Rash
Boy of ten died, at an Aldi store
Vinyl returns to the record shop door
Community garden trashed by teenage gang
Car explodes at airport, amid a massive bang
Loads of reporters, with loads to say
But its all old old news, on the next new day
Categories:
vicars, social,
Form:
Rhyme