Best Tidbits Poems
Cinqo De Mayo...When a Brooklyn thug target shoots at a floating jar of Hellman's.
Dutch- Where do they come from? I've looked at atlases dozens of times, and
can't find a country called Dutch, or Dutchland.
Dusty Springfield- why doesn't someone get her a dust-buster, or dust rag, or
something?
Refried Beans- What's that about? Didn't they fry them right the first time?
Chigger- defamatory label for a person half Chinese, and half Black.
Endomorph- Quitting a serious drug habit.
Hoe-Down- 1)Dropping your garden tool. 2)A prostitute rendered unconscious.
Ignoramus- A hippo who failed in high-school.
Knee-Jerk-A person whose brains are in his shins.
Primate- A burglar's cohort with the crowbar.
More may be added later, and all are welcome to contribute, either in comments,
or e-mail me and I'll add them.
Categories:
tidbits, confusion, funny, imagination, on
Form:
Burlesque
I went to buy an R.V.
They said all I could afford was a Lose-a Beggo.
I bought a pair of alligator shoes.
But then I started wandering off into swamps.
Finally, I had to toss them, they were
really biting my feet.
I got arrested for tossing
an endangered species.
I got a fantastic price on a
1995 calendar.
I discovered the Missing Link.
(Of my broken chain).
Were cell phones invented for prisoners?
I bought a hot dog from a street vendor in NYC.
I guess he didn't like my looks.
He offered me mustard gas.
Speaking of hot dogs, I bought a $500
hot dog roller-grill machine.
But then I could no longer afford the hot dogs.
I'm so dumb I used to think hot dogs
were Dobermans left out in the sun.
The waiter asked me if I wanted some
mussels. I said I couldn't afford the
gym membership.
What's in a name?
Letters, I guess...
I use Military time, cause I
thought the o'clocks were just
for Irish people.
Did the Ottoman Empire
build forts out of armless sofas?
Someone told me they wanted to see Tibet.
I said, "Why?...No one will win."
I couldn't afford the colon cleanser, so I got a semi-colon cleanser.
Why do they call those big eighteen wheeler trucks "Semis"?
Where's the other half?
Whoever said "All good things come to those who wait" must've had a different
postman.
My neurologist calls me Mr. Numskull.
Someone asked me what my net worth was. I said I pay $9.95 a month to be
online.
I have so many electric pianos the electric company had to build another power
plant.
Amazon doesn't like me either. I ordered an 8mm camera- they sent me a
loaded 9mm gun with instructions on suicide.
Have a good one, more on their way.
(If you wish to unsubscribe to Tom's
Terrrible Tibits, Tough Nookies!)
Categories:
tidbits, funny, on writing and
Form:
Burlesque
12)Coddle- Two fish enrapt in love.
13)Mustard- A diarrhea victim who can wait no longer.
14)Jam Session- A gathering of sweet-toothed weirdos with various jams and
jellies.
15)Coffee Table- An occasional table made of stale and hard coffee beans.
16)Condom- A very stupid prisoner.
17)Confederate- An inmate who nourishes his cellmate with food he sneaks
from the mess hall.
18)Condiment- A mint left on the pillow of Condolezza Rice's hotel room bed.
19)Metaphor- The reason you met her.
20)Meteor Shower- Cleaning meteors in your shower.
21)Osmosis- A female relative of the Osmond Brothers.
22)Gradute- A successfully educated studend ingested by a cannibal.
23)Grab Bag- A purse snatcher's job.
24)Wind Instrument- A guitar lifted and tossed in a hurricane.
25)Destitute- A broke prostitute.
26)Easygoing- Being tied in a wheelchair and pushed down the steepest street
in San Francisco.
27)Castrated- Judging who belongs in what pecking order in the movie cast.
28)Animosity- Dislike of mice.
29)Barn Dance- A group of barns dancing in a hurricane.
30)Carpeting- Gently stroking an automobile you love.
31)Chirk- A Cherokee idiot.
32)Coddle- Embracing your fish prior to frying.
33)Extraterrestials- Coming from another planet, or from Camden, New Jersey.
34)Hail Mary- A religious woman bombarded in a hail storm.
35)Hair Dresser- The absurd practice of putting dresses on one's head.
36)Homely- When poor ugly Lee is home.
37)Antacid- A psychological hallucinogenic drug favoered by hippy garden
insects.
38)Moron- An overdressed person of limited intelligence with far too much
cologne on.
39)Precession- The last days leading up to an economic downturn.
40)Martial Arts- Paintings done by Western town Sheriffs.
41)Spouse- A married rodent.
42)Consort- Dividing criminals by crime categories.
43)Debaunchery- When de bunch of us Brooklyn guys goes out on de town.
44)Drag Queen- When us guys from Brooklyn beat up and haul around
somebuddy from Queens.
45)Dragoon- Da dumb guy from Queens dat we got above.
Categories:
tidbits, funny, imagination, on writing
Form:
Burlesque
#Snippets,Tidbits, and Pieces minus Peace...
Flecks and Specks sprawled evenly and eventually...leaving no room for possibilities and puzzle pieces scattered haphazardly; no room for building inevitably, it's a choice, depending on a conclusive voice and it would be made known a Full understanding, of shards of discards desired to be left outstanding; BOULDERS BOLD OF TRUTH in this bit, built branding...No Tresspass* on this "BUILT TO LAST" Landing; Gated and Guarded Mentally; Let's Zoom In More...
Fragments Form Finalization For Formation
*ALL* Information Is Not Usually Deemed Necessary...On the Contrary, it Depends On *WHO* You're Talking To...Such a BROAD View Skewed and Selectively the "fine print" goes unnoticed, unobtained and UNANSWERED
In conclusion, there's no illusion on this microscopic topic and poem; just like a house is not a home that always encourages understanding beneath it's dome... pebbles and fragments forms a foundation that stands alone; peace is not a negotiation, when missing pieces has no consideration and that's what happens when snippets and tidbits holds it's own...WHOLE OUTCOMES determine those snips* of seedings that's been sewn.
©Renee Denise Gross 12/9/2017#
Categories:
tidbits, emotions, feelings, inspirational, introspection,
Form:
Rhyme
"Anything i can do, you could do better!"
I'm different. I like my sushi well done.
"Sure you're right!...Who cares?"
I'm as wise as a potato chip.
Is it illegal to leave a night-light on in the day?
"If music be the food of love...I'm tone deaf."
So what? I guess my self-confidence made me inferior.
I hired an interior decorator for my refrigerator.
I spend my time figuring out how to spend my time!!
good day , Carol....
Categories:
tidbits, funny, life, people,
Form:
Burlesque
I studied cosmology for 4 years before I realized there was no mention of make-
up or hair styling.
I saw the movir "Superfly", and didn't understand why they never even showed a
zipper!
I wanted Lasix surgery- but, due to being stupid, I wound up with Latex surgery;
now I have "boobs".
I love movies- and had my heros- and I was classified a "copy cat". But I got tired
of the hair balls in my throat.
I'm probably the only one who considered suicide by H-bomb.
I ordered a "Blair" catalogue, expecting a book about witches.
I had a car I nicknamed "Flattery" 'cause it got me nowhere.
Ever notice that some hospitals have a "detox" ward? Does that mean that
somewhere there's a "tox" ward?
I'm a musician-I've been, for years, trying to join a "Rubber Band". Guess that's a
stretch, huh?
My house is so messy, I don't remember the color of my carpet.
I used to be a department store buyer. But I could never afford to buy stores.
I suffered from chronic pain for years. Then I got divorced.
All this talk about "role models"- boy- just go to the bakery!
I have a very high IQ- but in my case it means "Idiot Quota".
Someone once scolded me about my self-depreication. I replied-"It's better than
self defecation!"
Everytime I went to the psych ward I signed in as "Randall P. McMurphy" true!
confused? see "One Flew Over the Cuckoo Nest".
Russian? I don't know, they seem to move pretty slow to me.
Napoleon Bonaparte? I don't know, I've had a number of Napoleons from
various bakeries; I never found any bones.
I guess the Nazis must'a needed a lot of underarm deodorant.
Cell phone? I don't know- seems like being in prison is hardly worth it.
If we capture Osama Bin Laden, instead of death, I'd make him watch Billy Mays
commercials 24/7. (Too gruesome to even think of!)
Jock itch is a bit_h. Glad I'm not a "jock".
Wars never end, they just change names.
I once spent a winter in my old home, alone- no heat, no gas, no phone,no
food,sometimes no electricity. Ever have your underwear frozen fast to your
body? True!!
Well, my friends, till we meet again! Here's to Soup!
Categories:
tidbits, funny, life, parody, hair,
Form:
Free verse
I used to be bisexual....but then I ran out of money and couldn't buy it anymore.
I just bought a 12 pack of cold pills- they should last forever!! I can't open the
da_m things!!
When all else fails, you're up sh_t's creek!
I "souped up" my van- I wrote poetry all over it. Caused 6 accidents in 2 days-
seems others have lost concentration trying to read them at 60MPH.
Thanx to all the soup-freaks I've come to know and love- keep up the good
work...or, if ya can aford it, hire a ghost-writer. Just make sure he's not merely
ectoplasm...
Cheers.
Categories:
tidbits, funny, on writing and
Form:
List
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy. But he was wearing a skirt.
I bought a roll of Saran Wrap, then realized I didn't have a Saran to wrap.
My dentist told me to see a gynecologist.
Ever see the commercial about "Bob" who took a male enhancement product?
You tell me what woman would have sex with a guy with such a sickening grin.
Or the infamous "Billy Mays" commercials? When asked by my psychiatrist if I
had homicial urges, I said, yes- just two. Osama Bin Laden and Billy Mays.
I was born in a trauma ward.
People complain about airplane food- they ought'a eat here.
I've been married so many times, I don't remember my maiden name.
Another bizarre commercial; the male enhancement product- to "make that
certain part of the male body larger. I took it, you gotta see my nose now!
And the commercial that warns men to seek emergency medical help if you have
an ******** lasting more than four hours...You gotta' be kiddin'- I'd be the most
popular man in this trailer park.
4 hours? That'd take me all the way back to 1971.
When the going gets tough, go on vacation.
If idleness is the devil's work, darn, I'm a new devil worshiper.
If I gave you just one smile, you're deranged!
Catch ya next time!
Tom
Categories:
tidbits, funny, imagination, introspection, me,
Form:
Burlesque
I wish I was an Oscar Meyer weiner....cause then I'd be in somebody's buns.
"I shall return!" I said to my last wife, last time I saw her in 1989. McArthur I isn't!
Why are women so much smarter than men? Probably cause they have brains.
I never realized just how stupid I was until I went to the eye doctor's. See "A bad
day at the eye doctor's" poem.
My eye doctor seemed to catch on real quick as to how stupid I was.
I hate to say it, but I think Rodney Dangerfield would make a better president.
Excuse me, but what year is this?
Did you ever wake up and realize the best part of your day was over?
I have a picture of me, when younger, flying in the air,in my karate days, kicking
butt. Now I need help just to pick up the picture.
How did I earn the nickname "Skuzz-Bucket"- I don't even own a bucket!
I guess the best thing about getting old is you got less time to suffer.
Wives- I need a chain letter. Alimony? Can't squeeze an orange that's already
orange juice. Excuse while I take the pits out of my hair.
And to my fans, I say thanks- wish I could afford an air conditioner though.
My "friends" gave me a room aerosol air freshener. Seems the main ingredient
was Zyklon-B.
With friends like that, who needs enemies?
Have a" happy"! What a crock!
My doctor said he'd pay me not to come anymore.
He wanted me to join the "Euthanasia Club"
I didn't pass the test, however- they said I was brain dead too long.
Even the Girl Scouts mock me- they ask me for cookies!
I once had a girlfriend named "Cookie" She was cute, but her butt was chaffed
from bed-hopping.
Ever try to nail a girl while she's hopping on the bed?
Well goodbye my friends- see ya'll real soon...(Genuine White Trailer Trash
Lingo)!!
Categories:
tidbits, funny, girlfriend-boyfriend, health, me,
Form:
Burlesque
My psychologist said I'm bipolar. I told him I wouldn't have sex with either a male
or a female polar bear.
Bipolar? You gotta be kidding- I've never been to the north or the south pole!
Bipolar? Why in the world would I buy a pole? I don't even speak polish.
What they say about us trailer-trash folks is more than true. My next door
neighbor has a red pick-up truck, with an engine so untuned, you could hear it in
Spain. Wears plaid shirts, weighs 350 pounds, has a rifle rack in his pick up, the
sight is kind of scary. And his yard looks like something I'd describe as a cross
between the Sanford and Son yard and the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. His
blinds are torn down the middle. There are enough parts of things about to start
a fresh industrial revolution. Sadly, he is the most sophisticated person in this
park. You gotta see when the mail truck comes, people come out of nowhere,
swarm about the mailboxs, like a scene out of the "Body Snatchers" where the
truck full of alien pods arrives, and people come out of nowhere. I mean, in this
park TV Guide is considered great literature!! I want outta' here! How did I wind
up here? What was I thinking?
So here we go again, my friends....Remember my offer of a free Tootsie Roll for
any comments, no matter how insulting (I'm used to that). chow
Categories:
tidbits, funny, life, people, people,
Form:
Burlesque
Love it Andrea Crazy eight may win the day.
I think we tap into common source.
the great unconcious, unwashed horse,
who blurts about with no recourse,
provides the words to tickles force! :) xox Don
as Johnson says, I say!
Robert Haig, yes ,
you have the thing,
great poets try to use,
to flow n flow while talking though,
do not it abuse:)
Bob D was an influence like Elvis,
upon my poor flow line,
connection do we often get,
within the winds of time?
the red red wine,
enflames of the passion,
love without love,
is shortened is,
the shortened ration,:)
xo Don...
L-M
Yes indeed we are tittilated,
in passions sweetest way,
and hubbys happy that your hot,
he must enjoy the play.
life is just a boring bit,
no cuddles for my manly wit,
catch a mount i now admit,
you could be just exhausting it:)
if you come out to play:)
thanks from
Aussie Don
Categories:
tidbits, adventure
Form:
Rhyme
I sent back the Bowflex I ordered back when it failed to come with the arrows.
Ever see "Smiling Bob " with the male "enhancement" adv? What woman would
make love to a cadavorous plastic smiling face like that?
I bought a giant "Universal Remote", cause I keep losing mine...It is the size of a
surfboard. Unfortunately it turns out it doesn't work in this universe.
I smeared "drawing salve" all over my hands when I wanted to try some
sketches. The pencil kept sliding out of my hand. Guess I'll go back to cooking.
I hired a girl to clean my house...she's been a no-show for 5 days. And now
she's asking for a raise, and health insurance.
Only a batchelor musician would have a kitchen with 2 electric pianos, one music
computer, two amps, and a giant console organ. No wonder I always order in. I
haven't seen my stove in months.
I asked my doctor how I was doing. He said, "Don't buy any green bananas."
PS- hope soon to get photos posted on line...first I gotta master the printer.
I ordered 4 Chinese food dishes specifying "No mushrooms!" I got 4 empty
containers for $22...including $2 extra for customizing!
I have a small religious plaque from my old home labelled "A House Blessing"
Somehow, up here, it transformed into "A House Messing".
I'm very kareful witch my speling.
Have a good one, folks.
Categories:
tidbits, adventure, confusion, funny, house,
Form:
Burlesque
A few more words/ phrases I can do without;
"24/7"- I just can't seem to divide 24 by 7.
"But wait!!!... If you act right now....."- "Just how brain atrophied are you?
"We'll double your offer....." (more to come on this)- Mays can always amaze...
that insolent ****!
Would somebody please tell me just how many 8 oz. glasses of water are in the
Atlantic ocean?? Who left the faucet dripping?
For years I thought LOL meant Land of Lakes cheese...I wondered just how
many cheese freaks on the internet.....Just too key happy to cook?
Finally- a true historical story (well, I Was a history major, you know!). Calvin
Coolidge was a rather odd president...his nickname was "Silent Cal". He rarely
used his vocal cords...maybe they were disengaged from his cerebrum... Well,
anyway, at a formal White House dinner, seated next to him was some actress or
some other form of high inellect... She turned to Calvin (No, he wasn't wearing
jeans!), and comfidently said...."I've bet everyone here I can make you say three
words. So he turned to her, and said, laconically (don't ya love these $10 words
I've been parading for some reason lately!?), "You Lose!" Wish Bush would
follow his example! Carry On Cleo!!!
Categories:
tidbits, funny, history,
Form:
List
When I think of dessert, you come to my mind
How delicate__ flaky crust__ crumbles with a touch
Then on the inside those apples slightly tart spring
Forth bursting out of the crust that held them there
Ummmm...those fried apples pies of yore
When mother fried them in no less than side meat
You know those drippings of it fried earlier
Do you remember also those pies, my dear?
Have not eaten one in years but what does doctor
Know about health__daddy lived to be ninety-seven
Mother lived those years too and what about Aunt
Euvela she lived to be ninety-eight ate
Bacon everyday of her life and eggs
I think that I will cook some of those Fried Pies
Enough to share with everyone on soup
Can you catch a whiff of those apples cooking?
Categories:
tidbits, family, food, love
Form:
Free verse
1)I've visited Pool Halls at least 100 times, and I ain't yet found a pool there. I got
so disgusted, I stopped carrying my bathingsuit around.
2)My girlfriend sent me an Afghan, but I don't speak his language. Her note said
he was supposed to keep me warm, but I couldn't use him for that- he smelled
kind'a funky.
3)Affidavit- When David pissed me off and I was out to get him.
4)Commercial Bank- A bank primarily concerned with safely storing TV
commercials.
5)Congo- What happens when a prison inmate escapes.
6)Commodore- An entranceway covered with a grammatical symbol.
7)Kinetic- A blood sucking insect attached to the skin of a relative.
8)Kinship- My uncle's yacht that I'm not allowed on.
9)New Delhi- A start-up delicatessen.
10)Wimp Van Wrinkle- A dry-cleaner who is abused by his wife.
11)Tally Ho- A pimp takes inventory.
Categories:
tidbits, funny, on writing and
Form:
Burlesque