Best Speedo Poems
There once was an Olympic swimmer
Who accidently ate Viagra for dinner
His Speedo grew tight
He was awarded that night
A gold medal as the pole-vault winner
Categories:
speedo, funny
Form:
Limerick
You may think that I am famous
Can't recall my name but
You've seen me hang out with the stars
Believe me I'm right there with ya
I'm in their every picture
They don't know me but I know who they are
Thought it'd do me a world of good
To move out West to Hollywood
And try to get my name put up in lights
I myself see nothing wrong
Being the king of the Photo Bomb
Though I'm still matinee and not full price
When I see a major star
I run up to their fancy car
And kindly open up the door
They all give me the strangest glance
When they can't quite place me yet
They feel they've seen me somewhere before
I'm at the next table in the restaurant
Sitting smiling nonchalant
Big toothy grins when the flash bulbs go pop
I'm the guy by the swimming pool
In the Speedo looking cool
Waiting on the Photo Bomb to drop
Or the guy on the red carpet
Expertly placing my spinning head
At the perfect strategical angle
So when the picture does appear
In all the Major Rags for years
I'll be more famous than Charlie Rangel
Those of us that'll never make it
Can anyone really blame us
For trying to slide our way to the top
It's all I really know how to do
If you really must know the truth
My only claim to fame...the Photo Bomb
Categories:
speedo, funny, humor,
Form:
Rhyme
Was by the pool, sporting a Speedo
Cursed with overactive libido
I did all that I could
Now, I'm just sporting wood
The damned thing looked like a torpedo
So I used my towel, trying to hide
But still, it wouldn't swallow my pride
The shadow from my shaft
Was creating a draft
And it stirred up a crowd a mile wide
The line stretched from here to the border
Trump signed an Executive Order
News choppers filled the air
Bigfoot could only stare
Cher begged, but I couldn't afford her
Categories:
speedo, humorous,
Form:
Limerick
Showing off the ultimate bathing fright,
worked all winter preparing a delight.
Laid off the usual beer,
summer now finally here.
His Speedo package outrageous and tight!
*For the battle of the bulge contest. It only takes one Speedo to ruin a day at the beach!
Categories:
speedo, funny, satire
Form:
Limerick
There is a state of mind known as woebegone
In which one feels like an addict on methadone
The more one tries to feel upbeat
The more one suffers mental defeat
And the mind plays on like a gramophone.
8
The boys outside the bar appeared rapscallion
Their actions were downright reptilian
Every time a girl would walk by
One would let out a loud cry
Acting just like an overheated young stallion
8
There was an old lady from New Jersey
Who recently moved to Poughkeepsie
She met this old fart
In a local Kmart
And the two proceeded to get quite tipsy
8
Roger was smug and a bit of a grandee
Others viewed him as somewhat of a dandy
The girls giggled and downright snickered
Because they knew he sought entry to their knickers
But alas, with buttons and zippers he just wasn’t handy
8
Bobby was well known for his generosity
But also known for his excessive gulosity
He would take you to lunch anytime
But always state “what’s left over is mine”
And clean the table with the utmost ferocity
8
There was this old man from Toledo
That liked to parade around in his speedo
The old ladies would giggle
Watching his sagging butt jiggle
But it did little or nothing for their libido
8
There is this retired gentleman in south Buda
Who would like to vacation in Bermuda
But his poem book didn’t sell worth squat
Now he’s stuck with who knows what
As he reads travel brochures in his pad in south Buda
8
There is this Colorado guy in the Springs
Whose Windows computer does unusual things
The damn screen turned permanently black
So he went out and bought a new Mac
Now he doesn’t answer when his telephone rings
8
Categories:
speedo, funnyold, old,
Form:
Used to be the weather was frightful
People covered themselves from head to toe
Now, despite the fact it’s Christmas season
I see more sand, than I see snow
The temperatures keep on elevating
To the moon, they just seem to rise
Oh, where is the Christmas of yesterday
The rosy cheeks, windows fogged with ice
It’s just too warm now for Christmas
Too hot to shop, too hot to run around
Santa’s working at the pole in a speedo
That’s nothing, we wanna see come to town
Frosty, it seems we’re not gonna see him
Heat miser, now, has gotten his day
Can’t ole Jack Frost do something about this
And chase the warm weather away
No need to chop wood set for burning
The heated air replaces that in the hearth
I hope it gets cold and very soon, too
Because Christmas puts warmth in everyone’s heart
It’s just too warm now for Christmas
Too hot to shop, too hot to run around
Santa’s working at the pole in a speedo
That’s nothing, we wanna see come to town
Oh, when Christmas day finally gets here
Right now, I’ll tell ya, all I wanna see
Are people with scarves and gloves on their hands
And snow bringing life to all barren trees
I want the temps to chill me right to the bone
That’s when I’ll know it’s Christmas time
Who wants to look up and see a sleigh
With a fat man in a speedo, flying around
It’s just too warm now for Christmas
Too hot to shop, too hot to run around
Santa’s working at the pole in a speedo
That’s nothing, we wanna see come to town
Categories:
speedo, childhood, family, children, funny,
Form:
When I was young I had a car
It didn’t cost too much
It didn’t have a speedo
It didn’t have a clutch
The doors, they wouldn’t open
And the roof was non existent
The wheels were always squeaking
And the noise was quite persistent
It didn’t have a gear stick
And the windscreen wasn’t there
This was my pride and joy, and so
I really didn’t care
The only thing that bugged me was
Should it begin to shower
I couldn’t get home quick
‘cause, it was only pedal power
Categories:
speedo, childhood, funny,
Form:
Rhyme
I knew of a man from Toledo,
Who laid on the beach in a Speedo,
No muscles he had,
It really was sad,
He had no physique nor libido.
He watched all the slim, pretty girls,
The ones with their hair in small curls,
But nothing he felt,
Down south of his belt,
He saw them as oysters, not pearls.
But that's when he saw pretty Lucy,
The sight of her frame made him goosey,
Libido is back,
They're both in the sack,
The rest of this story's too juicy!
Categories:
speedo, humor,
Form:
Limerick
Dear Mother’s new flamboyant beau
Suggested I should take a job,
Instead I hopped aboard our Lear
And winged my way to St. Tropez
To mope, quiescent, on hot sand,
Ambivalent for Mother, dear,
Until a moment, most arcane,
Renewed in me my joie-de-vivre:
My brooding eyes glimpsed up to spy,
‘Neath immolation of the sun,
The quintessence of bare beach breasts
And luscious curves of passing femme—
When, up, I bounced to meet her cheeks
And volunteer as tactile friend,
Some intercessor glanced my way
(With barrel chest and tight Speedo):
She kissed that man with bright amour
And life, again, turned bittersweet,
So off I sailed upon our yacht
To test the beach of sun-flecked Cannes.
November 7, 2016
Ten Word Challenge-2 Contest
John Hamilton, Sponsor
flamboyant, quiescent, ambivalent,
arcane, immolation, quintessence,
luscious, tactile, intercessor,
bittersweet
Categories:
speedo, beach, mother son,
Form:
Blank verse
This most peculiar man
Who did handstands in the pool
Always in the shallow end
In his speedo, to stay cool?
I've seen him dance in the street alone
This most peculiar man
Or out lying on the public grass
Working on his his tan.
But mostly I saw him by the water
His banana hammock donned.
This most peculiar man
Some of the neighbours, not too fond.
But every warm and sunny day
His feet rose above his hands
Waving about in his speedo again
This most peculiar man.
Categories:
speedo, funny, home,
Form:
Quatern
Sure feel the cold a whole lot more
Since losing a bunch of pounds
Never considered there'd be side effects
And there's surely others I've found
Actually need a whole new wardrobe
Costly to lose so much weight
One good thing I can fit my old clothes
I wore on my very first date
Another thing is I can ask for a booth
At my favourite eatery again
Instead of sitting conspicuously at a table
Embarrassing me and my friends
Even can be seen in my Speedo once more
Showing off my skinny physique
Haven't done that for a very long while
It's been almost fifty-two weeks
For those of you thinking of maybe a diet
Be aware of the side effects
But all in all you'll feel real fantastic
And regain your self respect
© Jack Ellison 2013
Categories:
speedo, health,
Form:
Quatrain
As cars go...
This was a good one
Gleaming black
A perfect car...
for Cadillac Jack
What's in a name?
People have names for cars
Pet names
It's all in that peculiar car game
Cadillac Jack was no different,
but more of that later
Dogs look like their owners
Cars are the same
It's all in the car game
Cadillac Jack,
was fat and chunky too,
although he would never admit it
The car did the walking
Jack did all the talking
Cadillac Jack,
a cruising man you see...
Fat and single,
gleaming black,
just like the car
Cadillac Jack,
works occasionally
Never hard for the car he drives,
takes all his time,
for it is time he does lack
Jack is hitting sixty
and that is not on the speedo
The car, is all he has,
for he has no libido
The car is his woman
Gleaming black
Soft and quiet
It's cool in the back
Rubbing down every sunday,
waxed and polished,
under a fierce sun
Cadillac Jack is number one
The car...
Second to none
This is Cadillac Jack,
hitting sixty
the secret is in the game
the car...
a wife in all but name
Oh yes!
The name...
Jack told me once,
so softly he muttered
My dear...
Her name, he uttered
Myrtle Murgatroyd
I nearly burst out laughing I fear
Cadillac Jack,
with such sangfroid
Let it go,
for he did know,
the name of my car
which I will not mention here!
Jack died a while back,
yet I see his car
cruising still, like on a quest..
I look for a driver,
haven't seen one yet
Mrytle Murgatroyd,
dressed in her sunday best
All in black
Like a true widow,
she conducts her self with dignity
She never hits sixty,
you know...
Myrtle is by a quirk of fate,
a hearse you know
Explains why she never went over sixty
Just like Jack,
she can wait
for Jack is now in the back!
that car is still cruising around,
looking for a driver that can't be found
Myrtle Murgtroyd...
and Cadillac Jack
They'll be back...
Categories:
speedo, funny, mystery, car, car,
Form:
Ballad
Highway Speed Cops
Have speedy tops!:
Motorists they halt
And check every fault
Mostly: 'Are ya alert
"Fatalities to avert?"
To mind speedo metre
Accidents to deter
Cops raise their Trap
Errant to surely slap!
"Ya can't badly drive
"An' wish to survive!"
Watchful by the road
They'll not spare the rod!
To escape their knuckle
Always mind to buckle
"It'll avert bodily dents
"In times of accidents!"
Cops diligent and inert:
"Ya mind must be alert
"Don't drink an' drive,
"Ya may not arrive!"
Highway speed cops
Loathe drug an' hops:
"Learn to steer so well
"Beelines lead to Hell!"
So, take time to learn
Genuine papers to earn.
Categories:
speedo,
Form:
Rhyme
Keep the linens, the wool blends, and tweeds,
no need for silk or pressed poplin shirts.
Give me coolmax or one hundred per cent cotton
Suit me up in a Speedo for laps in the pool.
Dress me in a matched sports bra and short ensemble for the temperate
weather
Or a gore-tex running suit with a pair of fleece mittens for cold weather running.
I much prefer my vibrant sporting ensembles
Outfit me for swimming or running or biking the trails,
This bright patterned, stretchy happiness costumes my personality better than
grays, browns and blues.
Categories:
speedo, adventure, happiness, sports, me,
Form:
Free verse
What am I?
Who am I?
I am the hooded warrior.
I strike with such charisma,
I am the inhibition taking enigma.
Who am I?
What am I?
I'm also called the dark knight.
Unknowingly, I approach surprisingly.
Cloak and dagger warrior,
can you see me?
What am I?
Who am I?
The staff of the reaper grim.
A magical staff here for you,
I'm outside, please let me in!
Who am I?
What am I?
A torpedo in this speedo.
A gift meant just for you.
Come hang with my hooded warrior,
and begin something brand new.
Who am I??
Asavvy1.......
Jared Pickett
11/3/09
Asavvy1
Categories:
speedo, life
Form:
Free verse