Best Rear End Poems
wings could drive you crazy
under the overpass, the crows
gather one by one, flapping
it is a perfect day, stuck underneath
where cars borrow the bird’s view
without a whisper or toll, torrent
of landings to complete the murder
the row, on an inner ledge, legible
perhaps eligible to a mate, could be
a male society or female offering
we who pass so quickly, only stopping
for a light or traffic jamming, see
what flies in the dark, in the face
we are the ones out of place
the fury of the flock, frenetics
relics, energetic, spot on sketchy
do they see some of the same old
cars? do they care or turn a blind eye
i haven’t forgotten but what does it matter?
it does because a poetic fuse ensues
and must in the end die out, forgotten
except by the rear end reader
who will extend the imagery for a blink
or think a deja vu when flocking with crows
in trees, on lines, under the overpass
Categories:
rear end, bird,
Form:
Free verse
I ask Freya of the cool blue North
To be my special Magic Goddess
Naked in Her clicking high heels
Freya, my new fantasy friend
At my side when adventures go forth
She's posing in Her skin for me
At the edge of the mystic trees
Twisting, bending, showing me
I can have Her, if I can catch Her,
If I love Her, what a tease
She's teaching me Her style of charm
To conjure Her in dreams awaking
Glamouring love spasm calling Her name
Goddess of Love and shuddering Sex
Clenching my fingers in Her golden mane
Freya my partner in dark sex adored
Feral Freya with paralyzing eyes
Ancient primal Sacred Whore
Gliding around me in blazing form
Goddess of Love and Death and War
Magic Shape Shifter, Valkyrie Queen
Who could ask for a cooler Girlfriend?
We went shopping for shoes today
For clicky high-heels that firm up Her rear end
Then hit the sidewalk to stun the old men
Long-legged Freya, my Goddess Girlfriend
Categories:
rear end, beauty, dream, fantasy, girlfriend,
Form:
Free verse
.
Tending to my fruit stand,
another lonely day
Hoping for a customer
to happen ‘long the way
When then I saw approaching
a funny colored van
It pulled off on the shoulder,
I wondered of its plan
The back doors slowly opened
and there before my eyes
Stood a gorgeous woman
beneath these sunny skies
Her eyes were soft and sable
with hair a darker hue
She smiled and said hello to me
I said, “How do you do?”
She stood before my table,
I couldn’t help but stare
First she touched an apple,
then she touched a pear
Suddenly she shouted,
for now her hand did reach
Excitedly she questioned
“Please may I have a peach?”
All I could do was stutter,
as I could barely breathe
She took a bite and then exclaimed
“The sweetest I believe”
Then she grabbed a couple,
and walking to her van
Sat upon the rear end sill,
then patted with her hand
I stumbled there to join her,
she handed one to me
“I just adore your peaches”
“Yes ma’am, that I can see”
I sat there with her eating
and maybe I am dumb
But juice was dripping from her lip,
I brushed it with my thumb
This seemed to make her happy,
her beauty such a view
Then I could not believe my ears,
She asked, “Can I kiss you?”
Well, forget what I said earlier
the “dumb” part wasn’t right
I pressed my lips against hers
and held them there real tight
They were sweet and sticky,
delicious like the fruit
Then we separated,
she grinned and said, “You’re cute”
“I really think I love you
and will forever true”
I felt my heart just skip a beat,
“Yes ma’am, I love you too”
“I just adore your peaches,
they’re the best in all the land”
We kissed again, this time good bye,
she climbed into her van
I watched as she departed,
standing on the curb
Thinking of her kisses
and the last thing that I heard
Then felt kind of lousy
this pristine summer day
Not for what had happened,
but what I did not say
I didn’t have the heart to tell
this woman of my dreams
The fruits this day that she enjoyed
were really nectarines
Categories:
rear end, happy, imagination, love, ,
Form:
Rhyme
YES, IT’S A DOG’S LIFE
Out at last and oh boy am I gonna enjoy some fun -
Leg-up, ahhhhhhhhhh, the poodle next door will envy that one.
He‘ll be calling for me pretty soon, to cross the road (as if I can’t do it
alone and get a in a bit of car-chasing to boot) with him, the dimwit.
So, gotta get to the corner and sniff who’s been and how long ago was that.
But whoa! What’s that scent I feel on the breeze? A cat?
Excellent ! - a chase with one of those furry mouse-snatchers -
Just to show ‘em who owns this street…Ok…ready you dog watchers?….
Excuse me for a mo….woof, woof, snarl, woof, woof:
Just a bit of theatrical dog-voice there. Mmm . . . I love cat-on-the-hoof.
Oh yeah, I figured, now he’s gonna put on the leash
As a statement that “he owns this stretch of street” - it’s his niche.
Ok, it’s on now, but he’s gonna have to pay: his muscles will tire
Cos I am pulling the wrong way all the time, and pressure gets higher
On the leash, I’m a-gonna want to be ahead of him whichever way he goes:
Were talking arm-out-of-socket after half an hour, I suppose.
Another corner, stop for a good sniff, make him wait with patience deep:
On his “tight leash” he’s gonna have to stand near the crap heap.
Ok, quick leg-up, no liquid but just gotta do it for show
Demo of who-owns-what-corner around here, you know.
Now it’s the neighbour’s poodle, “Oh hi, how are you?
Let me sniff your rear-end a good bit, mmmmm.. . . .ooooo!”
Then I’ll lick his hand he’ll have to wash that hand when we’re home.
Just showing him who owns the butt-sniffing rights around here where I roam.
Ok, so it’s the newspaper shop ritual, gotta show a little obedience here.
Why can’t he buy it at a shop that’s near?
How’d you like a roll of paper in your mouth for fifteen minutes?
And no drools on it or else he’ll have a seizure or fits.
And with the roll in my mouth as I pass all the guys laugh. . .
I tell you, man, it’s a dog’s life.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Written 13 June 2012
Entered in Tanya Harrington's Contest Dog Gone Tales
Categories:
rear end, funny, me, me,
Form:
Couplet
Pity the poor porcupine
on what kind of chair can it dine
It cannot sit on its rear end
for its quills will not bend
And if it stands on its head
it will surely be dead
Categories:
rear end, animal, england, food, giggle,
Form:
Couplet
Lit up like a Christmas tree
Is papa after his festive drink
He’s a funny one
Can’t hold his tongue
Dances and he sings
Words that make no sense
Long winded when he’s bent
He gives a Ted Talk
About how to stand tall
And falls on his rear end
Despite his huge blue pride
He knew too drunk to drive
In his sloppy stupor
He calls an Uber
Goes home to angry wife
Categories:
rear end, poetry,
Form:
Limerick
One day, She looked and saw what I done
For tomorrow is fine, now I’ll follow the Nun
She caught me acting up and having fun
She gave me detention, so I’ll follow the Nun
And now the time has come, to detention I’ll go
I will get a concussion and my poor rear end will hurt so
One day you’ll find that it’s no fun
When you stay after school and have to follow the Nun
And now the time has come, to detention I’ll go
I have a sore rear end, when I sit I hurt so, oh
One day, you’ll stay, and wait until I’m done
You can go home now cause today, I’ll follow the Nun
Beatles tune, "Follow The Sun"
For John's contest
Categories:
rear end, funnyme, time,
Form:
Lyric
When you want to get me in the mood
You strip down to just your boxer shorts
Tell me that I look so hot tonight
Then strike poses of various sorts.
Sometimes I could almost laugh out loud
We have been married for thirty years
You'd think you would know to drop my pants
You need to entirely switch your gears!
Do the dishes for only one night
You will be my most studly old man.
Run the vacuum, dust, or cook a meal,
I will gladly do you in our van!!!
I find it funny that you can hear
My bra unhook from way down the street
But you can't hear a child crying
When right underneath your own two feet!!!
You want me to wear some lingerie
And act like a dancer at a club?
But all I think is that’s one more piece
Of dirty laundry in the wash tub!!
So here it is, my sweet other half
So efforts are no longer thwarted:
Get off your rear end, take out the trash
That's sexy, and will be rewarded!!!
Revised November 17, 2018
Categories:
rear end, funny, giggle, marriage, sexy,
Form:
Rhyme
JACK SPRATT
Mc Donald's food is unhealthy it's thought
Food is food no matter where it's bought
When encountering starvation on your traveled road
You'll not hearing them saying "McDonalds? I'd rather eat a toad!"
People in war zones are thin but not by choice
They have no McDonalds to make them fat of course
It's not the food making Jack Spratt's wife fat
Overeating is where the problem's at
Cholesterol and calories are not what it's about
It's greedy gobbling like the food will run out
Exercising her legs more than her mouth
AND
Mrs. Jack's rear end then wouldn't be going south
Categories:
rear end, funny,
Form:
Couplet
Eavesdropping
A good man is hard to find
Said my Nana,
That was the day I saw tears in her eyes
As she nervously stuff the monthly tithe in the envelope
And headed to church that Sunday morning
Before, screaming at my granddad for hours
I guess she was mad as hell at the old fool
That was the same day when I found out that my hero my grandpa
Was having an affair with the widower Estelline Beckley
“Ellie you’re the only woman for me said my Granddad”
However, my Nana wasn’t haven’t any of that
So she slammed the door in Granddad face
I remember being scared, and confused,
About this family feud
So, I hid under the table, and prayed to God
for the screaming and shouting to stop
For several weeks all my Nana did was pray and prayed
And all Granddad done was burn her pots and pans
Boiling water and making coffee.
Nana told the neighbors, that those harlots with a trail
For a rear end, could cause a man to climb,
a mountain without his proper gears
That statement still baffles me until this day.
Until many years later when I met my mother half sister
the spit and image of my mother.
however, she had the very spirit and expression of my Granddad
so much for eave dropping and family affairs
Categories:
rear end, dedication,
Form:
Free verse
Slow motion memories.
Street lit like a movie set,
outside the dance hall.
Muffler-less cars,
full throttle, then eerily quiet.
Self willed machines idling along the street,
flooding the night; flashing eyeballs,
headlining teenage girls.
A sashaying crush; glancing, giggling,
disdainful in stinging beehives,
plastic jackets, high gloss paint and oily pants.
Cruising crass flash
false virility in high gloss paint.
James Dean on Sunset Strip.
Hands on the stick shift; giving themselves the gears.
skinny boys glancing in the mirror, where dice and kewpie dolls hang,
squinting at astigmatisms of Steve McQueen on hunk steroids.
Nervous to fingered combs slink through their hair,
checking out the rear end drive,
outside the dance hall on a Friday night.
A curly haired boy,
red faced brother of my best friend, never owned a car,
pushes forward in the street,
to talk with sister and friends.
Asked a girl for a kiss.
Too easily dismissed.
In the science lab; class dismissed.
Counters gleam grade A sterility.
Chemicals stare coldly from spotless beakers.
Put his mouth over the gas jet.
A curly haired boy,
going nowhere on a Friday afternoon.
Categories:
rear end, angst, dance, death of
Form:
Free verse
Rough desperate cowgirl Etta,
Really should have known better,
When she finally got a boyfriend
She quickly branded his rear end,
He surely did live to regret her.
Categories:
rear end, humorous,
Form:
Limerick
Magic Ring
(Limerick Suite)
One time there was an sour puss old king
he was wearing a big magic ring
tried to perform a trick
he was not very slick
ring lost its sparkle wouldn't do a thing
Now to play the fiddle was his goal
he tried to play the fiddle with soul
playing many foul notes
sounded like old farting goats
but the king thought he was on a roll
He liked country music very much
loved to hold the ladies in a clutch
a two step he did good
he would hallo and hoot
fell on his rear-end dropping his crutch
The Queen got hold of his magic ring
she called him a wild crazy old king
told him she had enough
keep his hands of her crotch
Queen used magic ring gave him a sting
Screaming in great pain the king did fold
begged the queen to stop he'll do as told
got back his magic ring
he gave the queen a sting
now they live happy, got very old
Erich J. Goller
copyright 9.26.2010
Categories:
rear end, funny, old, magic, old,
Form:
Limerick
Are Best Won
Found football for fools
With their ridiculous rules
Different thoughts of schools.
Mules sure are stubborn
Must hit again and again
In of course rear end.
Football have to boot
As I sit like an old coot
Loudly have to hoot.
Super Bowl just won
Whole team will sit in the sun
Now they are best one
James Thomas Horn
Retired Veteran
Categories:
rear end, sports,
Form:
Haiku
The Dogs we called Family
Tara came first and then there was Ben,
When both of them died we said never again.
Then Sam the runner, got killed in the street,
Prince came and went quick, we didn't know he was sick.
He came from a farm where distemper was rife,
Took him to the vet where he ended his life.
One year had to pass to get our house clear,
Without a mutt there, it seemed without cheer.
One day I was out and the Pound I happened to pass,
I doubled back and I looked through the glass.
Inside I walked, many dogs ignoring my stare,
Until one at the end looked up at me square,
Sat on her haunches both paws outstretched.
She's the one, I knew, so my family I fetched.
I said nothing to them of the dog I had seen,
When they saw the same one I knew they were keen.
The dog was due for the jab that very hour,
To save her life now was in our power, you see.
We paid the fee for her life, Our Lucy was free.
She was the new member added to our family of four,
She lived with us and loved us for 19 years more.
While she was with us we had another to add,
Along came Jamie the Yorkie,he was a bit of a lad.
Like Ben he stayed near ten years and sadly passed.
Lucy died of old age, we said it's time to give in.
Our Garden Cemetery of loved ones was full to the brim.
To Cyprus we came to retire and live in the sun,
Of a dog in the family we didn't want one.
Then a visit to Larnaca was to change our life again,
Because along came Lexi to start it all over again.
She was soon followed by Levi, he was a lively one,
Then came Eli, the whirlwind and pain in the bum.
So from just us two forever as we'd planned,
Now we were five and life was once again grand.
A sad day loomed we had no idea of what was to come,
Levi was walking wrong so we took him to the vet
He had hurt his spine, as bad as it could get.
His rear end gave out and could not be reversed.
He was paralyzed, and getting steadily worse.
The love he gave us in his life reduced us to tears.
The vet said it's time he confirmed our worst fears.
We let him go to where he could romp with all the rest,
All the dogs in our family, they were the best.
With Tara and Ben, Jamie,Charlie the Pinscher and Lucy too
Neo the Collie and Big Ben & Storm the Rottweilers two,
Newfoundland Curtis and Demon the Chow,
All Pals together, in the Big Kennel now.
© Dave Timperley May 5th 2016
Categories:
rear end, dog, heartbreak, love hurts,
Form:
Epitaph