Best Phone Book Poems
Got a wild hair and found a younger woman
did I.
Took a trip oh howtime did fly.
I wake up she already ran three miles.
Going eighty down the interstate.
she's doing more than playing
with the dials.
Last night in the sack.
She turned into a gymnast and
almost broke my back.
Now im looking through the phone book
begging her ex boyfriend to take up the slack.
If there ever was a foutian of youth I wish
sombody would pour me a cup.
Cause im having a hell of a time keepin up.
For the first time I gotta chick askin hey you
asleep?
Gonna change my name to Dracula
with the hours I keep.
Took her to the track and she out ran a horse.
Some guy looked to me and asked.
You gonna take her to the derby?
To which I replied of course.
One night she asked wouldnt this be great to do forever?
Hit the ground running.
Saying baby I gotta check the weather.
You know this old dog just aint no young
pup.
I might be on oxygen and in a electric wheelchair.
But im keepin up.
I'm writing a phone book ... can I have your number?
04~30~15
In my chair, atop an old phone book,
I sat as proud as can be.
My first time at the grownup table,
surrounded by company.
I lifted the edge of the table cloth,
and felt the smooth wood beneath.
Solid maple, hand oil rubbed,
I counted eight chairs underneath.
Earlier that day, I heard Gram exclaim,
"It's time to stretch that table."
So, off Grandpa went to the attic,
while Gram toiled over pots and kettles.
Then I watched as Grandpa and Mom,
pulled the table sections out of their sleeves.
You knew it was a special occasion,
when Grandpa put in the table leaves.
Placement: 3rd
For the contest; "Leaves"
Sponsored by Carol Brown
Crime is a real problem in Jamaica
Hundreds are dead, there's no solution to the problem
Even the police are giving up ...the police commissioner has resigned ...sir trust me, no one man can solve this problem...you did your best
In the meantime, we are still counting bodies
We hear the cries but ...no solutions
We only can call on God now
The problem started long before our time, when garrison politics was the order of the day
Few are educated
No real opportunities
The big man distributing guns in the inner city
Young men smoking weed on the corner
Pregnant teenagers
Women selling themselves for a few dollars
No father in the house and our men still believe they should have" gal in a bungle "
Where is the church in all of this? busy talking about the cover of a phone book and nothing on crime ...seriously
We can't win the war on crime until we win the war in the family, we need real role models, we need real men …yes MEN
The truth is until we start teaching our men to be responsible we will never win the war on crime
until it's at our front door before we get serious
When our women stop washing bloody clothing for their gun men son and mate
Yes, we all need to stop accepting bull **** before all this will end
Until then we will continue to count bodies, when will it end, when the society start taking responsibility
What to do with no cell phone or computer for a day....
Sit at home, be bummed how things didn't go your way?
Or go outside and play like it's your last day?
What to do with no cell phone or computer for a week...
Would you keep up with friends and family?
Or stay home and play solitaire, indulge in your inner geek?
What to do with no cell phone or computer for a month...
Get in less car accidents
Have better relationships,
Gain patience,
Keep plans with those you love,
Have fewer bills,
Buy a phone book,
Buy a Camera,
Buy a CD player,
Be more creative,
Minus the styles,
If I could turn back time to the 80s,
I'd make efficiency experts eat their own greed gravy,
How much sweeter life would be.
I looked everywhere for a phone book
I think there's little chance I'll find one
My smart phone says to call 411
I think these books will now be extinct
If you see one have a good look
No reason now to print all those names
I can't believe they have all vanished
To find under stepped message refer to my Understepping one or two
for directions.
Inspired by Becca, I hope you like it. I can't resist a challenge*lol*
Every poet worth their sault
Every teacher and professor declare you will prove to be as dense as a London fog
Using clichés
But I think clichés make it clear as the nose on your face
That there are things as beautiful as the day is long
And as far as the eye can see
As many to enjoy as there are chins in a Chinese phone book
So my advice to young writers,
From time to time abandon the ship USS Proper Expression
Be above board
Do an about face
Make clear as a bell
That a rose by any other name does still smell as sweet
That absence still makes the heart grow founder
Airing dirty laundry is a no no
And if you must have an ace up your writer's sleeve
Let it be a cliché!
Armadilly Billy needed repair work on the home, as he wanted to move in.
Asking around Troll Lake Town, the answer was Leavit, again and again.
A bit confused, he needed repairs; he couldn’t leave it, like they said, therein.
So he picked up the Acme phone book, and understanding, then, did begin.
It said: Levit T. Beaver for the best woodwork, to be found, anywhere around.
The rumor was: he was once a movie star, before retiring to Troll Lake Town.
He had the scruffiest crew, Billy had ever seen, inept in absolutely, everything.
Called: The Muskrat Gang, they were tied up in chains, yes, the whole shebang.
Doing time for trying to blow up Leavit’s dam, yep, a real, live, chain gang, bound.
Tho, they were really chained up, to stop them, from aimlessly scurrying all, around.
He thought to give them purpose, before he was through, and a new profession, too.
After they tried to empty Troll Lake, to scoop out all the fish, on one crazy afternoon.
What they got was better, as Leavit tried to teach them work, with all kinds of wood.
He stopped them, and saved some mice, lost in a boat, on the lake, on that day, too.
Oddly, love blossomed between Leavit and one of the mice, her name was Mary Ann.
He was lucky in love, as the other mice decided, to rent rooms, to stay, on his island.
Though he had to admit that Gilligan, Skipper, and the other mice WERE a tad, strange.
And as for the Muskrat Gang, well, they seemed, to pretty much, stay unchanged.
After serving their time, Levit T. Beaver, offered to hire them, to help him clean up.
All their scurrying, was perfect for this, as he paid them in their most, beloved fish.
With the Chains gone, a job and home found, they discovered crime did not pay.
So my Moral, my friend, is that in the end… Crime is Never the Way!
My middle aged spread sure is spreading
Right before my very eyes
My tush is the size of a hippo
And I dare not mention my thighs
My once pert boobies have gone south
They were once like ripe juicy fruit
Now they're dangling towards my knees
So no one sees me in my birthday suit!
I’ve more chins than the Chinese phone book
In fact I look like a little fat Buddha
I’d considered having cosmetic surgery … but
Some of the celebrity pictures sure me shudder!
Fiction poem for fun
10-09-17
FIRE, FIRE
The house is burning round me,
There’s no time to hang about.
Just enough for me to get
A few essentials out.
First, up to the bathroom
To collect my medications.
To a lifelong hypochondriac,
They’re vital preparations.
Next, the photo albums;
I just can’t let them burn.
My life recorded through a lens,
Through every twist and turn.
The car is parked close to the house;
I’m afraid it might explode.
So I have to find the car keys,
To move it down the road.
My fire insurance policy
Covers such a fate.
I’d better take that with me,
To prove it’s up to date.
I have to take my cell phone;
It’s full if information.
A phone book and a Filofax,
My life’s organisation.
I’ve put my warmest coat on,
Although the weather’s sunny.
Well, my wallet’s in the pocket,
Full of credit cards and money.
And, lastly, my computer,
To keep me in the loop,
And make sure I can enter
This poem in Poetry Soup.
Haiku Licentioso
('They who quaff this cup shall see god
and The Magdalen')
with the *powder
that goes in the tea
comes the instructions:
''dump into the brew
mix salaciously
drink licentiously
and feel like a libertine''
''caution's for the birds
toss the birds back into the leaves
grab a broom
aim for and dip on the dance floor,
docido,
and mix salaciously
drink licentiously
feel like a libertine''
''noon's for stealing shade
afternoons for sawing logs
nights for stealing even deeper
and dawn for burning rubber
out of jail mate hell (or heaven),
so mix salaciously
drink licentiously
and cuss on your knees
like a libertine''
''love's for the blind
hatred for the weak
and bravery for the mad,
mix salaciously
drink licentiously
and ask for rebates on living
like a libertine''
''file for Chapter 11 on your intellect
strip-tease for bees
perjure yourself to bears
read *********** in leaves of the tea
and yellow journalism in your pee,
mix salaciously
drink licentiously
and celebrate like a libertine''
''acknowledge god in the tax code
the 1-800 goddess in the phone book
chase your mother-in-law down the street
catch yourself tripping over your dreams
plagiarize your nightmares,
and mix salaciously
drink licentiously
and hiccup like a libertine -
- for missing the bus
is half the fun
unless it's a disease you catch
your dog lies down with fleas
arises with a bladder-full
while divorce doesn't quite pay the bills,
so mix salaciously
drink licentiously
and go the way of all flesh and blood
like a libertine Ph. D.''
* (hibiscus-flavored rose hip tea added to regular tea)
In another time, I will not be there for you,
Me, a stranger all but twice your age and a man.
The only one in the sea of all humanity that you could see
To help you keep your sanity
And give you back some faith so you could dare to hope once more.
With courage fading fast,
Your young lady's troubles you laid in the lap of a stranger
And a man all but twice your age.
The desperation in both voice and eyes,
Your faith in me, your last hope standing,
All cried out to me to show some kind of humanity.
With the one who helped get you in this state plotting,
And conspiring with those who gave you life, to pressure you
To desecrate your womb and burden you with all the guilt.
I did the least a stranger and a man all but twice your age could do,
By looking up a phone book to find someone at the local hospital,
With more Knowledge than me,
Someone not a stranger to the needs of a young lady all but half my age,
To better free you from any guilt or shame, no matter what your decision.
I am still glad I was there for you.
But in another time where the soul in humanity,
Will be but a whisper away,
I will not be there for you.
It will be someone with no need to shy away from giving you that
Hug I withheld from you.
I found out later that you still had issues and hope was all but gone.
That hug I withheld from you now an indictment on society in this time
I still weep for you and the hole in humanity.
There are trolls within my basement. My hubby says its OK they stay.
Most think they’re really mean and dumb, just like the legends say.
But they don’t know them from within, as I have learned to do.
Tho I love to teach them daily, to keep them gently occupied, it’s true.
Last week they discovered mythical creatures, as I happily taught them some.
Like: winged lions, griffins, Minotaurs, Centaurs, etcetera, and also Gnomes.
Here, they discovered the most amazing thing… that a lion can have wings.
So they decided, it was time; they should get some of those very same things.
At first they tried to make them, but to no avail, in their basement nook.
Next came Acme Triple A Witches straight out of the old phone book.
When ask what kind of wings… their unhindered minds chose the butterfly.
When you stop laughing. I’ll tell you, this turned into a really great look to try.
No worry, they won’t be hurt, or even able to fly… on this they’ll never gloat.
They forgot to ask for the buoyancy, to allow their heavy bodies to fly or float.
But this didn’t deter them, as they ran, and leaped in endless, wishful, spurts.
Good really did come of this though, as my flowers are now tended by experts.
A few have started decorating all they find with beautiful flowery treats.
And some find food is not complete, without a few flowers on top of it to eat.
But, by far the best result was when one winged troll set up a fancy flower shop.
He married the lady right next door, who runs “The Happy Nectar” Sweet- Shop.
Donkeys are never carried
Hens never miscarry
Cows don’t hutch
Pointing fingers, the norm
A person killed by his persona
My ego shadows my vision
My fault lines… eyelided by ignorance
Ego contesting with my vision
Mission straying from vission
Literaly a juvenilled dead man walking
Unconsciously delayed my blessings
Forgot my bridal vows
To dine in my fathers house
Thinner and thinner I grow everyday
‘’Forgot’’ to eat the daily bread
Been full of boos and roasted meat
The last time I remember
I Turned down a date with Christ
Our wedding has no guests
He said its my failure to invite guests
Our home will be boring
No value no guests no music
Forgot time in his house,
Met a new lover
He showed me how to spend
How to pass time
Apparently the ten commandments
Just cock block fun
Even Drunk dad knew the church
Mama cries every day in prayer
Used to feel the pain…
Soul Numbness been imminent
With time I lost his number
When I needed him
He was not on my phone book
My new boyfriend Lucifer
Well let’s say he left with everything he brought
Just got a message that he was passing by
My friend batimayo called loudly
So will I
I will bow down and remind him
Of how beautiful I was
I will do my lashes for him
He took lashes for me
Manicure pedicure tone my face in foundation
He is the firm foundation
Prepare a meal for him
Not bread a surprise meal
I know he will come with the daily bread
Invite some guests over
I know they need to see him
Wait for him
I know he will pass by
I mean He can’t forget us
Our smiles our miracles
Our fellowships
How we used to blend perfectly
I know him he is soft hearted
He will restore me
I know
He can’t just pass two people gathered in his fellowship
He promised me that
My illusion is fading as life slips away
Like a snake sheds its skin that gets lost though each day
Still begins with a sunrise, of course! I awake,
Life's past lessons less certain, though I may yet break
Bread with friends (the survivors I'm able to reach!)
But does this give life meaning? There's little to teach
I have confidence in (might this poem be Sin?)
We pray Tully Fog's lifting (though none can divine.)
With the driver's door open, I trust centerline,
Yes, there's pavement beneath us, but snail's pace seems fast
And the progress we dream of, in fact, may not last.
Now I can't find your number in any phone book
That cell phones decimated! But now I don’t look
There, again and again! Life evolving, I ken.
Might life's greatest illusion be we are in charge?
Am I more than a tug boat that's pushing trash barge
Against God-awful currents (with tides in the mix?)
Now diseases post tides. Show man's Science Your fix
For the crowding we know now, the gases we spew
Out the tailpipes of livestock, exhausts of cars too!
Help creation keep pace with man's need for more space!
Aged are burdens on health care, a tax on their young,
While the gifts parents give youth go pretty unsung!
If each child’s born a sinner, may Love scorn to teach
The enlightened self-interest (some seem to preach!)
Though our children give hope, give us leading that sprouts,
Blesses fruit of our loins! Don't let flood bequeath droughts.
Grant earth souls that still praise You from halcyon days.
Long Tooth
April 21st in 2020