Best Funnydance Poems
Some men dance hoping for a romance
Some men dance keeping fit of their pants
but the dance most obscene
is the dance made to glean
from your clothes a mad horde of fire ants
For John and Carolyn's Bug contest
"Hey my boy, dance or die,"
I heard as the shots rang out.
He was shooting at me without any doubt.
I didn't know whether to dance or try!
I wanted to live so I started to dance.
There were some mean cowboys in this town,
and they knew how to party and get down.
So I knew I'd better dance and not take a chance.
The girls could see how well I could dance.
Pretty little fillies from way out West.
It turned out that they wanted to be my guest.
And so they lined up, each and every one, to get their chance.
*Written for Barbara Gorelick's "May I Have This Dance?" contest
We have a small pooch Zoe and there’s this dance she does
When the bathrooms steamy, the tubs all sudsy and drains is fill with fuzz
First, she gets these crazy eyes while the soap drips from her ears
Then her body starts to shake as she’s turned toward the mirror
Rinsed and toweled she pokes out her head from her little mummy’s tomb
And when she sees just how she looks excitement fills the room
She explodes just like a rocket propelled toward the sky
Then she runs and wags and rolls around and we laugh until we cry
She turns upside down and does somersaults like a circus acrobat
Then she spazzes out and climbs the walls like a naked crazy cat
Her tawny coat, soft and sweet, looks like a porcupine
And her graceful flag-like tail looks quite electrified
So, I ask my family, why she it is does this deranged dance
Its like she thinks her death is near and getting dry in her last chance
She discombobulates her body ‘til each last hair is dry
Then finally she settles down thinking she may have just survived
And she looks at me so lovingly with her kinky tossled mess
And I smile at her with my whole heart knowing her dance is the best.
There once was a town called Ballbarrybaroo
The people who lived there had only one shoe
This made it quite hard to go dancing you see
Their poor aching toes were as blue as could be
Each time that their partner would shuffle or slide
The shoe on their foot wasn’t on the right side
And their poor little toes that were open and bare
Got stepped on each time that the music would blare
Then into the town came a stranger one day
And he helped the Ballbarrybaroosers this way
The next time they gathered inside for a dance
He saw what the problem was there at a glance
The stranger then had them remove their one shoe
And dance in their socks for a number or two
The Ballbarrybaroosers thought this was quite neat
To dance all about without hurting their feet
And that dearest friend’s how the sock hop was born
In Ballbarrybaroo on a Saturday morn
Now surely you would not doubt all that I say
For it truly did happen exactly that way
Some people just don't get it
And forget things way too soon
So I'll explain just one more time
About the hillbilly honeymoon
We don't have shotgun weddings
Not like they used to do
We invite our family not kinfolk
Just like the rest of you
Our families are never feuding
Like the Hatfields and Mcoys
We don't all live in the boondocks
Like the hillbilly name employs
It's a wedding dance not hoedown
And we never dance in a square
We eat food not vittles
And we always plenty to share
We never marry our cousins
At least not where I'm from
'Cept the ones on Jerry Springer
Those folks are just plain dumb
All our women still have their teeth
They don't keep them in a jar
Don't call our houses broken-down shacks
Cause that's just going too far
I've told you about our weddings
And I hope to see you soon
The rest I'll leave to your imagination
About the hillbilly honeymoon
I am wondrous!
A sane person thinks me mad.
Ha! But then again, the insane
will think I am sane.
I have fooled all of them.
I have even fooled myself.
Which is not easy.
Considering I am so intelligent. Yes?
Last night the dancing was....Ahhhhh!
Given the company there.
A boring little affair.
I invited myself to.
Well, up until Ansel swooned when
he spied a bug....dead...on his
half eaten cake.
All eyes were on him.
I can be such a Pixie at times.
He never saw me as I came
up behind and plopped the poor bug on.
Oh, but the music.
Exquisite to my ears. I heard
every not. Preternatural hearing
is such a grand thing to have.
Young Miss Silversmyte did come
to dance with me twice.
Such a lovely throat. Had I not
eaten early on, she would have made
a sweet treat.
Oh, but how I danced.
Not a step was out of place.
I was superb.
Several dance partners I had.
Why. They were waiting in line.
I think I am drunk on my
own grace and powers.
The sun is coming.
"Tis time for me to retreat,
and sleep the sleep of the dead.
I wonder. Do I dream?
There I was after a couple of beers
On the dance floor with the crowd’s cheers
I was dancing a jig that was new and cool
But didn’t know my zip was open and out hung Peter O’toole
The crowd surrounded me and edged me on
While my bits were moving rhythmically to the song
And when I did the limbo
The eyes bulged on this bimbo
The song seemed to be long
But I kept on dancing strong
And when I was getting tired
The song ended with me in a back spin stopping with my legs open wide
The girls were hugging me and there were hugs all round
Till Glen, my imaginary friend said Sid look down
Me bits were hanging out, red and raw
From the continuous friction with the floor
I casually walked off the dance floor with my Guinness beer stout
That’s the last time I drank and ever went out