Best Funnycar Poems
As the December portion of life's treacherous journey arrives,
We tend to contemplate things that have happened in our lives.
Strange that we can recall events that occurred fifty years ago,
But now can't remember what day it is, adding to our woe!
Writing notes to ourselves regarding things that must be done,
We forget where we put them, leaving many things undone.
Tying a string around the finger to remind us of our obligations,
We wonder what it's doing there, adding to our frustrations!
Where the car was left in the parking lot is anybody's guess;
To find it is akin to the Israelites wandering the wilderness.
We misplace the house and car keys, causing panic untold,
But that's just another cross we must bear for growing old!
Going to another room to do something, our steps we retrace,
Having forgotten what we went there for in the first place.
Running amok searching for lost glasses causes us much dread;
Usually they can be found perched upon the top of our head!
Those dreaded senior moments are part of growing old, I suppose,
But if I may, here is something that I would like to propose:
Well, I declare, I forgot what it was I was going to say;
Maybe I'll think of it later to suggest another day!
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) All Rights Reserved
I went to the store with
My cousin and sister in the car
Wanted to do a little shopping
But didn't get very far
As we reached the store we got out
The car but I only had one shoe
She had a hole in the floor of the car
My shoe must have just fell right through
I had to limp to the store
And buy a pair of slippers
This was just to funny
To my cousin and sister
I was so confused I didn't know what to do
All I know is that I got in That car with two shoes
I tell you no lie this story is true
Where oh where is my other shoe
Whatever you say, Dear
Do you have a skinny rear?
Do you sing country songs and cry in your beer?
Does your car stay in the same gear?
Is your car hard to steer?
Do you like me whispering sweet nothings in your ear?
When someone does something wrong do you jeer?
When you get hurt do you have a tear?
When something horrible happens do you have fear?
At dusk does the day seem drear?
At a football game do you cheer?
Do you go fishing off a pier?
Have you ever been to a seer?
When a song is sung, is it the words or melody you hear?
Do you think much about your career?
If you don't do these things is it *****?
Well don't veer!
Help will appear!
It will be this year!!
Whatever you say, Dear!!!!!!
*Written for Francine Roberts "Whatever you say, Dear" contest
Some cars and a truck are moving on a mountain road.
The truck driver at the rear is toting a large load.
Suddenly, there’s a speeding car coming from somewhere.
It misses a turn, and goes flying into the air.
It falls and crashes at the bottom of the mountain.
The driver of the car is found to be an old man.
The vehicles stop, then each driver descends to aid
the injured man who lies outside his car very staid.
When they reach him, the dying man has a confession
about a large sum of money in his possession.
Three hundred and fifty thousand dollars in money
was stolen some years before in a bank robbery.
Buried near a big “W” where only he knows,
he tells them all where to find it just before he goes.
It can be found in a park in Santa Rosita.
It’s a town located in Southern California.
The location of the money is an unsolved case.
Soon, the police arrive to ask questions at the place.
All of them deny knowing what the old man had said.
They keep it a secret now that the old man is dead.
Although they agree to divide the buried money,
they all could not decide how to share it evenly.
Nothing was decided that would be equitable,
so the greedy persons dash out on a mad scramble.
Each one gets back in their vehicles to move that day
and be the first one to the treasure that’s far away.
The police now track the people wherever they go.
The law suspects they know the location of the dough.
Detective Captain Culpepper working on this case
obtains information about each one in their place.
Some strange predicaments are a result of this chase.
There are many funny situations they will face.
Based on the 1963 film "It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad, World"
Pacing up and down, finally I yell
are we ever going to do this?
yeah, yeah, hold your horses
I’m coming he screams…
eventually he appears
dressed in a black jeans
and white tight fitted shirt
with bulges in all the right places…
gob smacked, eyes wide,
mouth hanging open
uhm where did you say
we’re going again?
to a friend’s birthday party he says
err, so you’re going dressed like that? I ask
finding it difficult to close my mouth, still in shock…
Yep he say’s while grabbing the car keys,
as he makes his way to the door…
but you never dressed like this before
why now? I asked while running after him
the view from behind is even better
I have a sudden urge to touch his bum
half distracted I almost walk into him..
why not? Is his retort as he opens
the car door for me…
I feel tempted to touch him in a non buddy way…
Uhm do you think I’m overdress? I ask
While fluttering my eyelashes …
nah you look stunning, he says
as he pulls out of the driveway…
still unsure what to make of the man next to me
he seems like a stranger
when did I lose my best friend?
My eyes has finally opened
my best buddy has grown up,
he became a man,
a hot blooded male at that…
what is a girl to do?
pretend not to notice
or make a play for him
before we hit the party,
before the vultures come out to play….
MY FIRST CAR
Years ago when I was younger,
So I'd not be so encumbered,
Wil decided that a car,
Would solve our problems near and far.
A run about was what I needed,
So transportation was not impeded,
When he had to go to work,
And I clung to him like a dirty shirt.
"Let me keep the car today,
I'll pick you up without delay.
When day is done and you're ready for home,
I won't leave you waiting there all alone."
But when day was over sure enough,
He'd wait and he'd wait by the curb with his stuff;
So he bought me a car at a used car lot,
Dependable and not costing a lot.
I loved it, adored it, I gave it a name.
So pretty and feminine, I called her Elaine.
Gold was her color, interior brown,
Easy on gas, I drove all over town.
To work and to school and the grocery store,
A gem of a car, could not ask for more.
Then one fine day in downtown traffic,
A man in a Dodge hit my cute little Maverick.
He knocked her right off her two front wheels.
I couldn't believe it, my senses reeled.
She died on the spot, I cried and cried,
"You killed my car!" "It's okay," he sighed.
The police arrived and I told them my story,
How he came out of nowhere, the details were gorey.
"He murdered my car!" I told them again,
"It was never alive." he said with a grin.
"It was a machine so it cannot be dead."
"It won't move again, so it's dead", I said.
All through the years I still feel the same,
About the man who murdered Elaine.
He came out of nowhere in a big Dodge truck,
Knocked her right off her wheels, that big dumb cluck.
So now when buying a car I endeavor,
I say,"Down with Dodge!" and "Ford Forever!"
Judy Ball
For Carol Brown's My First Car Contest
Daddy locked the car doors and really let one rip
He did this half a dozen time on an Arizona trip
He’d smile as we all suffered from that bean-based lethal shot
Not in silence did I suffer, but in silence I did plot
Many years have come and gone with my daddy unaware
That I’d be saving something deep inside that I would someday share
Then just the other evening over drinks and dining out
While visiting the restroom, I knew without a doubt
Tonight would be the night that daddy got his due
When once again he locked the doors, I’d say “this one’s for you”
So I whispered to my mother, tonight I saved a fart
That I’ll be giving to my daddy before the car can start
Before he can engage the key and roll the window down
I’ll unleash a deadly one that will knock him to the ground
So daddy, unsuspecting, got in and locked the door
And silently I smiled, relaxed; and let one roar
Daddy started gagging, clasped his hand upon his heart
And me, I sat there laughing and said “I saved that fart”
It’s been bottled up inside me from that Arizona trip
And thinking back upon those days, I let another rip
Then gagging, laughing, crying, sweet revenge was had
The day I finally got the chance to save a fart for Dad!
Of course this was based on an actual series of events – some of the details may
have been enhanced for your reading pleasure.
Where is the gas intake?
By Elton Camp
Hiding the gas intake is a car marker’s delight
They might even manage to put it out of sight
At one time, it was hid behind the license plate
But the companies put it on the side here of late
Although whether the opening is right or left
In many cars of this simple fact you’re bereft
Why can’t the makers give customers a surprise
And its location agree that they’ll standardize?
Very few families own just one car anymore
It has become common to have three or four
Almost every time I pull into the filling station
I find am uncertain of the gas inlet’s location
If next to the pump is the wrong side of the car,
It’s most unlikely the hose will stretch that far
So there’s nothing I can do but sigh and frown
I get into the car and laboriously turn it around
Some cars now have an arrow below the gauge
So as to spare their customers needless rage
As great as the cost of their infernal machine
That feature is one that should always be seen
My first car was a '67 Deville
I really thought I was cool
Til everybody started laughing at me
When I drove that thing to school
Then I bought a used taxi cab
With the sign still on the side
But everybody kept waving me down
So I finally got rid of that ride
I was still in high school back in 1979
When I bought me a pick-up truck
You could see the road thru the floor board
So when it rained I was out of luck
I ended up with Volkswagon bug
And, well, I'm 6 foot 3
So, you can probably read between the lines
It was a little too small for me
I was considered a ladies man
Well, until my car got there
Then I was cursed with the shampoo bug
They remembered they had to wash their hair
I didn't have much luck with women
But the good Lord knows I tried
I guess that's the end of my story
So tell me, what was your first ride
The Car Salesman’s Dream
By Elton Camp
It had been hard a customer to spot
At Honest Uncle Bill’s Used Car lot
But right then, a better car to acquire,
Came Freddie the impulsive buyer
“A newer car I want to get today,
Please pick me out one right away.”
The lot owner had one two years old
It was one that much needed to be sold
“How about the white one over there?”
Freddie: “That one’s fine. I don’t care.
Get it ready for me to take home today.
Let’s go in to your office and I’ll pay.”
“But just how much do you want to spend?”
Freddie: “You know the price, my friend.
You may charge whatever it is you will.
I am sure that I can trust my Uncle Bill.”
“But are you certain it’s the one to take?”
Freddie: “It has power steering and brake?
I’m sure a good car’s all you have for sale.
I don’t really care about any other detail.”
An extended warranty Freddie bought
He accepted the offer without thought
Fifteen percent financing he found fair
Only about the payment did he care
And as Freddie slowly drove away,
The salesman let out a big “Horray”
Then he felt his wife give him a jerk
Bill, you better get up and go to work.”
You once dragged five cops to my house,
bursting out laughing as I hid like a mouse,
plucked in the wings like a poisoned grouse.
You were drenched, wearing one shoe,
looking as if you fell in the stew,
tossing a shrug when you pressed on through.
I begged for a while, hoping to convey
how much your whirlwind stirred disarray
all over my clandestine survival foray.
You coughed a chortle behind bloodshot eyes,
a true kindred soul I could never despise,
if silence could rule as our sole compromise.
The constables proved a relentless sort
they were just dying to drag you to court,
rapping the glass as patience ran short.
Huddled in the dark, ten paranoid souls
trying to duck underneath the patrols,
liberty trumping all other goals.
With the daylight came our salvation,
freedom granting us blissful elation.
We’d survived without condemnation.
Sometime later, my slumber was stirred,
open my eyes to a scene most absurd:
your car perched on the fence like a bird!
Half in the bag, you tried digging out,
frustrated curses pointing your shout
toward my weary door without doubt.
I laughed as I rolled back to sleep,
amazed you racked your car so steep
topping that snow bluff like a heap.
Car For Sale by Owner
By Elton Camp
With a used car dealer’s unsavory reputation
The ad, “For sale by owner” is a temptation
But if you decide to go this route, take care
Remember the caution, “Let the buyer beware”
In such a case there’s not any implied guarantee
If it breaks down at once, it’s out of luck you be
The owner says that, “Once a week it was used”
But not that his teenage son the car badly abused
A superficial look and you might not suspect
That five times the car was in a major wreck
And last time, the car was fixed by his brother
Front from one car and the back from another
If the seller mentions he’s active in his church
Get ready to be cheated and left in the lurch
So buy a car from an individual if you must
But always verify and never ever dare to trust
Daddy locked the car doors and really let one rip
He did this half a dozen time on an Arizona trip
He’d smile as we all suffered from that bean-based lethal shot
Not in silence did I suffer, but in silence I did plot
Many years have come and gone with my daddy unaware
That I’d be saving something deep inside that I would someday share
Then just the other evening over drinks and dining out
While visiting the restroom, I knew without a doubt
Tonight would be the night that daddy got his due
When once again he locked the doors, I’d say “this one’s for you”
So I whispered to my mother, tonight I saved a fart
That I’ll be giving to my daddy before the car can start
Before he can engage the key and roll the window down
I’ll unleash a deadly one that will knock him to the ground
So daddy, unsuspecting, got in and locked the door
And silently I smiled, relaxed; and let one roar
Daddy started gagging, clasped his hand upon his heart
And me, I sat there laughing and said “I saved that fart”
It’s been bottled up inside me from that Arizona trip
And thinking back upon those days, I let another rip
Then gagging, laughing, crying, sweet revenge was had
The day I finally got the chance to save a fart for Dad!
My wife came home with a big Cheshire cat smile
“I changed the car tyre, “I done it” “It took me a while.”
“Good for you,” I said.
Big deal I thought and want to bed.
Next morning I woke up early for my business trip,
Rushed out the door, thought I’d gave breakfast a skip.
Down route 66 been travelling for some time,
Mentally working on my poetry rhyme.
Then a funny thing flies past my car, letting out a squeal,
Some poor sod has lost a bloody wheel.
I look in the rear view while sipping tea from my cup,
Awaiting to see a massive car pile up.
Then for some reason my eyes dart to the ash tray, and there between the butts
Six shinny new wheel nuts.
Well it took three hours to cut me out of the wreck
All I suffered was a slight concussion, bruised ribs, two broken arms and a stiff neck.
So here I lay with the pen between my teeth
Writing this poem on the paper beneath.
Oh if you see my wife, tell her hubby said,
The next time I see her she’s bloody dead.
Driving up
Waiting in line
Squinting to see
The tiny writing
On the large menu
Rolling down your window
Shouting into the microphone a mile away
Giving the teenager your order
Listening while they repeat it
Yelling again to correct them
Pulling up behind what seems like a billion cars
Waiting for minutes as the car behind you honks like it's your fault
Getting annoyed with the person in front of you
Finally pulling up to the small window
Paying the teenager with the change you've had ready since you ordered
Pulling your food into the car
Realizing you didn't ask for barbeque sauce
Asking for some more
Waiting as the car behind you inches closer
Finally getting your barbeque sauce
Rolling your window up
Pulling out of the drive-thru line
Taking ten minutes to drive home
Walking into your kitchen
Dropping everything but your greasy bag and soda
Pulling out the food
Letting out a sigh of.... wait where is the ketchup?