Best Fiver Poems
Lyrics start 0.05 - timed to the music
Pack your bags dear, there’s a Croc near
And he’s creeping, through the night
With his eye on - on our old stead dear
And it appears - we’re within his sight
You know when that Croc smiles - shows his teeth dear
Concrete jungles start to spread
Whips the grass from right under their feet dear
Scams now filling, each word he’s said
What no scruples you ask, well he ain’t got’em you should know
Seeks locations both, far and wide
Look he’s sneaking - sneaking down the alley
Is there no - place - left to hide
Another Archway, off the highway down the road
Golden handshakes, don’t go the mile
Men in black suits they make it all happen dear
Sanguine red soon, turns into bile
With our kids dear – it’s the buzz 'we gotta go'
Family meeting place, just come on down
Try these milk shakes - they're just like the real thing
And these burgers, the best in town
Bet you a fiver - oh that bun is barely fresh
Kids now falling sick - while their doctors frown
Green backs talking – they don’t give a nickel
Have our bags packed
‘Cause the Croc is
Look out Sneaky Croc is
Sneaky Croc’s back
Back in town
EPILOGUE
Oh these outlets they keep spreading far and wide
In a hurry, they just can’t wait
Food so tasty, don’t you wonder ‘bout it all
No time to ponder it’ll make you late
Good old family name – so familiar dear
Look out folks for, deceit and lies
Another archway - around the corner
Now that Croc is stopping by
Look out OLD Croc is back
Footnote:
On our recent visit to Japan I noticed the proliferation of Fast Food outlets. It is such a pity to see a country that was once so fastidious with their traditionally healthy diets and that of their kids, changing their lifestyle and falling prey to corporate fast food giants. Even the kids are now embracing this way of life.
It’s sad to see traditional food outlets also losing their livelihood as the trend takes over.
Acknowledgement:
My deepest appreciation to Chris Green on agreeing to spare some of his wonderful talent and collaborating with me to bring you this arrangement.
Thank you so much Chris.
Copyright © Maria Williams & Chris Green | 3 June 2017
Matt Smith, sir sonic screwdriver
Can ya lend me a fiver
Let's bet and see who wins
Him or Leno in the Battle of the Chins
Dom and Georgia caught the bus,
And boarded it without a fuss.
Although the bus was bound for school
They found the journey rather cool.
Dom leapt on and found a seat.
He opened up a pack of sweets
And turning on his MP3
Yelled “Frasier, come and sit with me!”
Georgia, being more sedate
Settled down by her best mate
And chatted as the bus drove on,
Of last night’s homework and so on.
Dom and Frasier, being boys,
Were now creating quite noise.
And as the journey seemed quite slow,
They looked around for stuff to throw.
Tutting, Georgia shook her head
Wishing she was still in bed.
She wondered should she tell her mother
All about her naughty brother.
“Lob this at Tom!” and Frasier brandished
What looked like half a moldy sandwich.
I bet you a strawberry lace
That you can’t land it on his face.
“I’ll take that bet mate!” Dom said grinning
(Through the air the bread went spinning).
“I bet you a further fiver
You’ll never throw it at the driver!”
From the back there came a shout,
As Andy gave Marie a clout.
Responding to a double dare
Jack put gum in Mary’s hair.
While tony tried to count his feet
Alice pushed him from his seat,
And as she didn’t like his look
She also ate his science book.
The driver pulled the handbrake on
And shouted to the boisterous throng
“We’re here you lot, leave me alone!
I’ll see you on the way back home.”
The Seat by the Toilet - Rob Barratt(rbarratt@cooptel.net)
Yes, the seat by the toilet’s
The best by a mile; it’s
The only seat in which to sit
In the seat by the loo
You’ve a wonderful view
Of the road (and a faint whiff of sh….)
Oh, the seat by the lav
Is the seat I must have
I can straighten my legs down the aisle
I’ve got people to smile at
As they queue for the toilet
It’s the seat for a man of my style
Now the toilet’s so clean
It’s a hygienist’s dream
So you don’t need to wait till the terminus
Rest assured that the rest room’s
Not an infested pest room
Or the habitat of something verminous
In the seat at the rear
There is nothing to fear
And your icy cold heart will just melt
There is room there to dance
Or adjust underpants
If it wasn’t for your safety belt
In the seat by the bog
You won’t sleep like a log
But it’s an en suite location, location
‘Cos if you need a poo
It’s just right next to you
And it’s yours all the way to the station
Though the seat by the privy
May get rather whiffy
When the occupants don’t shut the door
As they exit the closet
Where they’ve made their deposit
Just reach out, turn the knob, por favor
The lavatorial seat
Will not always smell sweet
But it’s clearly the one I prefer
I’ll pretend I’m the driver
And I bet you a fiver
That nobody else will sit ther (Liverpudlian pronunciation)
(sing)
Oh I do like to be
By the WC
Oh, I do like to be close beside it …………..
(speak)
I will know where you’re going
With your to-ing and fro-ing
Bowel or bladder, you know you can’t hide it
So ….. On the National Express
If your body is stressed
And you’re feeling the need to uncoil it
Make your journey complete
And head straight for that seat
Just relax and stretch out by the toilet
(sing) Oh dear, what can the matter be
I like the seat right next to the lavatory
It brings me great satisfaction and happily
Nobody else will sit there.
...The last day they rode slowly back,
still giving each other naughty looks,
a love affairs go, theirs was intense,
truly one for the record books.
Merrick hesitated to leave her side,
then Clarice looked him in the eye,
said,”I have something I have to say
before we bid farewell for good.”
“I know you probably think that we
could be a truly wonderful thing.
Much as I wish this could go on,
I know what the future brings.
I must return to responsibilities,
but thank you for making this fantasy…”
With that she reached into her coat,
and slipped on a wedding ring.
She kissed him softly on the cheek,
then drove away rather quickly.
Merrick’s mind reeled from it all,
left him feeling unsteady and sickly,
But he had a week off ahead,
and spent most of it brooding in bed,
when not sleeping he was at the bar,
sitting silent, and acting quite prickly.
But Merrick had to pay the bills,
so he pulled himself out of his slump,
went into the ranch for another tour,
hoping none would see his blue funk.
Boss said,”Got another requesting you,
paid in advanced for weeks one and two.
Show her the sights, nothing to it,
I tell you, this one’s a slam dunk!”
Merrick wasn’t really feeling it,
but he kept that to himself,
he saddled up Sun Down and High Fiver,
preparing for a two-week spell.
The job was the job, he had to go,
even if his movements were slow,
perhaps it wouldn’t be that bad,
he supposed only time would tell.
A car pulled up and out of it stepped
a platinum-haired beauty sublime,
Merrick stopped dead in his tracks,
his words he was trying to find.
She said,”Hi. My name’s Dani,
I hear you’ve got a horse for me?”
Merrick stammed,”Y-yes, I do.
Are you ready for a good time…”
Hark there kind sir, what brings you here?
A message for my lady, from Sir Lyle Gere
He penned these lines, for her gentle ear
Would you have this delivered, pray kind sir
Indeed I will, my word is my honour
Fear not kind sir, for tonight it will see her
What is it butler, who wrote me this letter?
Sir Lyle Gere, my lady, has requested a titter
Pray let me see, you insolent old timer
Your sarcasm ignites, especially at night sir!
Dear Lady Camilla, holder of my heart
My eternal hope is for our life to start
Would you be so kind to join me for a sitter?
High tea perhaps , around say four or a fiver?
Note down these words butler
And pray not a word from your sour lips
Much obliged kind Sir Gere
‘twill be my utmost pleasure
To join your company for a wee sitter
Until the morrow, I will treasure this letter
Will you now excitable lady Camilla
Lady of leisure, not a spoon thou hast washed
Shush, be quiet you insolent obscene butler!
Or what will you do, sweet Lady Camille
I will have you flogged for your foul mouth
And public it will be, just you wait and watch
My sincerest apologies, my dear Lady Camille
Never would your Ladyship do anything so vile
Oh you know me so well you old timer
Subtle am I? Oh surely my Lady!
My sensibilities are fragile, I hope he knows
I can only consume delicate h’ ors de oeuvres
Sweet desserts and cucumber sandwiches
He will be fooled my kind Camille, he will never suspect
Has he ever had the pleasure of seeing your lovely face?
No, our paths have never crossed butler, are you insinuating?
Never my dear Lady, I am a mere butler!
My thoughts matter not, my heart be ripped, I will deliver this chit
Come flood or disaster, your healthy smile is my bread and butter!
Aye your sarcasm is but fraught with the devil’s own tongue
But in my life you have been for so very long
I love your wit, you impudent satirist
You crafty shrew, slyly devious!
I'm writing a torrid love story,
Full of scandle and intrigue and sex,
About film stars and beautiful people,
And who goes to bed with who next.
Their clothes are by famous designers,
They wear diamonds and mink and real pearls.
Their hair is just perfectly coiffured -
And that's just the chaps, not the girls!
The hero's in love with his uncle,
And his wife's had an implant or two,
Grandfather has married the housemaid,
He's eighty and she's twenty-two.
When it's published I'll make lot's of money,
But just for a while, till I do,
I'm a little bit short on housekeeping -
Can you lend me a fiver or two?
Where have the old days gone - I used to as a child, run out of the door, bye Mum ,then I was gone, no cell phone, no chaperone, bit of change in my cute little purse and I was off running free, playing games, calling on friends, climbing trees. Back home for tea. Where have these days gone. Now there is a dreary park outside, no phone box, no kids out playing, no one climbing trees. I used to use the phone box and reverse the charge to home in emergencies, now if you find one its 60p or credit card or text messages only or your mobile has no signal or you have no credit! Or no battery. Where have the old days gone ? On the bus cost me 2p to town, get some makeup, see a movie, buy some jeans and still have change from 20pound, I'm not that old either. People used to stop and say hello, how are you, how's your Mum. Now no one stops to talk. No one knows my Mum. Jeans cost at least 20 pound and the bus is a fiver there and back. The cinema is closed here and the one in the next town is freezing inside. It also cost around 7pound each. You can't smoke anywhere now either, the cigarettes are dissapearing off posters, people are rewriting history. Where have the old days gone. We used to have a Tv you got up and changed yourself haha, now the remote is lost or it has no battery or you have no signal or the bill isn't paid. Oh and now you have to pay for all your channels, we didn't have sky or computers when I was little. Letters from friends used to come through the door. Now if you haven't got a mobile you cant keep in touch with anyone. Fish and chip shops don't have chips ready anymore and they don't do proper gravy, or peas. Everything costs a fortune now, Fish and chips is like a treat not a meal you can just afford. Now you have to wait for half an hour for it. Where have the old days gone. Kids used to have to behave haha now they are screaming so loud I can't hear their Mother speaking. In the old days we had a community, we knew who our neighbours were. Are we really progressing? It seems to me that we have gone backwards in time to a time where computers have become the giant. Tv is an accepted form of entertainment for the family or to shut the kids up. Going on holiday is a luxury . Banks are closing. Shops are closing. Cctv is normal. Where have the old days gone?
My Two Cars
The end of the week
I feel weak and meek
I struggle to survive
Burdened, wish I could die
Christmas is near
I am in fear
With only eight fifty left after rent
Never more wisely have I been forced and spent
The dollar store
There they were
Two hot wheels cars and only one dollar each
One more dollar for wrapping, and a fiver left for food
My eyes laden with sadness
The future looked bleak
As I hugged little Adam
Daycare over, I took him from the Madame
Now with five dollars, in my purse
I bought some Mac and cheese
A candy and apple
Some juice and small snacks
On Christmas I woke
My son at my bed
Santa came he shouted, “momma”, he really came!!
So up we went peeking under the tree
Two Hot wheel cars wrapped neat as could be
He unwrapped them with smiles
He shouted with glee
Santa got all this just for me!!!
I know nothing of Cars
A single mum in struggles
When I saw my boys’ eyes light up
Tears began to bubble
Out for a drink with my uncle bryn
do u know him works in dyn
he bit of alckie likes his gin
he got hit last night on the chin haha funny as F**k laneded in bin
I just laughed and give him grin
He lost his phone and snapped his sim
he homeless now dont know where hes binn
i reckon he got mrs sticking it in i dont know but heard her name is lynne
she charged him fiver cause she on the game
rip off ***** she didnt charge me same .
well av nice night and dont get drunk and stay from lynne she rip off C**t
The winter's torture rumbles down
The street, through my meager abode
And pierces my skin and inflames my bones.
Need to get out of maelstrom for a day,
Perhaps a day long bus ride.
I count my money and I'm a few
Beggings short of the five I need
To ride the system of citizens
Who don't realize they sit in a
Castle meant for a king.
So I dust myself off, look the
Best I can for one of my means.
Put on my gentleman's face, check
My breath for last nights taste and
Position myself so you can't avoid me.
"Hey buddy, got a quarter?" "My
Car is out of gas..." " 'scuse me, dear
Lady, just a quarter so I can eat."
Twenty-five, thirty-five, one dollar!"
With glee on my face and a sprite in my step, I move on.
I take my fiver and purchase a pass.
I feel like a gentleman of sorts with my
Golden ticket to tour this megapolitan
Cage in comfort and warmth from the
Ingredients of a dreary day.
I take a seat in the back, of course
Not wanting to be the object of
Stares and distain, whose
Territory I invaded on this blustery day.
Sorry but I'm riding in style today.
As I doze a little bit from the warmth,
My dreams become congealed with
Reality creating a world of surreal
Rapture of peace. "Hey, driver, there's
A drunken bum on the bus!"
My world becomes shattered with
Those few little words as if I
Actually ought I could be one
Of them for a brief moment
In time, but I suppose not.
So, in despair I climb down
The steps to face the grit of
The storm that rages through the city
And in my heart. Man, I will
Sure miss that bus.
As a dad of three I’ve got your measure
We love you protect you give us lots of pleasure
But……mums and dads aren’t as daft as you think we are
Dads give us a fiver and ill wash your car
Mum….can I take a couple of pounds out of the copper jar
My car barely sees water and a sponge because it’s too much mither
And the copper jar that held a tenner now holds just a fiver
And so it goes on
Dad….can I stay out as long as Paul his dad lets him stay out till eleven
A quick call to Paul’s dad guess what Pauls in at seven
We love you dearly but you kids think were daft
But were on to you it’s almost become a craft
And the classic dad can I have my pocket money mums give her last to my brother
A quick word with mum reveals you’ve just had a tenner
Me and your mum we do talk to each other
Clean your room up I’ve asked you 4 times if you don’t that’s it your grounded I said
I’ve done it dad you tell me I go check it’s clean but it’s all under your bed
That’s it your grounded
Toys out of pram and don’t give me that look
You know the one open mouthed astounded
You see mums and dads aren’t daft it’s all part of the game
But…..through all your tantrums and tears
We still love you all the same
nonsense purity
polymer
a squeezing of something
out
a tri fold with scores
of plastic, so necessarily unfulfilled
with pictorials
a social security card,
a card from the merchant marines
with a face
eleven dollars, a fiver
and six ones,
and a diners card
weak elbows,
furrowing brow
the smell of a polish
delicatessen on
his breath
Oh come
all ye faithfuls
Mexico, Poland
Bolivia
He wears a
Movado
Then craves
for bagels
with locks after
playing Polo
Peace!
Before the bawdy houses all went broke,
Contented cowboys, flush with cash, would go.
Fernando with his friends and other folk
Perused each painted pretty there on show.
These glitter-gloved young ladies lounged in style;
They'd wait and wonder who would be the one
To leave his liquor for a little while
And fork a fiver over for some fun.
They were the wanton women of the west
Who proffered pleasure proudly for a price.
Big hearts are often broken in the best
Who lose at love like gamblers lose at dice.
Just tin-pan ladies toiling tough till dawn
With wages weak for weary work each night.
They soon would wake to see their youth was gone;
Their better life for burdens born took flight.
The cowpoke cattle drives brought towns new breath
But soon the railroad ripped the range in two
As cattle cars crushed cattle drives to death
And cattle drivin' cowpokes soon were through.
The pretty painted ladies proved no use
To lazy little towns now cast astray.
Love's labor flees when life is lived too loose,
Dependent on a cowboy's poke each day.
So now that time is told as tales of old
Where cowboy campfires burnt away the chill
When weather's whimsy whipped up winds so cold
They'd cut right through and break a cowboy's will.
Some words at last for ladies who sold love
Then disappeared like dust of early dawn.
They faded like the glitter on their glove,
A badge of broken beauty, dead and gone.
Pour me another double
'Cause I'm thinking about being single
I wanna go back to fishing
And be free to roam and mingle
Life at home is sober
So I'm here to change the frame
Just keep the liquor flowing
While I think about the game
A lot of times were happy
A lot of times were sad
A lot of times were trying
A lot of times were bad
Pour me another double
While I think about my past
I've got so much to chew on
This drink is not my last
The answer isn't liquid
That's not why I am here
But I'll take another double
And serve it with a beer
I think about my wife
I think about my life
I think about our struggles
I think about our strife
I think I'll have another
Forget about the beer
I'll finish off this last one
And then I'll leave from here
I've come to a conclusion
Of what I want in life
I only want the woman
That I'm proud to call my wife
Thanks for your attention
I know I bent your ear
Here's an extra fiver
For letting me sit here
Rockman :-)
Written for the "Confessions To A Bartender" contest by Natalie The Rogue Rhymer contest.