Best Egad Poems
The sun rose in the west today – or, perhaps, I was standing on my head?
I went to a funeral for my very best friend, but the chap wasn’t even dead!
Said he wanted to be eulogized while drinking a pint of beer.
I think the things we said about him, weren’t exactly what he wanted to hear.
“He was, or is, an egotistical old bastard – doesn’t surprise me in the least,
that he wants to attend his own funeral service – God, what a horrible beast!”
And that, my friends, was from his Mom; the best friend a boy ever had.
“When finally they put his body in the ground, I think we’ll all be glad.”
Egad!
Global warming took a holiday, as the snow piled up real high;
that bugger for whom we passed the plate, took out his wooden eye.
The casket was full of cold cuts;
The bartender doubled as the priest;
I took another shot of tequila,
while the sun started setting in the east.
The ladies started undressing;
my organ started to rise;
I played Beethoven’s “Requiem”,
with it pointing to the skies.
The only tears that were shed today belonged to the corpse who was still alive –
His ex wife sang that old Gloria Gaynor tune, “You know, I will survive!”
The next time he throws a party for himself,
I think he’ll choose a different theme –
And maybe the people who come and get drunk
won’t be so awfully mean!
Categories:
egad, mystery, funeral, old, funeral,
Form:
Free verse
OWSZAT
The match was slow and boring
The runs were far between,
And an air of dreamy somnolence
Hung o’er the village green.
Then out from the pavilion
A handsome figure ran.
The crowd sat up, paid notice,
A loud applause began.
The stranger sprinted round the pitch
Disrupting all the match,
The fielder halted in his stride
And dropped an easy catch.
The umpire tried to intervene
His finger raised in protest,
The streaker slipped beneath his guard,
It really was no contest.
The team stood up and egged him on
And cheered as he gained speed,
It was a very daring act
They one and all agreed.
But when his little dangly bits
Removed the Home Team’s wicket,
A cry went roaring round the ground
“Egad Sir – that’s not cricket!”
Categories:
egad, humorous,
Form:
Couplet
Someone is consumed with anger and has gone mad
Venting fitful words of ire ...how childish; how sad
Like a flock of loud crows
The noisy blah blah goes
It's so trite and trivial. Give it up. Egad!
Life is filled with locked doors wherever I may roam
But I will not cry 'wee wee wee' all the way home
I'm not that little pig
And I don't give a fig
So froth doesn't drip from my mouth like rabid foam
If you've a bone to pick with others in the soup
Work it out instead of posting blog poems of poop
This is a poetry site
There's no need to fight
Don't be sneaky like a fox in a chicken coop
Categories:
egad, anger,
Form:
Limerick
Long, long ago and longer
When I was but a child
I read of Doctor Livingstone
Who ventured in the wild.
Dr. David had no fear
He went where few had gone.
This missionary and explorer
To Africa was drawn.
The unsophisticated natives
Didn’t know the wealth they had
Allowed Livingstone to name their falls
When he shouted out “Egad.
I’ve found what no white man has seen
I name it ‘Victoria Falls’”.
When back in England he was touted.
But lack of adventure palls.
He was sent back to Africa
To find source of the Nile.
He traveled around that continent
And became lost for a while.
Henry Morton Stanley when he found him, said
“Mr Livingstone I presume?”
He died in the heart of Africa.
Westminster Abbey holds his tomb.
Categories:
egad, adventure, history,
Form:
Epic
It’s wrong to judge people by appearance
So when he approached me with that grimace
I tried to see what’s inside
Perhaps a sweet prince did hide
Behind scaly green skin on the surface
He offered his lips, I felt revolted
And through the door I just might have bolted
If I had not made a vow
To be less judgmental now
So we kissed and my heartstrings he jolted
Such heaven we found on his lily pad
Till he turned into a horny-toad cad
Now my mouth is filled with warts
And no more bliss he transports
I just look at him and shout out “Egad!”
Sometimes a book’s cover shows what’s within
And I’ve surely learned much to my chagrin
This frog will not be a prince
When I look at him I wince
And just belt down a few chugs of sloe gin
This entry for the happily ever after contest is based on the fairy tale about the frog
prince.
Categories:
egad, funny, love
Form:
Limerick
plus or minus today on a cumulus of clouds keeping me from the stars
from my sofa I can do anything it's amazing
the puzzle of life coming in a grid of ain't
isn't awesome the oer of over the top
flap your wings dear
you were right
I did
guess what
I feel a breeze
and take a soar above the firmament
now on a plane i am still for a minute turning to an hour
egad gee drat I never belong to a frat but know the alphabet
so I leave to figure the value of zero and ten fingers as if twelve i'll be a druid
Categories:
egad, fun,
Form:
Dramatic Monologue
TEN DAYS TILL CHRISTMAS
Ten days till Christmas
Ten days of worry hustle
What shall I get her?
She won’t help me out
Won’t even give me a clue
What’s a man to do?
She never complains
About my Christmas presents
No just this blank look
Makes me feel so small
Makes her feel she has revenge
A poke in the gut
“You never listen!”
These are some of her complaints
“You leave the seat up!
Don’t care how I dress
Might as well wear an old sack
Just like some old hag”
I can’t help but laugh
Because her description fits
OW! OUCH! That did it!
I will pay dearly
That laugh has ruined her Yule
Ten days of silence
Ten days on the couch
Eating out at McDonald’s
By myself outcast
HALLELUIAH!
Thanks Lord ten wonderful days
HALLELUIAH!
……………………………………………….
This is not a description of my married life. I’m just having fun. This is more of a Major Hoople
poem – “Egad, Martha! Awpf Sputt!”
Categories:
egad, funnyme, old, me, old,
Form:
Haiku
There was an old woman from Brighton
Whose face the small children would frighten
“Egad, why these wrinkles?
My eyes lost their twinkles!”
Her skin she used clothespins to tighten
*April 11, 2018
Categories:
egad, age, humor,
Form:
Limerick
That little boy who I used to tickle
And helped learn to tie his shoes,
Just called me up on the telephone
To give me the happy news.
That young boy who I taught to wrestle
And watched him practice football,
From half way across the world
Made me proud with just one call.
That young man whom I saw graduate
From High School then Navy boot camp,
Just phoned to let me know
I am going to become a Gramps.
How is it that this little tyke who only yesterday,
Was riding upon my shoulders is an expectant father today?
How is it that my hair has turned, from black and then to gray,
And now that I am even older has completely fallen away?
The tears from my right eye, are tears of pride and joy,
The tears from my left eye, miss my little boy.
I was just getting used to the fact, that I’m old enough to be a dad
When I get news a grandchild is on its way – oh, yikes and egad!
I guess it could be worse – this news I did receive;
Knowing it makes my father a GREAT-Grandfather, gives me some reprieve.
A new generation, like it or not, is on its way;
“Congratulations, Son”, is all there is to say.
Categories:
egad, father, life, sonfather, me,
Form:
Rhyme
ICKY, SUCKY, YUCKY
???????????????
wheezing, sneezing; allergy in my throat
darn green mucus pasted in my hair,
steroids tumbling down on chest
and “no- bath -for -days” anywhere!
mites and dust in rinsed fingernails
fever flushing through these dead toes,
and whacking sinus drips much yuckier
floating from my from dry , red nose!
emergency rooms now daily visits for me
oxygen masks, x-rays and tests for clean piss ,
yipers, my new honey's coming around to check
this surely sucks, don’t wanna be kissed!!
:
Categories:
egad, funny, health,
Form:
Rhyme
She slithers with niceties, fangs intact
Stealing your gaze with her manipulative act.
Can’t see her reflection, for there is none, egad!
You search for her heart but there’s none to be had
Does she think we don’t see her behind her wall
Waiting in lurk for a poor soul to fall
“Come my pretty” while casting her curse
She shrieks without warning a venomous verse
who created this monster void of a soul
not seeing pain in the hearts that she stole.
rival of angels, friends with the troll
hideous features, her looks on parole
am I being judgemental in making this claim
or am I just truthful with no one to blame.
She says "oh i'm sorry did I hurt you my dear"?
Her spiteful rhymes tell me, her aim was quite clear.
So slither on elsewhere to some other place
For I have no room for incompetent grace.
Categories:
egad, introspection,
Form:
Couplet
Aunt Elf is brewing a Halloween treat,
something wicked, and ghoulishly special to eat.
Flesh of lizards and roaches and frogs, egad!
Aunt Elf has mixed them all into a salad.
A cauldron simmering way back of the stove,
smells of something atrocious spiked with clove,
a potion she’ll want us to chew without question,
concocted of things we’re too scared to mention.
Head of snake, eye of raven, and claws of bat,
many more gourmet fare awaits us like that.
Aunt Elf is famous for making a sumptuous dish,
Oh! Did I dare tell, she is the county witch?
But all we want is some fun with spooky ghosts
Or bloody masks walking along their undead hosts
And lots of yummy candies lined up on houses’ posts
That’s our kind of Hallow, laughing through mallow toasts!
*couplet and monorhyme*
===========
Written by: nette onclaud
For: Russell Sivey’s Halloween Fun, 2012
now, for Skat's Halloween Contest
Categories:
egad, halloween, holiday, imagination,
Form:
Rhyme
let's start with a line and see where it leads
People like blood so I will make mine bleed
a zombie a chainsaw perhaps some bats
For good measure I'll throw in some black cats
I'm running out of ideas I think
Something is bad, it's a terrible stink
Have you heard the one, about the sparrow
He let loose excrement, on the Pharaoh
Oh what a horror, the bird felt so bad
The Pharoah in anger, yelled out egad
Archers at the ready, shot the bird down
Pharoah bit of wings, wore them on his gown
He fed the birdie to his own black cat
The cat so happy it meowed where it sat
Mummys and bats they make me want to scream
Most of the horrors come from my own dreams
Dancing disjointed, what do I have to loss
Bones I crunched, I removed with dental floss
Let's finish with a flurry, a mad dash
A horrible fungus, a scabby rash
Worst poem Contest
Categories:
egad, art, butterfly,
Form:
Couplet
OKAY? WHAT FIEND STOLE THY BODY ELECTRIC!?
thine distorted reflection rippled
within rain maker's pool upon a midnight clear
full moonlight flooded shallow abyss,
cleaved fractal structures of silence
reverberating deathly hallow from 'ere
to infinity, whence magic wand
whipped out from whereabouts unknown
wove enchanting spell atop me shades
at more'n fifty gray hair
to fore, awakened from drunken stupor,
whence sober self
saw repulsive trouper fluid dynamic image jeer
at pot bellied, dead panned,
and ad libbed the mere
ore image lam bent, mutilated spindled
various aspects of myself a paired
which, aghast at such creepy distortion i didst rear
like a bucking bronco unclear
how this horrid, jagged, limned paragon did wear
a grotesque from heart of darkness – maybe Zaire
or Zulu-land, this soaked silhouette half bare
from the waist to head showed unmanly
sagging overly engorged breasts
plus right and left elephant sized ear
egad, THAT CANNOT BE ME,
yet upon performing self exam a glare
ring outburst ensued,
cuz thy once bronzed handsome physique
grist for a Joker to jeer
and fodder made for television series created,
directed, and executed by Norman Lear
which role might be temporary for Halloween, but near
lee every SINGLE day and night,
thy aged dusk fraught hominid jerked,
leaped, pooh poohed I ham ill prepared
to accept, roistering, rollicking,
rueing this Frankenstein scarred
complex deplorable edifice able,
ready, and willing to be tarred
rather than evince flabbiness,
gruesome homeliness, instance
Page Number Two:
when no objection would arise
to live out the remaining days of this life
as the world wide web turns, spins, rattles...
and voluntarily sign myself into a stew ward
with (at minimum ), a ghoulish, gnarly,
gummy self activated door
leading to a privet hedge row trimmed
topiary resplendent yard
cuz every cotton pickin, friggin,
fingerhut lickin portal iz barred
dated Friday the thirteenth with **** face on that card!
Categories:
egad, allegory, bereavement, depression, evil,
Form:
Free verse
She loves me she loves me not...
Just my luck that when juiced a lad
din grammar school, aye own every
rhyme and reason tubby mad
every friggin time boyhood fingers
plucked petals off flowered daisy...
just as well, a relief and more than glad
tomb hiss out on doing the wild thang
and be'n totally tube yule lore lee baad
yea, how boring squirreled away
voraciously reading 'bout some cad
oh my dog...I too could write story
"FAKE" steamy extramarital liaison add
chocolate flavored Glynnis (Msgeegee),
whereby celibate chap goes stir crazy - egad
yours truly drives back to her pad
within sketchy part of West Philadelphia
starring as chief protagonist
none other then... yupper this dad
until caught with pants down (figuratively)
thine missus both angry at me and sad
I immediately unapologetic longed to gad
about even jetting setting off to Vlad
divest stock to escape wrath cull bile
daily spewed phlegm at me - wad
off by bajillion miles wife got poor aim
cruel colorful epithets coarse expletives had
filled beyond capacity to resist or tolerate
hence, yours truly sought to skad
had dude dull married life awkward fit
analogous, incongruous, perilous
why dead men don't wear plaid
they make no bones about
nor act self flesh deathly quiet
oblivious toward latest fad
mouldering into dust
whereby gravesites sprout weeds
mother nature's couture clad
eroded tombstone disintegrating
vanishing without trace
unremembered story...
unlike Odyssey and Illiad.
Categories:
egad, 10th grade, 11th grade,
Form:
Elegy