Best Dental Poems
My dentist’s such a sadistic guy
No injection, I emit a cry
Open mouthed at his bill
Pain is much worse until
Quite slyly I knee him in his fly!
1/10/19
I went to the dentist
It had been awhile
Yet after much drilling
Followed by filling
The bills heaped in a pile
He said come twice a year
Or try to make it three
Brush three times a day
And floss the right way
And maybe just maybe
You’ll be a dental star
Which sounded bizarre
But did what I was told
Though received a scold
From that dental czar
He said come monthly please
To avoid tooth disease
And floss between breaths
Which was not life or death
Though it wasn’t a breeze
But it wasn’t enough
Oh, my dentist was tough
And then he dared to say
To come once a day!
While my tooth he did stuff
He seemed to be leaning
For a constant cleaning
Of all my dirty teeth
Both above and beneath
As if he was meaning
To be on my payroll
Funded by my poor soul
But he wanted power
To clean my teeth each hour
Or he’d have to drill holes
In more of my molars
He was a steamroller
Needing to do more
Which sounded like war
With him as a tooth gaoler
Yet his chair, I was in it
Every other minute
Every single day
For he got his way
And knew how to win it
Still, I did not make the grade
So he tried to persuade
To avoid drilling
And any more filling
He preferred that I stayed
Well I tried to be cross
Asking when do I floss
When he said, I reckon
We’ll clean each second
With no time left to pause
Thus, I reached the high bar
As a famed dental star
With no plaque to cleave
But, with no time to leave
I bid my life au revoir
A Dental Alliteration
Both bearable breakable bicuspids became beautiful
by being blatantly brushed by me.
How is that for an alliteration? You don't have a
category for dental.
James Thomas Horn
Retired Veteran
Once upon a time recently
To dentist went confidently
He gave huge novacaine
Suppose to ease my pain
To my heart went incidently
The dentist chiseled tooth away
I didn't want to play rest of day
The morning after~Oh! well
I'll just say, upon pain did dwell
But money to him still will pay
Sponsor: Black-Eyed Susan
Contest: The Worst Morning After
Written Monday, July 22, 2013
One week since the procedure
and I am still having some pain..
My heart still hasn't settled completely
either..
A tiger tooth puller named Keith
Growled, Donkey I must check your teeth
Donkey started to bray
Saying, "Don’t block my way
I’m needing urgent pain relief"!
I had a cavity, but they took it away, put holes in my head and metal and spray.
They took my wisdom teeth and left holes in my head if it gets infected then I’m as good as dead.
And although I have pristine dental health, I have no magical wisdom teeth now.
Here's a tangled thready mass of dental floss
Glued on some canvas board with gesso
Each layer of the spider's snare dyed a different color
One layer dried then layered o'er another
Oh the marl-morning sour-gut history
The saw-toothed plaque-frozen mystery!
There's corn beans and sirloin on the string
Microscopic V-8 a thermal-digested chicken wing
Good bad medium days
Hidden 'neath and in filet
Here's Jackson Pollock with his dripping
Splashing abstract expressionism
Pollock though a genius failed
In splashing paint pale after pale
To realize a more thrifty less messy way
To say through teeth what he had to say
My Dental Horn Haiku
Swing and Sway with Tooth Decay (Sammy Kaye)
we would swing and sway
had heard about tooth decay
was to our dismay
do need dental care
at mouth she started to stare
teeth beyond compare
did have his consent
would know what my dentist meant
cavities prevent
we found a fable
dentist lives in a stable
goes to work when able
his office is plush
on dentist do have a crush
must be sure to brush
he will let me in
dentist is my next of kin
took my teeth for a spin
am a horny toad
my dentist does have a code
brush teeth or hit the road
my case was mental
when in office that is dental
hope they are gentle
had heard a Horn pun
when my dentist had been done
was second to none
when life would waiver
dentist was my life saver
on best behavior
mind in mental traps
did have a mental mishapse
our bride would collapse
you need a mascot
which you know will hit the spot
in store can be bought
this is all for now
my head I will have to bow
God me did endow
so much precious existence
found me rooted with mouth ajar
as sigh asper the dentin-cementum
so mud dear reader (with dem perfect
enameled pearly whites), aye har bar
envy for those with a complete set
of eight incisors, four cuspids (i.e. canines),
eight bicuspids, and twelve molars
(including four wisdom teeth) tabulating
many hours in the car (engendering
saddle sore bony tuckus)
plus regarding chunk whereat,
pernicious cementum funk
viz distraught psyche, when muss self as a lil monk
key decades after being examined
by family dentist Doctor Marcus (NOT WELBY),
excellent practitioner (button irate pulp pill
people ' especially children) eater – the grump,
whose private practice located
in Levittown, Pennsylvania,
and when prepubescent underwent
pertinent more explicit focused
intense noninvasive procedures
asper subsequent cause of speech impediment
determined why air didst jump
thru nostrils, (speech therapist at Henry Kline Boyer),
neither thin nor plump
informed parents
of Lancaster Cleft Palate Clinic –
fifty plus miles one direction),
where chief prosthodontist
Doctor Mohammad N. Mazaheri, DDS, an Iranian
whose expert reputation, sans strict manner didst trump
his aura, karma evincing clipped commands
forceful as a vocal whump
before launching into meat and potatoes
of crux comprising real aim
constituting modus operandi
(and cresting away from details indirectly tide
into main intent, nobody aye blame)
for thine dental debacle quandary
(managed by gumshun,
whereby eons hyperbolically toted beyond google),
and despite the optimistic stance
wool worth anesthetized numb skull claim
nascent malocclusion faintly affecting,
hinting, pointing toward Periodontitis
(despite diligence attending to oral hygiene frame)
the manifestation of major looming crisis compromising,
forgoing, instigating, et cetera loss of teeth,
this (after agony in league with separate occasions
twice wearing braces, concomitant Extractions
of wisdom and removal of crowdsourcing –
closeup toward the front of mouth teeth - game
Eat a poppy bagel
And you’d sure be at a loss
If you did not have access to
A string of dental floss.
Toothpicks aren’t strong enough
To dig out all the seeds.
Dental floss, in mint or plain,
Is what a person needs.
You can tell the flossers
From the dental-flosser-nots;
The latter group, when smiling,
Will flash teeth with polka dots!
Dental Dream
After death, to whom will I want to bequeath
Each and everyone of my beautiful teeth
And after I just have completed a phone in
Someone said to store them in the Smithsonian.
Had another great idea when I got out of bed
How about showing in dentist office instead
While they will be all shiny and glimmery
And can thank me for having the memory.
Constantly considered and then contemplated
With all of me want them to be incinerated
And every time when you have a dental dream
An alligator was wearing mine floating downstream.
Do they actually have thorns in a dental crown,
And when you scream they have surround sound
For more words looked like I was at a complete loss
When my dentist was angry and became cross.
So if I were to smile while sticking out my tongue
Would I have to be one of those who are among
Some of the dastardly dental chosen few
Who now have teeth which look brand new.
James Thomas Horn
Retired Veteran
Anxiety
Sitting in the chair
Hope they work with care
Anything to numb the pain
Fear driving insane
Numbness
Novocain takes effect
From my fear it will protect
Now with relaxation
I feel no sensation
Comfort
They treat me so nice
Definitely worth the price
Excited to help my smile
Although it may take awhile
Impatient
Hours have gone by
I let out a big sigh
Will it ever end?
My mouth needs to mend
Relief
The dentist now complete
Amazed at their feat
Plans to finish are made
My insecurities start to fade.
In the middle of the room stood the white metal chair
Designed to deliver the best dental care,
But she stood there immobile, unable to move
Toward the object of torture that was likely to prove
To be frightful, exhausting and life threatening too,
As the hygienist invaded her body anew.
“Let me help you.” The voice said as a hand touched her arm and
Guided her forward with arising alarm
To that monster before her with a history of pain
She had sworn to avoid and see never again.
As she sat there she knew that her pulse was increasing
While weakness expanded with blood pressure decreasing.
Her breathing grew shallow and her skin felt much colder
When a masculine hand firmly pressed on her shoulder.
“It’s alright.” Said the voice from behind the white mask.
“I’ll be gentle as this cleaning is a most simple task.”
But the eyes were uncaring, the brows dark with gloom
Providing no comfort in the sanitized room.
Large fingers penetrate as her jaw opens wide
For the scraping and picking to go on inside
With a speed and a hurry and a schedule to meet,
The hygienist leans forward while still on his seat
The pain in her jaw hit so quick and severe
And her groan brought no comfort, only increased her fear
As rough hands did their duty and worked on her teeth
Caring nothing for feelings that lay underneath.
She could hear heavy breathing as he plied with his skill
For to finish more quickly and to give her the bill.
She could do nothing else as she sat there afraid,
So she folded her hands while she silently prayed.
I have the dentist blues
I have them bad
Have to go to the dentist
For my twice yearly torture session
In order to save my remaining teeth
I must endure the never ending pain
I have the dentist blues
I have them bad
I must have known over 100 dentists
During my 61 years around the sun
Some were good, some were great
A few became friends
A few became enemies
All became richer
From fixing my crooked no good
very bad misbehaving evil teeth
I have the dentist blues
I have them bad
All tortured me
Saying it was for my own good
To save my crooked wicked teeth
My teeth are bad
Wicked, misbehaving
Rotten to the core
And always have
I have the dentist blues
I have them bad
I tried orthodontic braces
As a child
Gave it up as an adult
Did everything except implants
So many crowns
So many root canals
So many pulled teeth
And partial dentures to boot
So much dental work
My teeth are gold plated
Monuments to the dental artistry
I have the dentist blues
I have them bad
A few dentists were exceptionally good
A few exceptionally bad
A few were crooks by and by
I have the dentist blues
I have them bad
My current dentist is good
He keeps the chit chat down
Does not lecture me on his political views
Imagine having a dentist praise GW Bush
Or Trump taking your forced silence
As acceptance of his right wing views
Imagine a dentist talking endlessly
About her children’s latest escapade
While drilling away
Assuming you cared
When all you wanted
Was to end the torture
I have the dentist blues
I have them bad
And imagine a sexy dentist
Or hygienist working away
As you think of her in bed
And can’t get that thought
Out of you head
As they drill and poke
I have the dentist blues
I have them bad
Yes I have a love-hate relationship
With dentists
Can’t stand them
Can’t stand the pain
But they save my teeth
And save my smile
And so I forgive them
One and all
I have the dentist blues
I have them bad
There once was an old geezer named Bob
who loved to munch on corn on the cob.
But since he wore false teeth
kernels got underneath:
and so he'd turn them down with a sob.
Sitting on the can, he read an ad
touting a brand new fancy doodad:
So he pulled up his pants
got some dental implants,
and chomps more corn than he ever had.