Best Bragged Poems
Coming from Texas, I knew he’d be loud
And soon I discovered that two is a crowd
Is that the privy? he asked of my house
When he saw my dog he said you’ve got a mouse!
We heard on the news that a bush kangaroo
It might have been two, had escaped from the zoo
He said that in Texas there’s no cangerroose
Don't know what they are but they wouldn't get loose
He bragged that in Texas the average rat
Is three times the size of what we call a cat
He spotted some sheep and a grin touched his lips
Why have you got a field full of Q-tips
And then as we stood there a crow passed us by
The Texan said hey bud, should I swat that fly
He whipped up my carpet and then told me that
He’s going to splat it with this little mat
My pet snake I showed him, I thought he might squirm
He said back in Texas, we call that a worm
He stared at my garage and called it a hive
I was still miffed when we went for a drive
We drove by some cows that were stocky and fat
But Tex said his pigs are far bigger than that
Well, I bit my tongue as I drove, heading south
The only thing big around here was his mouth
Those two missing Roos hopped right into the road
The Texan appeared to think I should have slowed
I sped up and ran them both down with my truck
He cried stone the crows, are you nuts, what the f*ck
He shouted pull over, you must call the coppers
I said that I would for a dog or a cat
But not for a couple of bloody grasshoppers!
He never said much after that
Categories:
bragged, humorous,
Form:
Rhyme
"Howdy to you all from Colorado! This is Cletus Schlunk reporting,
Where gossip is fair and balanced and there is little or no distorting!
It's the home of the Rockies, Broncos, Nuggets and potholes galore,
And old mining towns like Leadville and Cripple Creek, full of western lore!"
"Hordes of gaping tourists from all over come to visit the Centennial State,
So I collared one to get his views and his comments to you I'll relate."
"Sir, could you spare a few minutes of your time for a little chat?
Tell me where you're from and where did you get that silly hat?"
"Ah'm frum th' great state uv Texus an' that's a hunder'd dollar Stetson son.
Now, don'tcha go a-makin' sport uv me - ah've cum here ta have a little fun!"
"Be forewarned that when sipping a cool Coors, respect the altitude here."
"Yup! Ah've figgered out that jes' one uv 'em will set ya' on yer rear!"
"What do you think of our magnificent mountains reaching for the sky?"
"Shucks! We used to have 'em in Texus an' they wuz nearly twice as high!
But ah'm here ta tell ya', they wuz flattened out years an' years ago.
That's why Texus is th' biggest state in the lower 48, I want ya'all ta know!"
"Have you fished our pristine streams, many that are off the beaten track?"
"Yup! Caught a 30-incher - he wuz a Texus minner so I throwed 'im back!"
"Well, folks, he out-bragged me so I brought the interview to a hasty cease!
Till next time, from Colorful Colorado, I wish each of you happiness and peace!
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved
Placed No. 2 in the "Reporting Live On The Soup" Contest - July 2010
Categories:
bragged, funnyme, me, , western,
Form:
Rhyme
Topics of conversation seem to change as we approach maturity.
As kids we talked of love - now it's lumbago and social security!
It once was enlightening to simply discuss the weather,
But now it's a litany of their ills when oldsters get together!
When a teen we bragged about that first voluptuous kiss.
Now all we can do is talk about such and lamentably reminisce!
Girls whispered amongst themselves and cast a furtive glance,
At the high school "hunk" pining for a torrid romance!
In our courting days, sweet talk we'd whisper in the other's ear.
Now it seems we must yell to be heard unlike in yesteryear!
As married folks we debated about money, bills and kids,
Exasperating table-pounding sessions where we'd flip our lids!
Seems that no matter where senior brethren congregate,
With each other their aches and pains they must enunciate,
Discussing the woes of arthritis, phlebitis and laryngitis,
Bronchitis, bursitis, gingivitis, dermatitis and gastritis!
I reckon I could simply say, "Gee, you're looking swell!"
Then perhaps upon these gloomy topics they might not dwell.
I enjoy repartee with folks about religion, politics and sports,
But talk of doom and gloom leaves me sorta outta sorts!
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved
Categories:
bragged, funny, high school,
Form:
Rhyme
Ballad of Smorgasbord Cat
Once upon a hot July night
Smorgasbord Cat was born, not right.
The only kitten born with clothes,
She came out wearing pantyhose.
Blue bellbottoms when she turned eight,
Made her feel insanely great.
Her siblings bullied her for fun
But she was powerful, this one.
She’s odd, her mother told her dad.
But she’s so good, and seldom bad.
Where did she get her name? He asked.
I do not know, her mother basked.
Smorgasbord Cat soon ran a club,
She sold drink and delicious grub.
Her relatives all bragged her up.
She gave them each a special cup.
That cat lived to be ninety-three.
And now just between you and me,
I admit I gave her that name.
On a bet at a poker game.
Smorgasbord Cat has her own song.
Cross-eyed face, and red tail, long.
Yes, bawdy and funny, was she.
Married five times, litters of three.
Happy, joyful lots of fun,
Smorgasbord Cat, truly best one
At her funeral everyone came.
No one knows where she got her name.
Categories:
bragged, 10th grade, 11th grade,
Form:
Ballad
They took my blood and ethnic group, they did.
My soul was skulking, knowing of the strains
If I have no visa, they’ll get mad
Reading my thick newspaper was sad
Seeing they’re deporting love again
They took my blood ,my heart and I feel bad
Water has no salt whereas blood has
And losing it will cause a lot of pain
If we have no visas, oh dear God.
The water circulates; we’re effing dead
So when we’re shot there’s no red blood to stain
They looked for human souls and then they bragged
The Jews, the gays the helpless .felt cold dread
And who resists now Fascism rides again?
We scream when we’re asleep,oh helpless God.
We invented torture , prison, shame
Were God here he’d hear the frightened groans
They took my ethnic group and stole my blood
Now they call me ” ”, ain’t life sad?
Categories:
bragged, absence, abuse, angst, relationship,
Form:
Villanelle
Did you tire of one President's lecturing and preaching?
Do you cringe at another's tweets, his lechery and "leechering?"
Then as George W Bush Jr's term fades from the annals of recency
Let us recall the stirring words of this man of abiding decency
"Junior" as the USA's President was a bit of an anomaly
As he observed: "I know how hard it is to put food on your family." (Jan, 2000)
It was rather hard to take his Presidency all too seriously
After this: "I know the human being and fish can coexist." (Sept., 2000)
For education, he and Laura shared a passion, a yearning
To wit: "Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?" (Jan, 2000)
Of course, Bush could also be sharp as a tack, downright uncanny
Like the time he bragged, "They misunderestimated me!" (Nov, 2000)
And after eight years in office, "W" had become quite the orator
As seen in this reflection: "I think I was unprepared for war, --er." (Dec, 2008)
So there you have it, a smattering of evidence
~ That speaking the King's English is not required of a President
Categories:
bragged, humorous, language, leadership, usa,
Form:
Rhyme
Tamiviolet, Tamiviolet
I must say my dear
I read your poem 'Oh,Yes' today.
I thought I can't believe it
How did poetrysoup slip up
To allow someone to put
A poem like yours, on their Internet
I am a widow
And your words truly did shock me
But when you involved your own daughter
I just about lost it, yes sir ree
I hadn't picked up on this side of you
In the poems of yours I'd read
And here on world wide internet
You bragged about the part your daughter played
Now I feel it is up to me,
To inform the whole world today
Tamiviolet as of right now,
You have just been tagged.
Cile Beer
Categories:
bragged, friendship, funny, imagination, world,
Form:
Rhyme
Palindromes
One of our wildest, most memorable family sagas
involved my reckless brother, a racecar, a warm
spring day, and a non-adventurer, me. I warned, “Pop
said stay home today and mow.” “Sometimes Pa’s a sap”!
he scoffed. “When I race, I always win top spot—safely,”
he boasted. I wondered about the stats on car racing
and wrecks? I strongly suspected kayak racing was safer,
but I got in! He practically deified his souped-up coup
with a near-prayer: "Race fast, safe car!" When we raced his
rivals, my terror level was 12--on a scale of 10.
Was it a cat I saw almost lose one of its nine lives
as every tenet of sanity was abandoned?
Later, he bragged, “Now I won fair and square, Brother.
Name now one man who’s better. Stop shaking! You’re fine!”
I said, “Oh, I am? Refer to the huge wet spot on my seat!”
Date: September 21, 2018
Contest Title: Playing with Words under Fire
Sponsor: Caren Krutsinger
Date: April 23, 2020
entered in Wild Poetry Contest
Sponsor: Anthony Slausin
Categories:
bragged, family, growing up,
Form:
Verse
This is the best beer I've ever had.
Yes, The best beer I've ever had.
No beer is really bad, but
This is the best beer I’ve ever had.
Beer’s invention was accidental I’m told.
Something about stored grain and mold.
Before the Sphinx, beer was made and sold;
And at times, more valuable than gold.
Drank my first beer while serving Uncle Sam.
Got drunk on ‘33' in Saigon, Vietnam.
By 19, I was a soldier becoming a man;
So, I drank ‘til I didn’t give a damn.
Since then, I’ve travelled the world all around;
And tasted each brew that I’ve found.
Most are named for people, animals or towns;
And are glorious shades of gold, red or brown.
There are pilsners, lagers and ales
Swilled from bottles, cans, mugs…even pails.
If you want to get drunk, you can’t fail.
Drink too much, you may end up in jail.
Drank Stegmaier in old Scranton town.
Folks bragged it was the "best around“.
I tried their Golden, their Porter, their Brown;
And I must say, their judgement is sound.
In Ireland, the Guinness is Stout.
‘Tis a brew those Micks can’t live without.
In the pubs, they all sing and shout;
Until, eventually, they're all drunken louts.
In old Germany, there are too many to choose.
Every Berg and Stein make their own brews.
I tried each one on the Rhine river cruise.
So many to taste. How could I lose?
I enjoyed Sapporo in Tokyo, Japan;
Served by a Geisha at the wave of my hand.
The Singh Hai in Bangkok was grand,
As was the Ninkasi in ancient Tehran.
Tried a lager called Foster’s down under.
Drank too many. My head pounded like thunder.
They say Foster's once laid Dundee asunder;
But they love it… though you may wonder.
Enjoyed Red Stripe on Jamaican shores
And each one tasted like more.
A local beauty I was hoping to score;
But next morning, my head was so sore.
Henry Hudson’s serves Budweiser Light.
It’s weak, so you can drink it all night.
Yes, it takes quite a bit to get “tight”;
But it’s cheap and that makes it alright.
Yes, beer is a beverage so grand,
One of God's greatest gifts to man.
When life gets too tough to stand,
Just open a chilled bottle or can.
This is the best beer I’ve ever had.
When I arrived I was down and quite sad;
After just two or three, life isn't so bad.
This is the best beer I’ve ever had.
Yes, the best beer I've ever had.
Categories:
bragged, adventure, best friend, celebration,
Form:
Rhyme
The November skies darken early
Citizens walk in
To vote
Nationwide elections
High school gym
Opened just for them
Voices echo in the large hall
Clerks check names and addresses
Pointing to names in musty ledgers
As lines get longer.
The ones I can spot
Are the old veterans
Who spent their youth at
D-Day, Battle of the Bulge, Guadalcanal
I say
Courage to them
Who knew how to be brave
At so young an age
They walk slowly now
Wives often leading
You sense that for them
Time is running out
The hour glass near empty
They never bragged all that much
To them voting is a right.
You can spot the others
Waiting on line
Veterans of
Korea and Viet-Nam
They walk a little faster
Stand a little taller
But time will catch up
And the hour glass will reach its mark.
The voting is over
Discarded papers litter the floor
Doors locked
Lights turned off
As darkness slips into the empty hall.
Across town
Politicians congratulate
The winners
Deal are made
Promises promised
And on this cold night
Honest taxpayers turn in bed
Knowing that the next workday
Always comes early.
Categories:
bragged, life
Form:
Narrative
Barley a man when he went off to war
not really sure what he was fighting for
To serve his country he knew for sure,
unaware of the suffering he would later endure
He worked hard to put on a brave face,
but he couldn't imagine a more horrible place
So often afraid of losing his life,
he would cling to the thought of his son and his wife
When he came home it was an answered prayer,
it was due to the illness he'd received over there
Whatever the reason he was finally home
He had a six week old son of his very own
He tried to work and live a normal life
He later married his second wife
They had two kids, that made him three
From this sickness he couldn't get free
He was completely disabled, he couldn't work
His pain was getting worse and worse
He'd had many surgeries and there were more to come
It attacked his liver, colon and lungs
He never spoke of the horror he'd seen
His brain must have felt so unclean
He never bragged about the Purple Heart
The illness was tearing his body apart
He wasn't perfect, that much is true
but imagine all that he went through
He died when he was only fifty seven
I hope God saved a place for him in Heaven
Categories:
bragged, america, death, freedom, patriotic,
Form:
Couplet
River crab , river crab,why do you not sleep?
I have opened my eyes to see the big and the small.
The mackerel that only sees the small sprat
And not the big shadow it casts on the river bank
Shall soon float in the smaller and hotter poll.
River crab, river crab,why do you not sleep?
I have opened my eyes to see all around me,
For what we ignore today and say it is harmless
Tomorrow often casts big shadow on our path.
Brutus once bragged; Antony is a small ant.
River crab , river crab, why do you not sleep?
I have prohibited sleep from my eyes
To pay attention with due diligence
To everything at the river bank
Mama had warned me at my birth:
Even the smallest ant casts long shadow;
No matter how minute a factor,
She said it is a factor.
Categories:
bragged, philosophy,
Form:
Personification
He said he knew your heart;
but didn't bother to look.
And then bragged to his friends;
one glance was all it took.
Your childhood fantasies
warped reality's truth.
And hope's polished mirror;
show delusions of youth.
Tangled in a web of lies;
your heart struggles to cope.
For paper-dreams crumble;
when built only of hope.
Shadows of yesterday
cast doubt on tomorrow.
For it's hard to conceal
such anguish and sorrow.
Time dulls truth's cutting-edge;
numbing your inner pain.
But it may take a while,
before you smile again.
Categories:
bragged, emotions, feelings, heartbreak, lost
Form:
Quatrain
My sister had a small horse that no one else could ride
and anyone who mounted him soon had a skinned up hide.
It was haying time and Daddy took on some extra hands.
With brawn, brains didn’t matter much. A rancher understands.
One new hand started boasting of broncos he had ridden.
Bragging around my brothers should have been a thing forbidden.
It didn’t take them long to brand that young cowpoke a phony.
They hatched a plan to get him on my sister’s half-broke pony.
If a man bragged of his horse savvy, he’d better know his beans.
They’d all been breaking broncos since before they hit their teens.
That evening when Sis brought the cows, Buster was so mellow
my brothers knew it was the time to trick that boasting fellow.
They asked their prey if he would like to ride the little horse.
The horse was acting gentle so he took the bait of course.
My sis got off and he got on, or such was his intention.
Buster remembered all the tricks those lads forgot to mention.
He gave one buck and that cowpoke was hanging from his mane.
He almost had him shaken off when he came down again.
Then Buster noticed the barn door was opened just a skin.
He was wider than the opening but still he wanted in.
He made a mad dash forward, just a-heading for that crack.
He made it through, the buckaroo was skinned right off his back.
The fellow was a sorry sight a-lying in that muck.
He must have thought the world was done or a bolt of lightning struck.
Those rascals stood there laughing at the gent so mortified
then feeling sorry complimented him for his fine ride.
The moral of this story you don’t rate a horse by size
and misjudging one like Buster could get you a big surprise.
For Carol's "A Horse Story" contest Won 3rd
Categories:
bragged, cowboy-westernhorse, sorry, time,
Form:
Narrative
It was one of them nights with nothing to do
We sat round the log fire in the inn like you do
Telling ghost stories and massive white lies
Old Harry snuffed his pipe out, light shone in his eyes
I will tell you a story, once fishing, its true
I once went on the lake with Jimmy McGrew
We was drinking and smokin and things were all fine
When suddenly a snatch back, something caught the line
Well it would not come up, it was stuck or got snagged
I caught a whale, Old Jimmy he bragged
After a time, he said , for goodness sake
I will have to go down there, go into the lake
So Jimmy jumped in but he came back up fast
He couldn’t catch his breath all wheezy and gasps
I says, to Jimmy, what’s going on
We gotta get out here, come on, come on
Something had spooked him, that was sure clear
I never seen Jimmy so taken with fear
When we was back, on old Terra Fermain
He was much calmer, I asked him again
You won't believe what I saw, he did said
There was a guy down there, standing on the bed
Just standing right there with a net in his hand
Stood there, right standing, his feet on the sand
We went into town and he told the law
They came to the lake with their frog suits and all
After a while they went down for a look
Then they came back for a rope and a hook
One said to Jimmy, you saw him its true
We understand how he scared you we do
Its not what you that think, that guy is long dead
Just try and get him from inside your head
He ain’t stood there, standing, like a monster alive
I tell you what we found when we did go dive
He,s been missing for some time, Its Cornelius Peggs
The thing is, that he had artificial legs
They heavy from iron and got stuck in the sand
Boat accident I guess from that net in his hand
Categories:
bragged, boat,
Form:
Ode