Tell me how to comprehend a world
where you could look at me and choose another.
Had I the choice of every soul in creation,
I would have bound myself to yours forever.
Yet, here I sit - flawed, discarded, incurable.
I hold no malice for your aversion;
it was only a matter of time
before you saw that I was not worth the saving.
Forgive me, for hatred is all I have left.
Whatever love I bore you lies buried
beneath the sheer weight of my terror.
Flee now, before the beast takes hold -
for your time grows dangerously short.
Ask who I am,
and I will tell you: I am fear.
It feeds until there is nothing left -
a dark so deep, no light can reach,
and no one left to save me.
The day she decides she’s done,
Wasting her best years in fear,
Cowering in filth and shadows,
Her pet cockroaches near,
Who can’t face me in the light,
And scurry from the sight,
If not too tainted then,
By their black-fingered blight,
She may assume her place,
Beside me in spite,
Of a once-roach being sprayed,
And my Queen’s appetite,
Will never be spoiled again,
By these putrid insects,
Ever scavenging and stealing,
Like a cancer that infects,
Where she finally feels the kiss,
On her face so inspiring,
As sun enlightens her,
Without her scurrying, but smiling.
I broke a glass last night.
And in that loud, terrifying crash,
I was eight years old again -
watching yogurt drip onto the kitchen tile,
so small, and so completely sure
that this mistake meant I deserved to die.
I ran up the stairs
and hid in the dark,
wrapping my arms around myself
in a desperate, suffocating hug.
I rocked back and forth,
choking on hot, silent tears,
pounding little fists into my thighs
because I had to pay for what I did.
One beat, two beats -
it was never enough.
I tore at my own hair,
clawed deep into my skin,
so that in the mirror -
as blood dripped down my body
and purple lumps swelled to the surface -
I could finally see the reflection
of who I was:
a monster.
Fear strikes, though you whisper to soothe my mind.
Near me, you wish for a peace I cannot find.
Pain fades, yet a wish cannot shield the blow.
Rain falls, leaving scars that will never show.
Grief stays, when a love has no strength to hold.
Brief warmth cannot rescue a heart grown cold.
Dread waits, while you carelessly guard the key.
Dead hope leaves me scared, that you too shall flee.
You tell me not to be afraid.
But I am always afraid.
You said, "I wish I could hold you, protect you from the pain."
And I thanked you.
But a wish is not enough when you have no power.
I told you, "Darling, these bruises and scars mean nothing to me. They will heal.
They will leave, just like your love for me.
I wish you would stay forever."
But a wish is not enough when you have no power.
And as long as you can leave,
I will always be afraid.
A small blue kite was afraid to
fly high in the windy, blue sky.
His friend the gentle breeze
gave him a big, encouraging
push.
Soon, the kite was dancing
proudly above the tallest
trees in the park.
I was afraid love
My spirit changing for you
You hear me howling?
Moth wings come by ...
Batting at the window screen,
To get in, they try and try
Where the light is seen
Afraid of the dark, are you?
Still, I cannot let you near,
No matter what you do
It is things like you I fear
Not that you can hurt me
Like a hornet when she stings,
I just do not want to be ...
Batted by soft, moth wings.
I found a book with someone else’s name inside
a reminder that she was loved, encouraged, chosen.
But I am not Mary Angie,
and no Lisa writes hope into my story.
I hope I was Mary Angie sometime
so I can express my love and passion
without being judged or shut down.
I wish I had Lisa as a family,
a person who supports and encourages me,
but for I am not Mary Angie
nor have Lisa on my side,
so I will shut my hopes
since hope only fuels the hunger of a fool
a fool who dreams too big and alive.
Oh dear Mary Angie,
for I am not like you,
a person who dreams and loves…
for I am taught to follow my parents’ dreams
since I can’t dream for myself,
nor truly live or love.
So dear Lisa, I will stop here,
Because I am tired of living in pain and lies…
for I am not Mary Angie,
nor have you on my side.
tree monster came out of the Tennessee hills
walking steadily, but she gave us the chills
she’s in some kind of fix, my zombie friend said.
She looks a bit strange, maybe she is dead.
I thought this was odd for a zombie to say.
Because aren’t they kind of dead? I asked my cousin Kay.
Let’s not talk about that but better hide quick.
This tree monster looks ready for a fight to pick.
We hid in the forest, next to a fallen log.
Everyone was quiet except for my hound dog
She saw that tree monster and wailed to the moon.
I shut my eyes, hoping this would be over soon.
Dracula cats were in the alley that night
they had died in the fifties, and were quite a sight
the rest of the felines were terrified of them
they are devil worshippers, said my cousin Clem
I had no idea if this was true or not
But they looked evil to me, said my Aunt Polka Dot
I got a bad vibe from them both and refused to come out
They paraded up and down the alley, dancing all about.
237.
Prayer When Afraid
Oh Father God, I am afraid
For what they have said
Regarding my tomorrow
That will be filled with sorrow
Oh my Creator, I plea to Thee
When that time comes, don't abandon me
Oh Jesus Christ, I am full of fear
For I sense pain is near
Let me remember Your suffering
When anguish is forthcoming
Oh my Savior, I plea to Thee
When that time comes, You comfort me
Oh Holy Spirit, I am frightened
When everything will be darkened
On that hour I'll be filled with fright
All things will be gloomy on my sight
Oh my Guide, I plea to Thee
When that time comes, shine Your light upon me.
-01/02/2014
(Dumarao)
*My Prayer Poems Collection
I want to pick apart your brain.
Cut it up.
Chew on it.
Consume it.
Digest it.
There’s no reason to be afraid.
It’s simply
–what I do
–who I am:
Brain Surgeon.
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