Poetry Forum

Levi - all messages by user

1/17/2018 12:50:35 PM
Changing Seasons	Any feedback on this verse? Thanks
5/24/2018 2:43:44 PM
What could've been	Your simplicity and theme are evident and clear. You are writing prose here which lends itself to more detail than you have allowed. A common suggestion I hear is to "show' the reader how you felt and not to "tell" them. "You took away the memories" tells the reader how you felt, but I want to feel it; HOW were the memories taken away, or stolen or ripped--HOW. You could use at least one metaphor or simile for the reader to relate to. We all edit, so you get to enjoy it now.
5/25/2018 6:30:09 PM
Mind trick	Very nice Rhythm and rhyme scheme. I love your ending which left my heart on the floor. I prefer rhyme schemes too and get caught in counting my syllables to be sure everything is balanced. I always try to avoid the look of the "forced rhyme." But, yours flows quite fluently and with a little editing you'll reach nirvana. I would also try breaking it up into stanzas to see if its easier to read. Good Luck edited by Levi on 5/25/2018
5/27/2018 3:30:58 PM
Traits of a Long and Happy Relationship	TRAITS OF A LONG & HAPPY RELATIONSHIP Do you want to know the secret of a long and happy relationship? There is an excellent study of adult development that examined people continuously for six to eight decades. This Aging Well(1)study focused on three groups. First is sample of 268 socially advantaged Harvard grads born around 1920. The second group is 456 inner city men born around 1930. The third group is 682 middle-class intellectually gifted women born around 1910. The study involved eight initial in-depth psychiatric interviews to establish a baseline. The follow-up study involved interviews with them, their parents and teachers to get more objective information. Most of subjects were then followed continuously until they passed away. I won’t bore you with all the statistics, but the task of generativity was the best predictor of an enduring and happy marriage in old age. Generativity is basically how involved we have been as parents. We generate and raise our children with a varying degree of involvement. The top four traits from the study for a long and happy marriage are generativity, commitment, tolerance and humor. Generativity is a measure of our caretaker abilities extended into the adult relationship. The skills we use in child rearing certainly include dedicated care-taking, especially when children are young. We make a long-term commitment to our children as a matter of course, and we all know how much tolerance we need when they become adolescents. Humor is a good coping mechanism that helps relieve stress and lighten the intensity of the situation. Good care-taking starts with an attitude of embracing the importance of relationships in general. Those who had a positive and supportive role model from their parents tend to emulate those behaviors when they become parents. But, those who did not develop basic trust with their primary caretaker tend not to be good caretakers themselves. Relationship skills learned in childhood are usually transferred to marriage and other emotional relationships as well. The study may suggest that if your partner was not involved with child-rearing, did not bond in childhood, or is not involved in a care-taking role at work, he may not be involved with the care-taking demands of your relationship going forward. If you do have a partner who wavers on these skills and you want to keep the relationship intact, you might consider adding care-taker development goals. These skills can be learned, of course, as long as there is motivation. If you are single and content to stay that way, you probably want your most reliable friends to have these skills. L. Johnson of www.creativeretirementforwomen.com (1) Vaillant, G. “Aging Well” New York: Little, Brown & Co. 2002. p.113, 123.
11/23/2018 9:56:48 AM
Optical Illusions	No feedback yet?
11/23/2018 10:16:09 AM
Woman (Please critique)	Lets take a look at Franks psychological bias. The only thing that goes flat is Frank since he is unable to say how it goes flat. Classic poets also repeat the same concept in different lines depending on the effect one wants. I don't think "weaker vessel" itself is a cliche since you rarely hear it. Perhaps he means that the "attitude" of women being weaker is a cliche--but, Frank, that is how people think. When I hear the word, "breed", I never think of livestock only people, I guess Frank was raised on a farm. The fact that he likes the implication of violence only displays his repressed anger and long term frustration. So, you may need to clean up some grammer and maybe seperate the stanzas, but no need to re-write the poem in his style. In conclusion, every critic has a clear bias to a style they prefer, but want you really want is to develop your own style. (If Frank sees this, its nothing personal as I just used you as an example; have a great day). edited by Levi on 11/23/2018
1/16/2019 2:09:45 PM
The Belly of Being	The Belly of Being Let your dreams infuse you quake you remake you Change your world in design in purpose in entirety Reverse your history of mistakes of thought of existing Become larger than life to wisdom to compete to survive Carve your personality in motions in minds in stone Preserve your destiny of identity of being of rebirth
2/2/2019 3:26:58 PM
Lost Angeles	Our Lady the Queen of Angels Fraction departed years ago Relinquishing all Godly angles Tarnished by social implosion Sardined by piranha crowds Reshapes ambition’s motion A passage of locust like swarms Hindering any sense of compass A challenge of temper's storms Smog and sulfate life robust Breathe and choke and seethe A brown metal blanket of dust Vice and gangs playground Beware the senseless tomb Compromised life if found Yet, armies of seekers still arrive The fiscally desperate and fallen Need tooth and claw to survive Struggle and bleed to the end Second and third chance society Designed for faults of frantic trends
2/2/2019 3:35:25 PM
Purpose	Well, its not considered poetry unless it has meter and its not free verse unless written in verse. So, I believe what you have is prose. It feels like a short story to me which may be where your strength lies. Have a great day
2/2/2019 3:42:27 PM
The undestined	Its a nice epigram but can use more adjectives to add some color. What type of snow, fantasies, daydreaming, rivers or mountains are they. Also, when you have only a single stanza, you want the final line to have some punch or to say something unexpected. Have a great day
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