For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
10/22/2018 7:37:50 AM
Wendy Nipas
Posts: 38
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Woman
I don’t think that I should teach you
Actually, I don’t prefer
To be neither coach nor tutor
The thought alone won’t make me stir
As a female I’m entitled
To feel as feminine as I can
And don’t judge me for expecting
The validation of a man
Not that I am unaware of
My own value or my pride
I just want to be respected
Though weaker vessel, or despite
May my weakness make me precious
May it force a gentle touch
Can chivalry still be requested?
Or would that be a tad too much?
I still prefer to be a woman
With lady looks and temperament
With girly traits whether odd or silly
I consider them a compliment
What makes me different is a virtue
It makes me special, yes indeed
I was created as a woman
To God the glory for this breed.
Wendy Nipas
edited by wendyme on 10/22/2018
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10/24/2018 7:22:31 PM
Frank Frank
Posts: 15
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First line starts out fine, then everything goes flat in the next two lines, which kind of repeat the first line, right? And the double negative - ouch.
Cliches: "weaker vessel" (does anyone still believe that?), "To God the glory".
"breed": in this context is surely a most distasteful word and anyway you probably mean "gender"; confine "breed" to livestock, please.
"force a gentle touch": maybe unintentional, but I like this anyway - gentleness being forced (implication of violence).
Maybe try stripping this down to half its length. Perhaps first write out what you want to say in declarative sentences, probably only about two or three needed. Then rewrite them using more poetic language, rhythm, etc. Be sure to read aloud at all stages - if you don't hear at least a little music, well, try again.
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10/24/2018 7:34:01 PM
Jay Moore
Posts: 2
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I liked it . it came from your heart.
--
Jay Moore
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10/27/2018 8:09:40 AM
Wendy Nipas
Posts: 38
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mooren2mymind wrote:
I liked it . it came from your heart.
Thank you Jay, it sure did.
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10/27/2018 8:11:41 AM
Wendy Nipas
Posts: 38
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Thank you FrankFrank. Actually the poem is witten as a rebuttal to those mocking the feminine woman and those who look down on women as being less than men. Therefore my particular choice of words. The poem is about a woman proudly claiming her Godgiven role, qualities and privileges. Thanks for your frank observations.
[1quote=Frank]First line starts out fine, then everything goes flat in the next two lines, which kind of repeat the first line, right? And the double negative - ouch.
Cliches: "weaker vessel" (does anyone still believe that?), "To God the glory".
"breed": in this context is surely a most distasteful word and anyway you probably mean "gender"; confine "breed" to livestock, please.
"force a gentle touch": maybe unintentional, but I like this anyway - gentleness being forced (implication of violence).
Maybe try stripping this down to half its length. Perhaps first write out what you want to say in declarative sentences, probably only about two or three needed. Then rewrite them using more poetic language, rhythm, etc. Be sure to read aloud at all stages - if you don't hear at least a little music, well, try again.
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11/12/2018 5:50:47 AM
Carolyn Fish
Posts: 12
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I agree with Frank on reading aloud and making sure the rhythm is on point. The poem has good rhythm in certain areas, but is a bit awkward in other areas. In my opinion, a poem should not only be consistent in the story it tells, but also consistent stylistically.
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11/16/2018 12:30:32 PM
Wendy Nipas
Posts: 38
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Thank you Carolyn. I'll take your suggestion to heart. I'm still learning. Thanks for replying though.
Carolyn Fish wrote:
I agree with Frank on reading aloud and making sure the rhythm is on point. The poem has good rhythm in certain areas, but is a bit awkward in other areas. In my opinion, a poem should not only be consistent in the story it tells, but also consistent stylistically.
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11/23/2018 10:16:09 AM
levi johnson
Posts: 10
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Lets take a look at Franks psychological bias. The only thing that goes flat is Frank since he is unable to say how it goes flat. Classic poets also repeat the same concept in different lines depending on the effect one wants. I don't think "weaker vessel" itself is a cliche since you rarely hear it. Perhaps he means that the "attitude" of women being weaker is a cliche--but, Frank, that is how people think.
When I hear the word, "breed", I never think of livestock only people, I guess Frank was raised on a farm. The fact that he likes the implication of violence only displays his repressed anger and long term frustration. So, you may need to clean up some grammer and maybe seperate the stanzas, but no need to re-write the poem in his style.
In conclusion, every critic has a clear bias to a style they prefer, but want you really want is to develop your own style. (If Frank sees this, its nothing personal as I just used you as an example; have a great day).
edited by Levi on 11/23/2018
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11/26/2018 11:07:26 AM
Wendy Nipas
Posts: 38
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Thank You Levi. It's funny how different the reactions are to this poem. I do value all of them. It shows that the poem is interesting. Why do people want me to break up my poems in stanzas though? That's the only advice I refuse to take (lol). Other than that, I understand and I appreciate all the reactions. Thank you so much.
Levi wrote:
Lets take a look at Franks psychological bias. The only thing that goes flat is Frank since he is unable to say how it goes flat. Classic poets also repeat the same concept in different lines depending on the effect one wants. I don't think "weaker vessel" itself is a cliche since you rarely hear it. Perhaps he means that the "attitude" of women being weaker is a cliche--but, Frank, that is how people think.
When I hear the word, "breed", I never think of livestock only people, I guess Frank was raised on a farm. The fact that he likes the implication of violence only displays his repressed anger and long term frustration. So, you may need to clean up some grammer and maybe seperate the stanzas, but no need to re-write the poem in his style.
In conclusion, every critic has a clear bias to a style they prefer, but want you really want is to develop your own style. (If Frank sees this, its nothing personal as I just used you as an example; have a great day).
edited by Levi on 11/23/2018
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