Poetry Forum

Forum Home » High Critique » Mind trick

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!

5/1/2018 9:52:13 AM Wendy Nipas Posts: 38	Mind trick As I enter I am conscious Of the dangers and effects Even though it is alluring I’ll regret in retrospect But my mind just keeps persisting This time too it’ll have its way Even though I’m well acquainted With the things it will display And it’s just like at the movies I am ready and all set Soon my mind will start projecting All the things I must forget And I sit there while reliving Awful things that made me sad All the while infatuated By the impact they once had Though petrified I keep on viewing Now and then I make a sound I now see to my confusion That these visuals still haunt But the courage still eludes me To get up and leave this space And the horrors I’m enduring Can be seen upon my face As I slowly am regaining The awareness that I lost I agree my mind has tricked me To forget what it would cost So again I start the struggle To escape the void I’m in With a temporary promise Not to enter here again.
	• permalink • reply with quote
5/1/2018 4:38:53 PM Jenny Dillon Posts: 9	Has a nice beat to most of it, but some of the lines are slightly too long and don’t fit the rhythm, I would also consider adding a rhyme into the last few lines and it’s as if the tune is unfinished when you read it out, overall though I really enjoyed it -- I don't have a signature.
	• permalink • reply with quote
5/10/2018 9:00:53 AM Wendy Nipas Posts: 38	Thank you so much.
	• permalink • reply with quote
5/25/2018 6:30:09 PM levi johnson Posts: 10	Very nice Rhythm and rhyme scheme. I love your ending which left my heart on the floor. I prefer rhyme schemes too and get caught in counting my syllables to be sure everything is balanced. I always try to avoid the look of the "forced rhyme." But, yours flows quite fluently and with a little editing you'll reach nirvana. I would also try breaking it up into stanzas to see if its easier to read. Good Luck edited by Levi on 5/25/2018
	• permalink • reply with quote