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Deb Wilson

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The tears of a clown...

Blog Posted by Deb Wilson: 8/14/2014 12:58:00 AM

I haven't been on here much lately to my regret. It seems I have not had a lot of inspiration these days and I truly do not know why that is.I have missed writing and putting my thoughts down creatively ! And hopefully bringing enjoyment to somebody out there...yet now with this deep sadness I feel over the loss of Robin Williams I feel the need to share some very personal thoughts.And hoping you will accept them in the spirit in which they were given. I too suffer from severe depression and have been diagnosed (some years ago) with bi-polar disorder.Mine is most of the time under control with medication and I have been through lots of therapy and treatment...I can say that I now live a happy and fulfilled life with lots of dear friends and the love of my family but I have been through years of heartache and misery. Not to mention being completely misunderstood and at times harshly judged by uneducated people.But I traveled my road to recovery and eventually found my way to the whole and happy being that I now am! I have learned SO much about mental illness and I try hard through organizations I belong to and just by talking to people and telling my story to enlighten folks and let them know that mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of and it is so much more common than you realize...Also it is not something you choose to have any more than you would heart disease or diabetes or any other illness.The endearing clown Robin Williams who made us laugh so much and who personally always cheered me up hid his pain and it hurts me to know this...I wish I could have sat on my front porch with him and talked about anything and everything.There have been horrible comments about his selfishness and cowardice for taking his own life and that just makes me so angry! Depression or any other mental illness is not something you can control without some kind of help...it just isn't. We need to educate ourselves and not judge so terribly that which we either don't understand or have not yet experienced...and thank God for that too...I love you all and hope to be on here alot more often just like I used to be.I miss you! Bless you and thanks for listening..love and big bear hugs...Deb

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Thomas
Mansfield

Date: 8/18/2014 5:22:00 PM

Hi Deb, Thank you for your lovely, intense, profound words, written from the heart by someone who understands. Only from the depths of despair can someone drag themselves up. Sometimes the going gets a little too tough and the effort seems unsurmountable. Some get tired, give up. Others manage to struggle back over the precipice, only to look down - then at those around them who have been waiting - and quip, "WOW! WHAT A RIDE" They don't see the anguish, the pain, the hurt and the utter desolation... they are just happy to see you back to your normal "clown self". Welcome back. I don't know you, but I have been to those lonely, silent places too.. where the silence screams loud.

Eileen
Manassian

Date: 8/15/2014 5:11:00 PM

Oh Deb...Bless you for sharing this!!! I'm so proud of you for being courageous enough to speak out. We are FB friends so you know my thoughts and feelings about this. I speak out too...to bring awareness. There is no shame in admitting the need for outside intervention. I know how you feel...I've been there too. I'm sending you bear hugs, my dear. I applaud you. I'm heartbroken over Robin as well....The world just doesn't understand what it's like to be on the edge, tired of it all, and unable to go on. Empathy is a rare thing. XOXOXO

Andrea
Dietrich

Date: 8/15/2014 12:16:00 AM

I'm so glad your condition is under control with medication. I suppose other things made even the medications not work for Robin Williams. Yes, shame on those who talk about him cruelly. I have always been a very upbeat person myself, but last year was so bad for me financially and in other ways, i started to relate with how depressed people must feel on a regular basis, and it's a terrible feeling. I could honestly realize how feeling that way constantly in one's life would make one not want to live a long time. A very fine blog, dear.

Carrie
Richards

Date: 8/14/2014 3:58:00 PM

The courage to share your own personal struggle, will help someone else..perhaps here, within our soup family.I applaud you for sharing your own story. This is the perfect time, when this tragedy is in everyone's mind, for it often opens eyes, and gains better attention, when it involves someone who is so well known and loved.We need to talk about it, not resist it, not be afraid to mention it.Mental illness is in every family, in some form or another, let's face it..it touches each life just as cancer or heart disease, in some way, often it is someone we love. Good for you for creating this dialogue today! We can take the first steps to awareness more than ever, given this opportunity.

Kabuteng P.Ink
K.

Date: 8/14/2014 11:48:00 AM

Hi Deb, thank you for sharing this part of you with us--- that is really good to know that you were able to get the love and support from your loved ones & that you are happy...I agree with what you say about trying not to judge people-- we never truly do know what is going on with others' lives, & what we tell others can break them, yes it's hard not to judge sometimes, but we should at least try to put ourselves in their shoes, I think this could help in trying to be more sympathetic. Robin's death also brings to light the dangers of depression, it's a wake up call, it shouldn't be taken lightly, let's be more aware of the people around us, be more feeling towards others. God bless you Deb

Cyndi
Macmillan

Date: 8/14/2014 9:25:00 AM

What a brave and loving blog you have here... I love what you have said and how you have said it. But, I am the daughter of a mother who committed suicide .. and the anguish I felt when she died only dimmed, never truly left me. Suicide is a desperate act brought on by unbearable pain and a loss of the ability to properly reason. It is, however, an act that only sees self. I am NOT saying it is self-ish. I am saying that loved ones would never do this act if they were able to see BEYOND SELF at that moment when they choose to take their lives. Loving people can still commit suicide.. but they do not see the devastation they leave behind. I had so much anger, at first. Now just sorrow...xoxo

Eileen Manassian
Date: 8/15/2014 5:25:00 PM

Deb....Deb...I'm glad your sister was able to help pull you back. I'm so sorry that your heart broke...so sorry. How can people break hearts and not think of consequences? I'm so happy that you are well and happy now. :) Your sister felt pain at seeing you suffer...there in the hospital...but I'm sure that her love for you never faltered. Keep speaking out and bringing awareness. You are touching lives...and helping people understand...THEY ARE NOT ALONE! Hugs...

Eileen Manassian
Date: 8/15/2014 5:22:00 PM

It seems the only way out. I've read an article on this...about accountability and about how God sees this. The author, a Bible scholar, stated that it was his belief that God will not hold a person accountable for something he/she has done when their reasoning power has been compromised due to severe pain. There is hope...even for those who go this route. Cyndi...I hope I haven't said anything offensive. I wish I could give you a hug and take some of your pain....I've told my daughter once..."If for any reason I 'go' remember that I'm no longer in pain and be happy for me. Life is too tough." Crazy?

Eileen Manassian
Date: 8/15/2014 5:17:00 PM

So sorry Cyndi for your loss. I can't even begin to understand the pain you went through. The person who wants to end it sometimes thinks that those who are left behind will be better off without him/her. Remember that...I know. You think...after a period of grieving they will deal better without the constant struggles that I put them through with this. So...selfish? I don't know...it could be....it could also be a way of leaving peace. Remember, Cyndi...at the moment...reasoning is compromised...the pain is too great.

Deb Wilson
Date: 8/14/2014 10:12:00 AM

Some years ago I went through a terrible break up...in fact I was literally left at the altar on my wedding day. I was so angry and wrapped up in despair all at the same time..and I snapped...I attempted suicide and nearly died.my dear sister was called long distance and told I probably would not make it thru the night.She drove for hours to come to the hospital and I finally woke up to her grasping my hand and weeping.What I did to her was terrible but I never considered the pain this would cause.I only wanted to sink into nothingness.I regret it to this day but I know I didn't do it to hurt her.I have learned much over these years and a quote I really love says "Don't use a terrible solution to a temporary problem...there is always some sort of hope " xoxo

Deb Wilson
Date: 8/14/2014 9:58:00 AM

Thank you Cyndi for your loving comments...I most certainly agree that people in the dark throes of depression cannot even see the devastation they will leave behind yet at these times they usually are just unable to...S0 sorry for your pain of losing your mom ...some things seem nearly impossible to accept. Yet I know from my own experiences and that of others that these people still love very much it's just that the unbearable pain makes it impossible to truly feel anything but despair. Depression is a cruel master...Bless you Cyndi...

Cyndi Macmillan
Date: 8/14/2014 9:34:00 AM

PS Continued... so I went home. Talked to my husband, told him Robin Williams will be dead before the year is up. And he said, "you're reading too much into it because of your own experiences." and I said, "I saw his pain. How couldn't they? It was right below the surface. His smile, laugh, act... all forced out of him... like he HAD to be a certain Robin." I wanted so badly to be wrong. His death is so sad.

Cyndi Macmillan
Date: 8/14/2014 9:34:00 AM

PS ... last reply ... Depression is no different than cancer and the stigma attached to it MUST END. We need to talk about it. We need to support all those who have it. We need to help others understand. love to ya, Deb. Thank YOU!!!

Cyndi Macmillan
Date: 8/14/2014 9:30:00 AM

PS--just a few weeks ago I was working out and Robin was on the tv at the fitness club... no sound. Closed captioned was on. I STARTED TO CRY. Not sobs, just misted eyes I had to keep swiping. See, I COULD SEE IT. He was performing for them like a trained seal. They put up Mork.. and there was something HUNTED in his eyes. The crowd was laughing and here I was crying...

Cyndi Macmillan
Date: 8/14/2014 9:27:00 AM

The one person I know who said that Robin Williams' suicide was selfish had HIMSELF lost someone through suicide... so his anger (though also misunderstood) comes from a place of personal pain and heartbreak.

Robert
Lindley

Date: 8/14/2014 7:46:00 AM

Depression is a very greatly misunderstood illness. I have two close relatives that suffer from it and both take meds for it. Thanks for sharing ....

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The tears of a clown...

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