Home » Poetry » Blogs » The tears of a clown...

The tears of a clown... - Deb Wilson's Blog

About Deb Wilson

(Show Details...)

Home
Past Blogs
Poems
Photos
Fav Poems
Fav Poets

The tears of a clown...

Blog Posted:8/14/2014 12:58:00 AM

I haven't been on here much lately to my regret. It seems I have not had a lot of inspiration these days and I truly do not know why that is.I have missed writing and putting my thoughts down creatively ! And hopefully bringing enjoyment to somebody out there...yet now with this deep sadness I feel over the loss of Robin Williams I feel the need to share some very personal thoughts.And hoping you will accept them in the spirit in which they were given. I too suffer from severe depression and have been diagnosed (some years ago) with bi-polar disorder.Mine is most of the time under control with medication and I have been through lots of therapy and treatment...I can say that I now live a happy and fulfilled life with lots of dear friends and the love of my family but I have been through years of heartache and misery. Not to mention being completely misunderstood and at times harshly judged by uneducated people.But I traveled my road to recovery and eventually found my way to the whole and happy being that I now am! I have learned SO much about mental illness and I try hard through organizations I belong to and just by talking to people and telling my story to enlighten folks and let them know that mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of and it is so much more common than you realize...Also it is not something you choose to have any more than you would heart disease or diabetes or any other illness.The endearing clown Robin Williams who made us laugh so much and who personally always cheered me up hid his pain and it hurts me to know this...I wish I could have sat on my front porch with him and talked about anything and everything.There have been horrible comments about his selfishness and cowardice for taking his own life and that just makes me so angry! Depression or any other mental illness is not something you can control without some kind of help...it just isn't. We need to educate ourselves and not judge so terribly that which we either don't understand or have not yet experienced...and thank God for that too...I love you all and hope to be on here alot more often just like I used to be.I miss you! Bless you and thanks for listening..love and big bear hugs...Deb

Post Comments

Please Login to post a comment

Thomas
Mansfield

Date: 8/18/2014 5:22:00 PM

Hi Deb, Thank you for your lovely, intense, profound words, written from the heart by someone who understands. Only from the depths of despair can someone drag themselves up. Sometimes the going gets a little too tough and the effort seems unsurmountable. Some get tired, give up. Others manage to struggle back over the precipice, only to look down - then at those around them who have been waiting - and quip, "WOW! WHAT A RIDE" They don't see the anguish, the pain, the hurt and the utter desolation... they are just happy to see you back to your normal "clown self". Welcome back. I don't know you, but I have been to those lonely, silent places too.. where the silence screams loud.

Eileen
Manassian

Date: 8/15/2014 5:11:00 PM

Oh Deb...Bless you for sharing this!!! I'm so proud of you for being courageous enough to speak out. We are FB friends so you know my thoughts and feelings about this. I speak out too...to bring awareness. There is no shame in admitting the need for outside intervention. I know how you feel...I've been there too. I'm sending you bear hugs, my dear. I applaud you. I'm heartbroken over Robin as well....The world just doesn't understand what it's like to be on the edge, tired of it all, and unable to go on. Empathy is a rare thing. XOXOXO

Andrea
Dietrich

Date: 8/15/2014 12:16:00 AM

I'm so glad your condition is under control with medication. I suppose other things made even the medications not work for Robin Williams. Yes, shame on those who talk about him cruelly. I have always been a very upbeat person myself, but last year was so bad for me financially and in other ways, i started to relate with how depressed people must feel on a regular basis, and it's a terrible feeling. I could honestly realize how feeling that way constantly in one's life would make one not want to live a long time. A very fine blog, dear.

Carrie
Richards

Date: 8/14/2014 3:58:00 PM

The courage to share your own personal struggle, will help someone else..perhaps here, within our soup family.I applaud you for sharing your own story. This is the perfect time, when this tragedy is in everyone's mind, for it often opens eyes, and gains better attention, when it involves someone who is so well known and loved.We need to talk about it, not resist it, not be afraid to mention it.Mental illness is in every family, in some form or another, let's face it..it touches each life just as cancer or heart disease, in some way, often it is someone we love. Good for you for creating this dialogue today! We can take the first steps to awareness more than ever, given this opportunity.

kabuteng P.iNk
k.

Date: 8/14/2014 11:48:00 AM

Hi Deb, thank you for sharing this part of you with us--- that is really good to know that you were able to get the love and support from your loved ones & that you are happy...I agree with what you say about trying not to judge people-- we never truly do know what is going on with others' lives, & what we tell others can break them, yes it's hard not to judge sometimes, but we should at least try to put ourselves in their shoes, I think this could help in trying to be more sympathetic. Robin's death also brings to light the dangers of depression, it's a wake up call, it shouldn't be taken lightly, let's be more aware of the people around us, be more feeling towards others. God bless you Deb

Cyndi
MacMillan

Date: 8/14/2014 9:25:00 AM

What a brave and loving blog you have here... I love what you have said and how you have said it. But, I am the daughter of a mother who committed suicide .. and the anguish I felt when she died only dimmed, never truly left me. Suicide is a desperate act brought on by unbearable pain and a loss of the ability to properly reason. It is, however, an act that only sees self. I am NOT saying it is self-ish. I am saying that loved ones would never do this act if they were able to see BEYOND SELF at that moment when they choose to take their lives. Loving people can still commit suicide.. but they do not see the devastation they leave behind. I had so much anger, at first. Now just sorrow...xoxo

Eileen Manassian
Date: 8/15/2014 5:25:00 PM

Deb....Deb...I'm glad your sister was able to help pull you back. I'm so sorry that your heart broke...so sorry. How can people break hearts and not think of consequences? I'm so happy that you are well and happy now. :) Your sister felt pain at seeing you suffer...there in the hospital...but I'm sure that her love for you never faltered. Keep speaking out and bringing awareness. You are touching lives...and helping people understand...THEY ARE NOT ALONE! Hugs...

Eileen Manassian
Date: 8/15/2014 5:22:00 PM

It seems the only way out. I've read an article on this...about accountability and about how God sees this. The author, a Bible scholar, stated that it was his belief that God will not hold a person accountable for something he/she has done when their reasoning power has been compromised due to severe pain. There is hope...even for those who go this route. Cyndi...I hope I haven't said anything offensive. I wish I could give you a hug and take some of your pain....I've told my daughter once..."If for any reason I 'go' remember that I'm no longer in pain and be happy for me. Life is too tough." Crazy?

Eileen Manassian
Date: 8/15/2014 5:17:00 PM

So sorry Cyndi for your loss. I can't even begin to understand the pain you went through. The person who wants to end it sometimes thinks that those who are left behind will be better off without him/her. Remember that...I know. You think...after a period of grieving they will deal better without the constant struggles that I put them through with this. So...selfish? I don't know...it could be....it could also be a way of leaving peace. Remember, Cyndi...at the moment...reasoning is compromised...the pain is too great.

Deb Wilson
Date: 8/14/2014 10:12:00 AM

Some years ago I went through a terrible break up...in fact I was literally left at the altar on my wedding day. I was so angry and wrapped up in despair all at the same time..and I snapped...I attempted suicide and nearly died.my dear sister was called long distance and told I probably would not make it thru the night.She drove for hours to come to the hospital and I finally woke up to her grasping my hand and weeping.What I did to her was terrible but I never considered the pain this would cause.I only wanted to sink into nothingness.I regret it to this day but I know I didn't do it to hurt her.I have learned much over these years and a quote I really love says "Don't use a terrible solution to a temporary problem...there is always some sort of hope " xoxo

Deb Wilson
Date: 8/14/2014 9:58:00 AM

Thank you Cyndi for your loving comments...I most certainly agree that people in the dark throes of depression cannot even see the devastation they will leave behind yet at these times they usually are just unable to...S0 sorry for your pain of losing your mom ...some things seem nearly impossible to accept. Yet I know from my own experiences and that of others that these people still love very much it's just that the unbearable pain makes it impossible to truly feel anything but despair. Depression is a cruel master...Bless you Cyndi...

Cyndi MacMillan
Date: 8/14/2014 9:34:00 AM

PS ... last reply ... Depression is no different than cancer and the stigma attached to it MUST END. We need to talk about it. We need to support all those who have it. We need to help others understand. love to ya, Deb. Thank YOU!!!

Cyndi MacMillan
Date: 8/14/2014 9:34:00 AM

PS Continued... so I went home. Talked to my husband, told him Robin Williams will be dead before the year is up. And he said, "you're reading too much into it because of your own experiences." and I said, "I saw his pain. How couldn't they? It was right below the surface. His smile, laugh, act... all forced out of him... like he HAD to be a certain Robin." I wanted so badly to be wrong. His death is so sad.

Cyndi MacMillan
Date: 8/14/2014 9:30:00 AM

PS--just a few weeks ago I was working out and Robin was on the tv at the fitness club... no sound. Closed captioned was on. I STARTED TO CRY. Not sobs, just misted eyes I had to keep swiping. See, I COULD SEE IT. He was performing for them like a trained seal. They put up Mork.. and there was something HUNTED in his eyes. The crowd was laughing and here I was crying...

Cyndi MacMillan
Date: 8/14/2014 9:27:00 AM

The one person I know who said that Robin Williams' suicide was selfish had HIMSELF lost someone through suicide... so his anger (though also misunderstood) comes from a place of personal pain and heartbreak.

Robert
Lindley

Date: 8/14/2014 7:46:00 AM

Depression is a very greatly misunderstood illness. I have two close relatives that suffer from it and both take meds for it. Thanks for sharing ....

My Past Blog Posts


Wishing everyone an awesome 2015 ! Date Posted: 12/29/2014 10:16:00 PM
The tears of a clown... Date Posted: 8/14/2014 12:58:00 AM
Wishing you all an awesome 4th of July ! Date Posted: 7/3/2014 11:46:00 PM
Home and doing fine! Date Posted: 5/25/2014 1:32:00 PM
I need your positive thoughts... Date Posted: 5/18/2014 1:15:00 AM
Happy St. Patrick's Day ! Date Posted: 3/17/2014 8:22:00 AM
What is your favorite song ? Date Posted: 2/17/2014 4:22:00 AM
Colloquialisms...local flavor? Date Posted: 2/4/2014 10:34:00 PM
Best wishes for a happy New Year! Date Posted: 12/29/2013 11:04:00 PM
Merry Christmas to everyone!! Date Posted: 12/24/2013 8:36:00 PM
short story contest Date Posted: 12/19/2013 5:14:00 AM
Is there such a thing as getting Christmas spirit too early?? Date Posted: 11/22/2013 1:39:00 AM
new contest... The Perfect Christmas Gift Date Posted: 11/19/2013 5:39:00 PM
Crossing That Bridge contest is judged and posted... Date Posted: 11/6/2013 3:25:00 AM
I now have a new contest posted......"Crossing That Bridge" Date Posted: 10/23/2013 4:43:00 PM
So awesome to be with you all again... Date Posted: 10/12/2013 1:51:00 AM
Here is a funny story to make Frank chuckle and feel better! Date Posted: 7/20/2013 2:27:00 PM
The Doctor and The Lawyer Date Posted: 6/20/2013 4:30:00 AM
Computers:Male or Female?? Date Posted: 6/17/2013 6:08:00 PM
Some One- Liners For Ya Date Posted: 5/16/2013 11:30:00 PM
Sorry I haven't been around much lately... Date Posted: 5/13/2013 11:57:00 PM
Deep hidden meaning (NOT) in this raspberry!!! Date Posted: 4/29/2013 5:14:00 AM
Here is a stinker of mine!! Date Posted: 4/25/2013 3:10:00 PM
The Rainbow Bridge Date Posted: 4/21/2013 6:26:00 AM
Happy Easter to each one of you Date Posted: 3/29/2013 9:56:00 PM

My Recent Poems

Date Posted	PoemTitle	Form	Categories
2/8/2016	A Peaceful Easy Feeling	Rhyme	music,peace,
2/8/2016	In Love With The One Who Always Makes Me Laugh	Rhyme	joy,soulmate,true love,
9/8/2015	Justice For The Four Legged Ones	Rhyme	abuse,animal,planet,
9/8/2015	Self Inflicted Foggy Harbor	Couplet	depression,suicide,
9/1/2015	A Walk In The Park	Free verse	feelings,granddaughter,gr
7/26/2015	Love In A Far Off Place-Sail Around The World	Rhyme	adventure,love,ocean,soul
7/25/2015	Be Happy	Rhyme	happiness,life,
6/7/2015	Five Fun Footles	Footle	animal,funny,
5/28/2015	A Life Painted With Poetry-A Poet's Worth	Rhyme	identity,poets,writing,
5/28/2015	Donut Shop Jingle	Couplet	food,happy,
5/18/2015	Send Them Straight To Hellfire	Couplet	anger,animal,children,evi
5/18/2015	A Tabby Named Garfield	Rhyme	cat,character,humor,
5/13/2015	Lovelight	Rhyme	boyfriend,love,
5/13/2015	Learning The Language Of Dolphins	Rhyme	adventure,ocean,
5/13/2015	Call Me Firestarter	Couplet	school,teenage,
5/10/2015	I Am A Swan	Rhyme	bird,hope,love,
4/19/2015	Warm Campfire Memories	Rhyme	friendship,memory,
4/16/2015	My Story--Deb Wilson	Rhyme	forgiveness,life,self,
3/7/2015	Comes An Angel's Light	Free verse	angel,fear,hope,
2/27/2015	My Baby Is A Toe Curler	Rhyme	feelings,love,lust,passio
2/18/2015	The Sixties	Rhyme	america,music,time,war,
2/10/2015	Pages In The Book Of My Life	Rhyme	adventure,life,
2/7/2015	Life Is Like A Maypole	Couplet	beauty,dance,joy,
1/26/2015	Punxy Phil I Am	Rhyme	animal,spring,winter,
1/18/2015	A Place In The Sun	Couplet	blessing,god,jesus,love,
1/17/2015	Canyons Of The Heart	Rhyme	feelings,happiness,hope,
1/13/2015	Hope Is A Beautifully Feathered Bird	Diminished Hexaverse	hope,life,
1/4/2015	This Year	Quintain (English)	hope,new year,
1/3/2015	Summer	Couplet	beach,summer,sun,
1/2/2015	Chance For Renewal	Rhyme	growth,hope,new year,
12/2/2014	Captain Of Our Own Ship	Rhyme	depression,encouraging,ho
9/8/2014	Pets Should Be Beloved Not Beaten	Rhyme	anger,pets,
9/1/2014	Love And Laughter	Tanka	funny love,smile,
8/31/2014	Summer's End	Couplet	autumn,beauty,seasons,sum
7/25/2014	elixer of passion	Senryu	love,passion,
7/21/2014	The Cat's Meow And Then Some	Couplet	cat,heartbroken,passion,
6/26/2014	The Cougar With The Green Thumb	Limerick	funny,garden,sexy,
6/24/2014	My Greenest Heaven	Couplet	appreciation,beauty,mount
6/8/2014	Magnificent Beings Of The Sea	Rhyme	beautiful,fantasy,sea,
6/5/2014	Destiny	Haiku	dream,future,self,
3/24/2014	Tanka For Chris	Tanka	humor,joy,
3/23/2014	The Years Had Stolen Her Smile	Rhyme	age,death,depression,
3/20/2014	Squandered Heart	Rhyme	betrayal,break up,lost lo
3/14/2014	When Fur Flies And Worlds Collide	Rhyme	cat,dog,funny,
3/13/2014	Memories On Branches	Couplet	change,nature,seasons,
3/9/2014	Life Lessons	Couplet	angst,life,
3/9/2014	Petey's Magical Lizard	Rhyme	children,fantasy,
3/9/2014	Who You Callin' Fattie-A Limerick	Limerick	funny love,husband,
3/9/2014	Imagine This-First Date,First Kiss	Rhyme	dad,daughter,mother,teen,
3/8/2014	Guests On This Earth	Rhyme	beautiful,earth,nature,
3/8/2014	Crystal Clear Tapestry	Rhyme	age,growth,joy,
3/3/2014	The Umbrella Effect	Rhyme	love,people,world,
3/2/2014	Badly Bent Not Broken	Rhyme	boyfriend,heartbroken,los
2/26/2014	A Child's Bermuda Memories	Rhyme	adventure,beauty,children
2/22/2014	Feel The Moon	Rhyme	anti bullying,introspecti
2/17/2014	Time Is Of The Essence	Rhyme	rude,self,time,
2/17/2014	My Glorious Secret Garden	Free verse	beauty,garden,
2/16/2014	The Butterfly Whisperer	Ballad	april,butterfly,may,sprin
2/15/2014	Whispers Of Light	Rhyme	angel,fear,love,
2/15/2014	Feeling The Love-Perfect Harmony	Rhyme	devotion,love,
2/13/2014	Breezes Over Bridges	Rhyme	depression,introspection,
2/6/2014	Song Of A New Season	Quintain (English)	seasons,spring,sun,
2/6/2014	Born Of His Spirit	Rhyme	devotion,jesus,love,
2/5/2014	Emma	Kimo	grandmother,love,
1/30/2014	Essence Of Your Love	Rhyme	love,passion,
1/23/2014	Love Is a Joyous Promise	Couplet	love,passion,
1/21/2014	Through My Midnight Window	Kimo	introspection,night,
1/21/2014	Let Her Life Bloom	Free verse	courage,growth,hope,
1/19/2014	Sundown of Love	Rhyme	angst,heartbroken,love hu
1/17/2014	To Love In Weakness Or Grow Strong	Rhyme	heartbroken,love,
1/14/2014	Let Your Path Lead Back To Me	Couplet	heartbroken,love hurts,mi
1/12/2014	night moves	Senryu	dark,dream,night,
1/11/2014	Ablaze With Imaginings Of The Soul	Free verse	imagination,night,writing
1/11/2014	eyes of beauty	Haiku	beautiful,cat,love,pets,
1/11/2014	Month of the Garnet	Rhyme	hope,january,
1/9/2014	Diamonds In The Sky	Rhyme	feelings,light,sky,
1/6/2014	Mr Lonely	Lyric	break up,moving on,music,
1/6/2014	Sun Dancing	Tanka	celebration,dance,sun,
1/6/2014	White-Knuckled Courage	Couplet	courage,depression,happin
12/30/2013	When Love Does Not Spell Passion	Couplet	feelings,passion,sorrow,
12/29/2013	Bird In A Tux	Personification	animal,sea,
12/24/2013	A Child's Christmas	Couplet	childhood,christmas,
12/19/2013	After The Storm	Couplet	i love you,joy,
12/17/2013	Santa Let Me Be The Giver	Epic	christmas,giving,
12/5/2013	Purple Majesty	Free verse	color,mountains,
12/2/2013	Six-Stringed Miracle	Rhyme	beautiful,joy,music,
11/26/2013	THANKSGIVING GRATITUDE	Acrostic	thanksgiving,
11/26/2013	Quite The Conceited Cook	Rhyme	food,jealousy,
11/24/2013	Loving The Season	Verse	celebration,christmas,sea
11/24/2013	Touch Like Fire	Rhyme	lust,passion,
11/22/2013	Painting A Picture With Sister In It	Rhyme	love,sister,
11/22/2013	Christmas Magic	Rhyme	christmas,family,friend,
11/21/2013	Tragic Holidays	Tanka	bereavement,christmas,hus
11/18/2013	Transcend	Rhyme	i love you,journey,
11/18/2013	The Warmth In A Winter's Night	Quintain (English)	eve,love,winter,
11/18/2013	notes from above	Monoku	hope,music,
11/16/2013	Dazzling Fragrance Of The Rain	Rhyme	beautiful,rain,
11/16/2013	Love Is Many Splendored	Rhyme	heart,love,
11/12/2013	A Torn Heart Lives On	Couplet	best friend,death,sorrow,
11/10/2013	Loving The Night--SF	Free verse	love,night,passion,

My Photos

Fav Poems

No Fav Poems Selected

Fav Poets

Poet	Country
Andrea Dietrich	United States	Read
Joyce Johnson	United States	Read
Poet Destroyer A	United States	Read
Carrie Richards	United States	Read
Seren Roberts	United Kingdom	Read
Deb Wilson	United States	Read

Poetry Forum Areas

Introduce Yourself

Looking for a Poem

Writing Poetry

High Critique

How do I...?

You have an ad blocker! We understand, but...