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Jennifer Reynolds Poem
Outwardly I may appear mildly angry.
Inside an inferno rages.
In my head the voices whisper,
and I fight what they tell me,
I blare music to drown it out.
Alone, I fight, as always.
I can't trust anyone enough
to let them in.
I play my part,
and I try hard to hide.
I staple my mask to my face
and the blood trickles down,
on the inside.
Running into my eyes,
filling my mouth,
and I suffocate on my emotions.
My heart slowly ices over.
I wake each day
hoping my mask won't slip.
Hoping I can control my panic
My despair, my numbness
My misery.
I paint a smile on my face,
on top of the mask,
while the battle rages on
in my mind.
The voices, they whisper,
they remind me
my guns on my desk,
my pills are in my drawer
They nudge at me while driving
one sharp turn
and I'll be no more.
I can't stop the pain
that's destroying me
Inside.
and still I fight.
Copyright © Jennifer Reynolds | Year Posted 2019
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Jennifer Reynolds Poem
Just a shadow
of who I used to be.
My heart has been scorched
my soul sun bleached
Both full of holes
and ragged edges
I gave up what defined me
I dropped my morals
I raised my boundaries
and I've pushed everyone outside
of the walls I have erected
around me.
Still I smile
I hug, I kiss, I laugh.
All hollow, empty echos
of how I used to
The brightness that was me
has faded away
like old blue jeans
parts of me are worn threadbare
I can't get myself back
Who I used to be has died
I can simply try to play
this empty echos part
a simple understudy
an empty heart
a devastated mind.
Copyright © Jennifer Reynolds | Year Posted 2019
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Jennifer Reynolds Poem
How is it possible to feel so much
and be so very numb at the same time?
How am I supposed to be able to trust
When each time that I think I am safe
I am shown again how little I am worth,.
I feel small and numb. Cold and resentful.
and thunderous and indignant-
There is a tornado of emotions in my heart
and a blizzard of thoughts in my head.
My soul feels shattered, again.
I'm tired of rebuilding my heart, and stitching together
the pieces of my soul with hope.
What I thought was an everlasting
supply of hope and trust and faith
has run out
The empty fumes waft up
and remind me
of the person I used to be.
Years ago
Before the destruction of
what used to make me shine.
Resentment, anger and paranoia
cloud my once clear mind.
I am turning in circles, trying to find,
a way out of this fog of lethargy
caused by the infection in my light
The shadow of doubt in my eyes
the longing for something long gone-
tarnished. warped. disturbed.
I feel unreal-
like a cardboard character
in a badly written novel.
With a vague plot, full of heartbreak and rage.
I take all that I feel,
all i wish wasn't real-
and try and cram it into a black box-
in the corner of my heart-
the Box that casts the shadow
that lurks in my eyes-
the window to my soul-
tainted, shattered.
held together by the thin strands
of my heart
stretched to their breaking point.
I cant shove it all in.
the Shadow Box is full.
so the poison leaks into my soul.
The acid carves cracks in my heart.
I use my rage
to seal my lips-
Closed.
Instead of screaming my pain.
I shred my emotions
pulverize them into a putty
Use them
to patch the parts of my soul
not tethered to my heart.
I wait until night falls
so I can dream of what I will never have.
When night falls
you cannot see the tears
that stain my pillow case
or the wildness in my eyes.
I wait.
Copyright © Jennifer Reynolds | Year Posted 2019
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Jennifer Reynolds Poem
I run the glass down my arm
But I'm afraid of the pain
as if it will be worse
then the pain that wracks my heart
I look to my gun
I check there's a bullet in the chamber
and I unload it
Remembering the patient
in the nursing home
I take care of
that tried to end his pain
that way.
I slam gifts from you to the ground,
shattering them
Into tiny pieces
just like the broken pieces of my heart.
I wish I had the courage just to end it all
there is nothing left in this world for me
I'm done.
But I'm too scared to end it all
so I'm just stuck in this
life, without love
and alone.
Shaking and scared,
hurting so bad it feels like my soul
is being ripped from me
God forsook me
and left me to face this alone
So it doesn't surprise me
that he would rip my soul from me.
All I can do is plod along and just hope
that I'll eventually die
and just dissipate into the wind.
Copyright © Jennifer Reynolds | Year Posted 2019
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Jennifer Reynolds Poem
I woke up today,
to chaos
and expectations,
and demands.
my heart began pounding
and I threw up my defenses.
Walls erected a million miles high above me
I can finally breathe.
I get dressed,
and for the first time in a long time
I felt pretty today.
You were kind to me,
and for a short time,
I felt safe.
Then it came
as it always does
You call it a joke..
as I feel the agony
of my heart being broke
again.
It shatters into a million pieces.
The pain was so much
and I opened up,
I told you
How badly I hurt
and the darkness that lives
inside of me
and immediately....
chaos
expectations
demands
threats
guilt.
and I throw back up my defenses,
But I'm already broken
again.
So I sit alone
and self medicate.
as always, whiskey helps drown my pain
I felt pretty today.
Copyright © Jennifer Reynolds | Year Posted 2019
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Jennifer Reynolds Poem
I feel displaced.
Unreal.
A paper doll living
in a world of fire,
constantly burning,
wishing for the pain to end.
aching,
to not have to exist.
I do not fit in this world.
so angry.
so lonely.
so scared.
so tired,
of all this pain,
and i can’t escape.
I’m trapped
in this rusty cage,
and my fists bleed,
beating on the bars.
blood trickling down,
my arms full of scars,
from every wish
that I could just not
EXIST.
Copyright © Jennifer Reynolds | Year Posted 2019
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Jennifer Reynolds Poem
I don't know
how much longer
I can survive
surrounded by those
that hurt me
and lie.
Is it considered suicide
if you just give up and die?
I have never been so alone
I thought the cracks in me
would begin to heal.
But they are reopened daily
pain is all I can feel.
Is it considered a homicide
if they hurt you so badly
that you wither away and die?
I can't see myself
growing old.
I can't imagine
living so long
in so much pain.
I can't ask for help,
I have no one to turn too.
I no longer trust
those I thought
Would never hurt me.
Is it considered living
existing while you are dead inside?
Copyright © Jennifer Reynolds | Year Posted 2019
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Jennifer Reynolds Poem
Pull pieces of my love
Through the shattered cracks
of my heart
Put them away
in a coffin
secured with locks
and chains.
Find all the pieces.
then maybe,
I can no longer be hurt.
Take all my expectations
and shred them
let the pieces fall
to the ground.
Take all my disappointment
pour it on the coffin,
suffocate the love within.
Take all those hopes
and those dreams
Take what I thought love should be
Light it all on fire.
until only ashes remain.
Take the respect and fascination I had
drown them in my tears
cry until the ashes are washed clear
until what I felt disintegrates
Into nothing.
Take all I was made to feel
in the past,
Loved.
Cherished.
Respected.
Wanted.
Included.
Important.
Stomp those feelings into the mud
Used the crushed feelings mixed with dirt
to patch the cracks in my heart
So the lies can't get in,
anymore.
Copyright © Jennifer Reynolds | Year Posted 2019
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