Tooted Poems | Examples

Squirrely Squirrely Tooted In The Tub

Sudsy sudsy little squirrely tooted in the tub 
woopie woopie bubbly bubbly he is so so cuddly
Little peanut happy as can be, Tee Hee! 
fluky fluky one little bubble went up his little nosey
thats why he did a little sneeze weezy,  
                   just before he struck a pose !!!

Fighting Mad

Little leprechaun is fighting mad
Irish of course, so big and bad
Someone tooted in his beer
Swung around and used their rear
He’s determined to make others sad

The Joys of My Life

              I once thought I was a renaissance man
               Who needed sophistication in my plan.
              Joy seemed to reside on the highest bar
         One day I unexpectedly tooted and felt pure delight
        And I realized joy is free and right there in plain sight.

Refurbished Legends: Pecos Bill Or Tall In the Saddle

There is a legend of a cowboy down in Texas
To whom they give the sobriquet of Pecos Bill.
It's said he rooted and he tooted
As across the plains he scooted,
Stetsoned, jeaned, bowlegged, and booted,
Pursuing cows and wooing gals
As was his skill.

The story goes one day while Bill was out romancing,
A cyclone came and rudely whisked the gal away.
He hopped atop the thing to ride it,
Quickly lassoed and hogtied it,
Then none the worse for wear and tear and rough foreplay,
Out stepped the gal,
And Pecos Bill had saved the day.

Now, legends often tend to get a bit inflated,
And this one here is no exception to the rule.
Some say it's too exaggerated,
I say it's well imaginated.
Like alimony oilmen often pay their exes,
Things are always so much bigger down in Texas.
Of course, it's hogwash, rubbish, bunk,
And yet how often have I thunk
That the tale of Pecos Bill is kinda cool.

Picnic With a Blind Date

Let’s have a picnic I said! All eager and stuff.
My refrigerator was bare, which was a bit rough.
By the time my guest arrived I had baked beans and ham.
And a surprise guest, my flatulent grandma, Old Gram.

She tooted all the way to Liberty Fireworks Park in the car.
To my blind date’s credit, he did not give one hardy har har.
He also carried our basket, our chairs, and a blanket for two.
She and he sat right down on it, and I did not know what to do.

You sure brought enough stuff, my blind date said in amazement.
Hotdogs, chicken, steak, chips, and six desserts – due to my craze-ment.
I had forgotten the drinks, so we sent him out to the local nine eleven.
The picnic was hilarious, and we stunk to high heaven.

The Cheeseball Story

The cheese ball was delicious but on Christmas Eve 
at the sleepover bro tooted without reprieve 
sister cried, " please use the washroom, Steve "  
" Sorry sis, "it's a lonely fart that I just can't retrieve

Dec 25, 2021

Flatulent Fannie

Fannie Strumpet is a flatulent floozy
With each wiggle her rump lets out a doozy
She blows out so much gas
Foul vapor from her a$$
It's asphyxiating and makes me woozy

Fannie lets 'em rip without hesitation
When I point a finger in accusation
She points hers back at me
and laughs saying, "Phew Wee!"
I'm tempted to enact strangulation

I threatened to have the woman arrested 
Indecently walking around bare breasted
She farted in my face
Through her panties of lace
I think I was infected and molested

One night Fannie was with a man she'd just met
When she tooted he left, much to her regret
Rectal fumes exploded
He screamed, "You're corroded!"
Her tail expels toxins like a gas jet

Fannie saw a doctor of proctology
She farted without making an apology
She disgusted him so
He said, "Madame, just go.
You're a noxious threat to world ecology!"

I don't fear being assaulted by her smut
She was sued; the case was open and shut
The streets no longer stink
Cuz Fannie's in the clink
For hiding lethal weapons in her butt



October 1, 2021
May the Gas Be With You-Farts Part 2 Contest
Sponsored by Chantelle Anne Cooke

We Don'T Wonder Why

There was an old lady from Ghent
Who tooted wherever she went
Sent up a cloud
Sometimes quite loud
And she never attracted a gent.

written July 10, 2021
FIRST PLACE WINNER
Brian Strand's Contest
Poetry Soup
August 2, 2021

The Horn Player

I once knew a lad who played the cornet
Tooted ‘til he broke out in a cold sweat
He met a strumpet
Who liked his trumpet
He is blowing his heart out for her yet

June 3, 2021

Delilah Stop That

She is such a pretty porker the old sow said.
I thought you were too old for swine, said cousin Fred.
I may be tough, but I am certainly not dead,
She is a gorgeous gobbler, the old sow said.

Would you say she’s gourmet? Asked Aunt Sue.
She has been the head hog in the pen since ninety-two.
I don’t want to go there, her dad said, how about you?
Don’t get me into this said Uncle Pete, who was afraid of Sue.

The piglet in question was coming into her own.
She knew her curly tail was attractive as any rooster’s comb.
She rooted and tooted and flashed her sweet rump around.
Nearly doing in the males, who were looking away at the ground.

“Delilah! Stop that!” Yelled an old hog from inside the house.
You are flashing and flaring, tantalizing the boars with your louse.
Delilah smiled, knowing full well she was the best bacon intention.
Not understanding what it meant, but happy to receive full attention.

By Trump Had Been Booted Horn Haiku

Horn Haiku. 

reporters tooted 
out by trump had been booted 
highly disputed

Jim Horn

How about hearing a Horn haiku?

Pirate Girl In Rhyme

She drank all the water in the first five seas.
She burped and tooted and started to wheeze.
The pirate ships began to toss and turn.
Driftwood came in by the hundreds to burn.

She released it all on a quick exhale.
The boats and barges ran up a strong gale.
The beaches were flooded, sunbathers were mad.
She climbed to the top of a lighthouse and lived out her sad.

Quantum Physics

One of the theories I haven't quite grasped
Is quantum physics, it has a tendency to leave me aghast
Now I ain't stupid
Oops sorry, I just tooted
We all must let fly or have a traffic jam in the ass

A Flying Saucer Landed

A flying saucer landed 
In a farmer's fallow field. 
It had come from far away, 
Beyond Orion's starry shield. 
The aliens were mystified. 
They giggled and they squealed. 

The cows were in the pasture, 
Chewing on their cud. 
They watched the flying saucer 
As it landed in the mud. 
They bellowed as the hatchway 
Descended with a thud. 

The farmer drove his tractor 
Beside tall stalks of corn. 
A flock of crows erupted 
When he tooted on his horn. 
They flew inside the spaceship 
On that cool September morn. 

The aliens were studying 
The farmer's dairy herd. 
They saw their craft invaded 
By the band of big black birds. 
Legs retracted, hatchway shut! 
The flying saucer whirred! 

The moral of this story 
Is very plain to see. 
It will be written down somewhere 
In Alien History. 
ALWAYS SHUT THE CABIN DOOR, 
AND DON'T FORGET THE KEY!

Haiku

Sunrise comes for me
Buildings shade halts it’s progress
Sucky city life


My city sunset
Reflected off the buildings
Awesome to behold


Prey in the city
variety a plenty
Beware the stalkers


She sleeps peacefully
I watch admiring her
She tooted sweetly


Lost is my lover
She lays next to me in sleep
Distance is profound


Here my princess l
Innocent our love
Profound is the gap

• Short Tooted Poems
• Famous Tooted Poems
• Best Tooted Poems
• Read Tooted Poems
• Long Tooted Poems
• Tooted Quotes