Long Tetanus Poems
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The Jab
I am somewhat disenchanted by what I’ve seen and read
Antivaxxers believe the lie that soon the vaccinated will be dead
That our leaders are out to get us, dictating what we need
and will decrease the population by deciding how we breed
I’ve heard more twisted theories in my time upon this rock
made so much worse with rumors on you tube and tic tok
I pray that common sense will soon take hold of every friend
Covid 19 is NOT just another virus. Don’t let it be your end
Remember mumps, measles, tetanus and whooping cough
They were cured by science, not a de wormer in a trough
Think of polio, rubella, diphtheria, hepatitis B and A
Thanks to vaccinations, these diseases were kept at bay
This world is full of deadly germs, we make perfect hosts
Please listen to the doctors instead of any ill-informed posts
Life is short, so show respect for the time you’ve got
Think of others, not just yourself. Now go and get your shot!
I invited my oldest daughter to dinner for her half birthday.
It was highly embarrassing when she wrestled me to
The ground for the check, and I landed in some guy’s lap.
Sorry, I said. “This is my daughter.”
She glared at me.
“Why did you do that?” she asked me.
“Why did you bite my hand?” I asked back. “I have not had a tetanus shot.”
“You had one last February, remember?”
I suddenly remembered who FORCED me in to get one, because she did
not (prissy voice now) “Want her mother to get lock jaw.”
I had screamed and wailed and begged and sniffled and sobbed.
It did me no good. I got the shot that hurt less than my wailing and sobbing had.
“And could I please have my credit card back now?” I asked Miss Aggressive.
The waitress turned and looked when I said that, so I stuck out my tongue.
I had told her up front I would be paying, after all.
“Do you want to go shopping?” my daughter asked.
“I can’t,” I replied. “You have my credit card.”
So we looked at the dessert menu, but everything
was costly, and we both knew we would end up on the
floor again, maybe in sumo diapers, and we were too full
to wrestle without guaranteed bouts of flatulence the next time.
So we went to her house and watched six TV shows she wanted
me to “see” in about forty-two minutes.
Oh, my, you ask, how does anyone watch six TV shows in less than
an hour?
Easy when your daughter has the remote, and fast forwards through all
the parts she already saw that were “too boring to see” which means you
get to see some of the beginning, maybe a minute in the middle,
and if you are very lucky, the ending. Another enjoyable evening
with an assertive-borderline-aggressive-beyond-belief daughter
who obviously takes after her daddy’s side of the family.
I took her gift back, and went home.
It might be her birthday, but she did not deserve a gift,
due to blatant arrogance and having to be in charge of me.
No one else EVER tries to be in charge of me!
I dread the bleak dark end-of days when I end up at her mercy,
days in the future, when I cannot see out, or walk or talk, and she is my jailer.
Maybe she will deserve this birthday gift next year but I doubt it.
I have brought this birthday gift over six years in a row, and as
you can see, the less-aggressive one still has it.
Mona Lisa’s crooked smile
on a half-crushed Campbell’s Soup can
Joe Dimaggio reciting his pronouns uneasily
then lowering his batting hand
into a scalding hot cup
of ‘Mr. Coffee’
Where have you gone, Mrs. Robinson?
Where else? to the bathroom
~ Hemorrhoids again
Barney Fife whittling Andy’s image to
sawdust with a rusty pocket-knife
-- contracting tetanus in the process
Andy Warhol grinning madly as the
word ‘culture’ is finally eliminated
from America’s lexicon
~ All hail to pink, plastic flamingoes! ~
Lost and alone so far away,
Down and out with nothing to say.
Wondering if this will always be,
Wandering far from this, very me.
Gazing ahead, stillness as dead,
Wanting to just, be set free.
Faint and unsteady, shifting sand,
Reaching out, to Heaven with hand...
Yet, so alone...
Hoping to gain satisfaction from rain,
and finding nothing more than wetness.
Seeking past memories with weakening grasp,
Maybe I'd rather endure tetanus.
Having teeth pulled or re-socket a bone,
Scraping a chalkboard or being alone...
Loneliness is inside of one's heart,
In time, no healing, just tearing apart...
And... so alone...
The following immunizations
Recommended for kids
10 to 12 years old
Help protect from dangerous diseases
Parents check
Immunization records
If missing
These important shots
Tdap (tetanus diphtheria, pertussis)
Protects against 3 dangerous diseases
Required before 7th grade
Kids need 1 shot between ages 10-12 years
HPV (Human papilloma virus)
Requires 3 shots for full protection
First shot required between ages 9 or 12
A booster at age 16
Menningoccal
Protects against infections
Can cause brain and kidney damage
Preteens need 1 shot at age 11 or 12
Flu
Much serious than the common cold
Everyone needs to get the flu vaccine every year
Even young healthy kids
Chickenpox
More than just an itchy rash
Can cause Pneumonia or serious infections
Kids needs 2 shots
Talk to your doctor
About getting these vaccines
Be healthy
Protect yourself against these serious diseases
4132013
There’s a forest bizarre neither nearby nor far,
full of sights somewhat scary to spook a soul wary.
The deep, darkened jungle, I think you’ll agree
is never a safe place for you or for me...
The vicious antihistamines attack unwary gabardines,
while hungry, snarling mezzanines will slither on the ground.
Meanwhile, some frenzied proselytes are hiding from the troglodytes,
who, angry from the zwieback bites, are swarming all around!
Inside this jungle, quarantines are known to suck on guillotines
until stampeding nazarenes charge in and scare them both.
The tetanus fights the diocese, as scallions snack on c’est la vies;
they all avoid isosceles, who hide in undergrowth.
The snarling tracheotomies stalk the nonsequitur
and scare defenseless equities that fly from Equador,
while swarms of green parentheses infest the feeble pinafore
for blood.
The buzzing twits and hypocrites gnaw on palaver bones
while fat, lethargic amulets are chased by chromosomes.
The sleepy, sluggish genuflects had best avoid the palindromes
in mud.
You may never have heard of a place so absurd,
you may opt to believe it a myth.
But if ever you visit and wonder, “what is it?”
just ask a nearby monolith.
I feel I have appendicitis,
Or a bad case of bursitis,
And I think I need another tonsillectomy.
I'm sure I got a staph infection
From a tetanus injection
While I was prepping for a hemorrhoidectomy.
I've got cataracts and shingles,
When I cough my kidney jingles,
And my muscle tone's diminished due to entropy.
I have a lower disc displacement,
I need a knee and hip replacement,
And I'm scheduled for my umpteenth colonoscopy.
With my doctor's full compliance,
I will donate my corpse to science
To see if reasons can be found for all my maladies.
No doubt that when they disconnect me,
Vivisect me and inspect me,
They'll find a host of medical irregularities,
As well as hitherto unheard of abnormalities
That may account for part or all of my infirmities,
And might help to explain my PCP's enormous fees.
Author's note: After reading Ilene Bauer's delightfully insightful "A Certain Age", once again I delved into my archives and disinterred this bit of nonsense from 2017. I apologize, dear readers, if any of you who might be suffering from medical conditions find it insensitive. It is certainly not intended to be so. Although I don't think it's been scientifically tested or doctor recommended, I firmly believe in the homeopathically therapeutic value of humor and laughter. And I know that after writing this piece, I felt better about my own health issues.
I don’t want to see you inside this house
Unless your foot has fallen off or you are bloody
Does a bloody nose count?
Hell no.
What if a blood eating vampire eats my face off?
That could be a good thing because you would be silent.
Wow.
Mother of the year here.
We looked at each other for about two seconds before we thought of it.
She opened the door and said “And don’t go into that old shed!”
Damn.
This ruined things
Not so fast, my cousin Hankie said. I know a secret way in.
So she won’t see us? I asked.
I don’t think she can, he said.
Hankie was always full of bloody good ideas.
This time was not one of them.
We ended up scratching ourselves up as we climbed in the broken window
Hankie was screaming bloody murder as she drove him away
to get a tetanus shot
Because he had landed on a rusty nail.
Bloody hell!
Rivers and lakes flowing gladly
Around dead things deep down inside
Dead cans, dead fish, dead bodies
I cannot fathom it, and yet I can.
My friend Kim said that her boat got caught up once
It felt like they were dragging something heavy with their tow rope
It felt like they were dragging a car, until it loosened itself
A man’s body was found a day later in that lake
I can barely eat fish, knowing they are eat dead things
Dead things is what I think about when I look into the dark murky waters
Thinking that you could step on a rusty fishhook at any second
And have to have a tetanus shot. Rivers and lakes. Someone else’s dessert.
Come on over and have some spore soup, she said.
If I ate that stuff, I knew I would be quickly dead.
I had already had surgery on my foot, it was a tumor.
A spore had been the cause of it, that’s no rumor.
I pictured that soup with a dead foot floating around.
It would have blood gushing from it, turning red brown.
I saw the toenails, they were ugly, jagged, and crusty.
I am stepping on a nail tonight, I told her. And it is all rusty.
Can’t you step on the nail some other time? She asked me.
No, and then I have to have a tetanus shot. Sorry, Aunt Bee.
My husband rolled his eyes and told me how awful I was, after that.
But he did not see that sawed off foot floating in the soup vat.