Home » Poems » Jim Slaughter » Mediclueless, a Hypochondriac's Lament

Mediclueless, a Hypochondriac's Lament

I feel I have appendicitis, Or a bad case of bursitis, And I think I need another tonsillectomy. I'm sure I got a staph infection From a tetanus injection While I was prepping for a hemorrhoidectomy. I've got cataracts and shingles, When I cough my kidney jingles, And my muscle tone's diminished due to entropy. I have a lower disc displacement, I need a knee and hip replacement, And I'm scheduled for my umpteenth colonoscopy. With my doctor's full compliance, I will donate my corpse to science To see if reasons can be found for all my maladies. No doubt that when they disconnect me, Vivisect me and inspect me, They'll find a host of medical irregularities, As well as hitherto unheard of abnormalities That may account for part or all of my infirmities, And might help to explain my PCP's enormous fees. Author's note: After reading Ilene Bauer's delightfully insightful "A Certain Age", once again I delved into my archives and disinterred this bit of nonsense from 2017. I apologize, dear readers, if any of you who might be suffering from medical conditions find it insensitive. It is certainly not intended to be so. Although I don't think it's been scientifically tested or doctor recommended, I firmly believe in the homeopathically therapeutic value of humor and laughter. And I know that after writing this piece, I felt better about my own health issues.

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Suzanne Delaney

Date: 3/21/2023 1:55:00 AM

Belated Congratulations on POTD, Jim: wonderful piece and great humour for all the discomforts it describes. I have heard now that they stopped calling it hypochondria and instead label it as : Illness related Anxiety. My hubby has been caught in this cycle for a number of years now. Into my favs. SuZ

Jim Slaughter
Date: 3/21/2023 11:00:00 AM

Suz, thank you. Sorry about your hubby.

Margarita Lillico

Date: 3/17/2023 7:15:00 AM

Hello Jim, I thanked Ilene for inspiration but it’s your poem that led me to hers. You two inspired me to take it further. I Love My Age is the byproduct of my inspiration:)

Jim Slaughter
Date: 3/17/2023 10:47:00 AM

Wow, Margarita...that's quite a "chain reaction". Thank you.

Paula Goldsmith

Date: 3/16/2023 7:41:00 AM

Congratulations on your POTD win. A fun write. Thanks for the laugh, I needed it. Have a fun day writing away..............

Jim Slaughter
Date: 3/16/2023 10:10:00 AM

Happy to do it, Paula. Thank you.

Fin Chuuk

Date: 3/15/2023 7:02:00 PM

Oh how fun this is. I do believe laughter is the best medicine. So yeah, way to go on POTD! :)

Jim Slaughter
Date: 3/16/2023 10:09:00 AM

Thanks, Fin. Just goes to show that "great minds think alike", I guess.

Brandy Nicole

Date: 3/15/2023 6:21:00 PM

Jim, you've certainly tickled my funny bone. Aging is something we have no choice over, however- laughing about it is better than being upset or getting frustrated. Thanks for bring a smile to my heart. Congratulations on Poem of the Day. My best to you. :) Hugs, Brandy

Jim Slaughter
Date: 3/16/2023 10:07:00 AM

Brandy, thanks. If I can do that, then I'm happy.

Tania Kitchin

Date: 3/15/2023 2:02:00 PM

Jim, a great poem, love the humor, congratulations on POTD!

Jim Slaughter
Date: 3/16/2023 10:06:00 AM

Thank you, Tania. That made me smile.

Arlo Parker

Date: 3/15/2023 10:17:00 AM

A litany of life as humans. Wit as cathartic balm. POTD well deserved, Jim. ~:o]

Jim Slaughter
Date: 3/15/2023 10:30:00 AM

Arlo, thank you.

Ken Rone

Date: 3/15/2023 10:10:00 AM

It is great to see the editors have chosen this gem for the PODT! Congratulations Jim. Best - Ken (Age 73)

Jim Slaughter
Date: 3/15/2023 10:31:00 AM

I'm rather pleased, too, Ken...it's been a while. Thanks.

Janice Canerdy

Date: 3/15/2023 8:18:00 AM

A creative, FUNNY piece well deserving of the title POTD, Jim! Janice

Jim Slaughter
Date: 3/15/2023 10:31:00 AM

Thank you, Janice.

Linda Alice Fowler

Date: 3/15/2023 7:08:00 AM

Hahahaha Jim! What a fun laugh first thing in the morning LOL Just brilliant! Congratulations on POTD! :)

Jim Slaughter
Date: 3/15/2023 10:32:00 AM

Best way to start a day off. Thanks, Linda.

Constance La France

Date: 3/15/2023 7:08:00 AM

Jim, I believe laughter can be medicine too, so I found your nonsense poem delightful, and congratulations on receiving the POEM OF THE DAY honor, blessings, Constance

Jim Slaughter
Date: 3/15/2023 10:33:00 AM

Thanks, Constance, and the dosage can be as variable as you like.

Gershon Wolf

Date: 3/15/2023 6:32:00 AM

Ginormous abnormalities! lol. Ha,ha, ha! Congrats on POTD, Jim! I see my PCP tomorrow. I'll give him your list, and see what he recommends... For the right fee, of course! :) gw

Jim Slaughter
Date: 3/15/2023 10:34:00 AM

Maybe yours will come up with some new ones. Thanks, G.

Heidi Sands

Date: 3/15/2023 6:19:00 AM

Congratulations for POTD. Enjoy :)

Jim Slaughter
Date: 3/15/2023 10:34:00 AM

Heide, thanks a bunch.

John Lawless

Date: 3/15/2023 5:54:00 AM

I'd be laying loud if it didn't hurt in so many places and make me pee.

Jim Slaughter
Date: 3/15/2023 10:35:00 AM

Yes, John, you have to be careful about that. Thank you.

Daniel Turner

Date: 3/15/2023 5:38:00 AM

Congratulations on POTD Jim. Well deserved.

Jim Slaughter
Date: 3/15/2023 10:35:00 AM

Thanks a lot, Daniel.

Charles Messina

Date: 3/15/2023 4:00:00 AM

With everything that has happened and your still here...I'd smile too! (lol) Love this, Jim. Congratulations on POTD! Charlie

Jim Slaughter
Date: 3/15/2023 10:36:00 AM

I can only imagine what's in store in the coming years. Thank you, Charlie.

Anne-Lise Andresen

Date: 3/15/2023 2:39:00 AM

- :))) ... We all become a hypochondriac with age ... which is an anxiety disorder that involves an excessive fear of one's own health and serious illness ... (old age means closer to death than birth ... and it triggers fear) - The poem gave me many smiles ... congratulations on your p.o.t.d.,Jim :) - hugs

Jim Slaughter
Date: 3/15/2023 10:37:00 AM

A few, at least, I hope. Thanks, S S.

Tom Cunningham

Date: 3/15/2023 1:54:00 AM

Getting on in years certainly brings its woes Jim, nothing we can do but grin and bear it. Might as well laugh about it, when my brother hit 40 he said bits start dropping off, he wasn't joking. Congratulations on the honour of POTD. Tom

Jim Slaughter
Date: 3/15/2023 10:38:00 AM

My big "turning point" was at age 49, and I'm pretty sure that some of my "bits" dropped off, too. Thanks, Tom.

Margarita Lillico

Date: 3/14/2023 12:07:00 PM

It's absolutely hilarious, yes with the legitimate concern that one way or the other, sooner than later those medical terms will be VERY relevant to all. I plan my next contest you might be interested in, stand by:)

Jim Slaughter
Date: 3/14/2023 12:48:00 PM

Thanks, M...will do.

Ilene Bauer

Date: 3/13/2023 2:00:00 PM

jim - i am very touched and appreciative of the shout-out! i love your poem and got a good chuckle out of it. i can certainly relate to it, especially now that we can look up all of our symptoms on web m.d.!

Jim Slaughter
Date: 3/14/2023 11:10:00 AM

Thanks, Ilene, and you're welcome. I use that site, myself, quite often.

Daniel Turner

Date: 3/13/2023 11:11:00 AM

LOL I love it, Jim. I read Ilene's poem too. Aging is no joke. That is a fact!

Jim Slaughter
Date: 3/13/2023 11:18:00 AM

What would doctors do without us? Thanks, Daniel.