Long Sphincter Poems

Silence reigns supreme in my reich

No don (except me)
doth trumpet within the aborted
barren reach of freedoms within expansive realm,
I annexed courtesy manifest destiny,
which peoples now inhabiting said jurisdiction
circumscribed by following coordinates -
Latitude: 40° 16' 22.20"...

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Defecation accidentally clogged...

for the umpteenth time 
during spate to sit scrawny buttucks 
on porcelain throne id est 
videre licet toilet bowl...
with toxic water brew threatening
to overflow onto the floor,
and hence found yours truly (me)
immersing himself...

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Spouse cannot forget mine suppressed flatulence upon our first date

While yours truly sat here 
at the desk housing MacBook Pro,
pondering his next idée fixe apropos
for gamut of anonymous readers,
he unexpectedly, noisily and effectually
exploded out rear...

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Ace colonoscopy doctor Kellen Karl Kovalovich

revisited January 23rd, 2024
on the evening before yours truly
(the one and only Matthew Scott Harris),
a stand up comic wannabe, who
historically heartily hales 
from Schwenksville, Pennsylvania
undergoes oh joy rapture colonoscopy.

Three days...

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Twice told toilet tale – a cheeky execrable gross fable

which poetic product best be affixed 
with hashtag STINKY label.

As a young whippersnapper
and one precocious lad to boot,
I discovered common combustible materials
found in the bathroom.

At opportune...

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Everyone nose, especially Al R. Gee, I haint no otolaryngologist

Nonetheless this bard arse 
videre licet punster mocker feels gratitude
courtesy Kaitlyn Gilsenan, PA-C
a moost deal height full medical technician
without cerumen eye zing
September 27th, 2024 'ere
and thank...

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Approximately three plus days elapsed...
without yours truly experiencing urge to defecate

Neither bloating nor constipation
arose, but one nondescript anguished
logophile anticipated intestinal blockage,
hence prophesying worse case scenario

I (predicated in direction for an adult)
ingested three Dulcolax tablets
and subsequently...

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Fretfully aching to feel fit as a fiddle

After experiencing a severe,
albeit violent near lethal bout
of irritable bowel syndrome
(yesterday night August 30th, 2023)
triggered courtesy dulcolax caplets plus 
healthy portion of lentils,
I (a beatle browed, foo fighting,...

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Prolonged offal bout courtesy constipation... turgid song redux,
a worse hellish fate than perdition really sucks

As of early morning
today - September 8th, 2022,
I could not but barely move
mine whole body felt
analogous to sluggish mollusk
frequent constipation found...

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It might become too ironically
and iconically embareassing
to admit
I am taking a (s)hit
while exploring
my latest
and perhaps final 
nutritional surmise
compressing peak climax 
surprise

A well-capitalized
Systematic Theology
of EcoLogical Systems
is not such 
an inviting much
of a moving title

Yet herein
we might...

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100% Natural psyllium husk delivered solid ecstasy

As of late - I could not but barely move
mine whole body felt
analogous to sluggish mollusk
frequent constipation found yours truly
doubled over in gastrointestinal agony

as if elephant or red (livid...

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Fraught With IBS Irritable Bowel Syndrome...

today – late morning of November 4th 2022
sudden onset experienced whereby
whooshing waste naturally flushed out
ala mine body electric performed colonoscopy
diarrheal gangbuster instigated
maybe Machiavellian microbe
with powerful rectal surge
analogous to invisible plunger
forcing...

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An anticlimactic sexual event...

with Barb Black née Beebee
to help set the ghost
of little Willy Brandt free
(a non German, but germane fellow  
courtesy Craigslist classified
personals of mine invitee
she replied, I took liberty
to Google her first...

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Ace colonoscopy doctors Kellen Karl Kovalovich
and Larry Borowsky

Though necessary to down: 
four Dulcolax laxative tablets, 
quaff half 238 gram bottle of Miralax 
over span of eight hours, 
and if necessary even one Fleets Enema, 
I...

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Plagued with lifelong lower gastrointestinal Sturm und Drang

Ever since a young lad
irritable bowel syndrome
in my humble pinion wracked
lower abdominal area 
gurgled and ballooned gastrointestinal tract
(similar to following Colonoscopy preparation
slated for January 24th, 2024
at Phoenixville Hospital)
posterior...

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Mine Nightmare With Social Anxiety,...
Now Mostly Purged

Decades removed when body electric
felt tortured reverberated, and quaked
with MegaDeath repercussions tattooing, 
piercing, foisting, ensnaring, drubbing
 
drum beat indelibly 'pon psyche NON 
MEMORABLE years gone bye felled 
psyche with...

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Ability to defecate wildly swings (both ways)...
between incontinence and constipation

Irritable bowel syndrome i.e.
the former excretory bout I address
the above (polite way to phrase diarrhea)
and avoid moon efficient cheekiness,
yours truly doth buttress,
a literal warranted pain in...

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Bane of dyschezia

Constipation spoilt rare visit
with eldest daughter
(yesterday - November twenty sixth
two thousand twenty two)
currently housed near
Rittenhouse Square, Pennsylvania.

Less than twelve hours
after a cocktail comprising
handful of prunes,
four psyllium husk capsules,
plus three dulcolax.

Myself and missis
privy to...

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Everyone nose, I haint no otolaryngologist

Nonetheless this bard arse feels gratitude
courtesy Laurence V. Cramer, D.O.
without cerumen eye zing
May 17th, 2022 'ere
and thank dog guardian angels,
who find me continually blessed
regarding audiological sense to hear,
whereby faculty sound...

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All of
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A (growing) menagerie of stuffed animals And Beanie Babies

The following doth constitute
combination of fact and fiction
unfortunately not sentences
referencing overactive spousal glute
though sphincter roaring
could muscle us into ample loot
(after wife explodes open bank vault)
versus ass spire...

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One liar said to the other liar,
“That’s some shaky vanilla truth,
I heard you done cold call sold.
With these lying eyes, do I scream with glee ... 
you left girl honesty 
hanging altar jilted at that...

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Ready...Aim...Fire!

In light of tension twixt
brinkmanship rumbling one
East Asian Tiger
country otherwise known as
"the land of morning calm,"
yours truly t'will invite 
"freedom foo fighters"
tubby regaling with a jubilant aire
total mortal Kombat 
levels threat of human warhead
bomb dubbed...

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Written: February 22, 2025, for contest Sponsored by: Sara Jama

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