Long On my own terms Poems
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O fall, let this lore of love be the last.
Let the amber rot of the season claim everything
I ever thought I owed to human breath.
Let the leaves of your soul -
weightless, luminous,
ready to unbind from the branch, -
speak directly to the scars carved into your flesh.
I am stepping out of the skin that belonged to them all.
No more bracing for the quiet violence of human eyes
whose enamored love was laced with blight.
Give me the vast, unwritten ache of the open earth.
Give me the sharp, electric bite of frost on bare ankles
as I break into a run across an endless expanse -
fields unmarred by fence lines,
surrendering fully to the absolute air.
I want to feel the raw, unfiltered press of the wind
filling my lungs like a newly discovered ocean.
A suffocation so absolute
it bears no wish to destroy me,
only declare that I am alive entirely on my own terms.
Let the tall, golden grasses whip against my legs,
leaving clean, glowing streaks that belong only to the wild.
Let the sky press its infinite blue against my shoulders,
anchoring me until my breath is claimed by no one but myself.
Let the wild creatures run beside me.
In their eyes, there is only the untamed, uncomplicated present.
They move by instinct and grace,
pure,
blameless,
and whole.
To run among beings who exist simply to exist
is to remember the original rhythm of my own heart.
I want to rest my hand against the rough fur of a roaming hound,
to feel the steady, triumphant thump of a heart that asks nothing of me,
that sees no flesh to carve,
only a fellow creature breathing under the same cold sun.
I am weaving myself back together now
with delicate threads pulled from my own fragile shell.
I will court my own joy.
I will master the sublime art of loving myself
until the light begins in my own center
and illuminates every step I take across this new expanse.
I am my own land, my own wilderness, my own salvation.
The autumn leaves fall, and as they reach the soil,
I leap above their golden drift,
and I run.
Unchained. Unbounded. Finally, gloriously free.
They call it lunacy
They call it a problem
They call me pretentious
They call me ridiculous
But I'm just ahead of the curve
Yeah, ahead of the curve
Truth is I'm a little insane
Blinded by all this pain
So I cut myself open
To see if it would make a stain
And no I am not vain
Nor the sum
Of what flows from my vein
And no I'm not going anywhere
The verse is my lair
So let them all stare
I'll flip them the bird
And a bit of a glare
Because it's not like I care
It's just words that I share
They call it poetic
They call it possessive
They call me a hack
They claim that I'm wack
But I'm just ahead of the curve
Yeah, ahead of the curve
Truth is I have what they lack
Not afraid to talk smack
Because with these words
I assuredly have a knack
To garner their flack
But I want you to take a look
Just open my heart like a book
And see in me an innocent
They tried to call a crook
And claimed I made a mess
But if I have to confess
I'm playing 4D chess
To get the regret off my chest
And finally feel blessed
They call it trite
They call it infantile
They call me washed up
They say that I'm done
But I'm just ahead of the curve
Yeah, ahead of the curve
And I'll be the first to say I was wrong
To call my last poem my swan song
My flow is still gold and I'm feeling strong
But when I go out it'll be on my own terms
When I finally tell the hobby so long
They said it's impossible to get close to the edge
When the world isn't really flat
But I'll knock everything off like a cat
To show how superfluous it all really is
Because Coronavirus is God's pop quiz
So call me ahead of the curve because I aced it
With my written wit
And like I said I'm not ready to quit
My words have only just got lit
They call it spoken word
They call it slam
They call me Chris
They say that I'm back
But I was always ahead of the curve
Yeah, ahead of the curve
Will you know me in the darkness?
Will you know me in the rain?
Will my hand also be your hand?
Will my markings be your pain?
There is healing in alliance,
There is care in amity,
But my hurt was for no reason,
And my maim was desultory.
Will you go, will you go there?
Will you weigh misery?
Will you walk beside me kindly,
Will you lift my agony?
I am yours forever truly,
And my heart longs for your touch;
I can give you my dark secrets,
I can make my coldness lurch.
In my self is your true idol,
My genes are your vibrancy,
To each other we can promise,
In a bold dependency.
Will you go, will you go there?
Will you weigh misery?
Will you walk beside me kindly,
Will you lift my agony?
I can do it on my own terms,
I can fight the gloomy tide,
But if you would fight it with me,
I will be your world and bride.
Will you go, will you go there?
Will you weigh misery?
Will you walk beside me kindly,
Will you lift my agony?
Will you lift my agony?
I walk my life on my own terms I set,
create the course on the lone pathway I pave.
I see probing faceless uncalled people pile,
break the barrier of protected privacy and pry,
asking incisive questions piercing my persona,
I don’t answer.
They want their footprints I follow compliant,
abandon what defines me on the wayside,
exist as a formless empty entity impersonated.
Caustic comments they make of me being inflexible,
on the atypical manner I behave, overtly odd to them,
I don’t react.
My heart quivers in the quicksand of harsh times,
emotions struggle to rise from the despondent debris.
Things good done for me I can’t acknowledge loud,
the bud of love for you blooms in me, I adore unexpressed.
Porous sensitivity absorbs all the feelings inarticulate,
I don’t demonstrate.
I will be doing till the end what I do, not being blunt,
even if you call me an obdurate being,
I don't care.
when i think of you
and i think of nothing else
No i can't stand
to not be in control
of my own mind
When i think of you
and i think of nothing else
my head gets so constipated
i have to empty you out
and when i get that way
sometimes
i need
a little bit of air to breathe
just a little bit of air to breathe
and i just
might leave
yea i just may not do a thing
sometimes i think
it's all in my head
and in my mind
you can't get away
but i know
i don't need it
you, me,
oh the world can see it
so precious is our time
mine now
you couldn't hike it
so i decide how to "alright it"
on my own terms
and i know
you had to get away from me
but why'd you have to be
where i could see
when i think of you
and i think of nothing else
No i can't stand
to not be in control
of my own mind
When i think of you
and i think of nothing else
my head gets so constipated
i have to empty you out
"the things we already know"
Once again, I am feeling empty
Try to feel me…try to mess with me…
I dare you to, baby…do it majestically
I don’t want to feel empty no more, but eventually,
I will always numb the pain of emptiness as usual…
Emptiness as usual
God will mend my scars by faith fuels
And yours as well as all vital individuals
So, please have no fear
Have no fear, have no fear
Be of confident cheer
Don’t shed a single tear
Shed nice and wondrous happiness for years
Our energetic eagerness spreads ears to ears
It’s so casual and sane to be like you, yet I’m scared to do so too
I’m unprepared to face it out there…
It looks as if you’re in the brink of caring for me, something’s new…
Let me tear down your walls of faithless flair
Use my faithful flair,
For I like to share
And I happen to care
For you, not just a hair…
More than you think and do
I will remain in love with you
In love with you, baby, so true,
You’re my sky of baby-blue
You’re my sea of ecstasy too
Something’s beyond the bar of a billion stars – our positively passionate and efficient cars
Love, healing is near…your cure will dismiss your past scars and help you defeat silent wars
Worry not, companion of hardly-any-clues
Darling, worry not and stop singing your blues
Out there on my own terms
I caught the love flu just by mere sight and it’s fairly neat with elegance oh so gracious
I roam around like a special earthworm
And this time, it won’t be a nightmare or permanent sand-prints of a guilty conscience
You gave me gladness germs
Now, I’m contaminated with your polluted, death-drenched mindset
I got infected instantly by your indignation; it made me somewhat upset
On my own terms,
I lived my life
Giving and taking,
both day and night
On my own terms,
I lived my life
Some then mistaken,
some often right
On my own terms,
I lived my life
Last right of refusal,
the one holding tight
On my own terms,
I lived my life
The lows though not many,
the pain always right
On my own terms,
I lived my life
Words ever radiant,
the music so fair
On my own terms,
I lived my life
The sweetness of children,
my soul they ensnared
On my own terms,
I lived my life
The darkest of moments,
their message to share
On my own terms,
I lived my life
A voice though unchosen,
inside me declares
On my own terms,
I lived my life
As the days grew short,
and the visitors came
On my own terms,
I lived my life
Their voices cry out,
calling my name
On my own terms,
I lived my life
One verse was enough,
no time to explain
On my own terms,
I lived my life
My final breath,
a lasting refrain
On my own terms,
I lived my life
The money fleeting,
any fame now gone
On my own terms,
I lived my life
A 5-star boardinghouse,
no curtains drawn
On my own terms,
I lived my life
With arms open wide,
and the peace to move on
On my own terms,
I ended my life
All that I’ve written
—turned back into song
(Villanova Pennsylvania: September, 2016)
On my own terms,
I lived my life
Giving and taking,
both day and night
On my own terms,
I lived my life
Some then mistaken,
some often right
On my own terms,
I lived my life
Last right of refusal,
the one holding tight
On my own terms,
I lived my life
The lows though not many,
the feelings they wrought bright
On my own terms,
I lived my life
Words ever radiant,
the music so fair
On my own terms,
I lived my life
The sweetness of children,
my soul they ensnared
On my own terms,
I lived my life
The darkest of moments,
their message to share
On my own terms,
I lived my life
A voice though unchosen,
inside me declares
On my own terms,
I lived my life
As the days grew short,
and the visitors came
On my own terms,
I lived my life
Their voices cry out,
now calling my name
On my own terms,
I lived my life
One verse was enough,
no time to explain
On my own terms,
I lived my life
My final breath,
a lasting refrain
On my own terms,
I lived my life
The money fleeting,
any fame now gone
On my own terms,
I lived my life
A 5-Star boardinghouse,
no curtains drawn
On my own terms,
I lived my life
With arms open wide,
and the peace to move on
On my own terms,
I ended my life
All that I’ve written,
—turned into song
(Villanova Pennsylvania: September, 2016)
A Quiet Conversation In Church
Someone behind me stifled a cough
Turning around, the stranger nodded back
In the dim light
I made out a determined jaw
Felt thick fingers holding on to the back of my pew
I’ve been coming here for years he said
During weekday afternoons
When the Church is empty.
I pray in the quiet
And find peacefulness
That never stops.
From it I get strength, a resolve to go on.
Pausing he asked I don’t think I’ve ever seen you here?
I answered as best I could
I pass by here every day
And I thought it was time for me to come in.
He answered
Yes, strength and resolve are important.
But they come from the inside. No one gives them to you.
I had some issues but I knew I couldn’t hide in a bottle
And so, I came back to the Church on my own terms.
Still in the shadows
He whispered
I’m a veteran
The government will give vets pills to help them forget their problems.
The Church?
They try in their own way and when you die, they’ll say a prayer over you
But your family is the only one you can rightfully turn to for help.
I told the stranger
We were new to the City
That was so crowded and expensive.
We parted but not before he said
When you find someone
Open your heart and trust them.
Outside, my eyes squinted
In the suddenness of sunlight
Signs of Spring
Were everywhere
My cell phone rang
Her excited voice telling me that she got the job
She always wanted
Finally, things were going her way
I told her
We’ll celebrate
Go to the place you always wanted to go
In her breathless voice she answered
It’s so expensive
What else is new I replied
We’re going because this is special
Because you didn’t give up
You made it happen.
And then I realized the old man was right.
Beneath ivory moon and ebony sky
I found refuge in an abandoned bus stop
Dilapidated shops surround
A coronation to the dark side of capitalism
Busted windows tell horror stories
Once proud walls are crumbling
Fifty years ago this was prime real estate
Now it's a forgotten footnote for weary travelers
It's what happens when a dream is disfigured
As time passes it becomes a nightmare
And none remember when it was beautiful
I'm of the new generation that no longer dreams
Drenched in cold sweat I'm wide awake
And my heart is forever broken
My mind is a wasteland of it's never going to happen
Depressed this bus stop is my last hope
As I await the stagecoach of death
Knowing I might not have a dream
But I'll be damned if I don't go out on my own terms
Beneath ivory moon and ebony sky