Long Gash Poems
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Rubrikain!
My chest tightens as I find myself without an umbrella. The wind in my face is refreshing.
My hands are cold and I'm holding them on my chest as if I'm desperately trying to draw more air into them.
I feel the rain on my cheek, and I keep my head up, but it's only sprinkling. My backpack is gone; I was too distracted by my friend's thick voice to pay attention. With each downpour I walk more closely
with the trees and the rain keeps falling. There's an unearthly glow around me, much like the gash I made in the sky. The air is thick, and my body seems to move in slow motion. I keep getting closer to the storm.
As I approach the beach I realize I don't have an umbrella, which is okay since I don't have any friends.
I see the rows of umbrellas attached to random people who are in such a hurry to get where they're going that they don't realize that a hurricane has hit. As I stand next to them I realize how utterly alone I am in my life. I am nothing without you. I feel helpless, like I am in this storm alone. I stand next to you until you finally notice me and look over at me. The rain is falling harder, and I see the ground is beginning to swell. You ask me what I'm doing, but before I can answer you step back and turn your back to me.
After a few seconds, you turn to me again, but this time your face is tear-stained. You open your arms for a hug, and I walk into them. The world around us, while still extremely wet, stops moving. I'm in your arms as the water floods through our t-shirts and seeps into our skin. It's cold, but we stay in the puddle, arms wrapped around each other, until the storm ends. We break away from the hug and look at each other in the ocean of tears
that were once covering your face. You smile and lean in to kiss my my forehead. You smile and tell me I should have asked if I could come with you. Your embrace was everything I could ever hope for. There are no other words to describe it.
Oh Rubrikain!
I kiss your forehead. It's a goodbye kiss. You open your eyes and smile. You make a big gulping noise, and throw yourself into the ocean. The water covers me and I begin to sink with you into the abyss. I hope that you'll find your way back to me. Follow You open your arms for a hug, and I walk into them.
The world around us, while still extremely wet, I knew .
:: 03.05.2022 ::\
~Body
A Debilitating cage I’m not permitted to escape,
Thoughts of blades, craving the slice and scrape.
Jokes and giggles echo from friendly and unknown lips,
I stop eating and lay down the chips.
Everything I do from breathing to eating, to sitting causes laughter,
Leaving me crushed, despondent, and confused after.
Loose and dark clothing cloaking a body I am taught to hide,
The glares and scoffs speak silent volumes when implied.
Clothing made for a body I will never obtain,
With the common recommendation to just self restrain.
Years ago it wouldn't be the case
Now just to leave the house I must brace.
Punishing the flesh only goes so far,
Each failure marked with another raised scar.
~Mind
Since the young age of six I knew,
Missing unspoken expected cues.
The world I view isn't what most see,
Self-worth swiftly crumbling into debris.
Books unfold new worlds with simplicity around each corner,
Yet when the pages close, I'm back to being the local foreigner.
Hearing words of a language I have known my entire life,
Attempting to understand brings nothing but strife.
The simple beauty in a raindrop,
Was the first time I saw my brain stop
to admire something no one saw
But doctors call it a genetic flaw.
A brain not built for this world,
so back into a ball, I curled.
~Soul
A hopeful heart meant to help all,
Eagerly willing to assist unprepared for the fall.
One person willing and waiting to drain,
for nothing more than their own gain.
Hoards of people needing one more thing,
I’ll happily bend in half to be your sling.
As soon as I request a shoulder to lean on,
Suddenly their need for me is gone.
Confusion and self-blame infecting the gash,
Readying myself for the next crash.
I get tired of shoving my round pieces through the world’s square hole.
A stream of non-ending reiterations of my differences, from body to mind to soul.
Tick marks line my limbs, counting the times I let the urges win,
Memories laced with shame encourage a new chapter of sin.
Pointless quest after quest attempting to find the map to this stage of life,
As the bedroom door closes at night, I'm left with stinging tears and a yearning for a knife.
Disclaimer- This
piece doesn't depict
any true events, nor
does it describe my
current state of
mind. It is what it
is, creativity at its
finest. Enjoy (or
not).
I lay in bed and look
up at the ceiling
late at night, the
same as many
nights before, but
sumthin just aint
right,
I'm fighting major
drowsiness and yes
I'm kinda shook, I
hope it doesn't hurt
those 40 sleeping
pills I took.
I'm tired of the life
I'm living cause it's
all a joke, I try and
mask my misery
with alcohol and
smoke,
the pain is cause
for laughter even
though it badly
hurts, I talk and
badly slur I guess
it's gone from bad
to worse.
I think about my
daughter growing up
without me here, I'm
sorry Stinky Faces,
Daddy's thinking
thoughts through
tears,
emotions mixed
with medicine, my
thinking's not too
clear, I'll miss the
coming years in
which to chase
away your fears.
It shouldn't have
ever come to this, it
really isn't fair, I
should've took
assistance but my
pride just didn't care,
the weight's
become too
burdensome for
mind and soul to
bear, I get up, try to
walk and fall face
first into a chair.
I'm on the floor and
leaking from the
gash above my eye,
commercials on the
TV say to kiss it all
goodbye,
but it's not really
saying that, it's all
inside my mind, so
funny what you hear
when on the verge
of time to die.
I'm thinkin on my
peoples and I'll
surely miss them
so, there's Chosen,
Nikki, Lady Ice, D.
Sweets plus Lou
and Stone,
the E.P.I.C. Fam,
my homie Rich,
bright lights just
make me stare, it
feels like
something's
grabbing at me,
baby take me there.
My thoughts soon
turn to Wifey and
the pain that she'll
endure, to fix
whatever ails me
God I wish she had
the cure,
I'm happy I won't
live to see the hurt
that's in her eyes,
to know I caused
this for my baby, I
deserve to die.
The blood loss
leave me
motionless, the pills
have hit their stride,
with visions of the
park I rode my bike
in all those times,
so long ago when I
was young but
times have rolled on
by, my final thought
is of my child and
then I close my
eyes,
goodbye.
“Only girls cry!…Boo hoo!”
"Look at you" he taunted me, (as big brothers often do)
Making a mockery. He kept teasing me, heckling me,
as I whined, and cried, and planned revenge
Neither of us would have won a prize, for being Mom's angelic pride,
of Kirby street that hot July...
“You Thug!”..I cried,…a laughing stock...his mocking me,
and worst of all, our bitter brawl played out for all the world to see.
No recourse, no remorse..(poor me!!)… As the butt of his demeaning jokes
By then my temper had been stoked, he had poked me once too often!
So HUGE, was my disdain for his smug, big thug, that grinning face,
in retaliation, for my humilation, (as an enraged little sister might do..)
I grabbed one of his model airplanes….and threw……THREW HARD...
It broke into shards, big shrapnel pieces…I dashed for cover...
Hovering behind the hedge…waiting for his own revenge!…
Instead it left a gash, a bloody angry wound, I was aghast....!
Well, of course our Mother got involved.. .
It was resolved by iodine and bandages
And a tongue lashing...
“You could have put out his eye!! ….and then we cried, …the two of us
Well we would repent, and spent the day becoming friends...
The afternoon out in the yard….
One sudden, unguarded moment ….
there was a car,.... came ‘round the bend
and as our game was 'bout to end....his dog, (his mongrel friend) was hit
....and then....
all time suspended........
My brother’s sweet dog, who slept on his bed, was gone
The next hours painfully hung…and long is the memory that still weighs a ton….
Ending with me alone in my bed..
Mute with grief ….remembering his words….”Only girls cry”….
Hearing his sobs……all through the night..
And my parent's cooed comfort, the soundtrack to this tragic movie
That still plays in my darkest theater….all these years later
I shudder still, have a lump in my throat…how that faint little scar, can still emote…
such feelings of tenderness I felt on that day.
Over the years…we have shared many tears…
we have leaned on each other, me and my brother
Big girls will cry, just as little girls do…and big boys can cry,
..and hey,..that’s okay, too
I riff flecked about thee august
Autumn Equinox 2018,
this polymath learned why,
September Equinox
will be at 9:54 PM,
which spoiler alert thy
learned (courtesy Google),
when Or Sun Wells
crosses celestial equator
i.e. (imaginary line in sky
above Earth's Equator
from north to south), a quiet rye
hit moment occurs
Saturday September 22nd, 2018
(at 9:54 PM Eastern
Time) marks onset
of apple cider
and pumpkin pie
a distinct golden jacketed
matted palette well nigh
paints arboreal swath, sans
quiet riot of brilliant
color, that doth belie
rampant terrestrial, unreal,
and venal degradation aye
temporarily turning a (third)
blind eye apathetically, blithely,
and conveniently shunting aside
eyesore fissured gash - wide
cleft wound, where hide
ding away from
global abuse decried
as feeble effort
ignoring doth decide
fate i.e. as does wrecking,
where precious resources espied
snubbing, and thumbing nose
(figuratively) asper dead
serious portentous desperate
(falling on deaf ears) plea chide
dismissively mocking (bird
den some) prophesying,
whence creator cried
alarming, blaring, and clanging
sounding Doomsday Clock,
where ambivalence unheeded
scathing tragic miss guide
did exploitative testament,
where survival of fittest tried
to the max, viz (courtesy
of *****sapiens)
as Mother Nature dost allied
flora and fauna espied
comprising vibrant biosphere
each betrothed nsync, and guide
ding generic hominids shrugging
(Atlas sized fountain head)
off beholden hide
bound wedded bliss
to the other,
this observer awestruck,
sans whirled, wide webbed biota
adorns terra firmae analogous,
qua expectant wedded bride
named Gaia – resplendent
raiment adorned playfully chide,
when (dark and Stormy Dan
yells) Armageddon
legatee - time ran
out for *****sapiens meaning...
salvation to late for human
knit tee, cuz field day, sans
grim reaper will
glory in field day
whar cross bones
numb skull pay fealty.
Ashamed of all the tears, the pain,
Pouring from her heart, like rain…
Feelings shattered but who could she blame?
Hearts are broken and lives – sometimes changed.
Lives, sometimes remain, never spoken,
In darkness, haunted by the shadows that reign,
Silhouettes of a heart who can’t, can’t – can’t
Let go of the past, the fears, the tears, all the years,
Bleeding sorrow and regret,
Losses that remember what if is to feel rejected,
By the very one who held you – helped you to forget,
The sting of a yesterday filled with grief,
Aching like the fresh tingle of a gash,
Melancholy flowing black,
Denial, dread, denouncing the past,
Hesitating to remember where love might last,
Beyond the fading of a tear who falls, quietly,
Surrounded by memories, yesterdays,
When life wasn’t blurred by the sensations,
Impressing on the heart, deepest expressions
Rebuffing the creativity,
Colors of light, glowing intimately,
Remembering why there is glory in grace,
Soothing in the stories that abide,
Sharing the past, where there once decided
Hope was the hour just before dawn,
When life moved in stardust glistening,
Glorifying the One who knows when to wake the sun,
As the beauty of a heart is worn, born…
In tears, like dew clinging to the petals of an herb,
Risking every weather, every storm,
So that, with hope, the song is soon born,
A song of faith, promising His truest grace,
Rising like the Son, who never comes undone,
The One who abides in the heart He’s won,
The One who the spirit praises, with a heart who is sure,
Whatever is to come, whatever is revealed,
In the silence of the dawn,
There lives a soul felt harmony,
The joy that comes from believing in One
Who is light, love, life…
One who knows the spirit’s truth,
Even in the past, even in youth, there is a measure,
Of intense pleasure – that comes to those who see,
Yes, that was then – this is now,
But nothing is greater than knowing the peace,
That comes to those who simply believe,
Just believe and you will see…
Beyond the past, into the love that will last,
The One who heals hearts, restores souls,
Abides in the spirit who truly knows…
What it really means when love makes you see.
If anything could ever be more perfect than what was before my eyes at that time, I'd have to see it to
believe it.
Her eyes glittered like diamonds in the morning sun. It was truly a sight of proportions beyond any normal
human's thoughts. She stepped toward me with the utmost grace and delicacy, along the rugged concrete in
a beautiful, shimmering black dress that came down to her ankles and some expensive looking shoes. I
wasn't sure why she was dressed so glamorously, but nevertheless, she was and it was gorgeous.
When she approached me, I couldn't even say a word before her warmth embraced me. I never wanted to
let go. It was a feeling of pure bliss. The one I loved and I felt that love returned to me, as I siphoned it
through my soul.
A drop of rain caught my attention, as I let go I proceeded to pull a compact umbrella out of my sweater
pocket. The rain grew heavier, and as it did i managed to get my umbrella to open to shield her from the
dark downpour.
It became darker and darker as more and more clouds gathered up and blocked out the sun. The rain
became torrential, the winds grew. A beautiful day turned into a storm as quick as the lightning that struck
above us.
We walked toward a bus stop, to go somewhere; I wasn't entirely sure where we were headed, my body
seemed to move uncontrollably. But as I walked, I noticed her moving farther and farther away. She had
stopped dead in the middle of the sidewalk.
Blood gathered in pools on the ground, meshing in with the rain, dripping off her back. The dress was torn
and the shoes were gone. She fell to her knees and placed her face in her hands.
I ran to her. I couldn't tell if I was crying or if the rain was just gathering on my face. I touched her back, and
there was nothing, nothing but a gaping wound, a gash that was bleeding profusely. I tried to clear her hands
away from her face, but they wouldn't move. I reached once again for her hands, and before they could even
get halfway, a shriek of decibels unknown escaped her lips; a siren's scream it seemed, it deafened me and
sent me flying though the night sky.
The love of my life.
Conley Pratt slouched over the horn
of a battered and trail-worn saddle,
been on the run for several hours now
after being caught rustling cattle.
His side ached, caked in fresh blood
from where a large bullet had struck,
he heard a gurgling rasp in each breath,
and knew he was running low on luck.
He’d never expected to end up here,
a hunted, desperate, ailing rustler,
but times had been hard, he’d made a choice
and now rode, despondent, for the border.
He saw it ahead, just a small stake
that stuck out of the dull, desert ground.
Then somebody shouted,”Look, there he goes!”
Conley did not even bother turning 'round.
He spurred his old roan, pushing onwards,
each step painfully jarring his wound,
He gritted his teeth, and kept up the gallop,
he would be reaching safety soon.
He crossed over then, be he didn’t stop,
not knowing they’d give up the chase.
Shots rang out, and one caught his arm,
but the posse did not push on his way.
Moaning, and bleeding from a new gash,
he struggled hard to maintain his path,
But he’d reach her, he’d reach his Marlena,
and then there’d be no looking back!
He could see her now in his mind’ eye,
tanned skin, dark eyes, and straight hair,
his Mexican beauty, she had pledged to him,
with Marlena there would be no despair.
And now since he could never go back,
he would take her down before the priest,
But first he would have to heal from these wounds,
by ministrations she’d give tenderly.
Her two-room hut came arose in twilight,
And from within it came a soft glow,
bathing in lantern light an adobe wall,
and a small, rectangular widow.
Conley slumped lower, horse trotting on,
having reached the place just in time,
His stomach throbbed, his lungs labored,
without help he faced the end of the line.
He dismounted slowly, then limped on up
and through the window did he see
Marlena on her back, long legs spread wide
while a tall man thrusted vigorously.
Conley’s strength flagged at the mere sight
and he slumped against the hard wall,
his vision faded out to the sound of her cries,
The fates really had taken it all…
CONTINUES IN PART II.
This piece doesn't depict any true events, nor does it
describe my current state of mind. It is what it is,
creativity at its finest. Enjoy (or not) .
I lay in bed and look up at the ceiling late at night, the
same as many nights before, but sumthin just aint
right,
I'm fighting major drowsiness and yes I'm kinda
shook, I hope it doesn't hurt those 40 sleeping pills I
took.
I'm tired of the life I'm living cause it's all a joke, I try
and mask my misery with alcohol and smoke,
the pain is cause for laughter even though it badly
hurts, I talk and badly slur I guess it's gone from bad
to worse.
I think about my daughter growing up without me
here, I'm sorry Stinky Faces, Daddy's thinking
thoughts through tears,
emotions mixed with medicine, my thinking's not too
clear, I'll miss the coming years in which to chase
away your fears.
It shouldn't have ever come to this, it really isn't fair, I
should've took assistance but my pride just didn't
care,
the weight's become too burdensome for mind and
soul to bear, I get up, try to walk and fall face first into
a chair.
I'm on the floor and leaking from the gash above my
eye, commercials on the TV say to kiss it all goodbye,
but it's not really saying that, it's all inside my mind,
so funny what you hear when on the verge of time to
die.
I'm thinkin on my peoples and I'll damn sure miss
them so, there's Chosen, Nikki, Lady Ice, D. Sweets
plus Lou and Stone,
the E.P.I.C. Fam, my homie Rich, bright lights just
make me stare, it feels like something's grabbing at
me, baby take me there.
My thoughts soon turn to Wifey and the pain that
she'll endure, to fix whatever ails me God I wish she
had the cure,
I'm happy I won't live to see the hurt that's in her
eyes, to know I caused this for my baby, I deserve to
die.
The blood loss leave me motionless, the pills have
hit their stride, with visions of the park I rode my bike
in all those times,
so long ago when I was young but times have rolled
on by, my final thought is of my child and then I close
my eyes,
goodbye.....
a ghastly …
prospect ...
the ground torn open before him
a wound in the earth that called to his dark heart
pulled on his better judgement like lead ...
warm, the darkness -
warm and peaceful, if but a plunge away
he turned back around to the giant chess board
it's alternate squares dancing -
monochromatic patchwork of fealty and fate
with just seven solid forms left atop it
only two were his, King and Pawn
hopeless barter for the formidable Whites -
King, Knight, Rook, Pawn
and yes, the opposing Queen -
bound on all sides, with but a last gasp due …
he glanced behind him at the crevasse
the torn black gape smiling at him
whispering, tender:
"all is lost, give yourself to the grim dispassion
soft and irenic, that which waits -
rest ... rest, and deep, deep abiding sleep" ...
Death waited on both sides, like cold bookends
though the gash in the ground offered painless silence,
(and the expunging of all his misdeeds)
not so, the black-winged specter he
faced in strategy ...
THAT end would be assuredly excruciating …
he looked once more to the abyssal hole
reaching back with one leg as
if to dip his toes in a puddle, dark … cold
then drew up to the board and made his move ...
the sacrifice had worked, you see
and in his rush to take the Black Majesty
Death had been negligent -
one oddly careless act
and the man moved his pawn to crown it
the final move was not required -
"sauce for the goose" …
Death put his head back and screamed to the sky
a scream that stabbed the marrow
as if heaven cared for his pitied displeasure …
he looked at the man briefly
then wagged his index finger with a wry grin
it transformed to a feather as he did so
the rest of his digits followed
and slowly … torturously, he came to his full form -
a raven -
so black that it devoured all
the light around it …
the massive, ragged bird shuffled its
talons to the board
knocked over its king with disgust
and flew into the yawning fissure in the ground
swallowed by the black earth that
closed in behind it
and there, in the dark soil and ash
a tiny green sprout ...
of life.