Long Funnyhouse Poems
Long Funnyhouse Poems. Below are the most popular long Funnyhouse by PoetrySoup Members. You can search for long Funnyhouse poems by poem length and keyword.
Real Estate Jargon Explained
By Elton Camp
When a house is for sale there’s good reason why
Trouble can come to anyone who advertises a lie
If the sellers certain expressions carefully choose
It will become easy the careless buyer to confuse
“This house is simply loaded with charm.”
Means we hope old and ugly won’t alarm
If you see it’s a “Pet friendly neighborhood,”
Dog manure in your yard should be understood
The praising note, “Easy access to the freeway”
Means thousands will pass your house each day
Beware the notation of “Low maintenance lot.”
Since neither front nor back yards have you got
“Historic house maintained in its original state”
It is a run-down old relic that you soon will hate
“It’s a doll house that you are going to adore.”
The house’s tiny rooms you’ll come to deplore
“The dwelling is located on a fine corner lot”
Then traffic both front and sides you have got
If the place is described as “Ready to move in,”
Then painted with the cheapest grade it has been
“A desirable neighborhood” means that its location
Has made it overpriced due to a snobbish reputation
If of “In-city living” the seller proudly does tell
Not safe to walk after dark it should say as well
If it is a “Handy-man special,” then better look out
The old place is ready to collapse without any doubt
If the advertisement should say, “Lots storage space,”
The basement is nothing but a dark, moldy disgrace
If the selling point is of “Seasonal water view,”
It means water was visible before the trees grew
If the seller says that “All your lot is usable land,”
You can know that not a single tree still does stand
If “Close to shopping” the advertisement does call
It means your backyard is adjacent to the big mall
When the imperative is that you must “See inside,”
It has a horrid exterior that is impossible to hide
If it is happily described as “Cozy, it should be read
That no room is big enough to contain a full-size bed
This is how “Make an offer” you actually should take:
It’s been long on the market so don’t make a mistake
The inviting phrase is “Watch wildlife from your patio”
You can expect to get ticks and fleas if outside you go
So if your house purchase in a year you will praise,
Watch carefully for the real meaning of each phrase
Moving Into a Haunted House
By Elton Camp
It was a story the Realtor had heard before
We were looking for an old house to restore
“It has to have a basement and two floors
If it was a Victorian, we’d like that even more.”
“On a large plot of land the house has to be.
We don’t want to look out and neighbors see.
It can’t be some old relic that is falling down
But we’ll do work on the house and ground.”
The agent then tried to hide a delighted grin
“Long on the market this one place has been.
Your description made think of it right away.
Get in my car and we’ll drive out there today.”
The fine old mansion wasn’t near to any towns
The driveway twisted through neglected grounds
Through a break in the trees, we caught a sight
The place brought a mixture of fright and delight
When we found that all furnishing were included,
We made an offer and the deal was soon concluded
At closing, the Realtor one thing more did reveal
“I learned it’s haunted so you can cancel the deal.”
“Hey, I am not some ignorant, superstitious fool.
One who believes in zombie, ghost, witch or ghoul.
If any spirits are in our house as you have predicted,
They better be packing as they’re about to be evicted.”
The very first night after we moved in from the town,
We were about to go to bed, but heard a horrible sound
It was something like from a movie or a scary dream
It was frightful, as if some tortured soul did scream
The source of the disturbance was on the first floor
We crept down the stairs and heard it more and more
I wondered if we would still be alive the next morning
I reproached myself for failing to take agent’s warning
Finally to find the dark, noisy room took us several tries
I shone into it the light and saw a pair of glowing eyes
The cries came to a stop and trembling I stood still
And down my back there ran a fright-induced chill
The flashlight tumbled to the floor from my hand
I couldn’t decide if it was better that I run or stand
What happened next was, to me, almost too much
A soft form, my lower legs began to lightly touch
I felt that I could not withstand the fright any more,
But my very feet felt as they were glued to the floor
My wife switched on her flashlight and yelled “Scat.”
Down the hallway scooted a lost and frightened cat
I went to a friend's house just the other day. And
man, I tell you that place I would not rather stay.
The roaches are bad; they take over the place. Let me
tell you the story...it all happened this way.
When it was time to eat, I looked around and what the
hell! This place seemed to be loaded with a bunch of
roach motels.
So we ate our food, for more my friend begged. But
something troubled me, I felt something crawling up
my leg.
It was a cockroach! I jumped up and misbehaved. So
what else was there to do, but reach for a can of raid.
I tried to spray the thing, running after it like a
soldier. It ran into a hole, but peaked out saying,
"This isn't over!"
I went back to the table...that episode gave me the
creeps. But heck I was hungry, so I returned to my
place to eat.
What I saw next put me in a sour mood. A roach was
giving thanks and proceeded to eat my food!
Well so much for dinner, I'll call it a night and brush
my teeth. I flicked on the light and there he was, "So
again we meet!"
"I told you this isn't over," then he flew towards my
face. I ducked and I took off running in a panic haste.
This roach seemed determined as he flew towards me. "If
I don't get you now," he said "then I'll get you while
your asleep."
"Every step step you make. Every move you make,you'll
think of only me. I'll pop up when you least expect it,
count on that, hehehe."
I confronted my friend and told him, "This house the
roaches rule..." I went to say more, but he interrupted,
"Silence you fool!"
"Our roaches aren't that bad..." but suddenly he let out
a scream. A roach crawled in his shorts, now he's coming
apart at the seams.
I was laughing so hard at him that I was turning blue.
Suddenly I stopped laughing, because by my ear something
flew.
It was that flying cockroach, so like a running-back I
ran. This was too much for me to take, more than I could
stand.
I ran out the house and said enough is enough. If my friend
don't want to be friends no more, then oh well, tough!"
This story was a fiction, but this truth may hurt. You see a
roach, there are more, so make a diligent search.
Don't be a victim. Please be safe and whatever you do...don't
let a bunch of no good roaches get the best of you!
It's now a month later. An invitation is sent to me;
turning it down I reply, "Over my dead body!"
He tells me the roaches are gone because he called
the exterminator. I tell him, "Fine then I will see
you a little later.
I arrived to his house. He hands me a beer. "The
roaches, my friend, are gone. It's so good to have
you here!"
Drinking all that beer made me had to pee. I lifted
the toilet seat and there he was, "Sweet revenge
for me!"
I can't believe my eyes, it's that flying cockroach! I
thought they were gone, but now it doesn't appear so.
He then flew at me, so I swatted hm with my hand. He
dodged and I missed, oh darn I almost pissed my pants!
I gotta pee, but the heck with it, so I ran for my life.
Looks like this will be a very long and scary night.
Guess I'll go to bed, it's not safe to walk around.
Hopefully I'll get to sleep then in the morning I'll
skip town.
What I saw next man, this just wasn't right. A roach
with PJS in bed yelled out, "Turn off that damn light!"
I guess it wasn't quick enough because he suddenly flew
at me. I ducked and he missed...hmmm now where could
he be?
When I catch up to him he will be good as dead. Suddenly
he appeared crawling quickly up my leg.
I ran in another room but stopped, the reason why you see;
my friend was in front of a statue praying down on bended
knee.
"This house is cleansed of cockroaches, though the job was
hard." But as he prayed, a roach bit him right there in front
of the lord!
"Get the raid!" He screamed "My prayers seem unheard
somehow!" SO I ran to get the spray while screaming,
"Feet don't fail me now!"
I sprayed him while saying, "Life for you is over-with!"
He wasn't fazed, he stood there, "That's ant spray you
idiot!"
"You know you are sad and that's just too bad, because all
you've done now was simply made me mad."
I ran out if the house and my friend did to. Two cockroaches
shouted, "Don't come back or worse things we'll do to you!"
Putting his house up for sale cheap, someone will buy it
quicker then. The roaches have won this battle, sadly this
is how it ends.
Form:
Early in the morning as my feet hit the floor, I jump in my britches and I’m out the door.
Down and around the corner is a mighty fine place to eat. So I hurry down to the diner at the
end of the street. Falling out of my drawers and stepping out of my shoes, I finally make it
down to the diner to share the good news. By the looks of those folks, they weren’t very
impressed and wanted to know why it was that I couldn’t stay dressed. Quick on my feet, I
began to tell my story of this new diet and all of its glory. It’s a liquid diet, I explained, and
they quickly wanted to know what the diet was named. Thinking of the night before and all
that I could recall, I gave the diet the name “Alcall”. When I finished my breakfast, I was off
again. At this time, I head to the house to see the love of my life, my wife and my friend. I
make it to the house and step through the door and I quickly discover that the place I call
home was no more. Greeting me at the door was a woman with hair that was snow-white;
with a rolling pen in her left hand and a shotgun in her right. She loaded the gun and shot me
in the rear-end, I quickly come to the realization that this is not the love of my life, my wife
and definitely not my friend. I run down the street with my drawers to my knees and my
buns on fire; calling to the Lord in a pitch that is getting higher and higher. I didn‘t make it
too far down the street when low and behold it was the law that I did meet. They slapped on
the hand-cuffs and threw me in jail and it was only until later that my wife came with bail. As
she looked at the surprised look on my face, it was the grin on hers that she couldn’t erase.
She then laughed and looked at me knowing and asked how my diet was going. It was then
that I had to declare that my new diet obviously wasn’t getting me anywhere. Due to the
convincing series of events that occurred that day, I vowed to give up my diet of “Alcall” in
every way.
Form:
There once were three magical pigs.
They were neighbors that danced the jig.
The wolf in the valley
Sometimes walked down their alley.
He was hungry for one of those pigs!
Pig-one lived in a house made of straw.
He looked at his walls with great awe.
At night he would nibble
His saliva would dribble.
He often ate straw from his wall.
The second pig had a house made of sticks.
He built it without magical tricks.
And although it was rare,
He nibbled sticks there.
Until piggy-two became sick…very sick.
At night he would scream for ice cream!”
An unusual request so it seems.
It annoyed piggy one
Who waved his magic wand!
Sweet corn on pig two’s wall”, he schemed.
The third pig built a house of bricks.
Bricks are much stronger than sticks.
So, try as he might,
He could not nibble at night.
So, he practiced his jig just for kicks.
Their neighbor, the alley-walking wolf,
Snuck around one night, never saying, “Woof!”
He went to the first pig’s house.
He acted like a lousy louse.
A zip of the wand; the bad wolf was gone. Poof!
Piggy-one ran to tell pig-two and pig-three.
You’ll never believe the sight he did see.
Pig-two and the wolf had a cup
Ice cream they swallowed all up.
How in the world could this be?
The wolf was still hungry; that was bad.
Roast pig was the best option that he had.
When he lunged at those two,
Through the air he flew.
Pig three waved his wand three pigs were glad.
Pig-three had been watching them there.
Unlikely friends at an ice cream affair
The skinniest of the pigs,
Started dancing pig jigs.
Because he ended that wolf with great flare.
A “Ribbitt” instead of a growl,
That wolf will never more howl.
Three magical pigs…
Spend their nights doing jigs.
No longer fearing the wolf’s angry growl.
Inspired by the store of the Three Little Pigs:
Written for Johyn Heck's "Happily Ever After" contest
A Convict on the Loose
By Elton Camp
It was eight o’clock and we’d settled for the night
But little traffic was passing so our street was quiet
One of our favorite movies was just about to begin
When Eye Witness News abruptly came breaking in
“It’s a serious announcement that we interrupt to tell.
A convicted murderer has just broken out from his cell.
He was seen heading for the residential neighborhood,
He has sworn that to escape he’d do anything he could.”
The newsman explained he was dangerous and armed
And that, while escaping, two people he had harmed
“We don’t want too much the public to disconcert,
But everyone should remain cautious and on alert.”
My wife and then exchanged some worried glances
“I’ll check the doors. There’s no use taking chances.”
The doors were locked and all seemed secure to me
So I walked back to the family room to watch TV
The old movie had just barely gotten underway
When a noise at the door a presence did betray
The unexpected sound made me cringe with fear
After dark, nobody to our house should come near
It’s got to be the evil criminal they warned about.
Of that scary fact, I didn’t have the least doubt
To the door it would be extremely foolish to go
I felt a sense of total terror beginning to grow
I lifted the receiver and quietly dialed 911
“Send a policeman to our house on the run!
It’s just awful how dangerous this is sounding.
As on our back door a vicious man is pounding.”
Very soon, there was a siren and a flashing light
Outside our door we heard yelling and a fight
A bullhorn called, “We have caught the crook.
Now please come on outside and take a look.”
On the ground, hands cuffed behind his back,
Was our next door neighbor, young Joe Black
The man was angrily cursing and having a fit
“To warn of danger I came. This is what I get.”
When I was growing up, my Dad
had some quaint old fashioned notions
of what a good girl should or shouldn’t do.
I didn’t want to make him sad
I tried so hard to please him.
But dear old Daddy didn’t have a clue.
Sometime I slipped a little and
I’d hear my daddy say.
“My sisters Cass and Annie
would never act that way.
They never would have cut their hair.
To wear those shorts they wouldn’t dare.
If our pa caught them, they would rue the day.
They might not listen to their ma,
but they could not bamboozle Pa.
So change your clothes or in the house you’ll stay.”
I tried to be so very good and make my Daddy proud.
I always did just as I should and nothing not allowed.
I wondered what my aunts had done to have a little fun.
He told me what they hadn’t but never what they’d done.
And then when I was older, my brother took a wife.
He raised a little daughter, the treasure of his life.
The other day she told me how her dad would always say
“My sisters Joyce and Gladys
would never act that way.”
She said she’d hated us a lot
and wondered how much fun we got
from always being so darned good
and always acting like we should.
I laughed so hard at what she had to say.
“You might not listen to your ma,
But you cannot bamboozle Pa,
So change your clothes or in the house you’ll stay.”
She’d tried hard to be so good, to make her daddy proud
but he just never understood, some things were now allowed.
It was all right to cut your hair,
Lipstick and shorts were fine to wear,
and that she had such perfect aunts just wasn’t fair.
I told her she would have her turn
when her own niece would have to learn
the first time that she heard her Daddy say,
“My sister Bonnie didn’t act that way.”
For Leighann Anderson's contest "Free For All"
A McMansion for Sale
By Elton Camp
It’s a deal that can’t be beat.
Why, it has 4,000 square feet.
The ceilings are ten feet high.
In this extraordinary house buy.
The garage will hold four cars.
It has two dens, both with bars.
You become such a great host.
Seven bedrooms it does boast.
The bathrooms number eight.
To use them, none will wait.
Media room on the ground floor.
How could you ask for more?
Ignore those who call it pretentious.
They’re only jealous and contentious.
Houses around look much the same.
For styling lack, nobody is to blame.
It is located on a cul de sac.
No amenities does it lack.
Builder cut cost to the bone.
He used materials unknown.
Many immigrants he thrilled,
As he used workers unskilled.
Who dare say it’s not in good taste?
Or that planet’s resources it’ll waste?
The house fills nearly the whole lot,
So little bit of yard work have you got.
Land use is efficient--so very green,
Next house--can barely walk between.
Tennis court is located in back.
Swimming pool it doesn’t lack.
Out front, a fountain does spew.
Poor pass and have to say “Ooh.”
More houses there for all your clan.
Quite a number now empty do stand.
So there’s no need to worry about noise.
That might come from girls and boys.
To see that it is quite new is no trouble.
It was built during the housing bubble.
So you have found a genuine prize.
The Joneses lack a house that size.
Why not throw caution to the wind?
This house is a great place to begin.
House prices finally will come to rise.
Payment will be so small in your eyes.
Though critics may call it a disgrace,
Saying that it has lots too much space,
Make this fine house your family nest.
All your relatives will be so impressed.
An Unexpected Visitor
By Elton Camp
The crunch of gravel in our drive
Announced a visitor had arrived
The curtain I then pushed aside
The car with amazement eyed
“Oh my, what could be worse?
It’s somebody in a black hearse.”
Wife: “I see what you do mean,
But I think it’s a big limousine.”
The back door swung open wide
Toward our house a man did stride
His appearance took me aback
For he was most surely a black
A shock that caller just had to give
In the neighborhood where we live
To be fair, people really do try,
But old prejudices are hard to die
Had the man come there to rob?
Or was he looking for some job?
But with his car and fancy clothes,
It’s hard to think he’s one of those
So when I heard him knock,
The door I did warily unlock
Standing just outside the door
There was a man I’d seen before
“Hi, Barack Obama is my name
I guess you wonder why I came.
This is not some senseless trick.
Your house was a random pick.”
“Opinion polls are my undoing.
My popularity misconstruing.
With regular people I try to chat
To speak about this and that.”
I didn’t know just what to say,
But asked him in right away.
We had a visit of about an hour
With that man of great power
And just as soon as he was gone,
We quickly got on the telephone
“You won’t believe who came today
And all the things we heard him say!”
With laughter they all did choke.
They thought it was only a joke
But we both know it is not a lie
The president truly did come by