Long Broken down Poems
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Your voice is the perfect song to listen to on a road trip.
To view all the things that remind me of you.
Miles away from the stress of work.
Your voice, the open road.
Someone I can love, no traffic jam in sight.
The goosebumps from the air on full blast.
To feel love when no love is felt.
A broken down car with someone to help when something is wrong.
The air tastes different, miles away from the city.
A euphoric high.
Your voice a beautiful path.
My phone thrown somewhere in the backseat traveling a scenic road I've never been.
No track of time.
The thing about disease is that you never know until its too late.
It spreads. Becoming infectious.
You've become my relief, my cure.
Your voice like the breeze flowing through my hand.
Your voice the only other sound that could be heard outside of the car and the road.
I've kissed the air a thousand times over.
Driving pass my destination.
Listening to the sound of your voice.
I don't want to move from behind the steering wheel.
What's a couple hundred more miles.
You guiding me pass every exit sign.
Enjoying the ride
Those one way streets, that lead to dead ends
The giving and sacrifice on a way road
The words of help echo from ears that don't listen
Then a rough road turns in one's own life, nothing is there
Where are they? Understanding diminishes in the fog
What one can see, another may not and it is dark
The worry for those who don't worry about themselves
The brick wall of denial, that cannot be broken down
All that wears on the soul, as tiredness creeps in
There must be boundaries and the signs of teamwork,
leading to unity, and peace on two way streets
Caring can be accomplished in a special silence,
with conversation at a different kind of speed
There is only so much care in one's being to release,
before their self becomes completely ignored
Life is a process of learning, building a safe house board by board
Heidi Sands
10/9/24
(C)opyright
November 11th, 1938. winter, Sweden
neighbor's pond water is not frozen yet
bucket spilled drops are chilly
grandma Sven's crocheted mittens are not warm enough
younger brother Finn tells me to hurry
family waits for these precious drops of water
cannot fire up cast iron cook stove without stew juice
Chester, our broken down farm pony waits patiently
sky spells out snowstorm
I am shivering now, my feet feel frostbitten
I wish that we were closer to the home
Christmas Krampus is coming, my brother teases me
When I laugh I see my breath, it travels up in weather puffs
if we do not move soon, there will be frosty icicles on our noses
I am grateful for Finn
he knows how to keep my mind off my discomfort
It seems difficult to witness the last moments
Of your near and dear ones
But in reality I witnessed
The last calm heaves of my father
Without the slightest agony
My father
Lain on the hospital bed
Eyes half closed
With only the stare of death
Hazily glittering through the half ajar lids
Heaved once or twice
The monitor indifferently recording
The fast decreasing pulse rate
The incessant AC chilling the air
And then
It was all over
It was the perfect moment
I should have broken down on his still warm body
All the agony, pangs, tears abound
Following the impeccable script
But
I could not
I didn’t weep out
I just stepped out of the cabin
And felt dazed amidst the crowd
I even slept untroubled that night
The next morning
As I entered the lonely room of my father
And looked at the empty bed
With his specs waiting sullenly
His stick leaning on the wall
All his books pining silently
Perhaps they guessed their master’s absence
At that very moment
I felt something happening inside me
A benumbing cry rose from my heart
An uncontrollable one, it choked my throat
Tears, holy tears, bless me, enchant me
I really want to break myself free
From the deep, dark crevices of life
Sometimes when I triumph
I fall right back to my knees
If I can’t keep your peace
Then what does it really mean
I’ve been looking out my window
I’ve been searching for a smile
And all I’ve come to grasp
A mother’s widowed child
And I don’t write your songs
Cause I don’t know your wrongs
In this garden no one walks alone
And I can’t speak for all
But I’m right there when you fall
No I don’t have your love
And I can’t touch your heart
I’ve fallen from above
And I’ve been broken down
But I’ve been thinking of
Another Sunday morning
Sometimes when I triumph
I realize the worlds still learning
I’ve been tunneling through a burner
My dear Amelia
I am the heir to your heart
And it’s been a hell of a summer
So push me through the wind
I just need you to see me through
Breathe air into my lungs
Give me the strength to carry on
"Songs in gray"
This is a world where nothing really works,
where disappointment elbows out belief.
Behind each spurt of hope, a let-down lurks.
Each valiant voyage founders on some reef.
But you? You've never known a moment's care.
Those lips are strangers to the bitter residue
which makes my only fare. You toss that hair,
and doors are opened eagerly to you.
I've nurtured this bleak love for far too long.
I've dragged it like a chain around my feet,
across my wilderness. No longer strong,
I'm broken-down, diminished, incomplete.
Whatever you dislike, you simply slough.
No hand-me-downs for you, no dregs or crumbs.
Regret has never creased that lovely brow.
You just expect fine things, and fine things come.
I've no illusions left. It's run its course.
I've tried to give you up, resign, recant.
And you who never weep, or feel remorse,
I've tried so hard to curse you. But I can't.
Where do I begin,
within a deep, intricate ravine of what I have seen,
where I have been, to the breathing, living hell.
Down there, it’s a knife’s edge,
A broken ledge, where defeat becomes foundation,
the destination that leads to transformation.
Devastation, fuel for impossible imagination.
Broken down…
Piece by piece…
Torn open into a million species.
Cuts so deep it releases,
revealing truth, untouched, unrepressed,
completely undressed of all that’s come to rest
I am bleeding…
healing…
Feeling…
Down there, I found a treasure so rare,
I dare use words to bring to life,
what was once resting on the edge of life’s knife.
But a seed spawned and the roots cracked through,
twisting…
existing between what grew and how I knew you.
A new mind was born from this ancient storm,
A new heart, warm…
Absorbed in the fall…
Oh, what a sensual experience after all.
I brought the shadow to the light, I witnessed your bare,
Vulnerable…
Fervent…
My darkest servant.
Fractured bones...
Shivering skin...
Punctured ribs...
From deep within...
Shattered regret...
Tattered and torn skull...
Trying to find a solace outlet
Broken down as a whole
Splattered blood...
Tainted body...
Becoming undone...
Becoming nobody...
The battles never won...
Sorrow and pain has just begun...
Tomorrow will be a brand-new day
Another day, overflowing with dismay
Overflowing disarray
Raindrops from bitter clouds
Wandering around, getting led astray...
Wearing saturated shrouds
Wandering around in the crowd
I've been crying literally out loud
Pushed unto the ground with much force
I'm like a winged horse out of course
Flying barely...
Alive at last!
Surviving hardly
Letting go of the past
Forgiveness spilling out so fast...
Forgetting the tribulation that was so mast...
Ring damn it!!!
-
Dust collects on the closed slatted blinds
as carpet stains scream each time I walk through
leaving trails of bread crumbs and ashes,
though without you I always find my way back
to those corners in the dark
where cobwebs celebrate solitude
awaiting a face to capture
and laughing as they surf the web
A broken down couch of green fabric,
worn and tattered from unending naps,
groans of feet propped up on its arms
(Blood flow to the brain…yeah whatever)
Beer bottle rings create a drunken mosaic
on a helpless coffee table
between scattered junk mail, wayward Doritos
and a cell phone with an almost dead battery
The one I stare at, waiting for it to chime,
beep, ding, play the Game of Thrones theme song,
whatever the hell it is supposed to do
when you call…when you call
as I am reminded how much I hate commercials,
all of these happy people running around
driving new cars, going out to dinner,
finding name brand shoes at discount prices
Why can’t I forget, lose those memories
File them away somewhere, like a drawer
in the kitchen I never use, it’s no use,
you are there, always on my mind
That smile, those eyes, the times I felt truly loved
and I still laugh…me, loved? Maybe that was the problem,
maybe that was my problem,
maybe I was the problem…ring damn it!!!!
You and me, by day, we’re drifting apart,
Less push, no heat and no drive,
Where once we had a connection of love,
Now everything seems to have died,
And the end of each day comes sooner and fast,
What we had is gone by about one,
Our goodbyes have become a broken down bond,
By the time the recharge has begun,
And recharging now takes most of the day,
You put in no effort at all,
When what you do is sit and not move,
Plugged into the hole in the wall,
You and me once were attached at the ear,
You would listen to all that I said,
But now I feel I need to replace you for new,
Because your insides are dead.