Long Bladder Poems
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OLD AGE
My hair has turned gray,
My hips lost their sway,
And my knees have started to creak.
I`ve got corns and bunions,
My arches have fallen,
And my bladder has started to leak.
I`ve got glasses too,
Keep around pairs, a few,
`Cause I can`t always find them, you see.
It`s a must needs to keep them,
`Cause if I can`t find them,
I can`t see to put in my teeth.
My knees are both achin`,
And that has been makin`,
My back hurt clear up to my head.
My youth is gone too, Dear,
But old age I don`t fear,
I`d rather be old than be dead.
So keep on a-smilin`,
And keep on defyin`,
The Grim Reaper long as you can.
I`m goin`full tilt,
Until I get kilt,
Or die from old age, that`s my plan.
Judy Ball
She was angry with the daughter!
Lost her temper with the father!
Nearly to death, kicked the cat!
Called her only son “a little prat”!
Family was surprised by her mood,
They have never seen her this rude,
She was always so placid and calm,
Her behaviour today raised alarm!
She woke up with aches and moans,
Progressed soon to frequent groans,
Soon she was on the floor in a pile,
Vomiting lots and lots of green bile!
Worried they rushed her to the clinic,
It was all so sudden and all so manic,
That a nice person would transform,
From gentle soul to a human bomb!
The surgeon, Mr. Tan allayed her fear,
His voice loud, unfettered and clear
“Reason you are so mad and madder
Is because of an angry gall bladder!”
She was listed for Keyhole operation,
Nurse calmed her down with sedation
Post surgery she slept well that night
Next day she was calm and upright!
leaves are still falling
out of my bed i am crawling
if a smile was a dictionary,
it would have a scent of mahogany and amber
peacefully i admire the blessing of a view
that i thought i would never see because of the blue hue
as i go out on the screened in patio
a deer watches me closely as it dines on the grass
the medium, windy breeze accentuates the feeling of the vibe
the overall totality of it breathes the Oxygen of God's Smile
i think about the beats of my heart,
which overlaps any recurring thoughts of my personal struggles
i then get lost again in the falling leaves of brown
how in the world can i feel down
uplifted, my bladder reminds me that it is not awake as well
my stomach then growls with a light, but knowing expressiveness at what is about to come
though past losses changed the feeling of this day in me
the warmth of the memories of the Lost and Fallen will AllWays Stay In Me
though nontraditional i currently am
not an awful attitude will be had, nor will a door unnecessarily slam
as the Blessing of The Sprits Breathe Life and Beauty on This Day of Thanks
eliminated from the essence of Me are nos, won'ts, nots, and aint's
my mindstate in the Right Frame to Claim
Positivity and Its Strides is the Main Aim of My Game
the sun is shining
i am smiling it up instead of whining
I Give Thanks and Praise no matter what i do or where I am dining
My favorite college professor, the woman who talked me back into finishing the counseling program, when I wanted to quit, was Dr. Jean.
Dr. Jean insisted on an exit interview right before I graduated.
“You are delightful,” she told me. “Unique, funny, so I don’t know how to say this, but….”
In case you have not figured it out, as soon as you hear the but, it’s not going to be anything good.
“I really want you to hear me,” she said. “When you go to an interview, well…um….don’t be you.”
I looked at her in awe for about two seconds, then our faces both cracked at the same time and we began to hoot with laughter, loud, ugly, who gives a claw egg, type laughter. We could not stop.
It was an avalanche now. Pretty soon we were in each other’s chairs, hanging onto each other
In pure glee, our insanely loud laughter, echoing down the halls of the building. Laugh-crying now.
I was so glad my bladder was empty.
“Okay,” Dr. Jean said, pulling herself out of my arms. “What I meant to say is, be yourself, just….”
“Not so much MYSELF,” I said.
She smiled. “Exactly,” she said.
Then she handed me my favorite book in the whole world, and said, “This heroine reminds me of you.”
If you have never read ‘The Paper Bag Princess,’ then please do.
Whither now hunker-shins?
You have a sweet countenance,
a squat grace,
always middle-aged
on the still edge of a speeding sun.
Another swift day has begun
yet here you sit among the traffic
unflinching, a bold
bladder quelling gravity
with low-sprung shanks.
You deep-seated recliner,
standing-pat over upholstered hams.
A lumpy Mona Lisa,
with your come-hither girth
and just a thin membrane
between you and chaos.
Your skin an alien chiaroscuro,
a candle-lit atlas,
and in the cockle and crimp
of your glistening skin
a truculent contrarian gleams
beneath your world-dismissing
Buddha smile.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
redux
I hurry to the ladies toilets
Because I need to use the loo
But all the cubicles are occupied
(There’s a stench of rancid pooh)
I stand there with my legs crossed
And I do a little ‘dance’
Oh hurry up and vacate the stall
Or I’m going to pee my pants!
I eventually hear a toilet flush
And I hobble through that door
But I need to wipe down the toilet seat
Removing drips from the butt before
I finally pull down my pants
And I dribble a tiny little pee
I’d thought my bladder was fit to burst
So there was no need for this urgency!
I can hear ladies chatter outside the door
Asking why is there such a big queue
My hubby tells me next time I need to go
I should sneak in the gentlemen’s loo!
3rd April 2017
Not fretting couldn’t be gladder about getting podgy?
Forgetting about a stodgy bladder that’s definitely dodgy?
Sadder even snotty about needing a potty..regretting being dotty
Betting some grotty grumps about bumps & lumps anything spotty
Sometimes memory stumps.. only remember embers now befuddled
Somehow the huddled cast of the distant past still cuddled
Ashes of once clear flashes of near yesteryear appear muddled
Ribald oracle.. grinning about going bald...hair thinning
Apart from the ears and nose where it shows..grows & flows
Can't pretend follicle foes & woes.. do descend dear friend
Clearer you're now nearer to the rear end than the beginning
Refined increasingly find you do become more kind
Other than the tumour of another baby boomer
Defined needy seedy greedy.. must feed me consumer
Not a rumour..increasingly I pined for candour and humour
Chaps can perhaps blossom as a wined & dined late bloomer
No remorse.. scheming larrikin leaning's still in force
Gleaning the gleaming meaning of life is all about giving
Dreaming.. loving.. smile beaming and "living" of course
Banks did not burst,
just a full bladder of river leaking
into our back yards.
It drooled over
the low steps of high roots,
into groundhog holes,
into the ditches where winter debris
had already washed-up.
As the water inched
we made phone calls to each other,
imaginations spilling over
into memories of past inundations.
Some put on rubber boots
and armed with brooms
swept the ripples away.
Biblical deluges were discussed.
Will the garden ornaments rust?
We watched sparrows bathing.
No geese or ducks landed.
Nothing sailed off over the fields.
A damp sulky cat
was retrieved from a puddle.
The mail was cataclysmically late.
Where I live, a bunch of idiots work at the DMV.
They proved that by giving a drivers license to me.
When I drive, I constantly drive in the wrong lane.
Some people call me stupid, others call me insane.
If you're on the same road while I'm driving,
you won't have much of a chance of surviving.
I've wrecked so many cars that my insurance company no longer pays.
If you ever see me driving in your neighborhood, you really should pray.
If you're out walking while I'm driving, you sure will need to get out of my way.
Because if you don't, your next of kin will be informed that you've passed away.
I drive extremely bad during the night and even worse in the rain.
When I die, my body will be donated to science but they won't accept my brain.
When people see me coming, they lose bladder control and pee.
The gospel truth is that even drunk drivers drive better than me.
I used to be a boss in the cut-throat business world
Until the day I woke and everything I ate I hurled
My belly grew, my energy shrank, so I "simplified" my life
Added two sons, lost bladder control, now I'm a desperate housewife!
It seemed so easy at the time, no tedious nine to five
Cook some meals, clean the house, keep the dears alive
How could I know each'd come out cutting his own cord with a knife?
One look at their red, glowing eyes and I'm a desperate housewife.
I begged my husband to go and have a simple snippy-snip
Did he see the way those spawn of hell caused my flesh to rip?
"C'mon you baby! Get them cut! Just do it for your wife!"
As he fell unconscious to the floor, Crap! I'm a desperate housewife!
I attended groups for house-bound moms hoping for relief
Instead they heard I don't breast feed and gave me lots of grief!
"Cloth diapers and organic foods, extend our planet's life."
Chugged my "water" half filled with gin, 'cuz I'm a desperate housewife!
My story has a happy end, as most such tales you'll hear
I started my own Mommy's group, dues cigarettes and beer.
And when we meet I forget the stress with which my day is rife
And for a night I feel like I'm no more a desperate housewife!
6/11/2016