was skipping through my bathroom one day
about to land in my office, when an inner voice yelled hey!
Turn on the light first, which I had never done, but did it this time.
Saw a six foot black rat snake, stopped my bare feet just in time.
If I had landed on the snake, he would have no doubt taken a bite.
Rat snakes are not poisonous but being bitten is not a delight.
I have been bitten by a snake once before.
I shuddered at having this creature in my house; shut the bathroom door.
cost of snake-remover eradicating this creature is five hundred dollars.
An exterminator came out, then we heard his hollers.
Dogs won’t bother these traps the exterminator said.
They have poison in them and they’ll make mice dead.
They snap shut with indicators of green and red.
He was their chief expert, his name was Big Fred.
He had not met our dog Buddy, who was asleep on our bed.
Buddy ate that mouse trap this evening, my husband said.
He’s thrown up his food all over our Kansas homestead.
I am angry about it and blame that pest guy, Big Fred.
We shoveled stuff under the couch.
Piles of it, until it was lumpy and the cushions rose in the air.
We shoved stuff under the refrigerator
But the mice shoved it back
This is when we fired the exterminator.
We shoveled stuff under the couch.
Piles of it, until it was lumpy and the cushions rose in the air.
We shoved stuff under the refrigerator
But the mice shoved it back
This is when we fired the exterminator.
I think of a past lover,
One lost now in the machinery of time,
but that’s just a poet’s conceit,
she has built a castle
where she now rules dozen of white mice,
one of those twitchy loyal rodents
has my face.
Far better to see her
wandering in a maze of sweet sorrow
as she recalls our brief liaisons.
I can write a poem about that,
nothing with her not giving a damn about me
or a day after we parted
dismissing me from her thoughts forever.
No, I will rewrite the past and the future,
maybe get the exterminator to call
regarding the mouse problem.
Clutch my chest
to indicate a broken heart,
think of an ending that won’t leave folks
wondering just what kind of a looser I am.
I can do it tomorrow, I think, feeling good in my pajamas.
Isn’t this Monday? My husband asks.
Drat! I thought it was Sunday.
Have I already had two days off?
I look at the clock.
I teach school virtually in three minutes.
“Mrs. K are you wearing your pajamas again?”
I thought it was pajama day, I lie.
I do this every week.
The kids start giving me advice.
They all want to help me.
Why do you put everything off to the last second? My husband asks.
Why don’t you go catch the mouse in my new car? I suggest
We are both the world’s biggest procrastinators.
It is good we found each other
So we do not have to drive anyone else mad
with our “last second, last minute” last chance efforts.
Our children are going to hate us when we die.
Look at all the messes they get to clean, and there are mice here.
Every day we say we are going to call an exterminator.
Every day for the last thirteen years. Have we done it? Not yet.
But we are going to….Our mantra.
COCKROACH...!!!
Scream my desperate daughters ...
- Mom, kill the cockroach ...!
I ask because mom
and not the father ...!?
- What's the reason for not
dad ...!?
They answer in chorus:
- Dad crushes ... and we
cannot stand... !
- Mom, kill with class,
with insecticide ... let it
dizzy ...!
So, here at home,
is she the woman who
is the exterminator of the future!
of cockroaches ...!
Don't leave the box
to the Pop Tarts open,
my Aunt Jessie said:
We'll get a bunch of bugs
crawling all over the icing
then will have to call
the exterminator man;
the house will smell
of fumes for hours
Then, maybe, the ants
will just march
to the other pantry
and invade
the gravy
and Ovaltine
humans ... little fleas
no universal import
arrogance filled pests
Spiders
Big ones fat ones
Juicy ones angry ones
Mean ones
No worries.
Until you’ve been bitten
By a brown recluse
300,000 spiders can live on
Six acres of land.
Well isn’t this nice to know
Since I live on six acres of land
When you add my neighbor’s land
Because you must
Since spiders like to roam
I live with potentially two million
Spiders give or take ten or twelve
The pest control man
Is really a big help too.
“We cannot guarantee to
Eliminate any spiders.”
Then what good are you, really?
No good at all.
Bugs in my bed,
I sure hope they're dead.
I hope they're not nestled,
In the hair on my head.
What if they're all, over my pillowcase, then they'd be crawling all over my face.
Is this really happening, or am I just paranoid, cuz a bug infestation I must certainly avoid.
How will I know if they are really really small, maybe an exterminator is who I should call.
What if they eat me, real slow til I'm dead.
I guess a good way to start, is to get OUT of this bed.
Finally retiring down to sunny Tampa,
and moving into an old house,
noticed there was a bad termite problem
which I had to trouble shoot somehow,
my neighbor being into exotic pets,
suggested one that would help me the best,
paying him the exorbitant amount,
I took home my new exotic pet,
letting her wander around her new dwelling,
she quickly started sucking up the little pests,
and just like a vacuum cleaner,
even got all the pesky ants,
I thought this was a great investment,
not having to inhale any poisonous fumes,
as my new exotic pet,
followed me from room to room,
I decided to call her Annie,
because I'd become so fond of her,
she was just like an exterminator,
just a more furry one,
the only negative thing about her,
was her long Freddy Krueger like claws,
which I had to trim every other day,
because they'd start to curl,
and speaking of that,
she wasn't just a practical vacuum
with her long tubular snout,
when I'd take her for walks around the park,
she'd even defend me from an assailant,
beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Tis the season for frightful bugs,
found one in my bed,
even in my rug,
they seem to turn up everywhere,
even in the breath mint in my mouth,
even heard one in the rhythm
of my clock,
the other day went walking
only to discover one in my sock,
then I tried to kill it,
but they're hard as a rock,
one time one was on my plate,
and I almost ate it
thinking it was a grape,
Now listen up,
you little blood sucking pests,
I will hunt you down
till I get no rest!
Its bad enough that its allergy season,
we don't want any of your diseases!
Might use some bloodhounds
to help track them down,
if only we could annihilate them,
all throughout the town,
then they'd finally be extinct,
and people and dogs everywhere
would no longer be forlorn and frown,
but if I need professional help
guess I'll call an exterminator,
and if that doesn't work,
I'll get Arnold the terminator!
To Get Rid of Something
I was listening to the bug exterminator
Commercial. This Horn Haiku came to
mind.
Can exterminate;
Completely eradicate,
And eliminate.
When you want to get rid of something,
this is what you have to end up doing.
After all of this has happened, the problem
is no longer there.
Jim Horn
United, we stand stall
Divided, we fall
Yet, persistence makes one crawl
Until they become enthralled
By how much corporations maul
The collective corpse of us all
This madness must come to a halt
Feeling lucky, so i drop the salt
Sunrise & sunset
Small fries, yet, heavy-set
The food you wish to get
Will make you lose the bet
Between the strings & the frets
Vibrations fluctuate among the rest
One must eventually leave the nest
To defeat the pest
Solicitor exterminator
Mormon decimator
Immaculate inseminator
Accurate denominator
Of paradoxical discrepancies
That appear comical in the reveries
That always readily remedy
Those who must compose an elegy...
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