Best Udder Poems
I once awoke into a dream
And there I saw a sight.
Adrift, a draft of Daffodils
Breezed on a hard day's night.
Still looking up and at the sky,
A Dandelions nest,
Shone down like rays of Buttercups
Alighting up my vest.
“Hello,” I bellied up to it.
And smiling like a wave,
Hoped hoping as I climbed inside
That it was well behaved.
Abound with hobnail boot astride
It turned and travelled on-
Until it reached another place
Where I had not come from.
“It's like a well know strangers face,”
I mused in thoughtish utter.
The one my Fatter used to wear
Before he ground my Mutta.
Then leaping like a jumping bean,
I landed open eyed,
And spied a sandy cobbled shore
where nothing did reside.
“How long,” I said, “have you been here?”
And in a mock reply,
It answered with a knowing look,
Then flew off on a pie.
Alone, I sat beside myself,
For company of course,
And listened while I hummed a song
In tones that made me hoarse.
And then, I swear, as fast as fast,
Beneath a sea of hands,
An orchestra of weeping fish
Grab grabbed me from the sands.
They sat me on a flying Whale
That soared beneath the sea,
And took me home to where he lived
To make us both some tea.
“Oh, what a lovely Plaice you have,”
I told him over grubber,
And with that, getting on all fours
He let me pull his udder.
“Please don't do that!” A Fishcake cried,
“You don't know where he's from.”
But having learned this lessen once
I noticed I had gone.
Categories:
udder, humor, humorous, nonsense, daffodils,
Form:
Rhyme
An allergic reaction to foods isn’t nice
So warnings on food labels are good advice
But…..
We all know that milk comes from a cow’s udder
So do we need this printed on a pat of ‘Buddha’?
WARNING - MAY CONTAIN MILK
I think health and safety have finally gone mad
To have this printed on a butter pat really is sad!
So if it’s called butter made with milk from a cow
They can remove the warning notice from now
Contest Warning
Sponsored by Viv Wigley
This is a true story - my hubby still has the tiny label from the pat of butter he was given in hospital... maybe they were taking health and safety a little too far
10~15~16
Categories:
udder, food, humorous, irony,
Form:
Free verse
Her belly reminds me of Buddha
Huge boobies just like a cow’s udder
From her mouth hangs a cig
She does not give a fig -
I’m thankful that she’s not MY Mudda!
Title refers to the cigarette butt hanging from her mouth
10/26/18
Categories:
udder, humorous,
Form:
Limerick
Part 1
Onion
the delicacy of friendship
I found you in the flowers
Standing tall we become one
Looking down from gangly towers
Squash, you burn, you pillage, son.
Follow me you say in tongues
Thy shallow mind reveal me tell
Whisper lies clean load the guns
I feel the burn I rot in hell
Friend folly menacing the liar
I loathe this coffin how it leaks
Dear foe you raped me set on fire
The onion peal itself and weeps
Part 2
Traitor
dear monkey boy
Older eyes eat themselves,
glance and kill the other
Unified in the dance,
they steer the musty rudder.
Pained and sweeter deeper wells,
poised buckets drunk with water.
Singled out the one that dried,
handed weights to pull him under.
Wiser times capture the mind,
death justifies dishonor.
Knife slice neat through the devil's back,
who stares blank and milks the udder.
Part 3
Tempest
patron saint
Inside this box
Goodbye tempestuous fall
My puppet of steel coiled thread
Smashed buttons and twisted dread,
Alarm these doors, and
Escape this delusive bunker bed
Stamp the spiders
Thief, vulture of the deflection
The mocking patron of the sinners
Erase this affliction
Relating inward at the reflection
Rise you fool
Part 4
Phoenix
i love you
close the grip
cinched hematic grip
drenched, clawing
seeking the sheave
becoming the counterweight
i absorb, now
extracting the heat
rise like a phoenix
away to be gone to be free
fix me! i have fixed me
i am alive and i love you
Part 5
Aye, Damager
Abolish her state of disrepair
Scattered, spattered drippy thoughts
All around this box of soused leaves
Soak, ferment in the faith of our love
I can't fix this, you know
I loathe this misunderstanding
Of what I am speaking, projecting
To me, Aye Damager, to you
This devil in me
turned and twisted
A wrecked elevator in rejection
Years locked painfully aware
...
Categories:
udder, angst, depression, devotion, forgiveness,
Form:
Free verse
(Revised with new homophone added in. Thanks for the catch, Becca!)
*Wants upon **uh thyme inn uh would, uh vary gneiss prints named Hairy
met inn the missed, hi awn the bow of uh tree- uh ferry named Tarry.
The ferry felt lo, fore he was week, and he was inn knead of sum meet.
He bald, “Whoa is me. Eye cant even stand hear awn my own too feat!
My pour hart is braking, and I’m inn pane. The last thyme that eye eight
was daze ago. Ewe sea, I’m inn uh hays and due naught feel sow grate.
Eye parish and long fore whine and ham. Even bettor wood bee lam!
Butt eye wood settle four uh peace of bred with sum suite bury jam!”
Prints Hairy new he had sum mince, sum Tick Tax that **whir inn the pear
of gnu read genes he war. He took them out and waived them inn the heir.
*“Lickerish to, eye halve write hear!” Prints Hairy tolled the ferry.
“Its naught much, butt pleas dew eat. Later awn, wheel dyne and make marry.”
Prints Hairy placed the ferry Tarry aun his pail ***wight hoarse.
Then aweigh the roil with the ferry hastened aun his homeward coarse.
Awl day long they road and road. ***Wen the ferry started to grown.
Suddenly, from the hoarse, both the man and ferry whir throne.
Hungrily they paste beneath the setting son and threw the knight.
They pressed awn until mourning. Hairy’s residents came inn cite!
Prints Hairy’s wife had supper ready, and she’d maid uh pi.
From udder happiness, the ferry thought that he mite dye!
She *heeded up they’re food four them. They both had groan sew pail!
She listened as the ferry Tarry tolled his tragic tail . . .
of how heed lost his weigh and, four food, had knot won crumb
until her deer spouse rescued hymn. At last, his prints had come!
Written April 10, 2015, using homophones from various lists.
Note: I did not use letters, for example, U for “you” ; they were not on the lists I found.
Neither was “hee” which I was going to use for “he.”
The main list used was The HOMOPHONES LIST of John F Troutman and Joy A Miller
* these are a few more homophones I found on Wikipedia’s list.
** these homophones appear on Homophones.com, perhaps the most comprehensive one.
*** These homophones, perhaps antiquated, are from Suber & Thorpe British English
Categories:
udder, word play,
Form:
Couplet
I can’t smile without you
I miss the days long ago
We held hands
A soft kiss on the cheek was udder bliss
Nothing in life seemed amiss
Now you have long gone
Six feet under the ground
That day is embedded in stone
You and your suitcase, gonna leave me alone
I bound you tight
Pulling hair from my head
As I chained sawed you dead
Blood in my chalice, I drank
Lustfully I carved you into dinner
Lamb chops in sauce so sweet
Your family loved the meal
If they only knew
They might have stayed thinner
My roses sing every spring
Happily devouring your rotten bones
Leaving me was evil you see
Never the less, tiss I who smiles
I smile at the coffee shop
I smile more as the butcher mops
I am not dark, no not at all
My darkest, I smile for all to see
Cause you have all but gone!
Happy days are here again!!!!!
Categories:
udder, art, bereavement, dark, death,
Form:
Light Verse
I think my MOO MOJO has let me down
that HE bull, Morris, just grunts and frowns
he doesn't even glance around
when I pass by, I'm just another COW.
Those devilish twins, Dan and Dick
sneak out at night to play their tricks
while I try to sleep, they go COW DIP
and knock me down, they need a good WHIP.
And every morning, when Sally MILKS me
she pulls so hard, it nearly KILLS me
It's an UDDER shame, one day, you'll see
I'll KICK her good, when she ain't looking!
I'm in a baneful MOOD, I feel so alone
Just wandering along, I MOO and I MOAN
I chew my old CUD and aimlessly roam
Wish I weren't filled with these dang HORMONES!
Written on 2/19/2016
Categories:
udder, animal, funny,
Form:
Light Verse
I wish ta be happy happy
Not crappy crappy
It's becum easier since becumen a pappy
With a we baby on me lappy
Some tink me silly and a bit sappy
I don't even mind changin his nappy
It's funny da weird tings dat make me happy!
I like ta dress him up
Not wantin him ta be shabby
and reflect badly on his mammy
So on is head I place da cutest cappy
He loves ta laugh, in da breeze dis cappy is flappy
How could I be anythin udder den happy
Me an baby an his sweet little mammy!
For Casarah's get happy 101 contest.
Categories:
udder, funny love, , cute,
Form:
His hair is like a black dwarf with white freckles,
with eyes like sharp, jiggered icicles,
a nose like a white man in a lineup of Africans,
and a mouth like shredded onions should you choose to cross him.
His chest is like a cow’s udder ready to feed her young,
with a stomach like a hippo basking in the sun,
and stretch marks like cancer, savagely out of control,
and psoriasis like an angry storm of dusty dry snow.
His arms are like shoe strings dangling in the wind,
and hands like angels cover with sin,
his legs are like drum sticks, fresh but not young,
and his feet are like popsicles, but aren’t very yum.
His body is like a freak you would pay to see,
but he outweighs this freakiness with his personality.
30/7/2012
Categories:
udder, funny,
Form:
Sonnet
A British designer of clothing and such
Is showing an outfit a bit out of touch
It’s all made of leather but that’s not my beef
It’s straight from a cow but from far underneath
She wanted some leather but did not want to pay
She heard that the tanners threw nipples away
She gathered up nipples; 3000 in all
And stitched up a gown for the next Cow Town Ball
She fashioned the nipples into genteel rosettes
A floor-length leather gown for the disarming coquette
But the critics all panned it all over the joint
The designer just sighed; said they don’t get the point
The critics replied, that is all that we see
And a dress made of nipples is pointless to me
But the British designer said she’d try another
And this time use more than the tip of the udder
Mdailey 9/6/12
Google Rachel Freire to see her designs.
Categories:
udder, social,
Form:
Rhyme
Our cat in the hat will be ok, For our pretty chillin's we must pray, We want it round the udder whey, We want back our baby dolls...ok
Categories:
udder, adventure,
Form:
Ballad
There’s nothing funny about Halloween
Whims and excuses for festival fun
Statement by clothes
A story by costumes
On the adult world revenge by children
Most memorable Halloween costume worn
By the mother of the friend of my son
She was dressed as a cow
I want to let you know
My eyes dropped to her udder soon.
=============================
Fifth place winner in:
Contest: Halloween Limerick Contest by John Freeman
Categories:
udder, halloween,
Form:
Limerick
My missus has a liking for those cheese and onion crisps,
the taste and the aroma she finds tricky to resist.
Yet oddly the real thing she simply will not eat
but me I find the real McCoy is just so hard to beat.
My favourite is Danish Blue but boy, she gives me hell
not just the weird appearance she cannot abide the smell.
You'd think that I could get away with something like a Gouda
but no, I find if anything her nagging just gets louder.
For Gorgonzola I am itching, but she just keeps right on bitchin'
and I get relegated along with the cats from out the kitchen.
Both our cats fancy some Edam, but she simply will not feed 'em
since the thought of touching it can make her shudder,
her distaste remains stolid over anything that's solid
if it started off in life inside an udder.
Things did come to a head half an hour before bed
my breath smelt of cheese, she was not impressed,
took a good swipe at my head, spilled my wine on me instead
you could say that I was now Chablis dressed.
I cannot understand, with my cheddar in my hand,
why she won't try it for once but anyhow,
I can still console myself as I put it on the shelf that she has one thing in common-
she's a cow.
For contest- Here's my whine now pass the cheese, sponsor Phillip Garcia
A slightly bruised Viv Wigley, with a plate of Camembert, August 2nd 2016
Categories:
udder, food, humor,
Form:
Rhyme
Brutally beautiful is this lady before me
Red fox of desires hallows her body
Udder of males she fills with biting milk
Twinkling eyes prick trembling hearts
All who see her are traumatized by her curves
Little oval lips spear cheeks of daring men
Legs on the move paralyzes all imaginations
Yabbering, her shadow bursts in silent sermons
Behind, her mountains speak obscene words
Eye-lashes flog men’s eyes into shyness
Above her, hang swords of romantic doom
“Ugly” flies into hiding once she’s around
Tight attire assaults holiness in any male
Invitation to her side triggers tears of joy
Fire in hell tolerable; her beauty intolerable
Unimaginable are her shy and piercing looks
Lying profile chops any man’s self-control
Categories:
udder, beauty, hyperbole, woman,
Form:
Acrostic
It was the flight of the famous fable maker
That changed my story’s life
That dropped me out into the world
And showed me what its like
But there’s so much to see inside this wilted quilt time
Like an hidden Mayan Ruin, like a ruin in my mind
That stands for udder loneliness
That stands for being blind
And I can see that something’s
Not quite right
And I can see that something’s
Took my eyes
And locked them up inside their darkened cage
Left to wonder, loose themselves inside their dusty maze
But there’s so much to seem inside this wilted quilt of time
Like a hidden Mayan Ruin, that I ruined in my mind
And it stands for a brother’s loneliness
It stands still in time
And I can see that something’s
Gone so wrong
And I can be that someone’s
Lovely song
But it was the flight of the famous fable maker
That lay my feet in stride
That introduced me to that girl
And made sure that we'd collide
So we'd see each other's beauties there
Inside this wilted quilt of time
Where we sat and spoke of selfless dreams
Where we sat and spoke our crimes
And wept against each other's soaking shoulders
As we wept and drank our wine
But I can see that she has
Lost her way
And I could see that there's
Nothing left to say
But in the morning we woke inside a daisy field
Out in the a place I've never been
That had a giant, dome-ish, hazy shield
That seemed to protect everything
And kept this place in perfect view
Kept it hanging on a string
And With my love in my heart
And my heart in my hand
It's a brand new start
In a brand new land
But I can see that something's
Different here
Intentionally beauty,
That’s been untouched for years.
Categories:
udder, art, imagination, love, music,
Form: