Best Springer Poems
after The Raven by Edgar Allen Poe
(Is this microphone turned on? Testing one two, Poe was a dip, Poe was a dip, testing.)
Once upon a daydream, faintly
whilst I watched the boob tube, quaintly
Jerry Springer 'bout half over when I nodded off to sleep.
Show was boring, soon was snoring
when suddenly I heard my bell ring.
Outside it was really pouring,
pouring there outside my door,
perhaps a preacher to ignore,
I'd be a beanbag chair and nothing more.
(By the way, this is the reader's digest version folks)
Beanbag pretense wasn't working,
freak outside just kept on twerking
(Wait! I forgot what that means)
then through my window climbs this guy who looks a bit unstable.
He stops and stares as though a zombie,
asked him could he be from Bombay,
I think his jeans were Abercrombie.
I showed him kindly to the door,
pointed clearly to the exit,
pushed him onward 'cross the floor,
he stood there shaking, nothing more.
"Now look" I cawed with all my muster,
"Get this through your thick head buster,
Spongebob's coming on soon and I've still to take my nap."
He looked at me with subtle smile,
those crazy eyes had me beguiled,
[karma's spanked me with this trial]
on my knees (Ack! I don't have knees)
on my knees I now implored
would he please just take a hike.
I then got up from off the floor,
he stared and said...
"uh, I gotta tinkle."
EPILOG
That's right folks. You now have the edited, abridged version of what really happened back in 1845. Now I know what you're thinking - 'Gotta tinkle'? But it doesn't rhyme! Well, I can't help it folks that's what he said. And it may explain why he decided to turn things around to make me look like the nitwit in his classic poem, The Raven.
This is Barrymore T Raven III, signing off
*did they have TV in 1845? Hmmm...
Categories:
springer, humor,
Form:
Rhyme
( … if you catch me doing one of these.)
Naming any baby Finton,
voting for Hillary Clinton,
complimenting Nascar,
moving to Nebraska,
using "literally" to mean "very",
calling Derry Londonderry,
uttering the word "redact",
claiming Johnny Depp can act,
saying society's to blame,
mentioning fifteen minutes of fame,
feeling sorry for Amanda Knox,
watching anything on Fox,
or even one second of Jerry Springer,
making speech marks with my fingers,
drinking alcohol alone,
admiring Sharon Stone,
labelling anyone a pagan,
sighing "bring back Ronald Reagan",
playing Rod Stewart's "We Are Sailing",
paying money to see Van Halen ...
(and if ever, instead of clever,
I say smart,
I promise to wear -
right there -
a target across my heart.)
Categories:
springer, humorous,
Form:
Couplet
In twenty three, we waved goodbye to much celebrity
But in the clouds the welcome party takes them three by three
Tina Turner, Jerry Springer, Mister Donald Trump
(Of which, one is poetic license; please don’t get the hump)
Before the Lord, upon their knees, they had to state their case
And detail what they did to benefit the human race
The Lord had seats, one on each side, to help him rule the sky
And now he sought two occupants to give consul on high
The Lord looked at the first arrival, she looked rather proud
And rumour had it that she’d always been a little loud
The Lord said, Woman, tell me why these seats on either side
Here on my left or on my right should be where you reside
Tina Turner said, Dear Lord, I used to dance and sing
Your angels will all know the joy and love that that can bring
I had some upset in my life but fought with all my might
So I’d be honoured to sit with you as a guiding light
The Lord said I admire those with strength to fight the fight
And so you may sit in the seat positioned on my right
The Lord turned his attention to arrival number two
Okay, Mr Talk-a-lot, so, why should I pick you?
Jerry Springer said, My Lord, I find this slightly odd
I doubted in my wildest dreams I’d face questions from God
Yet, here I am enduring this admission interview
But from that seat upon your left, I could interview you
The Lord said, Hmmm, I guess you would be upset and bereft
If I didn’t offer you this seat upon my left
But there is still one candidate for consul in the sky
So let me hear the testimony of this other guy…
Trump said, ‘Look, it’s great, so great, it’s really really great,
I kinda thought I wouldn’t be here till a later date
But since that pawn star mowed me down as I walked in the street
At least I get the chance to tell you…
That you’re in my seat!
[Regret.., had to miss-spell p.o.r.n. because Soup is becoming an affront to the English language. ]
Categories:
springer, humorous,
Form:
Rhyme
About this show,
My girls are amused,
Interrupting my sports,
Intruding my news,
To the television,
Their eyes are glued,
Ignoring mom cries,
Snacks or food,
So a series,
I just viewed,
And I thought it was,
Oh so rude,
On a talk show,
Girls fighting half nude,
I found it unpalatable,
I found it lewd..
Categories:
springer, confusion, sorry,
Form:
Rhyme
With the grandeur of prairies and canyon
With Georgian welcomes from Springer Mountain
With cooler welcomes of Katahdin
America rises with five million feet
To exult among more mosses, mammals, trees
Than have survived in spaces smaller than countries
A president named Teddy signed off on it
America rises with these five million feet
With delirious descent of peregrines
With the swooping swish of eagles with fish
With raising and saving whooping cranes
America still rises across millions of feet
Grace as in the disappearing Chestnut
Timelessness and wonder in the redwood
Gifts of Euphorbia, Aster, Camelia
America rises in chlorophyll and feet
With red and green blood that will unify
With Hibiscus threatened by goats in Hawaii
America rises and falls from view
America for all, always preserved by the few
(c) First published with gratitude in 2005; God Bless America - and the rest of humanity. Shalom, shalom!
Categories:
springer, appreciation, environment, history, immigration,
Form:
Rhyme
The itch of you, deeply,
beneath, surface, rises quickly,
to scratch, The anxiety of it all,
trembles my bones, Like an
acid Tripp, gone wild, not Jerry
Springer, It's craziness is much
more, as it breaks ICE, wanting
every inch of your body,{Dark
Chocolate}, like A Mid~Night
snack, going once, Going twice,
I can't resist going in, So eager
to, HOT IT, ATTACK IT, Not
STOPING, Loving My LOVER,
FIT TO A GLOVE, Flying WHITE
DOVES, As it Thickened to
open, 360' Rotationally
Collapsing, Hard as BRICKS,
Where We smoothly, KNOCK,
KNOCK, KNOCK, the
headboard, LOUDLY, waking
the BLOCK, with deeper
MOANS, For this Nuclear
Explosion LOVE FEAST, will
Certanially be CONSUMED,
with Down Pour,
because you are that Sweet,
Sweet-er, and Sweetest
Sensation, I will ever get times
THREE,,,, Sharing The same
OXYGEN, as we Touch noses,
connecting LIPS, Closely
together..... Piercing nipples
tightly against the chest....Breathing
Heavily with exhaustion. For
This is A passion, with no lust, for
it is an ultimate stare down to A true
beginning....
Entered in Good Enough contest,
Sponsored by: Sandy Ivy Davis
Carma Reed
10-23-12
Categories:
springer, adventure, love, passion,
Form:
Rhyme
(Warning) You need to watch english daytime t.v to really get the drift.............
Another day breaks, I open my eyes
It’s still rather early but I feel I must rise
Into the bathroom a little unsteady
I’m sure I’ll come round as I’m getting ready.
Out the window I sit and stare
A cup of tea and in my chair.
The day won’t seem quite so long
If I sit and watch the birds in song.
The TV’s on - nothing new
I’ll think I make another brew
Another poor soul through the ringer
That’s what you get with Gerry Springer!
I turn it over with a smile
Just in time for Jeremy Kyle!
The days long gone when I went “gyming”
Now I sit and watch Loose Women!
This afternoon its Noel’s best deals
But now its time for meals on wheels!
Frozen peas and a slice of ham
I suppose it’s better than war-time spam!
What’s for pudding? Spotted Dick?
I like my custard nice and thick
A little nap is what I need
To bring me right back up to speed.
It’s Bargain Hunt’s auction sale
Can’t wait for seven and Emmerdale!
Some mail to write with ink and pen
Then off to bed with News at Ten!
Categories:
springer, funnyday, time,
Form:
Rhyme
With apologies to Sir W.S. Gilbert
As some day it may happen that a victim must be found,
I've got a little list--I've got a little list.
Of society offenders who might well be underground,
And who never would be missed--who
never would be missed!
There's the pestilential pundits who write without a clue—
All men with bloated bellies who hang out guzzling brew—
All children who play computer games and beat you just like that—
All people who like a glutton eat but keep their tummies flat—
The terrifying boss you've only just met, who on first names insists—
They'd none of 'em be missed--they'd none of 'em be missed!
CHORUS. He's got 'em on the list--he's got 'em on the list;
And they'll none of 'em be missed--
they'll none of 'em be missed.
There's the Metallica lead guitarist and the others of his race,
And Material Girl, Madonna—I 've got them on the list!
And the fearful ladies who serve spaghetti on their finest lace,
They never would be missed--they never would be missed!
Then the millionaire ball players who smirk and snort cocaine,
And unfailingly prove that even with money you cannot buy a brain;
Then there's the homophobes in the closet who curse but mostly lie,
They'd rather stay where the sun don't shine than admit they like a guy;
And that shallowest of arrogant, back-stabbing pr--ks, the corporate ladder climberist
I don't think he'd be missed--I'm sure he'd not he missed!
CHORUS. He's got them on the list--he's got them on the list;
And I don't think they'll be missed--I'm sure they'll not be missed!
And the self-righteous jurists, who free the high and mightier,
Overbearing, moralistic judges—I've got them on the list!
All afternoon talk show hosts—nah, not Oprah —but especially Springer;
They'd none of 'em be missed—they'd none of 'em be missed.
And the slick politician who about corporate influences never lies,
"What, never?" Well, hardly ever when even their 'fluence Enron buys
But it really doesn't matter whom you put upon the list,
For they'd none of 'em be missed--they'd none of 'em be missed!
CHORUS. You may put 'em on the list--you may put 'em on the list;
And they'll none of 'em be missed--they'll none of 'em be missed!
Categories:
springer, hilarious, satire,
Form:
Rhyme
I am eternal, immortal like the above Divine
I shall never run out of flavor like wine
I am the sun that stays in space forever burning
I am the Earth that stays in space forever turning
I'm a volcano that has eruption after eruption
I'm like the gov't that swallows our country with corruption
I forever stand tall like Mt. Everest the mountain
I will always run like the water from Niagra Falls, a giant fountain
My heart forever rings for you like the Liberty Bell
My love for you is a fire you can't put out like the kind in Hell
We are meant to be together like Adam and Eve
We run the show together like Springer and Steve
I will never leave you for anything, so don't feel fear
I know your love is real, I know it when you shed a tear
The liars and backstabbers around us: Devils and Demons
They are something to be ejected from me like semen
Pretty soon our love will be popular like the World Wide Web
You will soon feel what I feel when I put you to bed
I am an ocean liner that sails the Pacific & Atlantic I think
Built like the Titantic, but can never sink
When will you get it in your head not to be scared
The point of this poem is to assure you I'm not going anywhere........
Categories:
springer, devotion, girlfriend-boyfriend, lovelove, space,
Form:
Rhyme
Tis an ode to the glory
of this unemployment story
Got no food to eat
Can't even wash my feet
A quick way to get cash- go on Maury!*
8th place in the "Economical Woe Limericks" contest by
Carolyn Devonshire
*The Maury Povich Show- similar to
Jerry Springer.
A. Green
Categories:
springer, funny
Form:
Limerick
i ride to work four days a week
one hour each way.
i don’t like it
but i take the ride.
jerry springer is on the t.v. nightly
i don’t like it
but i watch.
somewhere in between…
of aryan dreams
black power screams
brown men plying in trade
mobile laboratories
moon over the mesas
the valley stretched out below
mountainside condos
trailer park bimbos
babies still die in the ghetto.
Categories:
springer, culture,
Form:
Free verse
Not the brightest bulb in the pack I'll have you know
A real beauty but her brain was slow
Her thinking was jumbled don't you see
Thought Meow Mix was a cat cd
Was honored to be on the Jerry Springer Show !
** for the Giggles contest
Categories:
springer, funny
Form:
Limerick
the following quite quirky epistle may not exhibit the ordinary characteristics of poetry, but i decided to share this self made challenge (where every word begins with the letter "S" - no explanation can be offered why such self cerebral torture imposed, nor what motivated me to focus on the nineteenth letter of the english alphabet at the exclusion of other noble vowels and consonants.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Sunday September seventh started seemingly same since...silver screen show secured seventy seven SeventhSeals.
Soupy Sales supreme salient strengths (starring smart pet sidekick Springer Spaniel Socrates) salvaged sagging sporting sorties. Slap stick stereotypical swashbuckling shticks supplied shipshape shenanigans.
Spartan stage set spurred spontaneous simply stupefying solution. Suede shod schlemiel. Sartre seasoned scenes. Sharp sticks supported sphere. Seats situated semicircular semblance.
SPCA, Siemens, Sears sponsored soiree. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious shouted satirically 'specially Saturdays seemingly sellout. Spontaneous spritely Shogun Samurai sangroid stance satiated slipups stripping stellar seasoned Skidamarinks substitutes sacredly, seminally, silently, slipstreaming soulfully saving saga.
Sometimes silly spouse studiously sought spurious strategy stringing superlatives showcasing senseless sophomoric soporific skills specifically spelling storybook sassy sharpshooters supposedly sleuthing shapeless seated sideways (sic seasonal slate smug spotified snapchatting skippers selfishly scooped sloop-ful seasonal six-packs) sinister Swiss scalpers sat sometimes squatted.
Categories:
springer, adventure, creation, funny, humor,
Form:
Free verse
abecedarian
An arch's lowest stone from which it springs is a springer
Bounce in one’s step common to infatuation
Cricket term – one of a set of rubber strips on a bat handle
Door lock that will only open with a key
Elasticity, needed in many toys and tools
Fountainhead or source of inspiration
Growth and renewal time for plants
Hunting term - to rouse from cover
Instance of water leaking, as from pipes
Jump up and down as on a trampoline
Keys that are used to tighten clockworks
Loose from its anchor, usually by accident
Mechanical term - stored, potential energy
Nautical term - a mooring line amid two ships
Origin of water bubbling from the ground
Payment treating someone to a meal
Quickness to one's steps when late for a meeting
Release from imprisonment or confinement
Season between winter and summer
Tension released causing objects to move
Unexpected occurrence sometimes upwards
Vernal, relating to the spring equinox
Warped or bent out of shape as a ship’s wooden mast
Xanthous, the color of spring flowers, crocus, daffodils, forsythia
Yo-yo up and down or sideways from a coiled string
Zoology - a group of teal ducks
a compendium of words relating to various connections for the word, spring written February 18, 2015. My favorite: the last.
Categories:
springer, adventure, daffodils, spring,
Form:
Abecedarian
12/20/21
Ten hut!
Can't let up
Even though, it can get messed up
Really F'd up
Do not get fed up
Keep your head up
Stay sharp, don't get set up
Careful where a disagreement ends up
Heads up!
Many fast to wet up
From the legs up
To the neck up
Bleeding out a color similar to Ketchup
The proof was there or quickly got swept up
Prices continually went up
Falling behind, because you never kept up
Get your bread up
Often in life you'll have to step up
Sped up
Engines revved up
Couldn't let it go, so they dredge up
Old news they spoke and penned up
But I did my homework and read up
So you're about to get shred up
You'll never surface, even after a check up
Kept mine, others went against their own word
Too late to sojourn
At the point of no return
Due to a slow burn
Often went through the wringer
You'd think I've been on Jerry Springer
She wants the whole world and a gem on her finger
Meanwhile around the corner death always lingers
Hit them with another zinger
Hook, line and sinker
As I continue to tinker
Ya'll can be some stinkers
I always put on a blinker
Soon to give up being a daily drinker
Becoming a complex thinker
Avoiding any gold diggers
Feeling vigor
It's time I'm onto something bigger
Don't need to reconsider
Even though many are quick to pull the trigger
People continuing to bicker
Remaining bitter
Known as a fibber
Caught up on twitter
It's been pleasant or gotten sicker
Going well or down the s***ter
Staying clean or full of litter
A whole nation hooked
Easily getting cooked
And forsook
They never caught on or looked
Strength, dedication and heart is what it took
Couldn't find it all from a book
Had to put each foot
Through miles of soot
By the end they were shook
Or tried to portray me as a crook
Not a big fan of dungarees
Getting tired of all this gluttony
Too much redundancy
And puppetry
Still living sucker-free
Yet another attempted to humble me
So I got the upper hand suddenly
Their soul the devil took custody
I continued on triumphantly
Cautious of who's around as company
She's just a tease
And he's such a sleaze
Try to touch my cheese
Then the trigger of a gun I squeeze
Doesn't matter if you run or freeze
Categories:
springer, dark, deep, life, poetry,
Form:
Rhyme